Ivan Bunin

“ Semyon jumped to his feet. Forgetting all about his coat and the tools, he began to walk rapidly in the direction of the hamlet. It began to rain when he turned from the high road into the field. The dark clouds were now hanging low over the gloomy gulches. The reddish moon was disappearing behind them. The hamlet was fast asleep; only the cattle moved restlessly in their barns, and roosters crowed ominously. Semyon began to run, and, approaching his old, dilapidated house, he heard women wailing. Near the threshold he came across his brother Nikon, standing with his coat on and his head bare. ”

“ Your heart was seething. You overturned chairs, rushed from room to room, struck the floor with your feet, shouted as if pouring your whole thirst for happiness into that shout. . .Then life struck your heart with the dull knife of pain and humiliation. And you began to cry, and shriek, and call for help.
Not a muscle twitched in the face of Life. . .Give in, give in! And you gave in.
VII.
Do you remember how timidly you came out of the nursery, and what you said to me?
"Uncle," you said, exhausted by your struggle for happiness, and still thirsting for it. "Uncle, forgive me, please." ”

“ The moment you opened your eyes, you called me into your room and began to beg me to subscribe to a magazine for children, to buy you books, pencils, paper, and to begin immediately to teach you figures.
"But this is a holiday, everything is closed," said I, knowing perfectly well that I lied, but trying to postpone the matter until the evening or the next day; for I had not the slightest desire of going to the city.
But you began to shake your head.
"It isn't a holiday, at all!" You almost screamed this, raising your eye-brows. "I know it isn't a holiday." ”

“ She's only two, anyway. Though she is a fine girl, and nice to look at; we'll all be awfully sorry for her. But what's to be done?"
"Hear him, ye Christians," said Elijah in a loud voice. "I agree."
And then such a bright streak of lightning tore the cloud, that Semyon's eyelashes almost became lit up, and such a violent peal of thunder shook the sky, that the whole earth trembled.
"Holy, holy, holy Lord! Have pity on us!" whispered Semyon.
Awaking, and opening his eyes, Semyon saw only a cloud of dust, and the fluttering stalks swayed by the wind. ”

“ You begged me for at least a drop of that happiness, the longing for which was bringing you such acute suffering.
But Life is not so easily appeased. It made a sad face and said:
"Of course, the knowledge of figures brings happiness. But you do not love your uncle."
"It isn't true, I do love him! I do love him!"
Then Life became kinder.
"Well, bring your chair to the table and get the pencils and some paper." ”

“ You can't buy them for money. However, you can do as you like." And she left the nursery.
Your pride was broken. You were conquered. The more inaccessible is a dream, the more fascinating it is—and the more fascinating it is, the more inaccessible it seems. This I know well. The dream holds me in thrall from my early childhood. And I know that the more precious my thought is to me, the less hope there is of its becoming realized. And I am waging a constant struggle with it. I play the hypocrite; I pretend that I am indifferent. But what could you do?
Happiness, happiness! ”

“ The pain of the blow, the sudden and sharp humiliation that struck your very heart in one of the most joyful moments of your childhood, caused you to set up such a dreadful cry, in such a high-pitched voice, that the best singer in the world would have envied the reach of your register. ”

“ You can see what a wise uncle I am.
II.
That morning you awoke with a new thought, a new dream, that overmastered your whole soul.
You were suddenly filled with an ambition to taste of pleasures heretofore unknown: to own your own books with pictures, your own pen-case, your own colored pencils—there was no question about their being colored—to learn how to read, draw, make figures. All this was to be acquired immediately, that very day. ”

“ Taking deep breaths, every little while moistening your pencil with your lips, you bent over the table, laboriously tracing those mysterious lines full of some divine significance. And I watched you, my heart full of pleasure, as I inhaled the odor of your soft hair; for the hair of little children has the odor of little birds. ”

“ The bearers were airy, vague, almost transparent, but the image was perfectly clear and distinct; the awful, stern face shone red upon the black field, burnt by candle-flames, besplattered with wax, and framed in ancient, bluish silver. ”

“ Stop bothering your uncle."
"That isn't it at all," said I to grandma. "Only, I don't want to do it now. I'll do it to-night, or to-morrow."
"No, you'll do it now."
"I don't want to do it now. I said to-morrow."
"Oh, yes, you said to-morrow. And to-morrow you'll tell me the same thing. No, do it now."
My heart was whispering to me that I was committing a great sin, for I was depriving you of happiness, of joy. . .But a wise principle came into my head: it is harmful to let children have their own way. ”

“ You never knew when to stop once you became excited over something. Sometimes you would give us no rest with your incessant running about the house. And yet I know of nothing that would be more touching than the sight of you, when, weary with your racing about, you would become quiet, walk around a little, and then come to me and put your little head against my shoulder, an expression of complete loneliness on your facet And if it happened to be right after a quarrel, did I say but one caressing word to you, what didn't you do with my heart? ”

“ Sitting on the floor, your whole body still occasionally shaken by deep sighs that usually follow a period of long weeping, your face dark with the tears smeared all over it, you were occupied with your modest toys, several match boxes, which you were arranging in the space between your outstretched legs into patterns known to no one but yourself. ”

“ The lamp in the nursery was not lit, and the windows were dark blue. Outside, a winter evening was coming on fast, and it was dreary in the room. You were still sitting on the floor, moving your match-boxes about. Those boxes of yours haunted me. I arose and decided to go out for a walk. But before I was gone, I heard grandma whisper to you:
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Uncle loves you so much and brings you presents and toys." ”

“ I said to-morrow, and it's going to be to-morrow."
"Well, all right uncle," said you in a threatening tone. "You'll remember this."
Then you began to dress rapidly. And as soon as you were dressed, and said the prayers with grandma, and swallowed down a cup of milk, you rushed into the sitting room. A moment later we already heard the rumbling of overturned chairs and your loud shouts. . .
All day we could not get you to quiet down. You hardly ate anything at lunch time, sitting restlessly in your chair, swinging your feet, and regarding me all the time with your strangely shining eyes. ”

“ After that your mother and grandma came into the room, pretending to look for something. Then they would shake their heads and begin to talk of the bad boys who grow up without minding their elders, and whom nobody loves because of that. They always ended by advising you to go to me and ask my forgiveness., "Otherwise uncle will be angry and will go away to Moscow." grandma was saying sadly. "And will never come to see us." ”