Thomas Andrew Lehrer

“ Amid the California flora
I'll be lighting my menorah,
Like a baby in his cradle
I'll be playing with my dreidel,
Here's to Judas Maccabeus,
Boy, if he could only see us,
Spending Hanukkah
In Santa Monica
By the sea. ”

“ Is the girl that heaven meant for me.
So though for breakfast she makes coffee that tastes like sham--poo,
I come home for dinner and get peanut butter stew,
Or if I'm in luck,
It's broiled hockey puck,
But, oh well,
What the hell,
She's my girl,
And I love her. ”

“ I really don't know why.
For now each time I kiss it
I get bloodstains on my tie.
I'm sorry now I killed you,
For our love was something fine,
And till they come to get me
I shall hold your hand in mine. ”

“ HE: Mi amor, SHE: I think he said "amor." Un favor I've heard that word before. Yo te pido. Mi amor, I'm almost sure that love Un favor Is what he's thinking of. Un besito de contestación. (Alt.: Yo te pido solamente que me envíes tu un beso del balcón.) There he goes again! Te amo, The moon is high above, vida And I'm in the mood for love, de mi vida. ”

“ Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
My tragic tale I won't prolong,
And if you do not enjoy my song,
You've yourselves to blame if it's too long,
You should never have let me begin,
Begin,
You should never have let me begin. ”

“ Yet everybody tells me that my lectures are obscure
And I can't think why!
Consider, for example, oscillation of a spring
The force that acts upon it is a very simple thing
It's kx3 --- or kx2 --- no, just kx, I'll bet
The sign in front is plus - or is it minus?, I forget
Well, anyway, there is a force, of that there is no doubt
All these problems are quite trivial if you only think them out
Yet people tell me, "I have memorized the whole term through
Everything you've told us, but the problems I can't do." ”

“ Let us drink a toast to all we love the best.
We shall sleep through all the lectures and cheat on the exams,
And we'll pass --- and be forgotten with the rest.
Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife.
Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. ”

“ And go put on your cleats,
And come and trample me.
Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany.
That's why I'm in such exquisite "ogany".
My soul is on fire,
I's aflame with desire,
Which is why I perspire when we tango. ”

“ Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks,
And the rich folks hate the poor folks.
All of my folks hate all of your folks,
It's American as apple pie.
⁠But during National Brotherhood Week,
⁠National Brotherhood Week,
⁠New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans 'cause it's very chic. ”

“ FIGHT FIERCELY, HARVARD
words & music by Tom Lehrer
Fight fiercely, Harvard,
Fight, fight, fight!
Demonstrate to them our skill.
Albeit they possess the might,
Nonetheless we have the will.
How we shall celebrate our victory,
We shall invite the whole team up for tea
(how jolly!)
Hurl that spheroid down the field, and
Fight, fight, fight!
Fight fiercely, Harvard,
Fight, fight, fight!
Impress them with our prowess, do! ”

“ Let's face it, I love slime!
All books can be indecent books,
Though recent books are bolder.
For filth, I'm glad to say,
Is in the mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd. ”

“ Because I know I'll hate you
When you are old and gray.
So say you love me here and now,
I'll make the most of that.
Say you love and trust me,
For I know you'll disgust me
When you're old and getting fat. ”

“ No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance,
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.
Oh, we will all fry together when we fry.
We'll be french fried potatoes by and by.
There will be no more misery
When the world is our rotizerie,
Yes, we all will fry together when we fry.
Down by the old maelstrom,
There'll be a storm before the calm.
And we will all bake together when we bake.
There'll be nobody present at the wake.
With complete participation
In that grand incineration,
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak. ”

“ I GOT IT FROM AGNES
words & music by Tom Lehrer
VERSE:
I love my friends
And they love me
We're just as close
As we can be
And just because
We really care
Whatever we get
We share!
CHORUSES:
I got it from Agnes
She got it from Jim
We all agree it must have been Louise who gave it to him
Now, she got if from Harry, who got it from Marie
And everybody knows that Marie ----
Got it from me! ”

“ A little glob becomes a globe instantly
If you just add Silent E
He turned a dam - Alikazam! - into a dame
But my friend Sam stayed just the same
Who can turn a man into a mane?
Who can turn a van into a vane? ”

