Lillian Eichler

“ There is no more eloquent commentary on the vanity of human wishes than the pomp and ceremony which, since the first syllable of recorded time have attended funeral services. Kings and emperors have erected splendid mausolems in which they and their families might be buried, Pharaohs have kept slaves at work for twenty years on a pyramid beneath whose stones their bones might rest, savages in lonely forests have builded great mounds under which their chiefs may wait for the time to go to the Happy Hunting grounds. ”

“ Grief turns instinctively to the somber garments of mourning for the slight measure of comfort which they give, but modern ideas of enlightened civilization look with disfavor on long crêpe veils and any other form of mourning that is so pronounced as to be ostentatious. Black is very depressing, especially to young children, and a mother, however deep her sorrow because of the death of one of her children should keep this in mind and should, at any rate, not wear black every day. If she likes she may wear mourning when she leaves the house. ”

“ Aside from its psychological aspects—those entailing fear, superstition and the belief in religious and traditional customs—death brings with it heartache and sorrow. To lose a beloved one in death is to be conscious of the intangible something that binds the world together, and upon which all civilization is based. ”

“ And so, death brings with it sorrow and misery. Those of us who are most directly concerned can think of no rules of etiquette, no customs of good society, when we are suffering a deep bereavement. We think only of our great loss, and of our great sorrow. ”

“ You are horrified when you read about this savage burial. You wonder at the superstitious ignorance that allows ten girls to be buried alive, and thousands of young men to be slaughtered, merely in honor of a murdered queen and her brutal son. But considering the knowledge of those savages and our knowledge to-day, their education and our education, we find that we are entitled to no excessive praise. The funerals to-day are often comparatively as ridiculous and uncivilized, though the tendency is certainly toward better things. ”

“ If the life itself has not left a record that will last a marble slab will not do much to perpetuate it. Sometimes there is a special achievement or a mark of distinction which may with propriety be cut into the stone or the family of the deceased may inscribe thereupon an expression of their grief or love; but flowery inscriptions belong to the past and since there are no words that can adequately express the grief of a sorrowing family for one who has died it is perhaps best not to attempt it. ”

“ One great rule to remember, for those who come in contact with people who have lost a beloved member of the family, is that sorrow is sacred, and that it is one of the most unforgivable breaches of good behavior to intrude upon it. ”

“ When sorrow is so poignant, private home services are usually held, in which case the immediate members of the family may gather in a room adjoining that in which the guests are assembled. Even in the deepest grief it is possible to remember and observe the great law—"be calm, be silent and serene," and tears do not always mean sorrow, nor loud wailing, grief. ”

“ The custom grew out of the English practice of having the servants wear the black band in households that could not afford a complete mourning outfit, and for this reason has met with disfavor among the fastidious in this country. It has this much in its favor: it accomplishes the purpose of full mourning with the added virtue of economy, and when one's life has to be conducted on a frugal scale it is better to wear the simple black band than to spend one's substance foolishly for mourning. ”

“ We have certain beliefs because tradition says they are true, and therefore, no matter how absurd they are, they are right, and we must hold to them with the same fervor of conviction that makes the savage cling to his. ”

“ But she should remember that the garments of mourning are after all only a symbol of grief and she should hesitate a long time before assuming them. Her mourning outfit is like that of a widow and she wears it for the same length of time.
Children should never wear black. Upon the death of a parent they may wear white perhaps relieved by lavender for six months or so. They do not use mourning stationery and they do not carry black bordered handkerchiefs. A girl fifteen or sixteen may wear delicate grays, lavenders, and mixed goods as well as white, but she should not wear black. ”

“ It is not necessary to appoint pall-bearers for a home funeral. A quiet reserve and dignity should characterize the occasion, and it should be carried out with the greatest amount of expediency possible. If music is desired, the musicians or choristers should be in an adjacent room and the notes should be very low and soft.
Women do not remove their wraps during the ceremony, and men carry their hats in their hands. The women members of the bereaved family enter on the arms of masculine relatives, and if they intend going to the cemetery, they wear their hats and veils. ”

“ While wearing crêpe veil and crêpe-trimmed gowns, a woman should refrain from taking part in all social gaieties. After the crêpe has been discarded, she may attend concerts, dinners and luncheons, and the theater; but she attends no large social functions or fashionable dinners until at least a year after the date of death. The usual round of social duties, including balls and the opera, are not resumed until colors are once again adopted.
A man does not observe the etiquette of mourning as rigidly as his wife or daughter ”

