Margaret M. Robertson

“ The way had opened before me, and some day I was to be wise and learned, and a great man among men. I fought against my love. Are you angry with me. Do you despise me? But love conquered. Love is strong and true.”
Allison’s colour changed; and, for a moment, her eyes fell before his; but she raised them again, and said, gravely and firmly:
“John, when a good man loves a woman whom he believes to be good, what is due from him to her?”
“Ah! Allison. Let me have a chance to show you! It will take a long life to do it.”
“John, let me speak. Does he not honour her in his heart? ”

“ What John Beaton saw was Allison Bain standing apart, with Marjorie in her arms, and he saw nothing else for a while. Even Robin, with his bag on his shoulder, stopped a moment to gaze at “our lass,” as he called her in a whisper to his friend. She looked a very different lass from “our Allie” in the manse kitchen, with her downcast eyes, and her silence, and her utter engrossment with the work of the moment. Her big mutch had fallen off, and a mass of bright hair lay over the arm which the child had clasped about her neck. ”

“ Marjorie always called it. She had not seen many gardens, nor had Allison, and the wealth of blossoms which covered every spot where the green grass was not growing, was wonderful in their eyes.
The place was kept in order by an old man, who had long been gardener at Esselmont House, and it was as well kept in the absence of the mistress as when she was there to see it. The garden was full of roses, and of the common sweet-smelling flowers, for which there seems little room in fine gardens nowadays, and it was tended by one who loved flowers for their own sake. ”

“ If the story must be told to his mother, Allison herself must tell it. But why need it be told? If only that meddling old fool, Crombie, had had the sense to hold his tongue. What good could come of speaking? Why should not the poor soul be left to forget her troubles and to grow content? Even his mother could only warn her and help her to get away if it ever came to that with her. But until then silence was best.
He would have a word with Saunners to find out what he knew and what he only suspected, and he would do what might be done to keep him silent. ”

“ They have not been in vain. Mrs Beaton, I wish to do what is right. Tell me what I ought to do.”
“My dear, I cannot tell you. It is you yourself who must decide. Allison, are you strong enough, or patient enough, to think of what may be before you? Think of living your life—ten—twenty years with a man like that! Yes, it is said that he is dying, but that is what no one can really know. And if you go to him now, it must be till death comes to part you. May God guide you. It is not for me to say what it is right for you to do.” Allison sat silent. ”

“ But for Allison herself, was the possession of so much money desirable? Would she be a happier woman because she lived in a fine house, and had fine folk about her? And would these fine folk ever fully accept her as one of themselves, and give her what was her due,—not as a rich woman, but as a good woman,—one possessing rare qualities of heart and mind, one in herself worthy of high regard and honour? All this was, in Mr Hume’s opinion, more than doubtful. ”

“ Oh! if she and Willie could die together, or get away anywhere and be forgotten. If they could only pass out of all men’s minds, as though they had never been! But all such thoughts are foolish, she tells herself. Nothing in their lives can be changed, nor mended, nor forgotten.
And having got thus far, it all begins again, and she lives over the happy days when, bairns together, they played among the heather, or followed the sheep on the hills; when their father was like God to them, ay loving them, and being kind to them; but not ay seeming just so mindful of them as their mother was. ”

“ But it was not the wind which silenced his song, for Allison Bain was no “haughty hizzie” of the sort, “Who frown to lead a lover on,” but a sad and solitary woman, who might have a sorrowful life before her.
“To whom may the Lord be kind!” said John, with a softened heart. “I love her, and it is no sin to love her, since I may never see her face again.” ”

“ Strangely enough, Allison fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow. The dawn found her up, and ready for the long walk to the point where she was to take the mail-coach to Aberdeen. It cannot be said that she had no misgivings, no faintness of heart, as she turned on the hilltop, and looked back on the house which had been first her refuge, and then her home for so long. For even when she was faraway from Nethermuir, and from Scotland, it was to the manse her thoughts turned as home. ”

