Robert Kibble Hervey

“ The little man took the pipe from his mouth, allowed a dense volume of smoke to escape, and then gently replied:
“I might ask you the same question in equally strong terms, if it was the practice in my part of the universe to be so rude.”
“It’s that rascally steward who has done this,” exclaimed I, in a rage. “First he takes my money, which I pay for a quiet night’s rest, and then he turns in a horrid, tobacco-smoking wretch, to torment my life out; but I won’t stand it, so I should recommend you to make yourself scarce, or else you’ll soon find yourself in the wrong box.” ”

“ Whisky-punch, as I was a ghost! Yes, in an arm-chair, by the side of a blazing fire, sat my nephew with my pipe in his mouth, looking as fresh and rosy as though his rest had never been disturbed. His elbow rested on a small table, on which was a steaming bowl of punch, with glasses, tobacco, and a pipe; on the other side of the table stood an easy-chair. ‘Glad to see you, uncle,’ said he; ‘take a seat, and make yourself at home. ”

“ The doctor, nothing loth to display his talents, knocked the ashes out of his pipe, finished his grog, pushed his glass over to be filled again, and began as follows:
Fortune has made me a digger, but my uncle intended me for a physician. He was a crusty old bachelor, generous and open-handed, but irascible and obstinate. My father, his brother, having been a genius, had naturally come to grief. He married my mother for her beauty, which was her sole dower. ”

“ At last, in disgust, I returned to England, to my old lodgings, and the pipe came and took up its abode with me, and smoked all day long, and in the smoke I seemed to see all manner of strange things; first, my creditors—a fearful sight—each man with a writ in his hand as big as himself. Then, floating lightly on the smoke, came my uncle, with his pockets buttoned very tightly, and my creditors immediately made a rush towards him, and up they all went to the ceiling, and I saw them no more. ”

“ But what do you think, instead of my meerschaum pipe, I found a score of long clays, such as I am now smoking, and a short note from my nephew, informing me, if ever I came to look for my pipe, that he had taken the liberty of making the undertaker’s man drunk, unscrewing the coffin, and effecting an exchange, and wishing me a pleasant time of it with my new acquaintances in the other world. I was burning with indignation, when up came the ghost of an old friend of mine, a solicitor, who had been dead some half-dozen years. ”

“ You will of course behave yourself in a decent and becoming manner, not allowing yourself to be led away to beguile the monotony of the voyage by making strange and unearthly noises, or by alarming any one in any way, as has been frequently the custom among ghosts of bad manners in former times. I have myself an objection to smoking, but I shall not interfere with your indulgence in that pursuit any further than by refusing to confer upon you the power of rendering your pipe invisible ”

“ You can lock me up, you know, and let me out when no one is about: and here’s a sovereign to get yourself something to drink.” “Well, sir, seeing as how you are a gentleman, I don’t mind if I do let you in for one night; but you must mind and not split on me to any one, for things get pretty soon known on board ship by all hands, from the cabin boy to the skipper, as soon as they have once been mentioned.” “All right,” says I, “you may rely upon me.” “Mind,” says he, “you don’t make any noise in the morning. ”

“ As it got dark they added to the generally cheerful frame of my mind, by lighting little bits of tallow candle and sticking them in an ingenious manner to the woodwork of their bunks by the aid of a little melted grease, so that my previous anxiety to see them speechlessly drunk was now converted into an agonised desire that they should remain sober, that being the only possible chance I could perceive of not adding the horrors of fire to the miseries of the tempest. ”

“ Well, while my father was dissipating what little patrimony he had possessed in wild schemes, each of which was certain to bring him in at least a million, only it didn’t, my uncle commenced business in a small way, saved and scraped, and when my parents died, in spite of the continual drain his brother had been upon him, was tolerably well off. When a lad, his great desire had been to be a doctor. ”

“ I shall come to you every night at twelve precisely, wherever you may be, and stop till daybreak, so you had better make up your mind and give it up at once.’ ‘Why didn’t you take it,’ said artful Jack, ‘while it was lying on the chair?’ ‘Because I mayn’t; but if you don’t give it up, you shan’t have a wink of sleep as long as you live.’ ‘All right, uncle,’ says he, ‘I shall always be glad to see you, but you don’t get the pipe, as I said before ”

“ Never. As I did not consider his conversasation cheap at the price of one pound per night, I did not buy any more of it; but, instead of wasting my money, I made friends with my whisky-drinking companions, who turned out very good fellows, and with whom, on my arrival here, I came up to the diggings. ”

“ I’ll come and let you out before breakfast when the skipper’s on deck, and all hands are at work, swabbing themselves down.”
With that he opened the cabin-door, handed me a candle, pushed me hastily in, and turned the key in the lock. The cabin was a model of neatness—a nice carpet on the floor, a first-rate bunk on one side, and a delightfully soft sofa on the other; in fact, all that one could desire ”

“ The pipe did it, and the pipe alone. I don’t deny that I found it very pleasant to have some one to take a fancy to, but I don’t see how affection for one’s nephew could improve one’s appetite, do you? ”

“ I remember it perfectly, so I’ll give it to you. “Sir,—I enclose you a check for 100l.; you won’t get any more when that is done, so you may go to the devil, or to Australia, which you like.” I liked the latter; so, as my creditors were troublesome, before a week had elapsed I found myself on board the Ocean King, 1200 tons register, A 1, and carrying a competent surgeon, bound for Port Phillip direct. ”