Various

“ Merry-go-rounds and swing-boats were not in harmony with Chippo's mood, and the performance at the gaudily-painted Guignol struck him as particularly dreary, but the sight of Ferdinand Delauney's Grande Loterie, with its huge red wheel and tempting array of prizes, roused him to animation. Ferdinand was attracting investors by methods of persuasion which Chippo, as an acknowledged "Crown-and-anchor" expert, recognised as masterly.
"Reckon I'll try a franc's-worth of Ferdy's prize bonds," he said. "But I expect it'll just be my luck to win a dog-collar or a muzzle." ”

“ An excellent purpose will have been served by German Spies at Bay (Hutchinson) if it is carefully digested by those scaremongers who during the War insisted that spies were as plentiful as sparrows in Great Britain. Mr. Felstead tells us the truth, and, though it may offer too little of sensationalism for some tastes, it is very comforting to read. The fact is that the spies of the enemy were pounced upon so promptly and had such a harrowing time that both their quantity and quality gradually sank to something very like zero. ”

“ No one will lightly forget the noble services rendered by the Y.W.C.A. to our troops and those of our Allies during the War, and many of Mr. Punch's friends must have given practical expression to their gratitude. But we are liable to forget that the end of the War has not brought an end either to the work of the Y.W.C.A. or to the claim which that work has upon our recognition. There is pressing need of accommodation and protection and healthy environment for the large army of girls who have been demobilized and are now engaged in, or seeking for, civilian employment. ”

“ What a breathless week!
"What is wanted in our prisons," says a well-known preacher, "is more humanity; in the Irish prisons in particular the right kind of humanity." Even in the rare cases where we get hold of it we don't seem able to keep it. ”

“ Presently the cockerel began to struggle, and Chippo, after considering all methods of transport, took the string intended for Jane from his pocket, attached it to the rooster's leg and marched it before him. He had not proceeded far before he was confronted by the scandalised Sergeant Bulter, with Jane trailing miserably at his heels.
"Hi!" shouted the Sergeant, "what do you mean parading the town like a blamed poultry show?"
"A chap must 'ave a bit o' company when he goes out. I ain't got no dawg now," replied Chippo pathetically. ”

“ During the War of course they always had the pretext of being ordered to the Front at a moment's notice, and were not, it appears, allowed to write home on account of the Censor. Elizabeth used to blame Lloyd George for these defects of organisation. And to this day she is extremely bitter against the Government.
In fact, she is bitter against everyone when her love affairs are not running smoothly. The entire household suffers in consequence. She is sullen and obstinate; she is always on the verge of giving notice. ”

“ And now I must tell you about my company, for, although we are in danger of becoming over-capitalised, there are still one or two shares we are willing to sacrifice, practically at par. The [pg 338] company is known as High-brows, Ltd., and is "designed to meet the requirements" of the countless thousands who detect a familiar note in the conversation with Angela just recorded. The idea is simple and, like all simple ideas, great. We buy a house in each of the chief capitals of the civilised world, and to this house the visitor hurries as soon as he has left his luggage at the hotel. ”

“ The rules, as they stand, decreed that Lody had to be shot, but, if he could have received the treatment which brave men have a right to demand all the world over, I do not believe that even the most rabid Germanophobe would in his heart have been sorry. ”

“ In his view the larger the taxation on the bottle the greater the patriotism of the consumer.
In advocating a slight relaxation of the cigar-duty Mr. Hurd quoted Mr. Bonar Law for the dictum that the excellence of a dinner largely depended upon the quality of the cigar that followed it, and went on to remark that he did not on this matter expect the support of the Labour Party. Mr. Jack Jones stentoriously resented this slur upon their taste. "We like a good cigar as well as anybody," he shouted, adding somewhat superfluously, "Who has a better right to a good dinner?" ”

“ Futurist painters, says a contemporary, are becoming scarce in America. The wave of crime that followed the War seems to be falling off.
The Department Committee of the Falkland Islands suggest that whales should be marked by a small projectile. This is much better than screwing the monster into a vice and carving its name and address on it with a chisel.
A Beachy Head correspondent writes to a daily paper to say that he has seen a peculiarly bright light in the sky. Quite a number of people are asking, Can it be the sun? ”

“ In this last room is nothing but a row of desks. You wait your turn before one of these; then you hand in your name and receive a pass. On this is printed a certificate that you, the above-mentioned, are acquainted with the masterpieces tabulated overleaf. Thus in less than two hours (inclusive of possible delay in the waiting-room) you are free to spend your holiday exactly as you choose. It is hoped that in time these certificates may come to be accepted as carrying complete immunity, for at least a month, from every form of intellectual treat. ”

“ Hewetson wanted the certificates to be issued in the waiting-room. He said it would save time. But I decided that, if the prestige of the institutions and their certificates is to be kept up, unscrupulous people must have no chance of obtaining a pass and slipping away without going up-stairs. Indeed, I am adding an elaborate system of checks, by which it will become impossible to reach the Discharge Bureau without spending the requisite time in each room. The first room is the danger. In the crush people might escape to the cinemas before their ten minutes is up. ”

“ Will Thorne, to find a new home in the precincts of the Labour Party, and seems quite happy again.
Since the American Senate takes so kindly an interest in our affairs as to pass resolutions in favour of Irish independence, Mr. Ronald McNeill thought it would be only friendly if the House of Commons were to reciprocate with a motion in support of the Filipinos' claim to self-determination. Mr. Bonar Law fought shy of the suggestion and preferred Sir Edward Carson's idea that it was better for each country to leave other countries alone. ”

