Helen Rowland

“ There is the kiss that sootheth and the kiss that thrilleth, the kiss that flattereth and the kiss that is a pastime. But the best of all kisses is the first kiss; for it is the most difficult.
Yet, in all the days of thy life, no two men shall kiss thee alike. For one man shall regard thy kisses as a boon, and another shall regard them as an amusement; but an husband shall consider them, as the shaving of his chin, a morning duty. ”

“ CHAPTER THREE I charge thee, my Daughter, seek not to break a man’s heart; for it is like unto family pride, or a pin, which may be bent, but cannot be broken! Yea, it is as a ball of India rubber which reboundeth easily after the worst shocks.
Lo, the heart of a woman is full of soft spots in which every man she hath once loved occupieth a “cozy corner”. She lingereth tenderly over the grave of a dead love; but a man flingeth a spadeful of earth thereon and proceedeth to dig a new one. ”

“ CHAPTER ONE My Daughter, Hearken Unto My Words, And attend diligently to my counsel; for the understanding of Man is the beginning of a good income, and a knowledge of his ways more profitable than a higher education.
Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of love slowly and through devious by-ways of flirtation and sentiment, but a man rusheth over it at the speed limit. ”

“ Thou hast eaten the bread of life without honey thereon, and thou shalt hereafter be satisfied with the crumbs.”
Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat. ”

“ For a sense of humor shall cover me as a mackintosh, off which the lemons, that fate casteth at me, shall roll as water. Verily, verily, a woman without a sense of humor is as one that goeth into New Jersey clad in lace hose. ”

“ Lo, kissing is a fine art, and there are many artists; and one shall take a kiss from thee as though he doeth thee a favor, and another shall take a kiss as though he had taken thy pocketbook.
Yet, no man shall ever understand why thou seemest pleased, or why thou waxest wroth, when he kisseth thee; for it is all in the way of his wooing.
Verily, verily, a man who kisseth a woman with his hat on shall be annihilated. ”

“ A woman keepeth a bundle of love-letters tied in faded ribbons; but a man cleaneth his pipe bowl cheerfully with the stem of the rose which the girl-before-the-last hath worn in her hair.
A woman remembereth the dress she hath worn and the song she hath sung for each particular man; but a man remembereth not the scent of violet sachet when the odor of heliotrope is in his nostrils. ”

“ Know ye not, oh foolish ones, that a man dreadeth a female cynic as a small boy dreadeth an education? Yea, and a satirical damsel is unto him as a caterpillar upon the neck, which maketh him to shudder. But a capricious woman is as gravel in the shoes. ”

“ For when a woman writeth she spelleth her soul out on paper; but a man putteth all his tender meanings between the lines. Yea, a woman’s letter is a confession, but a man’s letter is a veiled allusion which concealeth his thoughts. ”

“ For, when he hath loved me with all his heart, and with all his mind, and with all his impudence, for an whole week-end, he shall depart; and the scorners shall delight in their ha-has and the whisperers say, “She was but a temporary distraction!”
From the summer widower, that seeketh to return unto flirtation by a by-path, oh, hide me! For lo, I am not a consolation prize. Neither am I a grafter, coveting other women’s troubles. ”

“ Yea, a woman loveth but one type—even one man—but a man loveth anything which happeneth to be at hand.
Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek peroxide blondes; and he that marryeth a pink and yellow doll shall acquire a sudden interest in intellect and brunettes. For variety is the spice of love.
Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man is a gourmand.
In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course at a time; but a man relisheth them all served at once, like unto a dinner at a country inn. ”

“ CHAPTER ONE Lo! wondrous are the workings of a man’s heart, my Daughter.
His love is a thing which riseth and falleth as the stock market; yea, like a football that goeth up, it descendeth swiftly.
Behold, when a man first meeteth a damsel, she pleaseth his eyes. Moreover, she is different from the girl before and affordeth a pleasant change. He adoreth her from afar and indulgeth in foolish pipe-dreams. ”

“ But I say unto thee, a woman’s faith is like unto a cobweb which cannot be patched up, once it hath been shattered; and a woman’s heart is not as a rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been cast down. ”

