Ian Hay

“ Here Excalibur would lie down with the contented sigh of a tired child, and go to sleep. As he almost invariably lay down between the hole and the ball, the players agreed to regard him as a bunker. Eileen putted round him; but the Curate, who had little regard for the humbler works of creation, Excalibur thought, used to take his mashie and attempt a lofting shot—an enterprise in which he almost invariably failed, to Excalibur's great inconvenience. ”

“ It was quite impossible to move Excalibur once he had decided to remain where he was, so Eileen and the Curate agreed to regard him as a sort of artificial excrescence—like the buttress in a fives court. If the ball hit him—as it frequently did—the player waiting for it was at liberty either to play it or claim a let. This arrangement added a piquant and pleasing variety to what is too often—especially when indulged in by mediocre players—a very dull game. ”

“ Arrived at the hutch, Excalibur wagged his tail and contemplated the rabbit with his usual air of vacuous benevolence. The rabbit made not the faintest response, but continued to munch green food, twitching its nose in a superior manner. Finally, when it could endure Excalibur's admiring inspection and hard breathing no longer, it turned its back and retired into its bedroom. ”

“ As the tennis lawn was fast beginning to resemble a golf links, we locked Excalibur up in the wash house, where his hyena-like howls rent the air for the rest of the evening, penetrating even to the dining room. ”

“ On seeing me he immediately came forward, wagging his tail, and placed himself at my feet in the position most convenient to me for inflicting chastisement.
I wonder how many of our human friends would be willing to pay such a price for the pleasure of our company.
As time went on, Excalibur filled out into one of the most terrifying spectacles I have ever beheld. In one respect, though, he lived up to his knightly name. His manners were of the most courtly description, and he had an affectionate greeting for all—beggars included. He was particularly fond of children. ”

“ Presently he said—
“Afraid of hard work?”
“No work is hard to a man with a wife and a home of his own,” replied the Curate with simple fervour. Lord Caversham smiled grimly. He had more homes of his own than he could conveniently live in, and he had been married three times. But even he found work hard now and then.
“I wonder!” he said. “Well, good-afternoon. I should like to be introduced to your fiancée one day.”
He walked briskly down the stairs and into the street. Mary Ellen, frustrating the footman, darted forward and flung open the door of the car with a magnificent flourish. ”

“ Excalibur, who was now lying upon the hearthrug dismembering the chicken, thumped his tail guiltily upon the floor, but made no attempt to rise.
“I am very sorry,” said Eileen, “but I am afraid my dog is trespassing. May I call him out?”
“Certainly,” said the Curate. “But”—he racked his brains to devise some means of delaying the departure of this radiant, fragrant vision—“he is not the least in the way. I am very glad of his company: I think it was most neighbourly of him to call. ”

“ No, little girl, you and I are too proud—too proud of the Cloth—for that. We will never give a handle to the people who are always waiting to have a fling at the improvident clergy—not if it breaks our hearts we won't!”
“You are quite right, dear,” said Eileen quietly. “We must wait.”
Then the Curate said the most difficult thing he had said yet. “I shall have to go away from here.”
Eileen's hand turned cold in his.
“Why?” she whispered; but she knew.
“Because if we wait here, we shall wait for ever. The last curate in Much Moreham—what happened to him?” ”

“ Suddenly the reeling engine of the express left the metals and staggered drunkenly along the ballast. A moment later it turned right over, taking the guard's van and the first four coaches with it, and the whole train came to a standstill.
It was a corridor train; and, unfortunately for Gerald Gilmore and the commercial traveller, their coach fell over corridor side downwards. There was no door upon the other side of the compartment—only three windows, crossed by a stout brass bar. These windows had suddenly become skylights.
They fought their way out at last. ”

“ In acknowledgment of this courtesy Excalibur always sent his love to the Curate—Eileen wrote every Friday—and he and Eileen walked together, rain or shine, on Friday afternoons to post the letter in the next village. Much Moreham post-office was too small to remain oblivious to such a regular correspondence.
But the Curate was seen no more in his old parish. Railway journeys are costly things, and curates' holidays rare. Besides, he had no overt excuse for coming. And so life went on for five years. The Curate and Eileen may have met during that period, for Eileen sometimes went away visiting ”

