Various

“ In House of Commons it's as common as pastels on the pavement. Joseph went the step further that marks the wide gulf between genius and mediocrity. Having declared that in 1893 he, impelled by irresistible conscience and unfathomable love for his country, would vote against what in 1886 he (subject to same influence) described as the key of the position, Joey C. turned upon his right hon. friends on the Treasury Bench, and with manly emotion that brought tears to the eyes of the Member for Sark, deplored their inconsistency. ”

“ The crowd close to the barrier either cannot or will not pay the slightest attention to these injunctions, and remain placidly gazing at whatever happens to be in front of them; the people in the outside line, who can see just enough to tantalise them, begin to exhibit signs of impatience. ”

“ Sultan (warmly) . At your service at any moment, my dear Abbas!
Khedive (smoking furiously with closed eyes) . Ah! if they would only let me alone, let me rule my subjects in my own Oriental way—as you do yours in Armenia, for example—then, indeed, I could have a good time, and plenty of treasure.
Sultan (significantly) . Out of which my little formal trifle of Tribute might come easily and regularly—eh, Abbas?
Khedive. Quite so, Padishah! Bah! These brutal, blundering Britishers don't understand the Art of Government as adapted to Eastern Ideas. ”

“ L. S. My dear Mimosa, I give you my solemn word that if I remain opposite those Chippendale bookcases ten minutes longer I shall become a gibbering anarchist! Surely we can be loyal without such a painful resemblance to a box of dried figs. ”

“ They might remember there's others that would like to have a look besides themselves! Some of them seem to have made up their minds to spend the whole day here! (With a withering glance at a stout lady in the inner rank.) How anyone can call herself a lady and spend fifteen minutes downright gloating at nothing but cigarette cases—well, I should be sorry to be so disobliging myself! ”

“ Do you prefer Bisley to Wimbledon? Answer. Officially, yes; as a civilian, no. Q. Why do you make the distinction? A. Because I go to Bisley in a double capacity. Q. Why do you prefer Bisley to Wimbledon officially? A. Because there are no distractions, and the ranges are less subject to atmospheric interruption. Q. Why do you prefer Wimbledon to Bisley as a civilian? A. Because Wimbledon was an extremely cheery place, where you could entertain your friends to your heart's content, and have a generally good time of it. Q. Can you not obtain the same advantages at Bisley? ”

“ G., profiting by experience, proposes in present Bill to maintain Irish representation in slightly modified number. That would seem to cut ground from under Joseph's clinging feet. What he passionately, persistently demanded in 1886, is conceded in 1893. If he cannot abear other provisions of the Bill, he must surely defend the one that retains Irish Members at Westminster. Must he, indeed? Those who think so, know not Joseph. For some men the fence might seem a hopelessly stiff one. Joseph takes it as an ordinary item in the day's work. ”

“ The "Top of the Gaymarket" is in just as bad a condition as it was when Punch directed attention to it more than ten years ago, and the virus since then has extended as far eastward as St. Martin's Lane. Moll Flanders' Parade now begins at St. James's Church and ends with Cranbourne Street. It is unfortunate, to say the least of it, that Eros has been selected to point at this London Pestiduct, and the sooner it is thoroughly cleansed and the neighbourhood made worthy of the Shaftesbury Fountain, the better. ”

“ Since we survive the Cook, you wept to send away!
"Has Left but the Name."—The intention of the original starters of the Aquarium was presumably to exhibit fish of all sorts, all alive oh! and quite at home. Nowadays, very little about fish is to be found in the advertisements. The fish are, it may be supposed, "taken for granted." They are conspicuous by their absence; but instead you read how "a human being dives," how somebody conjures, how there are "miraculous feats," and "four-legged dancers," and "baby elephants" waltzing and drum-playing ”

“ These people inside aren't attempting to move along. (To the inner rank.) Will you kindly pass on, and give others a chance? Do pass along there! (The people in the inner row maintain a bland unconsciousness, which is too much for his feelings.) D—n it! why can't you pass along when you're asked to?
The Usual Comic Cockney. It's no good torkin' perlitely to 'em, guv'nor; you touch some on 'em up with your umberella. Why, there's two old ladies aside o' me that 'ave gone and 'ipnotised theirselves starin' at silver kendlesticks! ”

“ Why, my dear, it doesn't matter to them—they have everything lovely as it is!... 'Arriet, when you and me git married, we'll 'ave a show of all our presents—not 'ere, there won't be no room. We'll take the Agricultural 'All, and have a catalogue and everythink. "Set of Elizabethian sheep's trotters, from the Hearl of Alamode." eh? "Pound of Queen Anne saveloys, from the Markis o' Mile-end." "Yard o' flypaper, from the Dook o' Shoreditch." "Packet of 'airpins, persented by seven 'underd lydies of Whitechapel." "Donkey-barrer an' kerridge-rug, from the residents in the Ole Kent Road." ”

“ Still, served his purpose; suggested visions of portrait of Benefactor of the People (penny plain, twopence coloured) hung in all the cottage homes of England.
"Curious," says the Member for Sark, "how rapidly Don't Keir Hardie has played himself out; perhaps rather notable than curious. House of Commons is the quickest machine ever invented for taking the measure of a man. Has looked at Member for West Ham, measured him, weighed him, and set him aside. When, less than a year ago, he came down, with his brass band and his trumpets tootling, he was Don't Keir Hardie. ”

“ House of Commons, Monday, July 10.—Glad the sitting's over; often get a little mixed here; never so magnificently as to-night. Reached 9th Clause Home-Rule Bill, which settles question of Irish Representation in Imperial Parliament. When Mr. G. brought in his Bill in 1886, he proposed to exclude Irish Members. Remember very well the cheer that filled the Chamber when that announcement made on introduction of Bill. ”

“ The presents are arranged behind a long barrier, in front of which the Spectators form a double "queue," the outer rank facing in the opposite direction to the inner line, and both moving at an average rate of one foot every five minutes. ”

“ Q. But were you not always regretting the attractions of Wimbledon when you were in Surrey? A. Certainly, because they lured me from work. Q. Do you still regret them? A. More than ever, because they were certainly pleasanter than the attractions of Bisley. Q. And now, in conclusion, what do you think of this year's shooting? A. The same as former years. Q. What do you mean by that? A. That those who win owe their good shots to flukes, and those who fail have to thank their rifles, and the state of the weather. ”

“ Lor no, my dear, it 'ud ha' been a better lookin' 'at than what that is, if it was one of the presents, depend on it! There's a weighin' machine.... Fancy goin' and givin' them a thing like that! Oh, I expect it's for them to weigh theirselves with. Ah, 'ere come the Jewels now. Now we shall see somethink!... I don't see our present yet, do you, 'Arriet? There's old Uncle Bill's. ”

“ I s'pose I've got as much right to see the bloomin' Presents as what you 'ave?
The P.-f. O. G. You've no right to push in out of your turn, Sir. You must take your proper place down at the end of the queue and wait, like everybody else.
The New Comer. What, all the way down there, and 'ow long might I have to wait, now? ”