“ THAT'S MATHEMATICS
words and music by Tom Lehrer
Counting sheep --- when you're trying to sleep,
Being fair --- when there's something to share,
Being neat --- when you're folding a sheet,
That's mathematics! ”

“ If you ever see him,
Thank him for me.
Miracles don't just appear fully grown.
They start off as wonders
That have to be tended
And nourished and mended
Until they are splendid
Enough to go out on their own. ”

“ And till they've seen the light,
They've got to be protected,
All their rights respected,
Till somebody we like can be elected.
Members of the corps
All hate the thought of war.
They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means. ”

“ The force is mass I think he said the force, Times acceleration. I know that word, of course, Yes, the force is the mass It's all becoming clear, Times the acceleration, or more precisely, the time derivative of the linear momentum. ”

“ And nothing could be done
'Cause he was the mayor's son.
The guy that took a knife
And monogrammed his wife,
Then dropped her in the pond and watched her drown.
Oh, yes indeed, the people there are just plain folks
In my home town. ”

“ I'll win each voter's heart --- now is that idea so crazy?
Remember how I won Ann Sothern's heart in "Up Goes Maisie"?
You'll just have to admit that I'm the best man for the job
If you ever saw me in "A Girl, A Guy, and A Gob". ”

“ Take me back to dear old Dixie,
That's the only li'l ol' place for li'l ol' me.
Old times there are not forgotten,
Whuppin' slaves and sellin' cotton,
And waitin' for the Robert E. Lee
⁠ (It was never there on time) . ”

“ A: Oh, God, I can't live without him! I'll die!
B: Die from love?
A: People have.
B: Aah! You've been reading too many books. Listen!
B:
Shakespeare lied.
When Juliet died,
Romeo didn't take poison just because he'd lost his bride.
A: What did he do? B:
He got over it.
He went back to Junior High, and he got over it.
And so will you.
You'll get over it.
A:
So Romeo got himself a life,
But then, there's Othello, he murdered his wife!
B:
But Shakespeare lied.
Othello may have cried,
But he never strangled Desdemona 'cause he thought she lied.
A: What did he do? ”

“ So don't wait up for me.
But while you swelter
Down there in your shelter,
You can see me
On your TV.
While we're attacking frontally,
Watch Brinkally and Huntally,
Describing contrapuntally
The cities we have lost. ”

“ What focused our attention
On the fourth dimension?
We 'd been doing so well with just three.
'Twas Mister Einstein's brain child,
Relativity.
And who would think
And who'd forecast
That bodies shrink
When they go fast? ”

“ Now, let's not always see the same hands!
One, that's right. Whoever got one can stay after the show and clean the erasers.
Hooray for New Math,
New-hoo-hoo Math!
It won't do you a bit of good to review math. ”

“ A is a nice guy, who wouldn't dream of making trouble for anyone. B is diabolical and loves to make trouble for people just for the fun of it. As we start, A is putting his wardrobe in order. During the first section A gradually becomes aware of what B is up to. ”

“ In their attics
Are learning mathematics
Just for Sociology.
Persuasion
By equation
They all feel is much more satisfactory.
In an ivory steeple,
Far away from all people,
They do research in Sociology. ”

“ The music was gay, and the setting was Viennese,
Your hair wore some roses (or perhaps they were peonies) ,
I was blind to your obvious faults,
As we danced 'cross the scene
To the strains of the Wiener Schnitzel Waltz. ”

“ Will put a man on the moon.
But don't complain of empty pockets or empty pantries.
Think of all those sexy rockets sitting on their gantries.
We're proud of every orbit,
And I hope you're doing your bit
To help us land there soon.
Let's crack down on all tax dodgers
So some nut can play Buck Rogers,
When we put a man on the moon.
Note: The first man on the moon was Neil Armstrong on July 20, 1969. ”

“ This song was prompted by the observation that all love songs that actually describe any physical aspect of the beloved limit their compliments to such things as hair, eyes, lips, hands, etc. Physical anthropologists, on the other hand, have a whole arsenal of descriptive adjectives at their disposal. ”