“ CHAPTER ONE Go to, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man who hath lived long in a bachelor flat? Then beware of him! For his ways are full of guile and he hath not a thrill left.
Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. For, lo, though a man hath dwelt in the back hall-room of a boarding-house for many years and hath suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh a flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and yearneth to make him “comfortable”. ”

“ Unto a woman, the first kiss is but the start in the love chase, but unto a man it is ofttimes the finish.
Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that she may get him; but when a man weddeth a woman, it is in order that he may prevent another from getting her.
Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single blessedness, it is because she hath met no man with whom she could endure to live; but, when a man remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no woman without whom he cannot live. ”

“ Though chorus girls marry above me; though I never build mine own bungalow; though my frocks be made over, and my complexion made up, I shall not repine.
119 For, behold, I shall not take myself seriously, neither be filled with false illusions concerning men.
Lo, a woman that regardeth herself seriously is a human joke; and a woman that dallyeth with illusions is as a babe that played with matches. She burneth her own fingers. ”

“ CHAPTER TWO Verily, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath said in her heart, “All men should marry! For there is a reason for everything under the sun, save a bachelor.”
But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning them, young and old; and I say unto thee, the “reasons” why a man taketh a stimulant are not more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why he doth not marry. ”

“ He is not afraid of the cook.
His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette burneth not holes in the draperies.
For he doeth his smoking on the piazza.
He weareth everlasting socks and seweth on his own buttons.
His overcoat doeth him two seasons.
Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he donneth a dress suit without grumbling.
The grouch knoweth him not and his breakfast always pleaseth him. His mouth is filled with praises for his wife’s cooking. He doth not expect chicken salad from left-over veal, neither the making of lobster patties from an ham-bone. ”

“ Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the woman that maketh him most comfortable and stroketh him the right way, but revile and despise her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him from his slumbers?
97 Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth cold water upon his coat, and a man from her that flingeth cold water upon his vanity? ”

“ Hast thou scorned a man’s kisses?
Then will he exalt thee, saying “Lo! she is very proper.” For he can think of no other reason why thou shouldst not desire to kiss him.
Yet if thou hast consented to kiss only one man, he will say unto himself, “Verily, it is her habit. So doeth she with all mankind.” For every man judgeth thee by the way in which thou treatest him.
40 If a man kisseth thy hand gracefully, beware of him; for this is the habit of an accomplished flirt, which hath been acquired by much practice. ”

“ Lo, an intelligent opinion in the mouth of a woman horrifieth a man even as the scissors in the mouth of a babe.
23 And a wife with judgment which exceedeth his own is more uncanny than a pet parrot which saith the appropriate thing at the right moment. She appalleth him!
My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one clever woman who hath been happily married?
Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one mind, one opinion, and one throne in an household; and every man claimeth these for himself. ”

“ For no woman with brains hath ever plucked a peach in the Garden of Matrimony.
Nay, it is not given unto one woman to possess both real ability and a real husband.
For unto a successful woman an husband is but an adjunct; and no man yearneth to be an annex! ”

“ When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall not lead thee into dim and draughty corners, but shall run nimbly and place thee in a choice spot within hearing of the music.
For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh pitiful; but an husband looketh like a real tip.
When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the clerk shall not offer thee a room upon the air-shaft; and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring with flying16 feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as much credit. ”

“ Though my waist-line increaseth, year by year, and my teeth depart one by one, I shall not be cast down. For, a cheerful disposition shall sustain me, and the smile that cometh not off shall keep me charming. ”

“ CHAPTER TWO Marvellous, oh, my Daughter, is the way of a man with women; for every man hath a method and each his favorite stunt. And the stunt that he hath found to work successfully with one damsel shall be practised upon each in turn, even unto the finest details thereof. ”

“ Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of a man are the ways of Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and likewise a man, prize his dignity above all things else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the subways under the earth? ”

