Thomas Andrew Lehrer

“ The force is mass I think he said the force, Times acceleration. I know that word, of course, Yes, the force is the mass It's all becoming clear, Times the acceleration, or more precisely, the time derivative of the linear momentum. ”

“ The music was gay, and the setting was Viennese,
Your hair wore some roses (or perhaps they were peonies) ,
I was blind to your obvious faults,
As we danced 'cross the scene
To the strains of the Wiener Schnitzel Waltz. ”

“ The heart of every man in our platoon must swell with pride
For the nation's youth, the cream of which is marching at his side,
For the fascinating rules and regulations that we share,
And the quaint and curious costumes that we're called upon to wear.
Now Al joined up to do his part defending you and me.
He wants to fight and bleed and kill and die for liberty.
With the hell of war he's come to grips,
Policing up the filter tips.
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier.
When Pete was only in the seventh grade, he stabbed a cop. ”

“ And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree. ”

“ First we got the bomb and that was good,
'Cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then Russia got the bomb, but that's O.K.,
'Cause the balance of power's maintained that way!
Who's next?
France got the bomb, but don't you grieve,
'Cause they're on our side (I believe) .
China got the bomb, but have no fears;
They can't wipe us out for at least five years! ”

“ Where the scenery's attractive,
And the air is radioactive,
Oh, the Wild West is where I wanna be.
'Mid the sagebrush and the cactus
I'll watch the fellas practice
Droppin' bombs through the clean desert breeze. ”

“ The body that reached her embalma
Was one that had known how to live.
Alma, tell us,
How can they help being jealous?
Ducks always envy the swans
Who get Gustav and Walter
You never did falter
With Gustav and Walter and Franz! ”

“ Your hands can't clasp,
No, they can only clap,
⁠Without an S.
⁠A scar would then be a car,
⁠A star would turn to tar,
⁠A mast would be a mat.
⁠Try running fast,
⁠You couldn't be fast,
⁠You'd only be fat!
Without an S -- A ship would be a hip. ”

“ Comes a fellow everyone knows.
It's the old dope peddler,
Spreading joy wherever he goes.
Every evening you will find him,
Around our neighborhood.
It's the old dope peddler,
Doing well by doing good. ”

“ If there are none, Then I am done, And I can bid you all good day, For there's no reason I should stay here, For I've said all I have to say here. If there are none, Then I am done, I wish you luck on the examination. And so, my friends, I bid you all goodbye, I hope you've liked the course as much as I, Goodbye, goodbye, Goodbye, to one and all I say goodbye. Just one more thing, and do not laugh: I hope you'll take the second half, Physics -- Physics -- Physics Eleven B. Now there's no reason I should (*) stay here, etc., etc. STUDENT 1: [begin at (*) above] Ha! ”

“ But I tried to get close and I cudent,
For she said that she wasn't "that kind."
⁠More often a king weds a commoner
⁠Than a physicist makes a housewife,
⁠For they only are versed in phenomener
⁠That have nothing to do with real life. ”

“ Exchanging points of view
An occasional quiet little stroll
Rejuvenates the soul
Not too energetic [alt: Nothing too athletic]
Merely peripatetic
Millionaires can't measure
What a simple pleasure -- means. ”

“ With guns and gangs and metal detectors
(Remember how we felt guilty just “playin’ hooky”?)
When the school is broke, and homework’s a joke,
And the kids do booze or grass or coke,
We’ve come a long way from choc’late milk and a cookie. ”

“ And be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
Be prepared!
And be careful not to do
Your good deeds
When there's no one watching you. ”

“ Unlike the rest of you squares.
There are innocuous folk songs, yeah,
But we regard 'em with scorn.
The folks who sing 'em have no social conscience,
Why, they don't even care if Jimmy Crack Corn. ”

“ J: He's not the one
S: I bet he is
J: I bet he's not
S: And we've only an hour to get from here to the yacht
J: He was supposed to be smoking a pipe
Frankly, he just doesn't look like the type
S: Look like a spy, you mean? ”

“ Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.
On Christmas Day you can't get sore.
Your fellow man you must adore. ”

“ At a parrot who’s also a hawk
And please don’t think that we’re naive
‘Cause we’re backing Eugene McCarthy
Things come true if you believe
As the Wizard once said to Dor’thy
Whatever became of you, Hubert? ”

“ IT MAKES A FELLOW PROUD TO BE A SOLDIER
alternate verses from the U.K. version, as performed on the David Frost show:
Now Peter was the nicest boy his mother'd ever seen.
He never even stabbd a cop till he was seventeen. ”

“ The format of the song was suggested by a Danny Kaye-Sylvia Fine routine entitled "Stanislavsky", and the name of the protagonist was chosen for purely prosodic reasons.
↑ 1.0 1.1 At each of these two junctures one should insert some phrase in Russian (if the audience does not speak Russian) or some Russian double-talk (if it does) . The author's own choices varied from performance to performance, ranging from the merely inappropriate to the distinctly obscene. ”

“ Who owe their large pensions to Wernher von Braun.
You too may be a big hero
Once you've learned to count backwards to zero
"In German, oder Englisch, I know how to count down
Und I'm learning Chinese!" says Wernher von Braun. ”

“ Send us a souvenir if you can .
⁠While you are out destroying life,
⁠We'll be back home enjoying life.
It's great to be an essential man.
Some are too old to get into the army.
Some guys the army won 't even take. ”

“ C: [leaving] Never mind. I'll just go over to the laundromat and have a bowl of soap flakes. [1] ↑ The last line was (understandably) changed in the actual show.
The video of this song was included in the show Rita Moreno: Life Without Makeup, presented at the Berkeley Repertory Theater in 1911. ”

“ C: I didn't think they existed any more.
D: Remember when we were kids how we used to look forward to the Good Humor Man?
(All laugh) ⁠ (trill in the music)
Soprano: (spoken) As a matter of fact, do you know what I would really like right now?
(sings) I would like some ice cream.......
Possible scene after the song
(During "two chocolates, two vanillas", A looks out the window.)
A: Hey, he's gone! ”

“ Freddie Fin--ch. (Alt. : Fin--dee--din--ch)
Deborah Den--ch
Was a cool wen--ch
Sitting on a ben--ch
She would often clen--ch
A book that was all in Fren--ch--ch
Did Debbie Den--ch, Den--ch--ch,
Debbie Den--ch. (Alt.: Den--dee--den--ch) ”