Pierce Egan

“ Here the tag-rag and bob-tail squad who do not care how the blunt comes or how it goes. Togs or no togs! but nevertheless, who must live at any price, and see a “bit of life,” let the world jog on how it will; yet who can drop a tear upon a sorrowful event—laugh heartily at fun—shake with cold—perspire with heat—and go to roost much sounder upon a dust-hill than many of the swells can snooze upon their feather dabs; likewise in comparing notes, feel happy in the presumption that there are hundreds worse off in society than themselves. ”

“ Tom. Ha! ha! very good Primefit; I say, Jerry—you see he’s down upon you.
Jerry. Yes, he’s up, he’s awake, he’s fly—Ha! ha!
Tom. Now Dicky, out with your rainbow.
Prime. Here are the patterns, gentlemen, the very last fashions, every one; you can choose for yourself; but this is the colour most in vogue—generally greens.
Jerry. Yes, I’m told you London tailors are particularly fond of greens—cabbage to wit. But I am not very particular; only let me have something of this cut. (Turning round and showing himself) .
Tom. Oh, no, hang that cut; the colour may fit; but the cut never will. ”

“ Exeunt Tom, Jerry, and Logic.
Smug. Why, they’ve hoisted sails, lads—well, success to them—oh the changes of life!
CHORUS.— (Omnes) .
Air.—“Here we go up, up, up.”
Some there are up, up, up,
And some there are down, down, down,
But whether above or below,
Let us always take care of the crown.
They that are out may grin,
While those that are in may fret,
Yet poverty ne’er was a sin,
And we’re sure they can’t hang us for debt. ”

“ The sunshine of prosperity was now so complete, that not a single bum-trap had crossed the threshold of Dickey’s door, in the way of private business, for many a long day past. In short, Mr. Primefit had realised the climax of his exertions—he had measured his way into a carriage. Dickey was principally distinguished for the cut of his coats. To Corinthian Tom he was peculiarly indebted, as a leader of the fashion. ”

“ Indeed,’ continued Tom, ‘there is an air of sporting about this place altogether; elegance, cleanliness, and style, being its prominent features. The company, I admit, is a mixture of persons of nearly all ranks in life; but, nevertheless, it is that sort of mixture which is pleasingly interesting; there is no intimacy or association about it. A man may be well known here; he may also in his turn know almost everybody that visits Tattersall’s; and yet be quite a stranger to their habits and connections with society. ”

“ Do not desert me, at peep o’ day, when drowsy Watchmen quit their posts, and coffee-shops vomit forth their snoozing customers—those out-casts of society—to whom a table is a luxury to rest their thoughtless heads upon, and whose:—
Dry desert of a leather pocket book does not contain
A solitary farthing!
Be also at my elbow, upon the strut in Hyde Park, on Sunday’s stare, when Sol’s bright rays over Fashion’s splendid scene gives such a brilliancy of appearance. ”

“ There is nothing like it in Paris. Pleasure holds her court at Vauxhall. In those gay regions, you are liable to jostle against the gods and goddesses—Bacchus you will find frequently at your elbow—Venus and the Graces passing and repassing, yet condescendingly smiling upon you—Momus surrounded by fun and laughter—Terpsichore attending upon your steps—and Apollo winding up the whole with the most pleasing harmony.” “No Lethe, then is necessary at Vauxhall, I suppose,” said Jerry, ironically, interrupting Tom. ”

“ It is the tip-top sporting feature in London.’ ‘It must have been the work of some time,’ said Jerry, ‘to have formed such a famous connection.’ ‘Yes,’ replied Tom; ‘you are quite right. It is not the work of a day. The name of Tattersall is not only high, but of long standing in the sporting world; and everything connected with this splendid establishment is conducted in the most gentlemanly manner. ”

“ This was the reason Tom assigned to Jerry for having it called the Sketch-Room. ‘Nine times out of ten,’ said Tom, ‘dull matter-of-fact calculation is not allied with genius.’ Money, to George Morland, was a colour that he did not paint with; and, therefore, respecting its value, he seemed to know nothing. Embarrassment and the Catchpoles first drew up the curtain and showed him the iron bars which stopped his thoughtless career. They also explained to him, in the most feeling manner, the uses of a strong lock. ”

