John Jervis

“ There is a Perversity in poor human nature which sets itself against Correction, and is restive to reproof, but is pliant and yielding to the least expression of Kindness. Pride is like the Rust that seizes and stiffens the Spring of an Engine, and checks its motion, so that no force can set it to work ”

“ The noisy announcement of the arrival of the Visitors at these Nocturnal Assemblies, by the absurd custom of a Thundering Rapping at the Door, which is already open, is one of the most ridiculous customs of modern times, and should be entirely abolished.—If a parcel of silly people are permitted to meet together at Midnight, they ought not to be permitted to murder the Sleep of their surrounding neighbours, from Ten at Night till Three in the Morning! ”

“ When you wish to go Faster or Slower, do not say simply “Faster,” or “Slower,” but say “Four,” “Six,” or “Eight,” according to the number of Miles you wish to be driven in an Hour.
In traversing the main Streets of London, always allow at least five minutes in every half hour for Stoppages.
Desire your Coachman to choose the Pleasantest, rather than the Nearest way. Some inconsiderate charioteers, to save the tenth part of a Mile, will drive you through all the nasty narrow Lanes they can find, as if they were trying to make you sick with foul air. ”

“ Our Granite Pavement has shared the fate of every thing in this World, where nothing remains long at rest: as soon as it had arrived at as high a degree of perfection as it appeared capable of, it was pulled up, and hammered into pieces:—so much for the Constancy and permanency of Human Ways! ”

“ Jervis says that a Carriage with only Two Wheels, however well piloted by the most expert charioteer, is an extremely dangerous Vehicle in a paved and crowded street—especially, at the rapid rate at which some perfunctory people require them to keep moving. If the Horse be ever so sure-footed, and the Driver ever so skilful and steady, they are frightfully dangerous Vehicles for town work, and will only be used by those who are rash enough to sacrifice safety to Celerity, and Comfort to Cheapness. ”

“ With these useful and even splendid works upon the same line of Road, it becomes a matter of Surprise, that the distance between Westgate turnpike, at the crossing of Gower Street North, up to the Regent’s Park, should not only remain without any reformation, but that buildings,—workmen’s huts,—sheds,—smoky chimneys, and all manner of nuisances, should be allowed not only to continue, but to increase daily close to the Road. ”

“ Some Good Masters never (unless in a case of necessity) take their Carriage out on a Sunday.
In well-governed Families, every Servant has the liberty every Sunday of going once to Church; which if they neglect, and fail in their duty to their Maker, they may well be suspected of failing in their duty to their master:—A Person who goes regularly to Church, will be Well spoken of, though he may have no other merit to recommend him: He who neglects that Duty is Ill spoken of, if he has no other Fault, and has every other Virtue. ”

“ A cautious Coachman is ever unremittingly upon the look out, keeping both his Eyes open; employing One to guide his own Horses, and the Other to watch how those who are coming guide theirs; or, as a Wag might say, an Accomplis’d Coachman ought to Squint! He depends entirely upon his own Attention to keep so completely out of their way, that it may be next to impossible for them to run against him.
The most Crowded places are not always the most Dangerous: Accidents most frequently happen from empty One Horse Carts, in which the Driver rides, instead of walking by the side of the Horse. ”

“ To cover a Horse with heavy Clothes while he is in a hot Stable, and to strip him stark naked when he goes out into the Cold Air, is, I think, as absurd a custom as can easily be imagined!—Gentle Reader, how would You like to have your Great Coat put on while sitting by your Fire-side in your Snug Parlour, which is of the comfortable temperature of 60, and have it pulled off when you went out, and were obliged to stand two or three hours with a cold wind blowing upon you of a chilling temperature of 40, and perhaps Raining hard into the bargain? ”

“ Those who affect an elegant Equipage, usually give their Coachman annually, say Two handsome Suits of what is termed the best Second Cloth (what is called Livery Cloth is a little cheaper, but much coarser, and not half so serviceable) .
For those who make but little use of their Carriage, One Livery a Year, or Two in Three Years, is enough, especially if you give a Working-dress, as the Livery is then worn merely when he mounts the Box to drive. ”

“ A Horse of true proportions strikes the fancy of every beholder; we immediately assent to the beauty of the object, and take it for granted that Symmetry must be accompanied with either Strength or Swiftness. True Judgment is displayed in selecting a Horse possessing great powers, under the cover of an ill-favoured outward appearance, and discriminating from among those of a pleasing form such as are devoid of them.
Many who have written on Horses have attributed much to the influence of Colour on the Constitutions of Horses ”

