John Kettelwell

“ The outlines of the game itself are so simple and well-defined that the question of rules scarcely arises. A bearded man is a Beaver, claim him, crying aloud, as musically as possible, “Beaver, fifteen love”—or appropriately to the score. ”

“ Of the Queen-Beaver it may be safely said that “the female of the species is more deadly than the male.” A really fine Pink-Queen is awe-inspiring, and a Grey-Queen infinitely terrifying. The dainty Blonde-Queen (it is advisable to have two assessors, for the signs of her beaverhood are “plus follets, plus doux, plus imperceptibles” [10] than in any other species) has a sinister air; a Black-Queen suggests “Macbeth.” It is curious to read that “in Cyprus the Goddess of Love wore a beard.” [11] Queens are rare and no false gallantry should prevent a player from scoring them whenever possible. ”

“ In England the matter has been entirely regulated by fashion, and I cannot trace the existence of any important body of opinion in favour of or against the practice of shaving. It would, nevertheless, be safe to say that an immature Beaver in the present year of grace is so rare as to be practically unknown—English specimens are seldom lighter than medium-brindle—which shows the trend of modern thought. ”

“ When a player has had some little practice he will often score winning points from behind the specimen. Thus a side-whiskered gentleman may be claimed from the rear but, on drawing level with the quarry, it is observed that the chin is bare ... double fault.
Local Double Faults.
“Local double faults” are always a matter of courtesy, and if one claims a “local D. F.” one is not mulcted in the point. Usually it is some revered and Friend-of-all-the-World Beaver who is created, by general consent, a “local D. F.,” to enable players to discuss, unembarrassed, the day’s sport with him. ”

“ Queens are always scored extravagantly. Usually game; extra-rarities two games, and so on. The Pink-Queen is, without doubt, the rarest of her kind; conversely, when found, she is usually a superb specimen, in rich coat. The question of Queens is dealt with broadly in the terminal essay.
[1] Queens cannot be scored unless they have more than fifteen hairs.
[Pg 39]
R.
IS A RED-KING-BEAVER.
I feel a very natural emotion on commenting on the sublime specimen of the Red-King, the ultimate hope of every keen collector, which is portrayed on the opposite page. ”

“ It is not generally known that a rigidly conscientious person can play single-handed Beaver with great content. One scores Beavers walking in the same direction as oneself to the server, Beavers coming from that direction, and so passing the player, to the striker and stationary Beavers in accordance with the direction in which their heads are turned, towards or away from the player. ”

“ The Jews bore their beards proudly from out the Captivity. Indeed they took captivity captive; did not the Egyptians from time to time, asserting their masculinity, assume ceremonial false beards, “double faults” to a man? The most antient Romans were King-Beavers; the Normans were Walruses; the Greeks supported a considerable number of King-Beavers, among them Pericles and Socrates, “shaving was very rare in the early part of our period (440 B.C.–330 B.C.) .” ”

“ Until the eighteenth century Beaverhood was common, since that time it has grown rarer and rarer, with a sudden uprush of fur to the face in the middle of the last century, an uprush which has now almost died away. ”

“ We have now examined the game briefly, investigated [Pg 62] the characteristics of the Beaver family, cast a rapid and perfunctory glance at the Beaver in History (a subject deserving of a tome) , and suggested explanations that may be offered, a defence that may be attempted, when a player is assailed by a non-player. “To beaver or not to beaver, that is the question.” The decision must be taken; paltering is no part of a man. ”

“ The game can be played anywhere, except in Burithabeth, for “these men have no beards at all, for we saw them carry a certain iron instrument in their hands wherewith, if any hairs grow upon their chin, they presently pluck them out.” [6] Cathedral cities are a favourite habitat of the genus, and some are always to be found in the neighbourhood of Pall Mall. Dockyard towns provide large numbers of the ordinary variety, but very few Kings.
[6] Mandeville. Single-handed Beaver. ”

“ The specimen is a good one, and no player who is deceived by a growth of this kind need feel the smallest depression. It is the kind of thing that might happen to anyone.
A young specimen, darker than dark brindle, has, I believe, never been scored. ”

“ Theoretically it is, certainly, not pretty conduct, but, on the other hand, all is fair in love and war, and ... has any man ever refused to shoot a rhinoceros on the plea that it was a female? (I merely ask ... someone may have done so. There may even be a close time for doe-rhinoes.) Be that as it may, the scoring of Queens is an affair of lineage. ”