Various

“ Repentance leads inevitably to repetition. (2) Repentance is like a secret. If you keep it to yourself it loses all interest. Nobody can repent on a desert island. (3) To repent is to have been unsuccessful. (4) Not to be repentant is never to have enjoyed. (5) Repentance in a man means nothing more than an intention to change his methods; in a woman it is a last tribute to an expiring reputation. ”

“ Fancy he felt he must do something to maintain ancient reputation. Grandolph and John Morley spoke for two hours each, whilst few, having caught Speaker's eye, let go under ninety minutes. Sexton must needs beat record; did it, talking for two hours and half by Westminster clock! Had an hour and a half served, speech would have been worthy to rank with those of Asquith, John Redmond, and Davitt. As it is, case one of oratorial suicide. ”

“ Everybody has his own private Dragon, and some people have public ones as well. For example, Sir Wilfred Lawson, in laying down his wreath, would be commemorating the introduction of the Veto Bill; Mr. Gladstone would be slaying (in spirit) the Leader of the Opposition in the House of Lords, who is evidently the "Dragon of the Prime (Minister) " referred to by Tennyson; Lord Cranborne would be Mr. Davitt's Dragon, and so on. The fun would be that nobody would be expected to say what Dragon he meant. ”

“ What have they brought the Parish Councils Bill in for? I thought we'd all got County Councils all over the place.
First W. I. M. (slapping him warmly on the back) . My dear chap, you've just hit the nail plumb on the right head. That's what I've said all along. The whole country's being simply ruined with all these blessed Councils. Every man will have to be his own Council before long, if they go on making Councils at this rate. ”

“ But it isn't that, nor is it the material jewels whose disappearance I lament. They are things that are bought and sold; they may be replaced. Fact is, old friend" (hate to see a strong young man sobbing) , "there was more than that."
"I didn't see anything else mentioned in the papers," I remarked.
"No; we resolved to bear our burden among ourselves. I don't mind telling you, that beside the brooches, bracelets, chains, rings, and other things of that sort, the fellows stole the notes I had made for speech on Home-Rule Bill. ”

“ Anyhow, don't you see (furtively consults newspaper and quotes) that "Parish Councils are the logical and necessary development of the scheme of County Government left imperfect by the Conservatives"?
First W. I. M. No. I don't see it at all.
Second W. I. M. Well, then, how do you propose to root the agricultural population in the soil? You must admit——
First W. I. M. I don't admit anything—at least, I won't until you tell me how a Parish Council is going to root anybody, let alone an agricultural labourer, in anything. ”

“ Stanhope Forbes, A.R.A., is a clever Painter, as everyone knows, but he is cleverer than was thought, as he has sold his Academy Picture to the Manchester Corporation for 1,200 guineas. Stanhope Forbes will change his name to Stan'up-for-your-Price Forbes, A.R.A.
From One of the Wise Men in the East.—A traveller, doing a walking tour in Egypt, from Cairo and back again, describes himself as a "Cairopedist," and adds that it's just the place for Members of that profession to prosper, as "Corn in Egypt" is proverbial. ”

“ You're always talking about agricultural depression and hard times for those that live on the land, and you won't lift a finger to help them when you get the chance. If we give these chaps Parish Councils, they can all get allotments, and then of course (quotes again) "we shall multiply the productive power of the land tenfold." ”

“ But they call this a Bill, not an Act.
First W. I. M. It's only another way of saying the same thing. A Bill or an Act—it's all one.
Second W. I. M. No, it isn't.
First W. I. M. I'll lay you a couter it is.
Second W. I. M. Done!
First W. I. M. Well, what do you (withering emphasis) say is the difference?
Second W. I. M. When the House of Commons brings anything in, it's a Bill, and when the House of Lords does it, it's an Act. Pay up! ”

“ But if the real rivalry is to be between Museum and Church, with such results as this rather pessimistic parson predicts, the look-out seems rather dismal—for the Church! Surely this is the highest compliment to secular attractions ever paid by a cleric! Mr. Punch hopes—and believes—it is as ill-deserved as high. ”

“ The places where the fun comes in, as it does occasionally, and is therefore the more precious, are chiefly with Weedon Grossmith, and in the scenes between Mr. F. Kerr and Miss Hanbury. The piece is not up to the former "screamers," such as Dandy Dick, The Magistrate, and My Aunt, or whatever was the title of the farce in which Mr. Weedon Grossmith played the part of Mrs. John Wood's solicitor. The scenery by Mr. Hall is Hall good, specially the woodland scene in Overcote Park.
"We loathe Music." ”

“ Made ordinary Members in black coats feel very small. T. D. Sullivan, the Bard of Erin, long known at Westminster, is also Member of Dublin Corporation. Brought over his scarlet robes; took his seat within the Bar; other Members of Corporation, of course, kept outside sacred precincts. Some little disturbance at door when Lord Mayor arrived in procession, preceded by Mace, and accompanied by Sword-Bearer. ”

“ First W. I. M. What have allotments got to do with Parish Councils?
Second W. I. M. Everything.
First W. I. M. (triumphant) . Then how do you account for my Uncle's coachman having an allotment at this very moment? He's had it for years, long before anybody even heard of Parish Councils.
Second W. I. M. That exactly proves my point. It's just because he isn't an agricultural labourer that he's been able to get it. What we want to do is to level up. ”

“ Men with such special gifts are, indeed, rare; nay, they are demi-gods. But, if such men are to be found, no matter at what cost, we sincerely wish they (the originators of this scheme) may get them.
MIXED NOTIONS. No. IX.—PARISH COUNCILS. (Scene and Persons as usual.) ”

“ Went home for slight repast; placed notes of speech on dressing-table; thought with passing pleasure of the policeman we have kept these thirty years perambulating St. Dunstan's in view of possible burglar, and went to dinner. When I tripped upstairs, meaning to go down to House, found notes gone, and, incidentally, £2000 worth of jewellery. I won't disguise from you, Toby old man, my private conviction that the whole thing was a plant. Mr. Gladstone's at the bottom of it!"
Business done.—Ninth Night Debate on Home-Rule Bill. ”