Joel Chandler Harris

“ Folks ain't got time to eat, much less to tell you where anybody lives. A man that's too busy is bound to worry, and worry will kill him every bit and grain as quick as John Barleycorn. Business is bound to be the ruin of this country, and if you don't live to see it, your children will."
Thus the Major talked, blending wisdom with impracticable ideas in the most delightful way. He seemed to be highly pleased when he found that I was to spend a week at Halcyondale, attending the fair and renewing old friendships. ”

“ Won't you go 'long, Seab, and see it well done?"
"I'll go and see if the supper's well done, and I'll take a shy at your ante," replied Mr. Griffin. "But when it comes to the balance of the programme—well, I'm a lawyer, you know, and you couldn't expect me to witness the affair. I might have to take your cases and prove an alibi, you know, and I couldn't conscientiously do that if I was on hand at the time."
"The Ku-Klux don't have to have alibis," suggested Larry Pulliam. ”

“ Aunt Minervy Ann paused and smacked her lips. “Atter she got de vittles an’ de dram, she sorter drap off ter sleep, but ’twuz a mighty flighty kinder sleep. She’d wake wid a jump des ’zackly like babies does, an’ den she’d moan an’ worry twel she dozed off ag’in. I nodded, suh, bekaze you can’t set me down in a cheer, night er day, but what I’ll nod, but in betwix’ an’ betweens I kin hear Marse Gabe Towers walkin’ up an’ down in de liberry; walk, walk; walk, walk, up an’ down. I ’speck ef I’d ’a’ been one er de nervious an’ flighty kin’ dey’d ’a’ had to tote me out er dat house de nex’ day ”

“ The immortality of Socrates and Plato should be enough to convince us that common-sense is almost as inspiring as the gift of prophecy. To interpret Aunt Minervy Ann in this way is merely to give a correct report of what occurred on the veranda, for explanation of this kind was necessary to give the lady of the house something like a familiar interest in the recital. ”

“ Pulliam's tone was so supercilious that I was afraid the Major would lose his temper and come raging down the hallway. But he did nothing of the kind. When I returned he was fairly beaming, and seemed to be perfectly happy. The Major took down the names in his note-book—I have forgotten all except those of Buck Sanford and Larry Pulliam; they were all from the country except Larry Pulliam and the young lawyer.
After my visit to the room, the men spoke in lower tones, but every word came back to us as distinctly as before.
"The feed of the horses won't cost us a cent," remarked young Sanford. ”

“ He went up-town, but he ain’t stay long, an’ when he come back he foun’ Sally in de house cryin’ an’ gwine on. She won’t tell what de matter, an’ she won’t let nobody do nothin’ fer ’er. Now, ef she’d ’a’ been mine, suh, I’d ’a’ frailed ’er out den an’ dar, an’ I’d ’a’ kep’ on frailin’ ’er out twel she’d ’a’ vowed dat she never know’d no gal name Mary Ellen. Dat’s me! But Marse Bolivar ain’t look at it dat away, an’ de man what never knuckle ter no human bein’, rich er po’, high er low, had ter knuckle ter dat chile, an’ she wa’n’t much bigger dan yo’ two fists. ”

“ And the loneliness and silence of the night will take a shape almost tangible. The stirring of the half-dead leaves, the chirping of a belated cricket, simply emphasized the loneliness and made the silence more profound. At intervals, all nature seemed to heave a deep sigh, and address itself to slumber again. ”

“ I went ’long wid Hamp, suh, an’ he show’d me de way ter de gall’ry, an’ I sot up dar an’ look down on um, an’ wonder why all un um, white an’ black, wa’n’t at home yearnin’ der livin’ ’stidder bein’ in dat place a-wranglin’ an’ callin’ names, an’ howlin’ an’ wavin’ der arms an’ han’s. Dey wuz a big fat white man settin’ up in de pulpit, an’ he kep’ on a-maulin’ it wid a mallet. I dunner what his name wuz, but I hear one big buck nigger call ’im Mr. Cheer. Marse Tumlin tol’ me atterwards dat de man wuz de speaker, but all de res’ done lots mo’ speakin’ dan what he did; all un um ’cep’ Hamp. ”

