Thomas S. Denison

“ Enter Boyler, L. angry.
B. All humbug, sir!
Dr. F. What’s that? Oh, it’s you, Mr. Boyler.
B. At last I’ve found you out, Dr. Fluke!
Dr. F. So it seems. Why bless me, if you aint cured. Walking without a cane!
B. Humbug! I said.
Dr. F. But it’s a fact!
B. You can’t hoodwink me, sir. You’re a charlatan!
Dr. F. Don’t be unreasonable!
B. Unreasonable! Oh, I can’t stand that. (Dr. laughs.) Gad, sir, you are actually laughing at my misfortunes. Do you call yourself a gentleman?
Dr. F. Cut all that! What do you complain of? You are cured. ”

“ Pink T. That is nothing for a wealthy club like ours. Why, in the old times when men carried the pocket-book and managed clubs they were always head over heels in debt.
Rosa. (Surprised.) Why, Miss Pink T. Hykight! Do you adduce the men’s clubs as examples for our guidance?
Pink T. Certainly not. Their clubs are cheap nowadays because we allow them so little pocket money. And they are so weak in the matter of drinks.
Rosa. But we can’t pay bills even in 1950 without money.
Pres. I tire of hearing about money. Money has never been the chief object in any condition of society. ”

“ A foreigner with money! Bah! A foreigner is only better than the native tyrant in this, that he makes no pretension to be suffering from that antiquated, imaginary malady love. He boldly proclaims that he gives his name and reserves his freedom. ”

“ The New Woman’s Club and Anti-homo Association points with pride to its record in the matter of political and social reform, it further views with alarm the gradual encroachments of the male sex upon the dress of women. Witness the almost universal adoption of bloomers by men of fashion, which is rapidly being imitated by male maids of all work, and even scullions and dish-washers. ”

“ Spratt. Puppy! Dare you call me puppy? I’ll— (Makes toward Tick. Topp prevents him.)
Topp. Stay, restrain your impetuosity. Your only remedy is to call him out after I have done with him. As for booting him out of the house, no gentleman could so deport himself toward another gentleman. Do you think I could stain my honor by kicking him?
Spratt. No, it would not do. Let the nigger kick him.
Tick. Gentlemen, this waiting is a bore. (Theatrically.) To fight or not to fight, that’s the question. ”

“ Willie Jones, who is he?
Dollie. (Jumps up.) Goodness me, he’s not a he. He’s a girl! (All laugh.) Such a ridiculous mistake! It would so mortify poor Willie if she were here. She’s such a dear, timid little thing; why, she hardly dares breathe.
Daisy. What a funny name for a girl, anyway.
Dollie. Poor thing, she can’t help it. Parents old fashioned you know, and like men well enough to want their names.
Pres. The name is very good since it is borne by a woman. The new woman will not only do as she pleases, but call herself what she pleases. ”

“ Land. Bulger is all right. Best man on the road.
Leggatt. He has softening of the brain.
Land. Impossible! Bulger is one of the best salesmen on the road.
Leggatt. I’ve had enough of him. I think he’s crazy. (B. angry gesture from behind curtain.)
Land. Nonsense! His head is as level as—as mine.
Leggatt. I wont dispute that!
Land. And you mean you fired a pistol and alarmed the whole house just to tell me this.
Leggatt. I’m not done yet. Next thing you bring in an idiotic Dutchman—
Schnell. Vy, you rascal! dot is me. ”

“ Topp. (To Spratt.) Now, my dear sir, I leave all to you. Use expedition. (To Gin.) Show the gentlemen out. (Exeunt Spratt and Tick, L.) Ah, well this may be serious after all. But it is only an incident and the true gentleman lives in an atmosphere of incidents. I’ll write her. Bless her little heart, honor demands that I do and dare for her like a knight of old. (Sits at table to write.) “My dear Miss Twiggs”—No, that is too formal—“My dear Angie”—how does that sound?—that’s a little familiar possibly for one day’s acquaintance. ”

“ You are not a marrying woman. I value freedom too much to surrender it. And there’s Doughflyer, she’ll stick by us. She has principles—and a name. We’ll go on as before.
Birdie. The mischief is done.
Dollie. We’ll reorganize if necessary. (She leads Birdie down C., dress stage.)
Birdie. (Sadly.) No, we never can survive this disaster. The old woman will laugh at the new, and ridicule kills. The club is dead. The finger of progress goes back on the dial of time at least a century. Good-bye dear, old club, the scene of my busiest, happiest, hours. Good-bye forever.
Curtain. ”

