Various

“ Holes went on, but in a lower voice, so as to be heard only by Lord Tochtachie: "The guilty party, my Lord, is your honoured father-in-law. He dare not, he cannot, deny it. He is, I know, blind and deaf and dumb. These qualities do not, however, exclude the possibility of crime. I have just found these pieces of granite in his morning-room. The proof is complete."
At this moment a shot was heard in the Castle, and directly afterwards a frightened butler rushed up to his lordship and whispered to him. "Ha! say you so?" almost screamed Lord Tochtachie. ”

“ Sir Lyon (aside, to Secretary, when the ladies have retired) . I say, you know I am afraid this is going to hang fire. It's nothing less than a miracle for a social affair to go off well when the people are not in the same set. Old Pickwick's been asking for "a wassail bowl." I haven't got such a thing about me; and I should have thought '74 champagne would have been good enough, but he says it's like our humour—too new! The children are bothering to know why there isn't a Christmas-tree. ”

“ To MR. Punch,—Sir,—I appeal to you. Ought scientific papers to be allowed to publish incitements to bloodshed and anarchy? I have just read in one an enthusiastic commendation of "an agitator working at 280 revolutions per minute." ”

“ In the magnificent dining-room are seated at dinner a large, well-known, and incongruous company. The Ghosts are chatting away in the most genial manner with the living distinguished people, and positively making the "celebrities" quite "at home." ”

“ As great care has been taken to imitate a really first-class piece of furniture by a good maker, it is hoped that the fact that the wood is certain to split and warp, that the drawers jam, that the keyholes are dummies, and that the whole is a piece of cunning shoddy, will escape the attention of the average purchasing idiot. What offers?
To Pickwickian Students.—Of what class of persons is it recorded in Pickwick that "their looks are not prepossessing and their manners are peculiar"? ”

“ Scene III.—In the Hall, in which is a temporary theatre; all the Modern Celebrities are seated on rows of chairs, chattering, flirting, and discussing Insomnia and the New Criticism. Behind the scenes the Ghosts are disputing as to which shall recite first, the order of precedence depending entirely on the question as to which is the most completely defunct. Finally, Ernest Maltravers and Tom Jones go on together, and the Curtain goes up. ”

“ Will you go and help a Scotch representative peer to recover his own? Think how terrible it must be to lose the march or boundary that separates your ancestral domain from that of a neighbour whose whole course of life may be antipathetic to you. ”

“ Let our toast be, 'Our noble Shelves!'—'our noble Book-shelves!'" explains the Baron, gaily; and so back to the Brown Study where, as Baron Brown Beard, he disposes of the various heads in his department, and signs himself, The Just and Generous Baron de Book-Worms.
Mrs. Ram says no wonder people are blown out at Christmas, as they do fill themselves with so many "combustibles." ”

“ Writing on the 17th March, 1889, he says: "We have trouble in politics, and I am very weary. But I must go on doing my daily work as best I can, looking for guidance and wisdom where alone it can be had until my rest comes." This cry for rest was always sounding, through day and night. A few weeks earlier he wrote to another friend: "I can say God help me. He will take me out of my work when I am no longer required, and then will come rest."
His last appearance in a semi-official capacity was in July, 1891, when he went to Hatfield to meet the German Emperor. ”

“ You pay your due respect to Man
By writing up the Rings—of Saturn!
New Prandial Proverbs.—What's underdone can't be helped. A bird in a pie is worth two in a dish. Apollinaris (or any other) water in time saves wine. The early guest gets it hot. It is never too late to dine.
A TRUTH IN SEASON.—What would Christmas be without the Cracker? Messrs. G. Sparagnapane have their reply ready with their "Cracker Skirt-Dancer" and their "May Blossom" (so nice in December) , which is a pleasant souvenir of The Wedding. Of course, all these crackers will "go off" well!
[pg 311]
LONDON ”

“ To the House, sent from Brighton, the youngest have come;
From the House, down at Brighton, the oldest will be—
Mr. G.
A SEASONABLE VADE MECUM. (By Ker Mudgeon, Senior.) Question. What is the most satisfactory motto for Christmas? Answer. That it "comes but once a year." Q. Then it is as well to take a gloomy view of the season? A. That is the only reasonable aspect in the face of a pile of "Christmas bills." Q. What are Christmas cards? A. Advertisements of existence sent to enemies as well as friends. Q. What is a plum pudding? A. Indigestion in the concrete. ”

“ One of them, indeed, went so far as to hint that Holes was "havering," which I understand to be an ancient Gaelic word signifying metaphysical talk, but a look from the great detective chilled him into silence. Day by day we worked, and not even the night gave us a rest from our self-sacrificing labours. We mapped out the whole district into square yards; we gathered the life-history of every single inhabitant on the estate ”