Owen Wister

“ We sat round an imposing table some twenty strong—for all the profound scholars were now arrived—and in front of each scholar, on the ample green baize table-cover, was a great dictionary, with a great glass inkstand and writing materials. Tall blackboards stood behind us, waiting to receive the words we should reform; but the best of it was to find myself sitting next Miss Appleby, with Willows quite an agreeable distance away. Kibosh had arranged all our seats, and it is the best thing I know of him. ”

“ While Kibosh made us known to each other, and we exchanged our formal greetings, the eye of each scholar sought the eye of every other scholar with that thirsty look an author wears, when the hope for compliments upon his writings flutters in his breast. But we were true professors, all of us, and not one had read a word that any of the others had ever written.
Deceit should always be discouraged, nay, firmly punished, in the young; for by reason of their immaturity they have but little judgment [Pg 50] when to practise it; but to the old it is frequently of the greatest service. ”

“ Totts now began to show signs of jumping up and down.
"Have we adopted phonetic spelling, or have we not?" he roared.
"Not yore kind," said Willows.
"Yore!" echoed Totts. "Listen to that dialect!" And he blew his noise more loudly.
"Hup, hup," began Egghorn; but his voice stuck as usual.
[Pg 92]
"You should get a chauffeur," said Cottsill, severely, to him.
"Hup, hup. Compromise," finished Egghorn.
"Ah, yes, gentlemen, there we have it!" said Kibosh, earnestly. "Compromise is progress. Let us all accept one another. Thus the cause will profit." ”

“ And now, at the age of seventy-five, with uncounted millions, and ten United States Senators, and a fourth young wife all in his pocket, he proposed to hand his name to Immortality by simplifying the spelling of English all over the earth. ”

“ It is then only the man of genius [Pg 39] whose magic hand can smite the rock in some novel way, and cause Publicity again to gush forth fresh and sparkling—it is then only he who is heard from. There has been such a time of late. Publicity was tied up, and Masticator needed some for his—for certain plans he has to benefit the human race. Now, what does Masticator do? He surveys the general situation, he thinks it over, and presently he says 'Spelling Reform.' He smites the rock, and there you have it. ”

“ I suppose that indignation at his unwarrantable treatment of me in the car rendered me imprudent. "My dear Miss Appleby," I said to her, "my dear Gertrude, he is as beautiful [Pg 89] as the day, as ignorant as a Socialist, and as dishonest as a plumber."
"How dare you speak of my husband so?" she replied. "We were married this morning. That's all we came for to your silly convention. Good-by." And rising, she swept out of the room.
But her exit was unobserved. The great West was still rattling on its blackboards, Maverick and Cottsill were scowling darkly at Totts. ”

“ Dough can't be doe, do, dow, but doa.
Well, if they purposed to reform our spelling, which has always been a mere rag-bag of lawlessness, I hoped that they would do it right; but I was too deeply immersed in completing the index of my forthcoming volume to spend thought upon this question ”

“ I sought (without great eagerness) the companionship of Kibosh. "Do you not fear," I asked him, "that we may not find ourselves able to reach an agreement as to the system by which this respelling should proceed?"
"What would hinder it?" he inquired.
[Pg 35]
"Of course, our present spelling is but a rag-bag of lawlessness," I replied, for I was growing fond of my description of it. "But great authors and newspapers have spread it round the globe. The sun never sets on English spelling. We must join the great English universities with us. We must join Canada, India, Australia. ”

“ For chewing, at some time or other, is necessary to digestion, and among the thousands at Chickle University I saw not one anywhere, boy or girl, whose mouth was not going like a slow rabbit's; and to judge from the universal oscillatory motion of the jaws of the American people in trains and all public places, I see they are learning that great economic principle of Masticator's, which is announced everywhere in the street cars:—
TIME IS MONEY
He who chickles
Saves his nickles—
nickles being the simple spelling of nickels. ”

“ I should have been glad to learn the names of all my colleagues, and what they had written, that I might be the better prepared to meet them; but Kibosh could be sure only of Totts and his book; and Professor Willows and Miss Appleby had not heard even of Totts, when I asked them at lunch to enlighten me.
"What mattuh, suh?" cried Willows, cheerily. "They'll tell you [Pg 44] quick enough themselves why they're so famous." ”

“ We all welcome the man who has said the last word on—the last word on—on—well, now, really, it escapes me, Professor," he finished, turning his wide, gentle smile upon the newcomer, who glared at him angrily, and announced with unnecessary loudness:—
"Nostalgia in the Lobster."
"Thank you, Professor," said Kibosh; "thank you kindly. I think lunch is now awaiting us in the House of Bread."
After brief preparation in the rooms assigned to us, we lunched with the students; and, as I passed down the hall, I saw Totts and Egghorn [Pg 55] signing their respective volumes for Miss Appleby. ”