“ Topp’s Twins will require careful rehearsal. Owing to the peculiar nature of the humor and the droll situations, anything like lagging will ruin the effect. The man who plays Cadwalader Topp must not forget that he is always a gentleman, even in his anger, but he is a genial gentleman and not an icicle. Tick’s assurance always has good nature in it, while Spratt’s is malicious. Mrs. Dubbledam is slow, heavy and serious in all she does.
The author has endeavored to follow the old style and let the humor of the play flow continuously rather than to depend on startling climaxes for effect. ”

“ Leggatt. It is the faculty of not letting a statement lack strength.
Bulger. Well, I must say this landlord’s statements are very robust.
Leggatt. Neatly put, Bulger. I believe you cultivate literature yourself. You should at any rate. Literature—
Bulger. (Walking floor.) Literature be d—d.
Leggatt. My dear sir, you wont sleep at all if you go on at that rate. Since you decline to join me in a pipe let me read a chapter of Squibbs’ last novel to you; that’ll do the business.
Bulger. (Pausing in front of L.’s cot.) Read Squibbs to me! At midnight, in a strange hotel! Preposterous! ”

“ Born of Irish father and Chinese mother and brought up in barracks at Hong Kong he has a remarkable dual nature. Whiskey, the drink of his father, transforms him into a true Irishman, while strong tea, the beverage of his mother, has the power of restoring fully his Chinese character. Dr. Fluke employs Chin as cook, on the hearty recommendation of his old friend, Major Barker. Unfortunately for the doctor, Chin gets at the whiskey bottle through the carelessness of Mike, who, in his way is no less a character than Chin Sum himself. ”

“ Go on, Susan. (Aside to Susan.) You’ve been talking again. Why can’t you keep your customers quiet like mine. (Scream from Miss T. who runs in, one side of face in great red blotches.)
Miss T. Madame Princeton, you will kill me! Oh, how my face smarts!
Mad. P. It can’t hurt much.
Miss T. It’s on fire! Oh, oh!
Mad. P. Only a temporary twinge, Miss Terwilliger. (Gets between Dickie’s chair and Miss T., turns latter away, nods to Susan who busies herself with Dickie.) To-day I will apply my great discovery, Pastilla di Pasta and to-morrow you will have the complexion of a baby. ”

“ Our battle is not yet completely won. A large number of our own sex oppose us, and cling to the old system which made woman a slave. I therefore move that a committee be named to call upon Her Excellency, Governor Angelina Perkins, and Chief Justice Daisy Flyer inviting them to a joint discussion of this important question, in the rooms of this club.
Dollie. I second that motion.
Pres. I see no harm in it and will name as the committee ex-Judge Birdie Robbins, ex-Mayor Dollie Giglette, of whom, by the way, we are all proud as the youngest mayor ever elected in this city, and Miss Brownmuffin. ”

“ Boyler.
B. Damages! I shall sue you for $10,000 damages.
Dr. F. Do it, sir, do it! It’ll make my fortune. It will advertise the greatest cure of the age. Nothing like a law suit for advertising purposes. Wont you oblige me by breaking something else? Just upset those shelves, wont you? Throw my instrument case out of the window.
B. I’ll not do it. I wont gratify you. A gentleman can find other ways of avenging an insult. ”

“ Well, sometimes I think that I’d rather preside in a nice home than in this club. Mr. Blake is handsome—such eyes and such a mustache! and such manners! How kind of the Gas Company to educate their men in etiquette. That [151] is because a woman is president of the company. Why, I’ve read that in the old time the insolence of gas employés almost equaled that of employés in the city hall nowadays. But he is poor and I can not stoop! The motto of the Hykights is “Upward,” and I, Pink T. Hykight, a descendant of President Hykight, shall not be the first to step out of the family rank. ”

“ Smith is too plain and common for me. When I entered the employment of this club I became a new woman, and I just took a new name. I was tired of Smith. When I applied to Justice Daisy Flyer to get a permit to change my name, she said flowers were having a great run for names, and I chose Smilax.
Mack. Mary, you are prettier to me than any flower.
Mary. (Smiles.) That is a very pretty compliment, but you forget that it is only proper for our sex to pay such compliments as that. The new woman—
Mack. Bother the new woman. Since you have become a new woman, Mary, you drive me to distraction. ”