“ The form of Carriages is as absurdly at the mercy of Fashion, as the Cut of a Coat is;—however, if the Reader is willing to let the Builder please himself with the form of the Exterior, he will perhaps not be quite so polite as to submit the construction of the Interior entirely to the caprice of his Coachmaker.—If “as easy as an old Coat” be a true Aphorism, “as easy as an Old Carriage” is equally so:—by riding three or four Years in one, you become so used to it, that any change is extremely unpleasant—and if the Elbows or the Seat are too high, or too low, or too narrow, or too wide, &c. ”

“ Its object is to stop horses when running away: the contrivance is extremely simple, and a Lady may, with the greatest facility, apply its force against the power of the horses, thereby gradually but irresistibly arresting their progress. Should the coachman leave the box, this invention will enable him to prevent the possibility of the horses starting off in his absence; or should he be thrown from his seat, or fall off in a fit, or from any other cause, an infirm person or even a Child in the carriage, has the power of stopping a pair, or four horses, with ease and certainty. ”

“ The Elegance of the Interior of a Carriage depends much upon the pattern and breadth of the Lace with which the Lining is bordered, [Pg 72] of which there are a great variety.—Lace-making is a distinct branch of Manufactory; and as “every Eye makes its own Beauty,” the person who builds a Carriage should desire his Coachmaker to furnish him with some patterns to choose from:—there are several Coach Lace-makers in Long Acre. ”

“ When you order your Coachman to call for you, tell him to send you notice of his arrival as soon as he comes, and that within Two minutes after you hear of it, you will either come or send to him—if you do not, to conclude that you have not been told, and desire him peremptorily to order that you may be informed of it, for some people are Rude enough to desire their Servants not to tell their Guests that their Carriage is come, until just such time as they wish them gone. ”

“ Never let Carriage Horses be clothed while in the Stable, but desire your Coachman to carry their Body Clothes with him, and put them on when they have a waiting Job, as he does his own Box Coat;—the former will be as comfortable to his Horses, as the latter is to himself.
A Coachman should make it a Rule (especially when he finds it cold enough to put on his Great Coat) every quarter of an hour to move his Horses about a little, and to draw round some Corner, so as to get out of the Wind. ”

“ Do not permit Strangers to place themselves behind your Carriage at any time, or under any pretence whatever. There are innumerable instances of Carriages having been disabled from proceeding, and Travellers robbed and finished, by allowing such accommodation. The Collectors of Check Braces, and Footmen’s Holders, assume all kind of Characters, and are so expert, that they will take these articles off in half the time that your Coachman can put them on; and will rob you of what you cannot replace for a Pound, though they cannot sell them for a Shilling. ”

“ The Hardy habits of Coachmen enable them to brave the inclemencies of the Sky, and to set the Cold and Rain at defiance, when encompassed in their seven-fold Cape, and a comfortable Dry Coat;—but, my fair-weather friend, can you imagine a more awfully dangerous envelope than a Wet Blanket?
Whatever Olympic Wits or Whips might think, there are few modern Jockies who will agree with Pindarus, that Water is the best thing, at least for the lining of the Inner or the Outer Coat of the Stomach. ”

“ There have been many arguments pro and con, concerning the dreadful Disease their bite produces;—it is enough to know, that Multitudes of Men, Women, and Children, have died in consequence of being bitten by Dogs.—What does it matter whether they were the Victims of Bodily Disease or Mental Irritation? The Life of the most humble Human Being is of more value than all the Dogs in the World—dare the most brutal Cynic say otherwise? ”

“ If you have Horses worth an hundred pounds a piece, you will be afraid of using them when you most want them; i. e. in Cold and Wet Weather, for fear of their catching Cold and breaking their Coats, &c. Moreover, the Elegance of an Equipage, in the Eyes of most [Pg 23] people, depends more upon the Carriage, Harness, and Liveries, than upon the Horses:—all can judge of the former, but few of the latter; and, provided they are the same Size and of the same Colour, the Million will be satisfied. ”

“ IV. EXPENSE OF KEEPING A COACHMAN, AND A CARRIAGE AND TWO HORSES, IN YOUR OWN COACH-HOUSE AND STABLE.
Those Persons who are most dependent upon their Carriage, frequently require it to carry them only a Mile or Two, and may save the expense of hiring another Horse while one of their own is Ill, or is in want of a Day’s rest, by having a pair of Shafts made to fit on, and so use it with only one Horse—which will do all the work required by many infirm persons, almost as easily as Two:—we wonder that more Chariots are not so constructed. ”