“ Very much, thank you, auntie.
Auntie. And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?
Effie. Oh no! Mamma and I don't belong to the same set!
[Pg 11]
NICE NEPHEW!
Tommy. "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between an apple and a elephant?"
Uncle (benignly) . "No, my lad, I don't."
Tommy. "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't you?"
A Precautionary Measure.—"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind you don't use any rude words!"
"Rude words! Tell me a few, mummy, and then I shall know, you know!" ”

“ Severe Mother. "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?" Injured Son. "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." Mother. "What do you mean?" Son. "Why, when I told you that father had come home quite drunk the night before!"
[Pg 30]
"IN STRANGE ATTIRE"
"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his bananas!"
[Pg 31]
PROOF
"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy." ”

“ The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem children are better mannered, even if the enfant terrible is still thriving and [Pg 6] likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children—the mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! ”

“ Oh, they're much too busy to talk at present.... Well, if you would take this cup of tea to my little girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so——Yes, in the white frock.... Pray don't apologise—some tea upsets so easily, doesn't it?... Oh! I don't suppose it will show, really, and if it does.... Please, will everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you. Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was so ill after Christmas. ”

“ Our Christmas Tea.—Unregenerate Youth. "Pass the seedy caike!" Vicar's Daughter. "If——? If——?" Unregenerate Youth. "If 'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"
[Pg 16]
THE PROBLEM.
Samuel. "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it likes or must it?"
[Pg 17]
A Grand-Daughter of Eve.—Mamma (to Molly, who has scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her behaviour) . "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked thoughts into your head?" Molly. "Ah, yes, the scratching! But to bite Félicie was quite my own idea!" ”

“ Grandmamma. "And how did it happen, dear?"
Master Tom. "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"
Master Tommy's Receipts.— (To cure a smoky chimney.) Get out on to the roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
[Pg 67]
And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to have, with plenty of skating and sliding. ”

“ What a good little boy to leave your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.
Master Douglas. Oh, mother always makes us do nasty things and things we don't like.
Master Tommy's Receipts.— (The Fair Weather Barometer.) This is a pleasing and simple experiment. ”

“ The poor boy has not had a decent night's rest ever since!
[Pg 70]
Young, but Practical.—"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine o'clock! What will papa say when he comes home?"
"Oh, papa! He'll say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"
A Realist in Fiction.—"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!" ”

“ Dorothy (who has found a broken nest-egg) . "Oh, mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more eggs. She's broken the pattern!"
[Pg 157]
WASTED SYMPATHY
Kind-hearted Lady. "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you have! Is it a tooth?"
Poor Child (with difficulty) . "No 'm—it's a sweet!"
[Pg 158]
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know it himself yet!"
[Pg 159]
Softly. ”

“ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear we'll break them.
Poetry for Schoolboys.—Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line—
"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."
[Pg 19]
Logical.—Little Bobby (whose mamma is very particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands) . "Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." Mamma. "My dear Bobby, you generally are." Little Bobby. "Oh, I mean really black. ”

“ Mrs. Horn. Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here this minute. (Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers collect their offspring in dismay) . Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me it's you! It—it can't be that, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been nowhere where he could possibly——You naughty boy, you know you are only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again.
Tommy (injured) . But, mummy, really I wasn't ”

“ I reckon the chap as keeps this shop ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells ''all' with a haitch!"
[Pg 78]
"GETTING ON."
"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"
"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want to do it without the wall at all!"
[Pg 79]
Laying down the Law.—Lady (entertaining friend's little girl) . "Do you take sugar, darling?" The Darling. "Yes, please." Lady. "How many lumps?" The Darling. "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with cake."
[Pg 80]
Tommy. ”

“ True Distinction.— Mamma (improving the occasion) . "I like your new suit immensely, Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the gentleman!" Gerald. "No, mamma! I know it's the hat!"
[Pg 116]
Little Montague. "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!" Father. ”

“ Punch with the Children" comes last, yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The Punch pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young folk are almost inexhaustible. ”

“ You're a very nice fellow, Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?
Tommy. Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!
LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION
Kind-hearted Old Gent. "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and where do you live!"
Chorus. "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."
[Pg 88]
"Sancta Simplicitas."—"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have smiled so often at me in church?"
"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
"Behind me."
[Pg 89]
Philanthropic Old Lady (to little boy caressing dog) . "That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals." Little Boy. "Yes, 'm. ”

“ Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;
Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,
Johnnie could never do anything right.
Genius often is known to fail;
Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.
Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,
Plodded away and became M.P.
[Pg 43]
"Conservation of Tissue."—Uncle. "Well, Tommy, you see I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?" Miss. "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five tarts, and——" Uncle. "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" Tommy. "No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."
[Pg 44]
Benevolent Old Gentleman. ”

“ I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" Interested Little Boy. "Oh, and which did you shoot first—the lion, or the tiger, or the d'lemma?"
[Pg 142]
Uncle (about to start for a concert at Marine Pavilion) . "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without your shoes and stockings?" Nora. "I'm in evening dress, uncle—only it's the other end."
[Pg 143]
The Tertium Quid.—"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you." ”

“ He plays the violin like an angel."
Tommy. "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"
[Pg 162]
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Mamma. "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"
'Lina. "I forget."
Mamma. "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"
'Lina (after a thoughtful pause) . "Madam!"
[Pg 163]
SHEER IGNORANCE
Benevolent Person. "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"
Boy. "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"
[Pg 164]
"I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus 'll fill 'em with presents!" ”

“ Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind you put plenty of rum into the baba—Dolly and Molly like it, you know—and so do I!" Monsieur Cordonbleu (retained for the occasion) . "Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to dine viz de compagnie?" Tommy. "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"
[Pg 54]
At the Zoo.—Little Girl (after seeing many queer beasts) . "But there aren't really such animals, nurse, are there?"
[Pg 55]
At the Christmas Party.—Uncle George. ”

“ Johnny. "Yes." Auntie. "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?" Johnny. "Because their mothers won't let them!"
[Pg 130]
TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK
Gwendoline. "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession, and I think he's quite right!" ”

“ You must go into the back garden." Tommy. "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"
[Pg 172]
A PROTEST
"And pray, am I never to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"
[Pg 173]
A NEW TEST
Aunt (in alarm) . "Surely you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?" Tommy (in doubt) . "F-f-f-feel me!"
[Pg 174]
Sunday Schooling.—Teacher. What does one mean by "Heaping coals of fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?
Harry Hawkins. Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!
Auntie. Do you love the chickens, dear?
Dolly. Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny laugh! ”

“ Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"
[Pg 58]
At a Christmas Juvenile Party.—Aunt Florence. "I will find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any choice?" Miss Ethel. "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a moustache!"
[Pg 59]
A Cry from the Heart.—Little Dunce (looking up suddenly from her history book) . "Oh, mummy, darling, I do so wish I'd lived under James the Second!" Mamma. "Why?" Little Dunce. "Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his reign!"
[Pg 60]
A Big Pill.—"What is it, my pet?" ”