Ring Lardner

“ I said. “You can buy twenty-five hundred dollars' worth of Liberty bonds.”
“Not no three and a half per cent, I can't!” said Cross. “A man that don't get six per cent for his money these days is a fish. ”

“ I said, “our cupboard was bare this morning, and I don't like to start out on a joy-ride with no oil. If you think you're not going too fast to stop, let's pull up minute at the joint with the peculiar name and get a couple of quick ones while the Missus is asleep.”
Nan cut in.
“No, indeed!” she said. “Harry mustn't drink while he's driving. Pretty near all automobile accidents are caused by liquor.”
“Anyway,” said Cross, “I'm going to try not to stop at all till we reach Michigan City. You can get a drink there.” ”

“ I said. “You see, practically all the railroads from the East run through it, and it's forty miles from Chicago, and most people don't sleep very good on a train, and they wake up along about here, and they can't find their shoes, so they all stick their heads out at once and say the name of the town.” ”

“ I told him I was off now.
“If you could,” he said, “how would you like to take a trip in the car with my wife and I?”
“Tickled to death!” said I.
“All right,” said Cross. “We'll be over for you early Saturday morning. And have your nighties packed, because wherever we go, we wont get back before Sunday night.”
I told him that suited me fine, and the deal was closed. You wouldn't hardly believe a man could get that bad in one afternoon.
Cross came for us about eight o'clock. ”

“ Just this side of East Gary there was a sign that said: “Danger. Bridge Unsafe for Loads over 3,000 Pounds.”
“Let's see,” said Cross, when he'd stopped the car. “The machine's supposed to weigh just twenty-eight-fifty. I weigh one hundred and forty-three pounds, and Nan weighs one hundred and thirteen. How much do you weigh?” ”

“ I said. “The lady in the back seat here is sick, and we're trying to get her to a hospital in Gary. Do you ever smoke?”
So we were on our way again.
“Cross,” I said, “I bet your middle initial is von Bethmann. You know just how to handle 'em. Only you made one mistake. You should always call them some name—or else have your tire-wrench handy and crack them in the bean.”
The book's next instructions was to cross fifty-two railroad tracks, but the deck was a couple shy. ”

“ And then we got to thinking it over and decided it'd be a nice thing to invest the whole roll in Liberty bonds. We felt like we ought to do something for the country.”
“That's a fine spirit!” I said. “But I know how you could of done a whole lot more.” ”

“ Ludendorff on a week-end trip, say to St. Joe or somewheres.”
“Well, it's too late now,” said Cross. “Besides, they might of been like Nan and I and loved each other all the more for having a little misunderstanding. I never really appreciated my wife till we quarreled. Now—”
“Shut up!” said I.
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1929. ”