“ Rosa. Pay him! Why, the bill is over three hundred dollars. We do smoke so much and the members are hanging the club up.
Pink T. That is contrary to rules. Doughflyer is responsible for that. She is too easy. By the way, have you a cigar about you?
Rosa. No, I came down in the car with Judge Flyer and she took the last one I had. I’ll ring for Mary to bring in cigars.
Enter Mary, R.
Pink T. Oh, here she is now.
Mary. Miss Hykight, there is a man at the door who wishes to see the president.
Pink T. A man! No man can come in here except in extreme necessity or in a menial capacity. ”

“ Confound your customers. (Tick laughs heartily.) What are you laughing at, sir? (Tick laughs again. Shaking his fist at Tick.) Don’t provoke me! I cannot answer for the consequences. Commercial affairs have no place in an affair of honor.
Tick. My customers tell me that frequently. (Laughs.)
[57]
Topp. May the devil take your customers from first to last. (Tick laughs immoderately. Topp furious.) If you don’t stop your laughing, I’ll knock every tooth out of your head.
Spratt. His conduct is very ungentlemanly.
Topp. In the extreme! In the extreme! I can’t fight him. He is no gentleman. ”

“ Spratt. No gentleman would propose a corncutter as a decent weapon.
[69]
Twiggs. Quite right! We’ll have none of them. They are perfectly absurd! Fit only for niggros. Nothing like hair triggers. (Steps toward C.) Has any gentleman a brace of pistols? I think I can arrange all to the satisfaction of the company.
Spratt. (Comes down C.) I brought a pair for alternatives. (Produces them from case.)
Twiggs. Ah, beauties!
Tick. I object to hair triggers!
Twiggs. On what grounds, sir?
Tick. They might go off.
Twiggs. A frivolous objection, sir! You owe Mr. Topp satisfaction. ”

“ Let people talk, the new woman does not care a fig for what people say.
Dollie. Miss Arlington is a very sweet girl, but—
Birdie. (Rises.) Miss President!
Pres. Miss Birdie Robbins.
Birdie. I rise to correct the language of Miss Giglette. I object to the word sweet. It sounds silly. The new woman will, I hope, not be a piece of confectionery, inciting men to cannibalism.
Dollie. (With slight emphasis.) Well, I don’t care! Ernestine is sweet but that’s not the worst, she’s engaged to be married. (Chorus of “Oh’s.”)
Daisy. Who is he? Oh, I didn’t mean that? Has he money? Is he a foreigner? ”

“ Spratt. (Furious.) If you say pups again there’ll be bloodshed. I won’t stand it.
Mrs. T. (Screams.) Oh, dear me! Josiah, can’t you do something?
Mr. T. If it’s a question of blood come outside. A grass plat is better to shed blood on than a carpet. We’ll paint the lawn red.
Spratt. (Going.) Come on!
Tick. Excuse me! (Looks at Angie.) I have an engagement here.
Mrs. T. Josiah, do get rid of these horrid men.
Mr. T. (Takes Tick by arm.) Come, sir, no vacillation. A brave man never hesitates. ”

“ I’ll take your cahd.
Mrs. T-K. Just say a lady.
Gin. Yes’m. (Exit Gin. R.)
Mrs. T-K. Oh, I’m in such a state! What if Angie is right after all and Mr. Topp is in love with her? (Sighs.) Ah, well! I did think he admired me and then his asking me to write about dear Twiggsie and Dixie. But I just couldn’t write all about them, they’re so charming. To tell him in a confidential way will be much nicer. Pa is sure to bungle matters. Men always do. I must see Mr. Topp and make sure of this golden [48] opportunity for my precious boys. If he should marry, perhaps he wouldn’t want to adopt twins. ”

“ What the public wants is humor and action. In the latter feature “Patsy O’Wang” is unequaled. Caution, in fact, is necessary here lest the play be overdone. Excessive boisterousness and “horse play” should be carefully avoided.
This is a play that must be well rehearsed. It must be kept in mind that while Mike and Norah are conventional Irish with a thick brogue, Patsy (after his transformation) speaks good English with little if any brogue. In Hong Kong his associations were with officers of the British army (as servant) and naturally he acquired the language of gentlemen. ”

“ Miss Birdie Robbins, no longer a “chicken,” and intensely anti-man. Miss Daisy Doughflyer, (Duffy, from the French Du Fay) . Mary, the stewardess who is known as “Smilax.” Other Women, only talked about—Ernestine Arlington, who is engaged, and Willie Jones (not a boy) , who is so very timid that the only thing she can do is to elope.
Horrid men.
Jack Blake, a collector for the gas company who is misunderstood by Miss Hykight but much better understood by Rosa. Bertie Howell, “at leisure, don’t you know” and has time to fawnsy Daisy. Mack, the ice man who fancies Mary. ”