“ One man looketh as uncanny as another without a collar, and as weird as another without a shave.
One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, and leaveth his stubs in the pin-tray, even as another.
One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morning, and in the newspapers in the evening, and refuseth to be torn therefrom—even as another.
One man offereth up the morning and evening growl, and celebrateth the Sunday forenoon grouch as regularly as another. ”

“ The gloss hath been rubbed off his illusions and the color hath gone out of his emotions. Yet, a clever damsel shall, peradventure, take one of these and remodel him to seem as new.
For the happiest wife is not she that getteth the best husband, but she that maketh the best of that which she getteth. Verily, verily, an husband is a work of art which must be executed by hand ”

“ He marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his “higher nature”, and spendeth all the rest of his days seeking after those who appeal to his lower nature.
A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth not love her; but a man never troubleth his soul, as to whether or not a woman loveth him, but as to whether or not he wanteth her to love him. ”

“ And lo, he yearneth straightway therefor.
Verily, verily, a maiden goeth forth with the sound of bugles and an airgun, but a matron setteth her trap in unseen places and lieth low.
58 A maiden challengeth a man with coquettishness, but a matron putteth him to sleep! For no man goeth into matrimony with his eyes open! Verily, verily, he falleth in love as he falleth out of bed, and awakeneth with a great shock, knowing not how it hath happened. ”

“ For, before marriage, all men are promising; but matrimony is a chemical which transmuteth27 each and every one of them from a lover into a critic, from an admirer into a scoffer, from an adorer into a judge, and from a slave into a sultan. ”

“ For lo! though a man hath eaten his fill at one meal, why shall he lack appetite for the next?
Then, I charge thee, my Daughter, when love beginneth, question not any man how it will end; for it is only in the beginning of things that a man is interested; even in the cream from off the jug, the33 bubble of the champagne, the meat on the peach, and—the first kiss of a woman. ”

“ Even while she poureth his wine, doth she determine that he shall become a teetotaler! Even while he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he plan to put her on a diet, ’ere she acquire embonpoint.
As enemies before the battle, do they exchange civilities, saying “How congenial we are!”
For every woman thinketh to make a man over after a pattern, and every man thinketh to remodel a woman according to a stock ideal. ”

“ But, when a man receiveth a woman’s letter, he droppeth it in his pocket. Nay, not in the pocket above his heart, but in that pocket which containeth the fewest bills and receipts and lead pencils and other valuable things. ”

“ Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst not perceive from his words, neither from the cloves upon his breath, nor the ardor of his greeting, whether it be thy first or thy second husband, that kisseth thee.
For one man’s chin is as rough as another’s, and one man’s lies are as smooth as another’s.
One man’s razor is as sacred as another’s, and one man’s excuses are as old as another’s.
26 One man roareth, like unto another, when he is hungry.
One man growleth, like unto another, when he is fed.
One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath over-eaten. ”

“ That I may laugh when men laugh, and the point of their jokes shall not escape me.
That I may not tremble at their wrath; neither wither under their sarcasm, nor repine at their grouches.
And that, all the days of my youth, I shall dwell in the enjoyment of life, repartee, and the pursuit of an husband! Amen.
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CHAPTER FIVE Incline thine ear, O, my Daughter! For this is the Song of the Bride, which containeth all the law and the “profits” of Matrimony.
I thank thee, O, my Beloved; for thou hast chosen me out of the multitude of women that were after thee. ”

“ And a widow with many shekels hath a more solid attraction than a damsel with naught but beauties of the soul.
Go to! The kiss of a damsel of sixteen is more insipid than pink ice-cream, but the kiss of a woman of forty hath the flavor of experience and vera violetta.
Lo, a damsel worshippeth a man as a demi-god and discourseth unto him of her “ideals”; but a matron mothereth him and cooeth unto him in baby talk. A damsel discusseth the weather with a youth and singeth “The Rosary” unto him; but a woman of57 forty discusseth his talents and singeth him lullabies. ”

“ I say unto thee a woman is not as a tabby, but as a Faithful Fido which cannot be shaken off.
98 She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accepting gladly a pat upon the head and a kind word, and lying down at his feet to be stepped on. ”