“ I must ’a’ show’d it in my looks, ’kaze Marse Tumlin laid his han’ on my shoulder an’ say, ‘Don’t kick up no racket, Minervy Ann; you got Hamp right whar you want ’im. You know what we come fer.’ Well, suh, I hatter stan’ dar an’ swaller right hard [108] a time er two, ’kaze I ain’t got no use fer mulatters; to make um, you got ter spile good white blood an’ good nigger blood, an’ when dey er made dey got in um all dat’s mean an’ low down on bofe sides, an’ ef dey yever is ter be saved, dey’ll all hatter be baptize twice han’ runnin’—once fer de white dat’s in um, and once fer de black. ”

“ Miss Fanny seed sump’n wuz wrong, de minnit de light fell on de gal’s face. She say, ‘Why, Sadie, darlin’, what de matter wid you?’—des so—an’ made ez ef ter put ’er arms ’roun’ ’er; but Miss Sadie swunk back. Miss Fanny sorter swell up. She say, ‘Oh, ef I’ve hurt yo’ feelin’s ter-day—ter-day uv all de days—please, please fergi’ me!’ Well, suh, I dunner whar all dis gwine ter lead ter, an’ I put in, ‘She des wanter have a talk wid you an’ Marse Gabe, Miss Fanny; an’ ef ter-day is one er de days her feelin’s oughtn’ter be hurted, take keer dat you don’t do it. ”

“ I ’speck dey must er swapt talk ’bout love an’ marryin’—you know yo’se’f, ma’m, dat dat’s de way young folks is. Howsomever dat may be, Marse Jesse, des ter tease ’er, sot down one day an’ writ a long letter ter his wife. Tooby sho’ he ain’t got no wife, but he des make out he got one, an’ dat letter he lef’ layin’ ’roun’ whar Miss Sadie kin see it. ’Twa’n’t in no envelyup, ner nothin’, an’ you know mighty well, ma’m, dat when a ’oman, young er ol’, see dat kinder letter layin’ ’roun’ she’d die ef she don’t read it. ”

“ Who you in mournin’ fer?’ She ’low, ‘Fer myse’f.’ Wid dat she wuz gwine on ter tel ’im ’bout what she had done, but he wouldn’t have it dat way. He say, ‘When I come back ter [67] life, atter I wuz drownded, I ’gun ter hunt fer you des ez soon’s I got out’n de hospittle. I wuz huntin’ fer you ter tell you dat I love you. I’d ’a’ tol’ you dat den, an’ I tell you dat now.’ She grip my arm mighty hard at dat. Marse Jesse went on mightly. He tell ’er dat she ain’t done nobody no harm, dat she wuz welcome ter his name ef he’d ’a’ been dead, an’ mo’ welcome now dat he wuz livin’. ”

“ You know how our white folks is; you kin spit in one man’s face an’ he not take it up, but some er his kinnery er his frien’s is sho ter take it up. So I say ter myse’f, ‘Look here, nigger ’oman, you better keep yo’ mouf shot an’ bofe eyes open, kaze dey gwine ter be hot times in deze diggin’s.’ When I come ter look at um, suh, my ginger-cakes wa’n’t hurt, an’ de chicken-pie wuz safe an’ soun’ ’cep’ dat er little er de gravy had sorter run out. When I git thoo brushin’ an’ cleanin’ um, I look up, I did, an’ dar wuz Marse Bolivar Blasengame walkin’ up an’ down right close at me. ”

“ Marse Tumlin ain’t keerin’ whedder he git one case er none. He ain’t bleedze ter do no lawin’. An’ den ’pon top er dat he went off whar dey battlin’, an’ dar he stayed, an’ when he come back, look like de kinder lawin’ what he use ter do done gone outer fashion. Ef he hadn’t er been holp out, suh, I dunner what’d ’a’ come un ’im. An’ ’twa’n’t only Marse Tumlin. Dey wuz a whole passel un um, too young ter die an’ too ol’ ter win money in dem kinder times. Ef you ain’t ol’ ’nuff ter ’member dem times, suh, you kin thank de Lord, kaze dey sho did look like tetotal ruination. ”