“ When they came out into the kirkyard, where, one by one, at first, and afterward by twos and threes, the folk who had known her all her life came up to greet her, there were neither tears nor smiles on her face, but a look at once gentle, and firm, and grave—the look of a strong, patient, self-respecting woman, who had passed through the darkness of suffering and sorrow into the light at last. ”

“ Mrs Beaton had never all her life been a strong woman, and had never needed to think and act for herself in trying circumstances. She had not the skill to plan nor the strength to execute, and it was too late to begin now. But she could endure, and she did so, with long patience; and though her face grew thin and white, she gave no sign of anger, or discontent, or of breaking down under her troubles, as all her little world had believed she would surely do. ”

“ Without being aware of it, she was beginning to regard this strong and silent young woman not as a mere maid-servant in the manse, who came and went, and worked for wages like the rest, but as one who, for reasons not to be revealed, had chosen, or had been forced by an untoward fate, to begin a new life in a sphere in which she had not been born. But much as she desired to know more about her, she waited for Allison herself to speak. ”

“ That a woman might begin by hating a man, and yet come to love him when he was her husband, he believed to be possible. At the least Allison might come to tolerate her husband if she did not love him. She might come, in time, to take the good of her fine house and of the fine things, of which there was like to be no stint in it, and live her life like the rest, when her first anger at his treacherous dealing was over. For her own sake, for the sake of her good name, and the respect he owed to the memory of her father, Mr Rainy left no means untried, that might avail to discover her. ”

“ Mr Rainy had never come much into contact with Allison Bain. She was to him “just a woman, like the lave.” He had no wife, and no near kin among women, and it is possible that he knew less of the sex than he thought he did. He did not pretend to know much about Allison, but he knew that several people, whose sense and judgment he respected, thought well of her. She was tall and strong, and had a face at which it was a pleasure to look, and, judging from all that he had heard about her, she might be freer than most, from the little vanities and weaknesses usual to her kind. ”

“ Will you let him make you a servant in another woman’s house—a wanderer on the face of the earth?”
“He cannot spoil my life if I can only get safe away.”
“And do you not hate and loathe him for his sin against you?”
“I do not hate him. I would loathe to live with him. I think—that I pity him. He has spoiled his own life, though he cannot spoil mine—if I only get safe away. It was my fault as well as his. I should have trusted in God to help Willie and me. Then I would have been strong to resist him.”
John bent toward her and took her hand.
“Will you use your strength against me, Allison?” ”

“ A man may forsake the sins of his youth and learn to hate the things which he loved before, and to love the things which he hated, and in his heart long, and in his life strive, to follow the Perfect Example in all things. But the temper which has been indulged for half a lifetime cannot be easily and always overcome, and habits which have grown through the years cannot be cast aside and put out of sight in a moment, like an ill-fitting garment which will never trouble more. Life was, in a way, a struggle to Saunners still. ”

“ For surely I am blind. I canna see my way through it all. But if I am to be led by the hand like a little child, and upheld by One who is strong, and who cares for me, who ‘has loved me,’ shall I be afraid?”
And if her voice trembled now and then as she read, so that at last Brownrig turned uneasily to get a glimpse of her face, he saw no shadow of doubt of fear upon it, nor even the quiet to which he had become accustomed, but a look of rest and peace which it was not given to him to understand. Allison took her work and sat as usual by the window. ”

“ Many changes passed over the face of Brownrig as the minister went on, but he never removed his eyes from the face of Allison, nor loosened his firm clasp of her hand.
Faithful! Yes, but yet tender. How full of pity and of entreaty was the old man’s voice when he spoke of One who, hating sin, yet loves the sinner; One who is slow to anger, full of compassion and of great mercy, not willing that any should perish, but that all, even the worst, should come unto Him and live. ”

“ But Willie had told his sister of his friend’s success in other directions, and he gave the Americans credit for “kenning a good man when they saw him.”
“For,” said Willie, “it is not just an imagination, or a way of speaking, to say, that in this land ‘all men are free and equal.’ Of course, there are all kinds of men—rich and poor, good, bad, and indifferent—here as in other lands. All are not equal in that sense, and all are not equally successful. But every man has a chance here, whether he works with his head or his hands. ”

