Various

“ He said "In the mud one can't score, anyhow, Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! The people are raising a deuce of a row, Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! I've been waiting all day in these flannels—they're damp!— The spectators impatiently shout, shriek, and stamp, But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Gamp, Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! ”

“ When engagement reopened Squire gone for his holiday trip, postponed by the all-night sitting, John Morley on guard. Breaks force of assault by protest that the time is inopportune. By-and-by the Lords shall be handed over to tender mercies of gentlemen below gangway. ”

“ Perhaps, Rohesia, you would like him to take you in?
Lady Cant. That, of course, is quite out of the question. I see you have given me the Bishop—he's a poor, dry stick of a man—never forgets he was the Headmaster of Swisham—but he's always glad to meet me. I freshen him up so.
Lady Culv. I really don't know whom I can give Mr. Spurrell. There's Rhoda Cokayne, but she's not poetical, and she'll get on much better with Archie Bearpark. Oh, I forgot Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris—she's sure to talk, at all events.
Lady Cant. (as she corrects the list) . A lively, agreeable woman—she'll amuse him. ”

“ The Genevese Professor Yung Believes the time approaches When man will lose his legs, ill-slung, Through trams, cars, cabs, and coaches; Or that those nether limbs will be The merest of survivals. The thought fills Timbertoes with glee, No more he'll fear his rivals. ”

“ In such circumstances no opening for able young men. But, suppose they could induce some blatant, irresponsible person, persistently to put groundless questions, and make insinuations derogatory to the character of British statesmen at home and British officials abroad? Then they step in, and, amid applause on both sides of House, knock over the intruder. Sort of game of House of Commons nine-pins. Nine-pin doesn't care so that it's noticed; admirable practice for young Parliamentary Hands. ”

“ QUEER QUERIES.—"Science Falsely So Called."—What is this talk at the British Association about a "new gas"? Isn't the old good enough? My connection—as a shareholder—with one of our leading gas companies, enables me to state authoritatively that no new gas is required by the public. I am surprised that a nobleman like Lord Rayleigh should even attempt to make such a thoroughly useless, and, indeed, revolutionary discovery. It is enough to turn anyone into a democrat at once. ”

“ Oh, ungallant must be the man indeed Who calls "nine women out of ten" "knock-kneed"! And he should not remain in peace for long, Who says "the nether limbs of women" are "all wrong." Such are the arguments designed to prove That Woman's ill-advised to make a move To mannish clothes. ”

“ I never saw any in Andromeda myself, your—your Holiness. You're the first to find a fault in her. I don't say there mayn't be something dicky about the setting and the turn of the tail, but that's a trifle.
The Bishop. I did not refer to the setting of the tale, and the portions I object to are scarcely trifles. But pardon me if I prefer to end a discussion that is somewhat unprofitable. (To himself, as he turns on his heel.) A most arrogant, self-satisfied, and conceited young man—a truly lamentable product of this half-educated age! ”

“ The poet, whose volume bears the proudly humble pseudonym "A Village Peasant," should look in at the House of Commons and continue his studies. There are a good many of us here worth a poet's attention. Sark says the thing is easy enough. "Toss 'em off in no time," says he. "There's the Squire now, who has not lately referred to his Plantagenet parentage. Apostrophising him in Committee on Evicted Tenants Bill one might have said:—
Squire, noble hearted, shine, for ever shine ”

“ Insomnia has been conquered for the second time by Douglas the Doomed One, and who now shall say that the three-volume novel of the amateur is not a means of spreading civilisation? It must be a mine of wealth to somebody. ”

“ Tuesday.—A precious sight, one worthy of the painter's or sculptor's art, to see majestic figure of Squire of Malwood standing between House of Lords and imminent destruction. Irish members and Radicals opposite have sworn to have blood of the Peers. Sage of Queen Anne's Gate is taking the waters elsewhere. In his absence do the best we can. Sat up all last night, the Radicals trying to get at the Lords by the kitchen entrance; Squire withstanding them till four o'clock in the morning. ”

“ Why did he not at once turn the new gas off at the meter?
Indignant.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
From Henry Sotheran & Co. (so a worthy Baronite reports) comes a second edition of Game Birds and Shooting Sketches, by John Guille Millais. Every sportsman who is something more than a mere bird-killer ought to buy this beautiful book. Mr. Millais' drawings are wonderfully delicate, and, so far as I can judge, remarkably accurate. He has a fine touch for plumage, and renders with extraordinary success the bold and resolute bearing of the British game-bird in the privacy of his own peculiar haunts. ”

“ Dolly sent the Dialogue to the only paper which I happen to edit. I regretfully declined it. But the fact that she sent it may possibly explain why I have found it so easy to give this account of what happened on that afternoon when I sent the two telegrams.
The Cry of Chaos.
"Vive l'Anarchie?"—Fools! Chaos shrieks in that cry! Did Anarchy live soon would Anarchists die. One truth lights all history, well understood,— Disorder—like Saturn—devours its own brood. ”

“ One who's used to shoot asprawl from behoind a hedge or wall, At the risks of rock and heather well may smoile, smoile, smoile!"
But our sportsman bold, though silly, by a stalwart Highland gillie, Was right suddenly arrested ere he fired, fired, fired.— "Hoots! If you'll excuse the hint, that old thing, with lock of flint, As a weapon for this sport can't be admired, mired, mired!
"It will not bring down that quarry, your horse-pistol! Don't you worry! That Royal Stag we'll stalk, boy, in good time, time, time ”

“ I said; "but I've no doubt that what I said in the two telegrams which brought me here will be put down to your account."
"No one expects truth in a telegram. The Post-Office people themselves wouldn't like it."
Dolly was certainly looking at her very best. Her dimples (everybody has heard of Dolly's Dimples—or is it Dolly Dimple; but after all it doesn't matter) were as delightful as ever. I was just hesitating as to my next move in the Dialogue, which I badly wanted, for I had promised my editor one by the middle of next week. ”

“ If Woman's limbs in truth unshapely grow, The present style of dress just makes them so!
QUEER QUERIES.—A Question of Terms.—I am sometimes allowed, by the kindness of a warder, to see a newspaper, and I have just read that some scientific cove says that man's natural life is 105 years. ”

“ To think that Charles the trickster, Charles the droll, Should thus be hob-a-nobbed by red-nosed Noll!
Methinks I hear the black-a-vised one sneer "Ods bobs, Sire, this is what I've long expected! If they had him, and not his statue, here Some other 'baubles' might be soon ejected. Dark Strafford—I mean Salisbury—might loose More than his Veto, did he play the goose.
"He'd find perchance that Huntingdon was stronger Than Leeds with all its Programmes. Noll might vow That Measure-murder should go on no longer ”

“ Depend upon it, Noll would purge the place Of much beside Sir Harry and the Mace."
Your Majesties make room there—for a Man! Yes, after several centuries of waiting, It seems that Smug Officialism's plan A change from the next Session may be dating. You tell us, genial Herbert Gladstone, that you May find the funds, next year, for Cromwell's Statue!
Room for a Big One! Well the Stuart pair May gaze on that stout shape as on a spectre. Subject for England's sculptors it is rare To find like that of England's Great Protector ”