“ Certainly I remembered Hamp, who was Aunt Minervy Ann's husband. I inquired about her, and Hamp, who had swung up to the trunk-rack as the buggy moved off, replied that she was at home and as well as she could be.
"Yes," said the Major, "she's at my house. You may see somebody else besides Minervy Ann, but you won't hear anybody else. She owns the whole place and the people on it. I had a Boston man to dinner some time ago, one of Conant's friends—you remember Paul Conant, don't you?—and I stirred Minervy Ann up just to see what the man would say. ”

“ For a quarter of an hour there was absolute quiet in the room, and, as it seemed, in the entire building, which was a brick structure of two stories, the stairway being in the centre. The hallway was, perhaps, seventy-five feet long, and on each side, at regular intervals, there were four rooms, making eight in all, and, with one exception, variously occupied as lawyers' offices or sleeping apartments, the exception being the printing-office in which Major Perdue and I were sitting. This was at the extreme rear of the hallway. ”

“ You sho is done a mighty good part by me an’ mine. Ef yo’ Miss Mary wuz ’live she’d know what ter say—I don’t, ’cep’ dis’—he straighten up an’ stretch out his han’—‘’cep’ dis: whenever you want ter come back home, you’ll fin’ de do’ open. Ef you come at night, des knock. We’ll know yo’ knock.’
“You ain’t never seed no fool nigger ’oman cut up, is you? Well, ef you does see one, suh, I hope ter goodness ’twon’t be me! Marse Tumlin ain’t no mo’n got de words out’n his mouf, suh, ’fo’ I tuck de bundle what I had in my han’, an’ flung it fur ez I could send it. ”

“ She's seed 'im frownin' an' she's seed 'im frettin', but she ain't never hear no cross word. An' dat what make I say what I does. 'Taint nobody but de quality dat kin show der breedin' right in der own fambly."
"Why, I've heard that the Major has something of a temper," I remarked.
"Temper!" exclaimed Aunt Minervy Ann, holding up both hands; "temper, I hear you say! Well, suh, dat ain't no name fer it. I done seed bad men, but Marse Tumlin is de wuss man when
"Marse Tumlin never did pass a nigger on de road." ”

“ Ef any ’spicion cross my min’ it wuz dat maybe Miss Sadie puttin’ dem things dar fer ter ’sprise me Chris’mus by tellin’ me dey wuz fer me. But one day she come ter my house, an’ sot down an’ put her han’s over her face like she got de headache er sump’n.
“Wellum”—Aunt Minervy Ann, with real tact, now began to address herself to the lady of the house—“Wellum, she sot dar so long dat bimeby I ax ’er what de matter is. She ain’t say nothin’; she ain’t make no motion. I ’low ter myse’f dat she don’t wanter be pestered, so I let ’er ’lone an’ went on ’bout my business. ”

“ Ef you done wrong, you ain't hurt nobody but yo'se'f, an' it oughtn'ter hurt you. You been a mighty big blessin' ter me, an' ter Fanny here, an' I wouldn't 'a' missed knowin' you, not fer nothin'. Wid dat, he come out cle'rin up his th'oat an' blowin' his nose twel it soun' like a dinner-horn. His eye fell on me, an' he 'low, 'Look like you er allers on han' when dey's trouble.' I made answer, 'Well, Marse Gabe, dey might be wusser ones 'roun' dan me.' He look at me right hard an' say, 'Dey ain't no better, Minervy Ann.' Well, suh, little mo' an' I'd 'a' broke down, it come so sudden. ”

“ A white man wanted to run, but the negroes said they preferred their own color, and they had their way. They had their way at the polls, too, for, as nearly all the whites who would have voted had served in the Confederate army, they were at that time disfranchised. So Hamp was elected overwhelmingly, "worl' widout een'," as he put it, and the effect it had on him was a perfect illustration of one aspect of human nature. ”