“ Leaders in the worlds of politics and art wander on the closely-shaven lawns or through the stately chambers, where our English kings made their home and in most cases left their bedsteads behind for posterity to admire. ”

“ Chippo continued relentlessly and untruthfully—
"I 'ear she's bit the Colonel's groom an' pinched the joint from the Warrant Orficers' Mess. She never oughtn't to be at large, she didn't."
Rarely in his career had Bulter shown such visible discomfiture.
"Of course," added Chippo casually, "if Jane was my dawg I'd 'ave no grounds for complaint."
When your strong man is compelled to submit to the inevitable he usually does it ungracefully. Bulter took the collar from Jane's neck and pushed her over with his foot. ”

“ We understand that Lord Fisher, who is reported to have taken a week off to say what he thought about the Budget, has asked for an extension of time.
Germany has decided to abolish gradually all titles of nobility. They will disappear Von by Von.
Six hundred Irish emigrants left for New York last Wednesday on board the Celtic. All, we understand, were advised before leaving that the price of a man's votes, after the first five or six, isn't what it was in former Presidential elections. ”

“ Mr. Bonar Law's speech could in the circumstances be little more than an elaboration of "Do not shoot the pianist; he is doing his best."
"The Hon. Member says I am like Oliver Cromwell."—Lord Robert Cecil.
Tuesday, April 27th.—On the report of the Budget resolutions there was, of course, the usual attempt to get rid of the tea-duty. As Colonel Ward sarcastically pointed out, opposition to this particular impost has been for years the "by-election stunt" of every party in turn. ”

“ A chattering monkey. If monkeys an' goats is soldierlike so's poultry."
The Sergeant was silenced, and Chippo and his rooster proceeded on their way, giving a finished exhibition of the goose-step.
Thereafter Chippo and his pet ostentatiously paraded the lines, selecting the occasions when the Sergeant was starting out for a constitutional. Though Bulter's feelings were sorely outraged he preserved an air of icy aloofness, which Jane imitated as long as she was on the lead. This apparent indifference should have been a warning to the cockerel, but he did not know Jane's peculiar temperament. ”

“ The price is thirty thousand pounds. It is difficult to think of any cause to which money could be more usefully subscribed. Mr. Punch begs his readers to send to the promoters of this good work some token of their sympathy and appreciation. Gifts should be addressed to the Hon. Emily Kinnaird, 4, Duke Street, W.1.
"UNITED STATES AND ARMENIA.
It would be grossly misleading to say that Congress, in its present frame of mind, would accept actual responsibility for a country whose place on the map of Europe is not even known to the average citizen."—Daily Paper. ”

“ Things got so bad in fact that about mid-day I decided I must telephone to the Boscombes and tell them Henry had suddenly been taken ill; and I was just looking up the doctor's [pg 332] book to find something specially virulent and infectious for Henry when Elizabeth came in. Amazing to relate, her face was wreathed in smiles.
"They've sent from the Domestic Boorow," she began.
"What!" I exclaimed, "did they get me a waitress after all?"
She smirked. "They've sent a man this time. A footman 'e was before the War, but since 'e's been demobbed 'e's been out of a job. ”

“ Mr. Punch's advice to any who have hitherto passed by is to go in and see Mr. Pim doing it.
"Now one just hates to drag in personal experiences, because it looks as if one were trying to pose as a nero, which thing I hate."
Illustrated Paper.
We heartily share the writer's dislike of the character.
[pg 341]
Works Manager (to applicant for post as night-watchman) . "Have you any particular qualification for this job?"
Applicant. "Only that I'm a very light sleeper, Sir. I wakes at the least noise."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) ”

“ For the girls have got hold of our tow-rope to-day.
(And it's "Haul away, girls, steady an' true,
Polly an' Dolly an' Sally an' Sue,
Mothers an' sisters an' sweethearts an' all,
Haul away, all the way, haul away, haul!")
C. F. S.
A Political Prodigy.
"Mr. Runciman is one of the coming men in British politics. As statesmen go, he is a young man. He is just under 5."
Provincial Paper.
From a recent novel:—
"... ”

“ It's a dog's life; years of training; work all day and night. No peace. Responsibility all the time. You know, dear old fellow, what you want is a soft job. Why don't you start stock-brokin' or somethin'?'
"Well, of course that was a bit of a set-back; still I thought, 'Are we down-hearted?' So I trotted on round to old Simkins—remember that stockbroker chap we ran into at the Gaiety the other evenin'? He's a decent sort of fellow ”

“ This outburst may have shaken the Chancellor's conviction that Havana cigars are indubitably of the nature of luxuries.
"Who has a better right [than the Labour Party] to a good dinner and a good cigar?"—Mr. ”

“ But, as I pointed out to Hewetson, he suffers just as acutely when he has a holiday and goes to Paris. Hewetson holds that there is only one theatre in Paris, the Variétés. But by the time he has accompanied Mrs. H. to the Français, the Opéra, the Opéra Comique and the Odéon, to say nothing of the Théâtre des Arts, he is due back at the office. When I explained this to him, his whole attitude changed at once, and he implored me to accept his subscription for shares in my company. But his heart-rending account of his last visit to Paris, before the War, when he and Mrs. ”