Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Every one present knoes the disgraceful condishun of the New York Demmycrazey. Its platform is rotten in every plank. Its leeder Mr. Gilley is the dubble-extract of rottinness, and the hull rank and file of the party is in a fit state to be condemned by the fresh meet inspector. How is the Republican party? Its swete and pure as a new-born baby. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Wile we was etin them, I axt Maria who the Georgie was who tuk her out. “Oh,” sez she, “he's a red hedded devil, wot wurks in the Buster offis, and aint a bit lik you. Ma likes him, and thinks he's orful steddy, and she aint frade to let me go eny place with him. He's mashed on me bad, and thinks I'm in luv with him, so he spends all his munney on me, and I jest go with him, cos he takes me to ennything wot cums along. It's fun ter see him, he's so green, and besides, he never fixes up eny, and I'm gettin most ashamed to be seen on the strete with him.” ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ All on a suddint a gal comes dancin out on tip-toes and movin her hands round like she was playin' skippin'-the-rope. Her close is purty, ony they're a good deal more shrunken than wot the other gals had on, and her lower xtremer-ties look like she was smugglin' cotton from New Orleans. Gussy then gets mashed on her rite away, and she don't 'pare to mind it a bit, cos she sot rite down on his knee, and they begun a-talkin' awful soft. Purty soon she jumped 'bout six feet, wen Gussy shoved a pin inter her stockins. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ I peeped in the windys of sevral banks on my way home, and most all of the clurks has a scart and hunted look in there eyes, but I guess there safe, cos the one who knoes, don't kno quite as much as they think he does. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Rickatrd, Well, if I can't be a jurnulist and make a fortune, I' kno wot I can be, I'll go to the offis in the mornin', and if there's eny music in the air, I'll resine and berry my hopes. Then I'll leese Dennis Ryan's old blind muel, wot's too week to kik, and go to peddlin' fish. The Buster will bust 'fore they make enything outer this chickin; ain't that so, Mister Diry? ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ The Germans is jubilyant, cos they all helped to rebuke a insult I guess they wuldn't feel so orful proud of theirselves if they'd hurd John Kelley and Mr. Gilley talkin bout 'em, jest fore eleckshun, wen they was considered doutful, and Mr. Gilley sed ——— the Duch. Pollytishuns is purty persnickerty, eny-way. I bleive wen I get ter be a big man I'll start out as a misshunary and devote my 'nurgies to savin the souls of pollytickel office-seekers and candydates; taint no use tryin to save there bodies, cos the devil's got a lien on them alreddy. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ I seen they was disgracin us, New Yorkers, so I thot it was time to put a stop to it, and bring em down to bisness, so I sung out orful loud: “Gintelmin: Thurs a big fire in the Uniyun Depot in Sheecargo.” Then they all looked up to see who was talkin, and reckernized me, as connected with the Buster. You'd dide, to see em flyin round; the fellers wot do the bullin was purty neer crazey, coverin up there stocks, with margin's. Stocks come flyin down, like litenin, and the barish porshun of the compenney, was makin a immense pile of munney. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ The 'xcitement's beginnin' to ware off now, but you bet the Buster's got a big lot of free advertising and Mr. Giliey warn't a bit mad, wen I 'xplained how it all happened, cos the Wall strete beers is goin' to s'port him for Guv'ner, cos the Buster's made 'em all wrich. Jimmie's allrite agin; he was only stunned, and he got out of bed in time to get down to the telegraf offis. I feel orful proud of my chum now. I never know'd how much he was valewd before. You see now, Mr. Diry, wot a boy makes of hisself when he 'sociates with a risin' yung jurnerlist, like yours trooly, Georgie. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ The principal charackters is Henryettur, a assthetick young ladie, dorter of a Fillydelphy lawyer, and Augustus Angerlinus Fizzlesprung, a dude, wot wares a eye glass and carries a gold plaited kane, wot he chews sted of terfaackky, cos his nerves is week. Henryettur is orful sick 'bout Gussy, and wuld giv her lock of Horsecar Wild's hare, wot she carrys in her bussum, if Gussy would ony tumbel and marry her. But Gussy wouldn't tumbel if the hull of Broadway'd fall on him, cos he's mashed on a lot of dudines wot do the balleyin act in the academme. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Then she fleeced a he ram, and of the wool thereof she formed a big bussel, and Adam got mashed on her fine does, and she turned up her knoes at the washerwomans darter wot didnt have on nothin but a palm leef jursey, wot fit her too soon.' “You ladies are all alike, and you get your line of dress, from a purty long and direct line of ancestry. I dont think a fine dress is a sinful appendage to eny lady, in fact I like to see a ladie drest well, but to be drest well, a lady ort not to practise deceit, or act a lie, for there is such a thing as actin a lie. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Gilley arst me if I know'd the boy wot brung the note. I told him he was my chum, and I'd rote the despach for fun. Then he shook hands with me, and sed I was smarter 'an chane litenin', and I'd get to be Preserdent sum day, cos I beet all the pollytishuns he ever know'd at wirepulling. Then he thanked me, and give me a cuppel of segars, one for Jimmy and one for me, to call it square. We're goin' to save 'em til to-morrer after dinner, cos it tain't offen boys, like us, get a chanse to smoke $15,000 dollar segars, and these muster cost that, cos the evenin' papers says Mr. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ If a candydate of the oppersishun treats a fellow to a glass of beer, you wanter say: The barrel's ben tapped, and fabulous sums are bein expended to inflooence voters, and never forget to hed the artickel Fraud, Corrupshun, and Forgerry. “'If a six-pound baby comes to one of your subskribers, you warnter size the farther up, and if he's good for twenty-five segars the babys got ter be twelve pounds. If he's good for fifty make it eighteen pounds, and if he sends round a hole box, with the notis, the baby's got to turn into twins. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Jay Gould is the name of a littel bit of a feller, he aint much in size, but he's hale columby wen it comes rite down to spit ball fites, cos he pasted old Russel Sage and Vandybilt outer ther boots, hittin fare in the eyes every time. Wen they was gettin purty well tired out, a lot of fellers wot was “hit,” cum out, and the other formed rings round them and sung a song wot sounded like it was maid up of five 8s and three 1/4 s. I shuld think theyd be ashamed of theirselves, grate big men, spendin there time playin a game wot Boys, as big as me, wuldn't do for a nickel. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ You bet I was mad, wen I fownd out there warnt no cherry or mince pie, not even dryed appel, but only a lot of type wot had got mixed up. I think its reel mene to make a littel boy like me think hes goin to get a big feed, and then not give him enything but a lot of led wot nobodie else wuld try to ete. You orter see our imposin stone; it must be orful valewble. Its a grate flat peece of marbel, tattooed, all over, with funny hyroglifficks. I guess its one of the old toombstones wot come from anshunt Troy. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ They all go on the princerpel “that all editturs is liars, and all big liars is editturs,” and take the same deduckshun, wot is alwus this: “A bill persented by a liar must be a lie, on its face “; therefore, it is unallowable. The reeson I've ben thus sollykisin, Mr. Diry, is, cos the expenses of the campane hav ben purty hevvy on Mr. Gilley, and yet havin had a chanse to dip his fingers inter the State Tressurey, he was run-nin a littel short of funds. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Then, agen, you mite have ben on some infantile prospecktive Preserdent, but you didn't stay on him long, cos baby's and safety-pins maid you tired. Enyway you've got a histery, cos them littel black spots on your rite bussum looks like they mite wunce hav ben part of Mrs. Dr. Walker's patent backackshun, maskuline, dress-reform trowsers, wot she sent to the paper-mill to get ground up inter paper to mak books for the enlitenin of the wimmin of our country. How's that for high, Mr. Diry? My muse come playguey neer running away with me, so I had to wistle “down brakes,” and slow her up. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Gilley wos weerin pettycotes wen the war brok out, his pa and ma orter kep on lettin him be a gal, and then, p'raps, his hare wuldn't all fell out. The peeple didnt pare to xhibit much inthusyism over the fellers remarks, cos he haled from out in Oio, and citizens out in such far away and semiuncivylized states, aint sposed to kno as much as us New Yorkers enyway. A nuther feller got up and sed: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the eve of a grate eleckshun. Tomorrer us free men'll go up to the poles and deposit our ballots inter the box, and thus signify our choice of rulers. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ She got ashamed of the baby, & abandoned it at the dores of the wimmin of Oio, leavin it to them, to bring up on the bottel. This was not all, gentlemen, the hartless mother got jellus, & tride to steel littel Wiskey. But the grate buxom, german frawleen, wot he had for nuss, couldnt see it a tall. Too much bottel. Too much W. C. T. U. soothin sirrup, & too many wimmin, killed the poor littel cast off, Seccund Amendment Propersishun, and the remanes was berried last Tuesday. Littel Wiskey is growin to be a big & lazy boy, mother & father doin well. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Wen we got to the depot, Vanderbuilt had had one of his spells, and had been sendin the publick to Haydies, so he wuldn't let the trane wate ten minnits for a guvmentel candy date. Mr. Gilley was in an orful way bout gettin left, cos he had to be at Troy to-nite, and there warnt no other trane wot would get us there, so he pade a feerful big pile of munney for a speshell. President Arthur, and a lot of other Republercan dudes was goin to start for Bufflo on a fishin xcurshun at 1 o'clock, so our train got under way rite off, and every other trane on the rode was sidetracked to let us get past. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Diry, can you wunder at my feelin sum wot tired after such a xperiense, and a tedjus ride down from Troy? Prap's you may consider me a liar. If you do, you are mistakin, cos every wurd I have rittin in you to nite is the solium truth, without “any prevaricashun, eggsagerashun, or magnifycashun, and besides that, every-bodie wot knoes me, sinse I packed away my petty cotes, will tell you, I'm a littel Georgie Washinton. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ The furst scene of Act III. is in Henryettur's privat boodywar. She walks round, holdin a big sunflower in her hand, and calls it to witness that if her dare Gussy don't make up his mind purty soon to marry her, the tender thred wot holds her to this mundain spere will soon cum to a too utterly utter, suddint round turn. Then she whispers sumthin to herself, and jumps bout a foot, and xclaims, in a anty-assthetik voice: 'I will do it! ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Fellers like him orter be put on ice, cos there too fresh to keep long. He only needs a tale to be a thorobred dude, cos he's got everything else wat blongs to one. On my way home, at noon, I stopped to see a feller wot was sellin prize packits, at the corner of Nassau street, so I didn't get time to ete much dinner. I was gettin orful hungry bout 4 'clock, wen the edittur arst me if I thot I culd clere up the pie wot was on the imposin ston. I didn't warnt to let him see I was so orful hungery, so I told him I didn't kno. “Well,” sed he, “there's nothin like tryin ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ Tell the edittur my hole family culdn't get along without it; even the baby lays awake all nite cry in' for it.” And then he handed me a $10 bill and didn't wate for no change, for he ony had a cuppel uv minnits to each a trane in. Mr. Gilley was listenin' to the hull conversashun, an', wen the coast was cleer, he come out from his hidin' place and patted me on the back and sez: “Georgie, you're a brick; you're goin' to be a onher to your perfeshun. Sum day you'll be a Pulsitter, cos you've got the gall of a Sun reporter.” ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ This mornin our offis was onhered by a visit from a typergraffical torewrist, wot in-terduced hisself as John McNamee. He sed he'd just returned from a xtensive visit in the Western States, ware he'd been for sum time, for the benefit of his health. He is one of the most distinguished members of the perlitikel partis, called Anti-Monopolists. I admire a man wot praktices wot he preaches. Now, this Mr. McNamee has never been known to contribute a cent to surportin our grate ralerode mo-noperlists, altho he has travilled all over the United States by rale. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ I guess I must giv them the perfume out of the assyfitity bottel, cos, soon as she rubbed her face you never smelt such a overpourin smell in all your life, we had to keep em at arms length, all the way hum, and if we'd ben the Zar of Russher, and Queen Victoria, combined, the peeple wouldnt hav givin us more room on the side walk. I felt sorry for them, cos they cryed, and felt so bad, all the way home, and, if I coulder got close enuf to Maria, without bein smuthered I'd kissed and made it all up. Its a blessin that her ma and pa's got catarrh orful bad, or there mite be war in her house. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ I wunder if everybodie, wot them printers dam, goes to Hades, cos, if they do, and all printin' offisses is like ourn, I guess us fellers wont have much compenny in Heaven wen we get there. They all ap-pare to have a pertickler spite 'gainst a Mister Copy, cos I hearn him bein' dammed, more an a hundred times to-day. I guess the poor feller ain't got no sho a tall. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ The fust lady wot cum in had dropt a plume outer her hat. She giv me a full descripshun of it, wot it cost, and said she knowed it was hers wot I'd found; and then I showed her the artickel and axt her if that was it. She blushed up orful red, and sailed outer the offis like I'd insulted her. Yesterday muster ben a orful bad day for wimmin loosin things in the Post Offis, cos there's bout two hundred ben to the offis. Sum lost there teeth, uthers there bangs, clokes, slippers, overshoes, gloves, skurts, hankercheefs, bussels, and most everything wot a woman could pile on her ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ I know'd very well I couldn't make no mistake there, cos I'm posted on ship's kichens, so I arst him how big a one he wanted. He sed medeyum, so I went up to Johnny Roache's ship-yard and had them send a galley down to the offis, wot would be big enuf for a good sized skooner. You orter seen the casheer's face, wen the six-horse teem stopped in frunt of the dore. The driver was goin to leeve the galley enyway, but the Casheer pade him to hawl it back, and rote Mr. Roache that there boy was laberin under a slite abberashun of the mind wen he ordered it. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ I never seen enything do better in my life. With the excepshun of the few votes wot the Republercans had fore I got my wurk in, mine captured the hull cities of New York and Brooklyn, and the beer and wisky wots ben sent to rural districks, will giv us the hull State by a big majority. Wen I get big, Mr. Diry, I guess I'll hire myself out for a perfesshunal pollytickal wire-puller. ”
Metta Victoria Fuller Victor,
The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor
“ All the peepel wot was present and seen the platform give way are feelin blu and superstishus, cos there frade the Devil's in leegue with the Demmercrazey, and I guess there bout rite; aint they, Mr. Diry? CHAPTER XXII. ELECKSHUN DAY.—THE DUDES PEDDLIN DEMMERCRATICK TICKETS.— THE METHYDISTS GO BACK ON THE G. O. P.—THE DEVIL AS A PERLITICKEL WIRE-PULLER. Mr. Diry, at this ritin, I guess you're safe in hangin out the hemale chickin, cos all the reports from this city are givin Mr. Gil-ley a 'normous vote, and you bet this devil is feelin proud, cos didnt he nommernate the Guvner? ”