“ All curates ought to be able to play cricket. I do my best, but there is n’t a single boy in the Sunday school who can’t bowl me. It’s humiliating!”
“Do you play tennis at all?” asked Eileen.
“Yes, in a way.”
“I am sure my sister will be pleased if you will come and have a game with us one afternoon.”
The enraptured Curate had already opened his mouth to accept this demure invitation, when Excalibur, rising from the hearthrug, stretched himself luxuriously and wagged his tail, thereby removing three pipes, an inkstand, a tobacco–jar, and a half completed Sermon from the writing-table. ”

“ Men, women, babies, kittens, even ducks—they were all one to him.
At one time Eileen had endeavoured to teach him a few simple accomplishments, such as begging for food, dying for his country, and carrying parcels. She was unsuccessful in all three instances. Excalibur upon his hind legs stood about five feet six, and when he fell from that eminence, as he invariably did when he tried to beg, he usually broke something. ”

“ Having at length committed ourselves to the purchase of the animal, we proceeded to consider such details as breed, sex, and age. My wife vacillated between a bloodhound, because bloodhounds are so aristocratic in appearance, and a Pekinese, because they are dernier cri. (We like to be dernier cri even in Much Moreham.) Her younger sister Eileen, who spends a good deal of time with us, suggested an Old English sheep-dog, explaining that it would be company for my wife when I was away from home. ”

“ Little dogs merely bit his legs, while big dogs cut him dead.
I think this was why he usually commenced his morning round by calling on a rabbit. The rabbit lived in a hutch in a yard at the end of a passage between two cottages—the first turning on the right after you entered the village—and Excalibur always dived down this at the earliest opportunity. It was no use for Eileen (who usually took him out on these occasions) to endeavour to hold him back. Either Excalibur called on the rabbit by himself or Eileen went with him: there was no other alternative. ”

“ When evening came they all dined together in a cheap little restaurant in Soho, and were very gay—with the gaiety of people who are whistling to keep their courage up. After dinner Eileen said good-bye, first to Excalibur and then to the Curate. She was much more demonstrative towards the former than the latter, which is the way of women. Then the Curate put Eileen into a taxi, and, having, with the aid of the commissionnaire, extracted Excalibur from underneath,—he had gone there under some confused impression that it was the guard's van again,—said good-bye for the last time ”

“ We set out to walk home by the short cut across the golf course.
“Anyhow, we have saved five shillings,” remarked Stella.
“We paid half-a-crown for the taxi which took us back to Victoria Station,” I reminded her.
“Do not argue to-night, darling,” responded my wife. “I simply cannot endure anything more.”
Plainly she was a little unstrung. Very considerately I selected another topic.
“I think our best plan,” I said cheerfully, “would be to advertise for a dog.”
“I never wish to see a dog again,” replied Stella. ”

“ But the clergy belong to the black-coated class, and people in the lower ranks of the black-coated class are the poorest people in the whole wide world. They have to spend money on luxuries—collars, and charwomen, and so on—which a workingman can spend entirely on necessities. It would n’t merely mean no pretty dresses and a lot of hard work for you, Eileen. ”

“ Meanwhile his two confederates, Excalibur and Eileen, continued to reside at Much Moreham. Eileen was still the recognized beauty of the district, but she spread her net less promiscuously than of yore. Girl friends she always had in plenty, but it was noticed that she avoided intimacy with all eligible males of over twenty and under forty-five years of age. No one knew the reason of this, except Excalibur. Eileen used to read Gerald's letters aloud to him every Tuesday morning: sometimes the letter contained a friendly message to Excalibur himself. ”