“ I 'low, 'You say you love Marse Jesse, an' you say you love his folks. Well, den ef you got any blood in you, ef you got any heart in yo' body, ef you got any feelin' fer anybody in de roun' worl' 'cep'n' yo' naked se'f, you'll go up dar ter dat house an' tell Gabe Towers dat you want ter see 'im, an' you'll tell Fanny Towers dat you want ter see her, an' you'll stan' up befo' um an' tell um de tale you tol' ter me, word fer word. Ef you'll do dat, an' you hatter come back here, come! come! Bless God! come! an' me an' Hamp'll rake an' scrape up 'nuff money fer ter kyar you whar you gwine. ”

“ Public expectation was on tiptoe, and yet the whole town seemed to take the Major's card humorously. Some of the older citizens laughed until they could hardly sit up, and even Mr. Pulliam's friends caught the infection. Indeed, it is said that Mr. Pulliam, himself, after the first shock of surprise was over, paid the Major's audacious humor the tribute of a hearty laugh. When Mr. Pulliam appeared in public, among the first men he saw was Major Perdue. This
"I'd a heap rather you'd pull your shot-gun on me than your pen." ”

“ I ’low, ‘’Kaze ef youer gwine right soon, I’m gwine wid you.’ He laugh an’ say, ‘What de dickunce you gwine up dar fer?’ I ’low, ‘I gwine up dar fer ter jine de Legislatur’. I ain’t here tell dat dem what jines hatter be baptize in runnin’ water, an’ ef dey ain’t, den I’ll jine long wid Hamp.’ Marse Tumlin say, ‘You reckin Hamp would be glad fer to see you, Minervy Ann?’ I ’low, ‘He better had be, ef he know what good fer ’im.’ Marse Tumlin say, ‘Ef I wuz you, Minervy Ann, I wouldn’t go up dar spyin’ atter Hamp. He’ll like you none de better fer it. ”

“ Miss Vallie, she ’low she ’speck somebody made ’im a present er dem ar things. I say, ‘Uh-uh, honey! don’t you fool yo’se’f. Nobody ain’t gwine ter do dat. Our folks ain’t no mo’ like dey useter wuz, dan crabapples is like plums. Dey done come ter dat pass dat whatsomever dey gits der han’s on dey ’fuse ter turn it loose. All un um, ’cep’ Marse Tumlin Perdue. Dey ain’t no tellin’ what he gun fer all dat trash. Trash! Hit’s wuss’n trash! I wish you’d go out dar an’ look at dat ol’ bob-tail hoss. Why dat ol’ hoss wuz stove up long ’fo’ de war. ”

“ Well, suh, sho’ ’nuff, de nex’ mornin’ me an’ Marse Tumlin an’ Marse Bolivar, we got on de train, an’ put out, an’ ’twa’n’t long ’fo’ we wuz pullin’ in under de kyar-shed. Dat ’uz de fus’ time I ever is been ter dis town, an’ de racket an’ de turmoil kinder tarrify me, but when I see ’t’er folks gwine ’long ’tendin’ ter der bizness, ’twa’n’t no time ’fo’ I tuck heart, ’kaze dar wuz Marse Tumlin an’ Marse Bolivar right at me, an’ dey wuz bowin’ an’ shakin’ han’s wid mos’ eve’ybody dat come ’long. Dey wuz two mighty pop’lous white men, suh ”

“ Well, suh, I sot dar some little time, but eve’ything wuz so still in de house, bein’s Marse Tumlin done gone down town, dat I crope back an’ crope in fer ter see what Miss Vallie doin’. Well, suh, she wuz cryin’—settin’ dar cryin’. I ’low, ‘Honey, is I say anything fer ter hurt yo’ feelin’s?’ She blubber’ out, ‘You know you ain’t!’ an’ den she cry good-fashion.
“Des ’bout dat time, who should come in but Marse Tumlin. He look at Miss Vallie an’ den he look at me. He say, ‘Valentine, what de matter?’ I say, ‘It’s me! I’m de one! ”

“ We were in the sitting-room, and Aunt Minervy Ann sank down on a footstool and rested one arm on the lounge. "Right atter freedom dey wa'n't nothin' like no bank down whar we live at; you know dat yo'se'f, suh. Folks say dat banks kin run widout money, but 'fo' you start um, dey got ter have money, er sump'n dat look like money. An' atter freedom dey wa'n't no money 'roun' here 'cep' dat kin' what nobody ain't hankerin' atter. ”