Samuel W. Francis

“ Phillips heaved a sigh, pregnant with bread, butter, cold meat and ale; and slid out of the room, crunching her way down stairs. I peeped at my sister—she looked pale and very anxiously perplexed, I pinched myself and kept silent. In a few minutes a voice was heard singing up the back stairs and—enter Sabina spread out with starch and heavily pomaded hair. 'Mrs. Phillips sent me to tell you marm that she had to make her gruel and the fire was low—and that Thomas had gone home.'
'Why, what time is it, Sabina?'
'Eight o'clock,' I enunciate distinctly. ”

“ Asking to be forgiven after slamming a door is like touching off a Rodman gun, and then calling out to the fort in front to 'look out' 'take care!' 'do get out of the way.' A first class slam is cumulative long after the noise has ceased—the nerves go on slamming—the valves of the heart flap to and from—the tympanum roils a revelrie to all the shattered senses, the offender slammed at, at once subsides from rage to fear ”

“ Many a good natured man who has been cornered by injustice has slammed off his anger, and is ready to forgive, but not give up. There is a dignity in this rapid developement of muscular power which admits of no surrender—the gauntlet has been thrown down, the chip has been knocked off the shoulder, the black flag is hoisted and skull and bones stand out in bold relief. ”

“ When my sister kept house I suffered much for want of dishes during many days in the week.—There was very little variety.
Sundays we had only potatoes and cold meat.
'Why,' I asked.
'They must go to church, my dear brother.'
Mondays, one fry, not even a roast, it was washing day, all the heat must be turned off from the oven for the boiler.—The cook wouldn't have it roasted in front, the only true way.
So no dessert could be baked.
Tuesdays I could have no company for it was ironing day, and the irons filled up the range and nothing extra could be made. I submitted to my sister. ”

“ Susan! Susan!' 'and but the booming roars replied and fast the talk rolled on.' 'Susan,' said she, gently, over the bannisters.
'Susan is out, marm,' said a granite voice from the second story.
'Don't speak so loud, marm. Johnny has just gone to sleep, and I've had such trouble with him all the evening; he must have caught cold going to dancing school. You know, marm I begged you not to send him.
'Mrs. Phillips,' whispered Mary, in a crushed voice, 'where has Susan gone?'
'She went to her sister's, marm. ”

“ No one coming we concluded you had left for Europe.'
'No,' I said, feeling rather confused, 'the waiter I believe is subject to sciatica. At times he is taken suddenly and cannot move, and the reason we did not hear the bell, (I looked away as I said so,) his cries of pain are such that you cannot hear yourself speak.'
Now the door is answered before the first ring stops sounding. For I arranged it so as to vibrate long enough to give a person time to go from any part of the house in exactly two minutes; and no man of the world rings oftener than once every three minutes. ”

“ I have seen your sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many suffer and endure trials, and I have solved the problem and told it all to my segar!'
'Well now that is selfish, William!'
'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightest interference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to stay here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice.'
'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided to your segar.'
'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house. No. one is to keep your servants ”

“ Let them once feel a respect for you, yet know you are determined to have anything done, and a simple remark will lie like lead on their stomach, and you will hear them talking of it down stairs and using the bow anchor of firmness, 'he said so,' until it is done. ”

“ Phillips, just come down stairs, please; I want to speak to you.—Come into the library, only Mr. D'Aubrey is here.'
(Humph! Only Mr. D'Aubrey!—'Oh, for to-morrow!')
Enter Mrs. Phillips, one of those fat, pylygastric nurses, who divide the twenty-four hours into four days, so as to have three meals to each of their diurnal revolutions; whose digestive organs, if they could speak, would strike for wages; whose eyes move but never look; their atmosphere [Pg 5] —what Germans might call expression—being that of massive rest. ”

“ It is all wrong—all humbug, all trash!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar over my clean shirt.
'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my last remark.
'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them, and learn the true method, which has for its motto,
"Maximum of work,
Minimum of trouble."'
By this time I began to feel anxious.—My sister had gone off into a fit of laughter [Pg 3] that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimately awakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a servant ”

“ Oh how my sister wanted to speak, but I looked at the tin box that held the contract and she bit her lip.
'Very well, Sabina, you have a perfect right to go when and where you please, and I will take great pleasure in writing out an excellent character for you. Let me see, (looking at my account book) that is two weeks wages making $8. I never make presents, but as you are going here is a ten dollar bill. Where would you like [Pg 14] your trunk carried, tell me and I will send it by Thomas Saturday morning?'
'Oh! it isn't that, sir,' said she, 'but—but, sir,' with the tears flowing rapidly. ”

“ This last saved twenty dollars a month, for hardly anything under those expensive circumstances, fell [Pg 11] of their hands; and I noticed the plea of 'sudden change of weather,' or 'some one must have disturbed it,' or 'that horrid cat has been among those dishes and upset them,' or 'twas cracked before,' became as worn out as aphorisms of the past. I was always very attentive to them when sick. This tells, in the long run, on servants, for they are very susceptible to a kind act out of place—indulgence, however, is soon forgotten. ”

“ A bona fide, abandoned slam is a Domestic Earthquake.
I next sat down on my Mexican chair, and waited for the rapid hatching of the egg. A register led up from the kitchen [Pg 8] into my room, and though never used, formed one of those abominable listening tubes that might be truthfully called family tale-bearers. ”

“ We acknowledged our signatures and Dinah wrote out her name in a neat hand, then picked up the waiter and walked out of the room with the air of an injured innocent.
I jumped up, kissed my sister, informed her that for the next three months she was to be a passive observer, asked her to retire, locked up the contract, and gave the bell one pull that brought half the household to the door.
PART II. A MAN'S PLAN.
As the servants rushed into the library they found me quietly reading a book and puffing at the pages. ”

“ Now, in consideration of this obligation on the party of the first part, the party of the second part covenants, agrees and binds himself, his heirs and assinines—I mean assigns—to act conscientiously for the benefit of all the inhabitants of said 'Villa Felice,' whether male or female;—and moreover pledges himself never by word or deed to consult, ask questions of, molest by interrogated words, or lead on by indirect remarks, the party of the first part ”

“ I would not have written all this but my blessed sister soon entirely followed out my reformation and is fairly convinced, as she says, that when a man sets about any matter, he is very thorough: clear headed ”

“ A CHRISTMAS STORY. MAN IN HIS ELEMENT: OR, A NEW WAY TO KEEP HOUSE. BY DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS. CONTENTS PART I. A WOMAN'S PLAN. PART II. A MAN'S PLAN. PART I. A WOMAN'S PLAN.
'My dear Mary,' said I, one morning, to my widowed sister, as she sank into an arm chair in front of my library fire, and heaved a sigh replete with exhaustion and sadness:
'What is the matter?'
'Enough for a woman, William, but of course, nothing for an old bachelor like you, who have only to pay your own bills, eat your meals without the trouble of ordering them ”