“ There is no iron-clad rule concerning mourning, and one may or may not wear it. Even a widow, a daughter, or a mother is under no compulsion to do so, though to appear in bright colors shortly after the death of a beloved one is certainly an evidence of bad taste.
MOURNING DRESS FOR MEN
The mourning outfit for men is not so pronounced as that for women. A black suit with dull black shoes, black gloves and white linen constitutes first mourning. Many men use only the black band around the coat sleeve. ”

“ Last week in New York a woman died in the ward where they treat patients free of charge, yet for more than fifteen years she had been paying premiums on an insurance policy which would permit her to have a funeral "as good as anybody's funeral." ”

“ If we study present-day funerals carefully we will find that they have much in common with those savage burials of other days. It is because we do things merely because others did the same things before us. ”

“ The somber crêpe announcing to the world that a death has occurred in the family is also fast becoming a thing of the past. One can easily see in this custom of crêpe-hanging a relic of that custom of ancient Patagonia that required all belongings of the deceased to be painted black. Even the body of the person who died was covered with black paint. ”

“ The ladies of a bereaved family should not see callers, even the most intimate friends, unless they are able to control their grief. It is a source of discomfort to the visitor, as well as to the mourner, to enact a scene of semi-hysteria in the drawing-room. ”

“ Thus, the members of the bereaved family should be left as nearly alone to their grief as possible. Nothing in the nature of business should be thrust upon them. A male member of the family should take complete charge; or the immediate duties may be left in the hands of the nearest outside relatives. But whoever does take charge should see that the family is not troubled with the minor details, and that the funeral ceremony is carried out according to the family's pre-confided wishes. ”

“ A Protestant clergyman does not expect a fee but if he has come some distance or if the family wishes to express their thanks in that manner they may offer one which he is privileged to accept with perfect propriety. ”

“ Simplicity characterizes the entire service among well-bred people everywhere. The music is soft and the flowers in many cases are sent to the hospitals where they may gladden the sufferers there instead of being allowed to wilt neglected on the grave. More often than not, nowadays, there is added to the notice of the funeral which is inserted in the newspapers the sentence, "Please omit flowers." ”

“ Those who attend the funeral should not appear in gay or brightly-colored clothes, in deference for the feelings of the sorrowing relatives. Women who wear simple, unrelieved black display an excellent taste although any subdued color is equally good. ”

“ A woman in mourning does not wear jewelry aside from the wedding and engagement rings. Dull bar pins may be used whenever needed and a brooch, plain or set with pearls, may be worn. Dress accessories should be of dull black, purse, gloves, etc. ”

“ Even in the most primitive times it was felt that the dead were going forth on a long, long journey from which they would never return, and their friends wanted to do whatever they could to speed them along the way. ”

“ That is why it is necessary for us all to know the rules of correct conduct, so that when death does enter our household we will instinctively do what is correct. It is a test like this that shows innate good breeding. ”

“ The number and age of the pall-bearers is a matter of taste and not of obligation. But it is considered good form to have six young girls, dressed in white, as the guard of honor for a young girl or woman. They should be selected from among intimate friends. Similarly, six young men are appropriate for a young man who has died; while for an elderly married man, eight gentlemen from among his closest friends and business associates form the usual guard of honor. ”

“ Pall-bearers invariably precede the casket. A widow attends the body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son or daughter, with her other children just behind. After them come the deceased man's parents, followed by his brothers and sisters. Similarly, a widower follows the body of his wife attended by his eldest son or daughter. Children following the body of their only parent take precedence according to their ages, the elder always leading. A widow who has no children follows her husband on the arm of a brother or other near masculine relative. ”

“ It is a sort of protection, for strangers and thoughtless friends will not be so likely to make remarks that will wound, if they have the black dress to remind them of the bereavement which the mother has suffered. ”

“ In cities where a multiplicity of duties makes attendance in the daytime difficult it is customary to have evening services, but under all other circumstances the funeral is scheduled to take place during the day. ”

“ Of course it is a pretty way of expressing sentiment to send a floral offering to some one who has died; but modern principles of good conduct acclaim it better taste, and certainly more dignified, to express these sentiments of regard in some other way. A short expression of sorrow appearing as a semi-public announcement In the newspaper after the announcement of the death may be offered by a group of friends or business associates but it Is not good form for a member of the family of the deceased to insert such an announcement in the papers. Family grief is private ”

“ Therefore it is always wise for the women to keep to their rooms until after the funeral.
THE PALL-BEARERS
If a guard of honor is to be appointed, the person in charge should consult the wishes of the immediate family. Those who are asked to serve receive an invitation by note or by messenger, sent either by the head of the family of the deceased or by the person in charge. Relatives are seldom appointed as pall-bearers. A request to serve as pall-bearer should be refused only for the most imperative reasons. ”