“ Mrs Esselmont kept her best argument till the last. It was not one which had been suggested to her by Mr Rainy.
“Allison, I can understand why you may shrink from the responsibility which the acceptance of your husband’s will would bring upon you. But in a way, the responsibility would remain, even were you to refuse. You do not know into whose hands this money may fall. Think of the evil influence which a bad rich man might exert through all the countryside. What is known of this stranger who is putting in his claim as next of kin?” ”

“ But Brownrig showed no sign of knowing that Allison had been in the town, and in a few days he turned his face homeward again.
Then John had time to attend to his own affairs, and it went ill with him for a while. He faced his trouble like a man, and “had it out with himself,” as he might have “had it out” with friend or foe, with whom a battle was to be fought for the sake of assured peace to come after.
Yes, he loved Allison Bain—loved her so well that he had been willing to sacrifice a hopeful future at home, and begin a life of labour in a strange land, so that she might share it with him. ”

“ But all the thoughts which were passing through John Beaton’s mind would not have made a pleasant hearing for his mother. A sudden, strong temptation assailed him, at which he hardly dared to look, and he strove to put it from him.
“As to Crombie,” said he, “he is an old man, and growing forgetful. It may all pass out of his mind again. That would be best.”
“Yes,” said Allison, “that would be best.”
They walked down to the gate together.
“And you will forgive me, Allison, and—trust me?”
“I will ay trust you. And it is you who need to forgive me,” said she, holding out her hand. ”

“ Meanwhile Allison was repeating to herself Crombie’s words:
“Life and death! It is the matter of a soul’s salvation! It is not between you and that bad man any more. It is between you and the Lord himself, who is ever merciful, and ready to forgive. Forgive and it shall be forgiven unto you—”
Over and over again, the words repeated themselves to her as she sat in silence, till Mrs Beaton said gently:
“Allison, you have been greatly moved and startled by that which you have heard. You are in no state to decide anything now. ”

“ This is the way it will ay be, all my life long. I must just sit still and hear the sound of things, and never be in the midst of them like other folk. All my life, mother! Think of it!”
“My dear,” said her mother gravely, “all your life may not be a very long time.”
“But, mother, I would like it to be long. There is Robin going to be a great scholar and astonish the whole world; and Jack is going in search of adventures; and Davie’s going to America to have a farm of a thousand acres, all his own. ”

“ But there was no comfort in that for Robin. “It is like betraying him, mother,” said he. And when it was one night made known in the house that his father was going to Aberdeen, and that his chief reason for going was to see how it was with John Beaton, Robin’s eyes sought those of his mother in doubtful appeal. His mother only smiled. “Cannot you trust your father, Robin?” said she. “I canna trust myself, it seems,” said Robin. “There’s no harm done yet, my lad. You need not fear that ill will come from speaking your secret thoughts to your mother.”
“But other folk’s secret thoughts?” ”

“ But ‘all that a man hath will he give for his life,’ the Book says, And I will do my best to live.”
The doctor said nothing.
“It is not that I’m feared to die. If all is true that Doctor Kirke has been saying to me, why should I fear? ‘More willing to forgive, than ye are to be forgiven,’ says he. And I can believe it. I do believe it. If Allison Bain can forgive, surely He will not refuse, who is ‘merciful and full of compassion’. And I hope—I believe—that I am forgiven.”
Looking up, Doctor Fleming saw the tears on the sick man’s cheek. ”

“ And to think of the life which lay before this woman, with this weak fool to share it—a woman among ten thousand!
“She will need strength for two, and her love will give it to her,” thought John, a dull pain at his heart with which some self-contempt was mingled. But it was no time to consider himself with Allison’s eyes on his face.
“I could trust him to you,” said Allison, trying to smile, “because ye have a kind heart, though folk say ye’re a wee hard whiles. But I ken what you have been to the lads at the manse to win them, and to warn them, and to keep them out of mischief. ”