J. Stirling Coyne

“ What? (Reads.) “Mary White—I’m going to drown myself in the water-butt, where you’ll find me.” Gracious powers! “Adieu, Widgetts, I forgive you.” Poor dear soul. “But my ghost, and them lobsters will sit heavy on your stomach to-night.” Horrible idea! It can’t be true—she’d never go to commit such a catastrophe in my establishment. Make a coroner’s inquest of herself in my private water-butt, when the Thames is open to all! No, she’s only said so to frighten me. (Throws letter on the floor and goes to folding-doors.) Why Mary, Mary, my dear, don’t be foolish! ”

“ Well, we all want comfort in this miserable world. (Drinks.) There’s poor Mary White gone on a weeping and wailing voyage to that bourne from whence no traveller gets a return ticket. (Mary laughs in room, R.) Ah, what’s that? A laugh. It had a hollow and inhuman sound. Could it be she? (Points to folding-doors.) Mary—a—a—a—how do I know—she may have been turned into something horrible. The fiend of the water butt, perhaps. She may come to me at night—she said she would. Oh, Lord! The idea of the ghost of a damp laundress at your back. ”

“ Don’t be impertinent, Twill, but listen to me. The party I expect is Ma’amselle Cheri Bounce, a splendid creature, who dances on a limited income, with the strictest regard to propriety, at the Opera House, and gives lessons to private pupils in the pokar and the waltz ah do tongs.
Twill. Whoo! She must be a switcher. (Going.) I’ll run directly, sir.
Wid. Stay! I must make myself attractive for the interesting occasion. Give me the coat that has just been finished for Sir Chippin Porrage, and the waistcoat that’s to be sent home to-morrow morning for the Honourable Cecil Harrowgate’s wedding. ”

“ This night I devote to the tender union of love and lobsters. The adorable Ma’amselle Cheri Bounce, the ballet dancer, at last consents to partake a little quiet supper with me here this evening. I must read her charming note once more. (Reads.) “Ma’amselle Cheri Bounce presents compliments to Mr. Whittington Widgetts, will feel happy to sup with Mr. W. W. this evening. Ma’amselle C. B. fears that female notions don’t correspond with supping with a single gent, but lobsters is stronger than prudence, therefore trusts to indulgence ”

“ Widgetts rushes out again followed by Mdlle. Cheri Bounce beating him with her umbrella.)
Cheri. Stop him! Don’t let him escape! He has murdered a woman.
Twill. Murdered a woman? Oh, the dirty blackguard, what a taste he had.
(Brown attempts to seize him, but Widgetts strikes his hat over his eyes, runs round the table, and runs to door, L., against which Twill has placed his back.)
Twill. (In a boxing attitude.) No, you don’t.
(Brown now collars him, and Cheri Bounce beats him with her umbrella.)
Brown. Ha, have I got you at last— (shaking him) —villain!
Wid. Help! Murder! Police! Help! ”

“ Mary. And you know, Widgy, dear, when we enter that happy state——
Wid. What state do you allude to, Miss White?
Mary. The marriage state, of course.
Wid. Oh, indeed. Ah!
Mary. You don’t forget, I hope, that I have your promissory note on the back of twenty-nine unpaid washing bills to make me your lawful wife. (Produces several papers.) ”

“ Widgetts totters back, horrified at the sight.) Oh, oh, oh! She done it. She’s there, with her legs sticking out of the water-butt, and her green Sunday boots on her feet—and the vital spark extinct. Oh, it’s too dreadful a sight for human feelings them legs, and them green boots. (Returns, and closes the folding-doors.) What an awful sensation ’twill make when it’s found out ”

“ Ghosts haven’t got a singing license. Hark! ’Tis somebody committing vocal violence in my bedroom. (Goes to door of bed-chamber, R., and looks in.) Hey, there’s a young fellow making himself quite at home in my establishment. I am not aware I ever saw him before. What had I better do? Go in and ask him what he wants? No; that might be dangerous. ’Twill be safer in my present peculiar position to appear as a stranger. Let me see. I have it—capital idea—the waiter from the tavern with the supper—I think I could do a waiter. ”

“ Go and lay the table for supper. (Twill picks up Mary White’s letter from the floor, twists it into an allumette, and lighting it at the candle, lights with it the lamp on table at back. Widgetts walking about in a state of agitation and endeavouring to sing.) It’s an awful business ”

“ Widgetts carries the coat and waistcoat into his bed-room, R., Twill is going towards door, L., when MARY WHITE, the laundress, enters, carrying a basket of clothes under her arm.
Mary. Here, Twill, take my basket, good chap. Is master at home?
Twill. (Takes basket.) Yes, he is at home. (Aside.) Take my basket, good chap. Well, there’s no bearing the impudence of the lower orders. (Sets down basket, R., and calls at door, R.) Please, sir, here’s the laundress come for your clothes. (Crosses to door, L. Aside.) Good chap! ”

“ Enter two WAITERS, L, carrying tray with supper, covered dishes, plates, bottles, &c.—Inserted a period after “L”. p. 17: Its only, “Coming, sir, in one minute...”—Changed “Its” to “It’s”. p. 17: Pulls a handful of the hair out of the chair-seat, goes to to the chimney-glass—Deleted the second “to” after “goes”. p. 17: You’ve particular business with him.—Changed the period to a question mark. p. 18: Cheri. Oh, you droll wretch, you’ve ten times funnier—Changed “you’ve” to “you’re”. p. 18: Mary. There’s no bread, my good fellow—Added a period to the end of the sentence. ”

“ Mary. Lay the table, waiter.
Wid. (Aside.) D—n the table. (Lays the plates and dishes and places the chairs. Mary White gallants Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, apart. Widgetts, C., polishing a plate, furiously.) Here’s a pleasant situation, waiter at my own supper, and afraid to open my mouth. The rascal’s making love to her, and she likes it! Hang ’em, I wish I could strangle them.
(Mary White and Mdlle. Cheri Bounce laughing.)
Cheri. Oh, you droll wretch, you’re ten times funnier than that stupid Widgetts. ”