“ To those who have never attempted to track a fellow creature surreptitiously through the streets of London on a hot day the feat may appear simple. It is in reality a most exhausting, dilatory, and humiliating exercise. Our difficulty lay not so much in keeping our friend in sight as in avoiding frequent and unexpected collisions with him. ”

“ I was not feeling quite comfortable myself. The atmosphere seemed a trifle oppressive; perhaps we had done wrong in having a fire after all. Lady Wickham appeared to notice it too. She sat very upright, fanning herself mechanically, and seemed disinclined to lean back in her chair.
After the song was finished I said:
“I am afraid you are not quite comfortable, Lady Wickham. Let me get you a larger cushion.”
“Thank you,” said Lady Wickham; “the cushion I have is delightfully comfortable; but I think there is something hard behind it.” ”

“ We only want something that will bark at beggars and be gentle with Baby. Why not go to the Home for Lost Dogs at Battersea? I believe you can get any dog you like there for five shillings. We will run up to town next Wednesday and see about it—and I might get some clothes as well.”
Hence our presence on the tram.
Presently the conductor, who had kindly pointed out to us such objects of local interest as the River Thames and the Houses of Parliament, stopped the tram in a crowded thoroughfare and announced that we were in Battersea. ”

“ But the chances are that she never saw the Curate, or I think she would have told Excalibur about it. We simply have to tell some one.
Then, quite suddenly, came a tremendous change in Excalibur's life. Eileen's brother-in-law—he was Excalibur's master no longer, for Excalibur had been transferred to Eileen by deed of gift, at her own request, on her first birthday after the Curate's departure—fell ill. There was an operation, and a crisis, and a deal of unhappiness at Much Moreham: then came convalescence, followed by directions for a sea voyage for six months. ”

“ Excalibur, mistaking her intention, and anxious to oblige, promptly crawled in.
IX A tramp opened the Rectory gate and shambled up the neat gravel walk towards the house. Taking a short cut through the shrubbery, he emerged suddenly upon a little lawn.
Upon the lawn a lady was sitting in a basket-chair, beside a perambulator, whose occupant was slumbering peacefully. A small but intensely capable nursemaid, prone upon the grass in a curvilinear attitude, was acting as a tunnel to a young gentleman of three who was impersonating a railway train. ”

“ I replied, with more enthusiasm than I had hitherto displayed. “At least I think I ought to. You can please yourself.”
“I will not be left in the street,” said Stella firmly. “We must just wait here together until he comes out.” ”

“ In the East and South and North there is always work to be done—hard work. And if a parson has no money and no brains and no influence and can only work—run clothing-clubs and soup-kitchens, and reclaim drunkards—London is the place for him. ”

“ But at the Junction the Curate found a special waiting to proceed north by a loop line; and, being in no mind to receive compliments or waste his substance on a hotel bill, he departed forthwith, taking his charred confederate, Excalibur, with him.
VIII But Fortune, once she takes a fancy to you, is not readily shaken off, as most successful men are always trying to forget. ”

“ Eileen said no more. There are problems which even young women of twenty cannot solve.
A warm bath had revealed to us the fact that the puppy was of a dingy yellow hue. I suggested that we should call him “Mustard.” Our son John, on being consulted (against my advice) by his mother, addressed the animal as “Pussy.” Stella continued to favour “Tiny.” Finally Eileen, who was at the romantic age, produced a copy of Tennyson and suggested “Excalibur,” alleging in support of her preposterous proposition that ”

“ One day Eileen and the Curate conducted Excalibur to a neighbouring mountain range—at least, so it appeared to Excalibur—and played another ball game. This time they employed long sticks with iron heads, and two balls, which, though they were much smaller than the tennis balls, were incredibly hard and painful. ”

“ He had not been absent more than thirty seconds, but during that time a plateful of sausages had mysteriously disappeared; and as they entered, Excalibur was apologetically settling down upon the hearthrug with a cottage loaf.
Eileen uttered cries of dismay and apology, but the Curate would have none of them.
“My fault entirely!” he insisted. “I have no right to be breakfasting at this hour. But this is my day off. I take early Service every morning at seven ”