Ian Hay

“ But Pontifex's severe features had relaxed considerably ere he finished.
“Mr. Wade,” he said–“if that be your name—I am inclined to accept your narrative as substantially correct, and I applaud your design to prevent this marriage, though your methods of execution are open to criticism. But you will forgive me if I verify your statements by a direct reference to Mr. Windrum? I shall send a telegram—”
“I can save you the trouble,” replied Archibald.
“You seem to think of everything,” remarked Mr. Pontifex, with an indulgent smile. “Have you telegraphed yourself?” ”

“ James glanced through the message. It said:
Tell village policeman that man who ran over chickens is here, and be quick about it, my lad!
“Is that legible?” he asked.
James emitted a muffled sound, and departed.
“A strange, reticent fellow,” observed Archibald to his guests. “His tonsils are most unreliable, but he has a heart of gold. Shall we go into the garden? The birds are singing again. Indeed, yes!” He cooed, and rose to his feet. “The answer to the telegram,” he continued, “should be here within the hour, leaving ample time for the ceremony. ”

“ But, as already indicated, you cannot take an elopement andante. Dorothy was wobbling badly. The sunny peaceful garden did not soothe her at all. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. Above all, she wanted some one to confide in.
Furtively, almost fearfully, she peeped through the raspberry canes to observe the movements of her beloved. ”

“ Whether we are stealing jam or engaging in an elopement, the policeman is ever at the back of our thoughts. Dorothy trembled guiltily.
The policeman addressed her. He was a stout, jolly-looking man, and in his leisure moments was much in request at home as a minder of the baby. He was painfully conscious of this infirmity, and in the execution of his duty endeavoured to nullify it as far as possible. He spoke in a deep monotone, and his language was formal and official.
“Good afternoon miss I am informed that the gentleman what passed through Popleigh village about twelve-thirty p.m. ”

“ Pontifex,” Archie replied. “I have already done so.” He extended a hand and drew the bemused Pontifex to the window. “In fact, I see he has arrived.”
V Dorothy Venner was still enough of a child to appreciate being left alone with the raspberries. But this afternoon her appetite was gone—which was not altogether surprising. Eloping is like riding a bicycle: you must go full speed ahead all the time, or you will begin to wobble. Dorothy was of a romantic disposition and barely twenty. She had been attracted by Mr. Gillibrand's dark eyes and lofty attitude towards his fellow-creatures ”

“ Meanwhile, he calculated, the village policeman would incorporate an artistic element of complication into the afternoon's entertainment.
IV Suddenly, as the trio strolled in constrained silence down an aisle of high hollyhocks, there came to their ears a crunching sound upon the gravel of the drive, and a small governess cart, drawn by a fat grey pony, entered the Vicarage gateway and proceeded in the direction of the stable. The driver of the cart had his back turned, but Archibald could see that he wore a soft black clerical hat. The Old Flick had arrived, and the cast was completed. ”

“ Run!” He seized his lady-love by the arm and fairly whirled into the stable yard.
VI Septimus Pontifex, dazed and bewildered, crossed the lawn and approached the raspberry canes, accompanied by Archibald. Ten yards behind followed an elderly female, carrying three dead chickens. She had been brought to the Vicarage as principal witness for the prosecution, and, growing tired of waiting in the road outside, had decided to take a more intimate part in the proceedings.
The policeman had extracted Lionel Gillibrand from the rhododendron bush ”

“ I have n’t the faintest notion yet, but I have no doubt that something will occur to me at the proper time. I believe that Napoleon also relied a good deal upon the inspiration of the moment. For the present I shall temporize, and exercise extreme tact. It won’t do to put that little person's back up. ”

“ Archie, who possessed the saving grace–rare in irresponsible humourists—of knowing when a joke has gone far enough, complied. His explanation was characteristically involved, and abounded in irrelevance. ”

“ Probably it is what The Flick wears on Sunday.”
“Do you mean that there are no more clothes in the house?”
“There is nothing in the dressing-room. But root about a bit, and you may find something. In the last extremity you can lunch in that bath-towel. Meanwhile, I will lay the table.”
Archibald bounded exuberantly downstairs, his coat-tails flying. The disconsolate James tried yet another door. This time he found himself in what was plainly the spare room. The blinds were drawn ”

“ This done, the policeman again extracted the notebook from his bosom, and resumed:
“Attemptin' to escape from custody amounts to resistin' of the police in the execution of their duty. That makes the charge much more serious.” He sucked his blunt pencil thoughtfully, then wrote:
“You will now be charged with driving a mechanically propelled vehicle—to wit, one motor-cycle—along the Tuckleford Road to the common danger; exceeding of the speed limit in a ten-mile control; destroying of live-stock—to wit, three chickens ”

“ Gillibrand,” advised the less sedate clergyman.
“Persons,” corroborated the policeman, “charged with a offence against the law and witholdin’ of their name and address when requested by a police officer is liable to be arrested summary. ”