“ Tat. For forty pounds, have you all done at forty? last time at forty—forty—going for forty! going—going—gone! Mr. Green, he’s yours.
Green. I’ve bought him!
Tat. You have indeed, Sir!
Green. Here’s your money, Sir—Mr. Green, from Tooley Street—you’ll find two twenties! and I’m wery much obliged to you for your serwility.
Cope. You don’t want a civil honest lad to lead him home for your honour, do you, Sir?
Green. No thank’ye, I’m not going to trust an hanimal like that with nobody but myself. Can nobody have the goodness to lend me a bit of rope, to get him along vith? ”

“ Enter TOM, JERRY, and LOGIC.
Tom. Ha! ha! ha! was there ever such a flat as that Mr. Green?—we can buy no prad to-day, Jerry; we must go when some gentlemen’s stud is selling; and while the dealers are running down the cattle, we can get a prime good one for a song. But now for Almack’s—the highest Life in London! and see what game Cupid has sprung up for us in that quarter. ”

“ Jerry. Well, and do you know, Tom, to tell you the truth, I haven’t been a whit better than yourself. But, I say, only see how confoundedly the dustman’s getting hold of Logic,—we’ll funk him. (Tom and Jerry smoke Logic) .
Log. Oh, hang your cigars, I don’t like it; let’s have no funking.
Tom. Well, come, come, rouse up; don’t be crusty, Bob—let’s start on some spree; no doubt we shall spring a lark somewhere. (Rattles heard) .
There’s one! go it, Jerry!—Come, Green.
Log. Aye, come, Jerry, there’s the Charlies’ fiddles going. ”

“ Even the connoisseur in paintings may find subjects at Vauxhall too rich to be passed over in haste. In short, there is such an endless variety of amusements, in rapid succession, from the song to the dance—from refreshment to the glass—from the cascade to the fireworks, that time positively flies in these Gardens. Reflection is not admitted; and the senses are all upon the alert. You may be as extravagant as you please, or you need not spend a single farthing, if economy is your object, and not be found fault with neither. ”

“ In Logic, I have lost a model of experience, a fund of talent, and a heart overflowing with the milk of human kindness. By the death of Tom, I shall heavily miss that urbanity, discernment and liberality, which highly distinguishes the polished, and thorough-bred gentleman. ”

“ I am quite satisfied in my mind, said Logic to Tom, it is the Lower Orders of society who really enjoy themselves. They eat with a good appetite, hunger being the sauce; they drink with zest, in being thirsty from their exertions, and not nice in their beverage, and, as to dress, it is not an object of serious consideration with them. Their minds are daily occupied with work, which they quit with the intention of enjoying themselves, and enjoyment is the result ”

“ Likewise to Jerry Hawthorn, Esq., I bequeath my four-eyes, my barnacles, my green-specs, but amongst opticians, denominated Spectacles. It is my sincere wish, that nothing green will be ever seen appertaining to them, except their colour; I also hope they will not, upon any occasion whatever magnify Trifles into difficulties: but enable the wearer to see his way through Life as clear as crystal! I press upon Jerry Hawthorn, Esq., his acceptance of my fogle, my wipe, my clout, my sneezer, politely termed a Silk Handkerchief. ”

“ You are now in London the bang-up spot of the world for fun, frolic, and out-and-out-ing. Here it shall be my care, Jerry, to introduce you to all sorts of life—from the flowers of society, the roses, pinks, and tulips, of one court, to the mechanical tag-rag and bobtail—vegetables—bunches of turnips—and strings of ing-ens, of another: for without a proper introduction, London, gay, bustling, various, as it is, would be no more than an immense wilderness.
Jerry. I suppose not. I’ll do as much for you another time.
Tom. We must make the best use of our time ”

“ It’s every thing now o’days—to be able to flash the screens—sport the rhino—show the needful—post the pony—nap the rent—stump the pewter—tip the brads—and down with the dust, is to be at once good, great, handsome, accomplished, and everything that’s desirable—money, money, is your universal God,—only get into Tip Street, Jerry. ”

“ And lastly, though not the least in the above Catalogue of Excellence,—every point of the Female Jockey is tip-top, her agility is captivating; and she mounts her prad like the most accomplished horseman in the world. Her movements defy expression; her nods to the females, as she rides over the Course, delightful! but her smiles to the applauding gentlemen, in answer to the winks, bows, and other marks of politeness towards her, as compliments for her daring exploits, are fascinating, elegant, and nothing else but winning. ”

“ You are right, Bob, it has not.—Well, we have been amused by Life in London, now let us endeavour to profit by it;—let our experience teach us to avoid its quicksands, and make the most of its sunshine;—and in that anticipation let us hope our kind friends will pardon Tom, Jerry, and Logic all their sprees and rambles. ”