“ Yes, for paradise the Southland is my nominee.
Jes' give me a ham hock and a grit of hominy.
I wanna start relaxin'
Down in Birmingham or Jackson.
When we're havin' fun, why, no one interferes.
I wanna talk with southern gentlemen
And put my white sheet on again.
I ain't seen one good lynchin' in years.
The land of the boll weevil
Where the laws are medieval,
Is callin" me to come and nevermore roam.
I wanna go back to the Southland,
That "y'all" and "shet-ma-mouth" land.
Be it ever so decadent,
There's no place like home. ”

“ But look how you behave!
Love is the master now,
You are the slave.
from The Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act 2, Scene 1
Valentine: Go to, sir. Tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?
Speed: She that your worship loves? ”

“ First we got the bomb and that was good,
'Cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then Russia got the bomb, but that's O.K.,
'Cause the balance of power's maintained that way!
Who's next?
France got the bomb, but don't you grieve,
'Cause they're on our side (I believe) .
China got the bomb, but have no fears;
They can't wipe us out for at least five years! ”

“ And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree. ”

“ GROUP 1: GROUP 2: ⁠Fight! ⁠F-I-G-H-T ⁠We may not win but then again we might! ⁠M-I-G-H-T ⁠And even if we don't it's still all right, ⁠R-I-G-H-T ⁠So why not ⁠Fight?
F-I-G-H-T
Don't step on the referee
⁠Fight ⁠F-I-G-H-T ⁠Our quarterback is really not too bright (*) ⁠B-R-I-G-H-T ⁠The way it looks we might be here all night ⁠N-I-G-H-T
So why not fight?
Our team is out-a-sight,
So let's not get uptight,
And why not
Fight!
Give a cheer, give a yell,
Show them we know how to spell
F-I-G-H-T
ALL: (shouted) Fight! ”

“ The heart of every man in our platoon must swell with pride
For the nation's youth, the cream of which is marching at his side,
For the fascinating rules and regulations that we share,
And the quaint and curious costumes that we're called upon to wear.
Now Al joined up to do his part defending you and me.
He wants to fight and bleed and kill and die for liberty.
With the hell of war he's come to grips,
Policing up the filter tips.
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier.
When Pete was only in the seventh grade, he stabbed a cop. ”

“ Where the scenery's attractive,
And the air is radioactive,
Oh, the Wild West is where I wanna be.
'Mid the sagebrush and the cactus
I'll watch the fellas practice
Droppin' bombs through the clean desert breeze. ”

“ Comes a fellow everyone knows.
It's the old dope peddler,
Spreading joy wherever he goes.
Every evening you will find him,
Around our neighborhood.
It's the old dope peddler,
Doing well by doing good. ”

“ The body that reached her embalma
Was one that had known how to live.
Alma, tell us,
How can they help being jealous?
Ducks always envy the swans
Who get Gustav and Walter
You never did falter
With Gustav and Walter and Franz! ”

“ If there are none, Then I am done, And I can bid you all good day, For there's no reason I should stay here, For I've said all I have to say here. If there are none, Then I am done, I wish you luck on the examination. And so, my friends, I bid you all goodbye, I hope you've liked the course as much as I, Goodbye, goodbye, Goodbye, to one and all I say goodbye. Just one more thing, and do not laugh: I hope you'll take the second half, Physics -- Physics -- Physics Eleven B. Now there's no reason I should (*) stay here, etc., etc. STUDENT 1: [begin at (*) above] Ha! ”

“ Your hands can't clasp,
No, they can only clap,
⁠Without an S.
⁠A scar would then be a car,
⁠A star would turn to tar,
⁠A mast would be a mat.
⁠Try running fast,
⁠You couldn't be fast,
⁠You'd only be fat!
Without an S -- A ship would be a hip. ”

“ Exchanging points of view
An occasional quiet little stroll
Rejuvenates the soul
Not too energetic [alt: Nothing too athletic]
Merely peripatetic
Millionaires can't measure
What a simple pleasure -- means. ”

“ And be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
Be prepared!
And be careful not to do
Your good deeds
When there's no one watching you. ”

“ Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.
On Christmas Day you can't get sore.
Your fellow man you must adore. ”

“ But I tried to get close and I cudent,
For she said that she wasn't "that kind."
⁠More often a king weds a commoner
⁠Than a physicist makes a housewife,
⁠For they only are versed in phenomener
⁠That have nothing to do with real life. ”