“ We like that better. Masticator B. Fellows likes that better. When his genius bought up the small plants——"
"Is there a chewing-gum trust, too?" asked Miss Appleby.
"Chickle, Miss Appleby, chickle, if you please. When Masticator's genius organized this noble industry, thereby placing a superior, pure, cheap, and uniform article within [Pg 18] the reach of eighty million jaws——"
"But the whole nation does not chew gum!" the lovely girl again, with some spirit, interrupted.
"Chickle, Miss Appleby, if you please. Fifty per cent of our population chickles, and that makes eighty million jaws. ”

“ Already Masticator was addressing us, slowly and softly.
"Dear friends," he said, "be welcome. I am worth two hundred and forty-five millions. Thank God that you are not. Thank God that you are poor. Thank God for your scanty meals and clothing, and your ceaseless failure to make both ends meet. Pray God you may die poor. How I envy you all your blessed privilege of struggle! Thank God, and now to business.
"Everything is getting better. Man is getting better. Woman is getting better. Life, Liberty, Happiness—all getting better. And [Pg 61] chickle. ”

“ What's that?" said Totts.
"It is whah they'd have you, suh, if they caught you teachin' any o' those railroad accidents o' yore's to the young."
"Yes, indeed; yes, indeed!" cried Maverick and Cottsill, eagerly.
Totts loudly blew his nose. "It shall remain court-house in the dictionary of scholars," he remarked.
Willows ran his eye up and down Totts' list, and then up and down Totts. "Schooling," he softly returned, "has done powerful little for the Amurrican who sails to Yurrup [Pg 91] and puts surrup on his hot cakes."
"Yes, indeed; yes, indeed!" said Cottsill and Maverick again. ”

“ It is for them that the English language exists; and for them we must, therefore, smooth our spelling's cruel path. I expect results, dear friends." So saying, he was gone.
"Yes, there is a dollar-sign in his jaw," repeated Miss Appleby.
"Suggestions are now in order," said Kibosh, taking the chairman's seat.
Three profound scholars stood up. "The only way——" they began, with one voice.
[Pg 63]
"Professor Flawless Nathan Maverick has the floor," said Kibosh. "I presume the Professor will think no change in pecan nuts necessary." And the chairman smiled sociably at the scholar. ”

“ He had organized every industry along his path, from paper-selling, boot-blacking, and so upward to his organized lobby at Washington, through which he had caused a heavy tariff to be put upon every commodity necessary to the American people. ”

“ I kept various doubts to myself, and resolved that such must continue my policy if I were ever to have peace; but, no matter how I might agree to spell bicycle, I was secretly determined never to address my younger brother as Mycle. ”

“ No serious wounds were found; but also no scholar was found to be upon speaking terms with any other. By the generosity of Masticator each was sent home separately in a private car, on a special train, with plenty of chickle.
Masticator had created all the publicity that he desired. New students swarmed in armies to his University, and he presently issued a billion more shares of Chickle common. The press of the whole country rang with the enterprise.
[Pg 99]
SIMPLE SPELLERS WED
was one of the first headlines that greeted me upon my homeward journey. ”

“ Greenberry—fails to prove the—er—attraction that Masticator anticipates, any idle houses in this University plant can be readily turned into the Chickle plant, which adjoins it."
I asked him, would they not meet great difficulty in finding professors for two million students?
"Professors are our lightest expense," he replied. "We can always pick them up for next to nothing."
So saying, Kibosh led us to the [Pg 49] library; and here were some gentlemen assembled whose appearance clearly proclaimed them to be profound scholars, and who were to be of our spelling committee. ”

“ Munday, for instance, and Toozday. (I say Tewsday, myself, but I did not mention it to these profound American scholars.)
"My little daughter Zola B.," said Professor Maverick, "can always spell Wednesday."
"My nine children never can," said Totts.
"I withdraw the objection," said [Pg 75] Maverick; and so it was Wensday.
Skwirl, for squirrel, was next agreed upon, and lepard, and eegl. And as the blood of the scholars grew ever hotter and hotter, Constitooshun, Deklarayshun, and United Staits were adopted.
"But my Zola B.——" began Maverick.
"What are you-all goin' to call yore next?" ”

“ Julius Cæsuh he lambastes Gaul; and he talks Latin to 'em; he says 'honor,' [Pg 23] an' he goes home; an' the Gauls retain Cæsuh's idea, as all puffeck gennlemen should, but the nearest they kin git to the Latin is 'honneur.' An' then, whoop they come over to England, an' they lambaste the Anglo-Saxons, an' talk to 'em about 'honneur.' An' the Anglo-Saxons, bein' also puffeck gennlemen, they ketches on to the idea, but be-Jeroosalemmed if they kin say it straight, either; an' so it gits to be 'honour.' An' then comes our glorious Revolution ”