“ Tom. You shall go into training for a swell at once.
Jerry. A swell! I’m at fault again.
Tom. A swell, my dear Jerry——
Log. (Speaks without) . Just arrived, eh, very well. I’ll go up!
Tom. But stay; here comes my friend Bob Logic; he shall tell you what a swell is—his head contains all the learning—I beg his pardon—all the larks extant; he is a complete walking map of the metropolis—a perfect pocket dictionary of all the flash cant, and slang patter, either of St. James’s or St. Giles’s; only twig him. Welcome, my dear Bob; ten thousand welcomes. ”

“ Zounds! for a quiz, a hoax, a joke, a jest, a song, a dance, a catch, a tale, a race, or a row. Tom King would not turn his back on any man in England. A’n’t I the choice spirit of the day, the jolly dog, the roaring boy, the knowing lad, the rare [Pg 211] blood, the prime buck, the rum soul, the funny fellow? Emperor of the Cockonians! Chairman of the Jacks! General of the Lumber Troop! Master of the Mugs! Chief of the Eccentrics! Member of Daffy’s! President of the Flounder Club! Chairman of the Owls! Chancellor of the Two o’Clock Club! Vice-Chairman of the Hard-up Club! ”

“ May you also, Bob and George, grapple with Hogarthian energy, in displaying tout a la monde the sublime and finished part of creation, whether screwed up to a semi-tone of ART, or in nobly delineating, what must always be a welcome visitor at every residence, and likewise an admired portrait over all the chimney-pieces in the kingdom—a Perfect Gentleman. ”

“ Her “sire” was a capital “good un;” her dam, a prime fleet “un,” an Eclipse in character; her brother, all that could be wished upon the turf, for getting over the ground like a sky rocket, her sister, a Nonpareil at all points, and above any price, but her owner, her out-and-out owner, the Colonel from his “upper crust” down to his “walker,” is a match for all England against any thing—for every thing alive—either on the turf or turnpike,—from a mouse to an elephant: and nothing else but winning belongs to his stable. ”

“ The Laundress loves dearly a drain of “Ould Tom,” from its strength to comfort her inside. The drag Fiddler can toss off a quartern of “Max” without making a wry mug. The Coster Monger illumines his ideas with “a flash of lightning.” The hoarse Cyprian owes her existence to copious draughts of “Jacky.” The Link Boy and Mud Larks, in joining their browns together, are for some “Stark Naked.” And the Out and Outers, from the addition of bitters to it in order to sharpen up a dissipated and damaged Victualling Office, cannot take any thing but “Fuller’s Earth.” ”

“ Upon the return of Jerry to Hawthorn Hall, several days elapsed before anything like pleasure occupied his mind; he positively refused to quit the house, and he also shunned the society of his acquaintances. “It requires no common fortitude,” observed Jerry, to Old Jollyboy, “to bear up against the loss of two such invaluable friends as Tom and Logic, snatched, as it were, in an instant from me, when I stood most in need of their assistance, and to whom I am principally indebted for the knowledge of mankind which I now possess. ”

“ I give it with all its imperfections on its head, to the world; willing to pay smart blunt for my own misdeeds, but not stand Sammy for those of others. To those venerable noodles who complain that I and my prototype, Pierce, have made this the age of flash; I answer any age is better than The age of cant! I tell my pious lecturers, in plain terms, I shall always feel pleasure in reflecting that I have in this piece, nosed every move on the board, in the game of the spell; opened the ogles of the green and the yokel, and the muff, and the raw ”

“ Well, Jerry, after our last night’s divertisement at Almack’s, the set-to I gave you this morning at the great Commissary-General Jackson’s rooms cannot be better followed up than by a turn in the sporting parlour of honest Tom Cribb.
Cribb. Thank’ye, Mr. Corinthian; I’ll always do my best to satisfy you in any way.
Tom. There is one way, Tom, in which you would very soon satisfy us.
Jerry. Yes, and I’m thinking not a little to our dis-satisfaction. I am of opinion that every gentleman should practice the art of self defence, if it were only to protect him from the insults of vulgar ignorance ”

“ The sun for a long time shone brilliantly over the “Temple of the Fancy,” but poor Bob, like too many of his class, did not make hay while it was in his power; when the scene changed, the clouds of misfortune overwhelmed him; and the once sprightly, gay Lancashire hero was compelled to beat an inglorious retreat. The stylish, well-conducted Tom Belcher, next appeared in the character of landlord of the Castle. The house had undergone some repairs, the rooms were all retouched by the painter; elegance with cleanliness, backed by civility, became the order of the day ”