Various

“ Also, How am I "assisting progress of Military Science?" Balloon calmer, and not wobbling, thank Heaven! Begin to enjoy the view. How beastly cold it is up here, though! Passing over St. Paul's—suggest to fellow passenger that with a bomb, or better still a pistol, one could "pot" the Dome. Passenger (funny man) says, "Why not try a parashoot?" I laugh heartily, and nearly fall over side. ”

“ Much interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of fifty miles an hour, drinks included. ”

“ The pace of the excursion train may be neglected in the solution of the problem.
"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself "Puzzled," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the purpose of scratching his left ear, and vice versâ his right leg for his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?"
[pg 274]
GROSVENOR GEMS. (SECOND VISIT.) EXCHELSIOR!
Told that I can "assist the progress of Military Science" if I go up in a "War Balloon" at Chelsea. Don't know anything about ballooning, but do want to assist Military Science. ”

“ They had to go to an architect's office in Great George Street, to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, which Lionel had persuaded the Earl to erect on the waste ground where he had had his memorable conversation with the tinker."
This plan might advantageously be applied to the fashionable, the military, the sporting, and the adventurous novel. Indeed, most writers seem to think that it has been. Meanwhile, nobody need starve while they can turn their scissors to intelligent use. ”

“ Is Raoul in love with the Queen, or the Queen with Raoul? In either case account reasonably for the subsequent conduct of each of them.
What is the Queen singing about at commencement of Act?
Act III.—What is Valentine doing out in the streets, in a wedding-dress, late at night?
Why do the women turn their backs on the church when they kneel in the streets to say their prayers? Is there no more kneeling-room inside the church? If so, why are people still being admitted while the women are kneeling outside? ”

“ See the Balloon being inflated. Disappointed, as a "War Balloon" seems to be exactly the same as a Peace Balloon. Expected it to be armour-plated, or fitted with aërial torpedoes, or something of that sort. Ask Professional Aëronaut if I mayn't take a bomb up with me, and drop it, as practice for war time? Aëronaut scowls fiercely. Asks, "If I want to blow the Balloon to smithereens?" Also asks, "If I have any bombs about me now?" Looks as if he would like to search me! Drop the subject—not the bomb. Still, I should like to know how I can "assist Military Science." ”

“ The simple Faust, just beginning life, is evidently no match for this guileless young lady. Being "no match for her" is probably the reason for his not marrying her. Nordica charming vocally, but dramatically there is too much of the Becky Sharp about her, and she is merely in a plot with Martha to let in the rich and spoony Juggins called Faust. New man, Franceschetti, as Valentine, not quite the thing: perhaps nervous seeing Dan Drady in front looking at him. Good house for Whit Monday, though of course The Brilliancies are absent. Choruses excellent. ”

“ We are descending rapidly. Digestion this time left up in clouds. Tearing along over fields. Balloon pitching and tossing violently. Grapnel thrown out. Catches a cow. Cow runs with us. Idiot! Why can't it stand steady?
Awful crash! Bump, bang, whack! Balloon explodes with fearful report. Yet no reporters present! Remember nothing more. Wake up, and find myself in Hospital of an Essex town. Query—Have I, or have I not, "assisted the progress of Military Science?" ”

“ The magnificently-attired chorus enjoy themselves amazingly at supper in Act I., for Violetta, when she does do the thing, does it well, and there are certainly not less than four bottles of champagne among a hundred guests.
Questions for Examination Paper.—At whose house does this supper-party take place? Why do all the guests leave at once? Why is everyone in a Charles the Second costume except Violetta, who is in fashionable evening dress of 1890? Who is the young lady whom Violetta so affectionately kisses? and what, if anything, has she to do with the plot? ”

“ Anything more violent will involve perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These salutary regulations will be strictly enforced.
The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. ”

“ How a few hundred pounds may be easily and honestly earned is a problem which daily exercises the imaginations of thousands. I was fortunate enough to hit upon a plan which I now feel it to be my duty to make as widely known as possible for the benefit of those whose need is greater than mine ”

“ If George Ranger, the Chief Commissioner of Police, and the Chief of the Board of Works would combine, we might get something done which would benefit the riders—riders haggard and jaded—and materially assist the smallest circulation (possessed by those who ride to live) in the world. There is one thing that ought to be put down, and put down with a strong hand,—and that is plenty of gravel at all the gates ”

“ Visitors ascending staircase, full of enthusiasm and energetic determination not to miss a single Picture, encounter people descending in various stages of mental and physical exhaustion. At the turnstiles two Friends meet unexpectedly; both being shy men, who, with timely notice, would have preferred to avoid one another, their greetings are marked by an unnatural effusion, and followed by embarrassed silence. ”

“ She puts the good man—apparently an Amateur Monk—astride the horse, and she riding behind, holding lightly as it appears, with one hand the broad red crupper, and, with the other, probably, some portion of the Amateur Monk's dressing-gown. But genius must not be fettered. ”

“ Then we have to be thankful for the small mercy of a narrow strip of a ride, barely room for one, along Constitution Hill, and for that other strip, a trifle wider, in Birdcage Walk, which is always crowded with children, and one might as well be riding through nursery grounds. ”

“ As Lord Rosebery foreshadows to high places;
And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run
Our Empire on co-operative bases!
They who want to understand what is stirring in the land,
Should peruse Primrose's pithiest of speeches,
Meanwhile Punch drinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth,"
And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches!
WEEK BY WEEK.
Monday.—Preparing for the Derby. Mr. Stanley goes out of his way to meet Lord Salisbury. Lord Salisbury goes out of Mr. H. M. S's. way. ”

“ The introduction safely engineered, I took another novelette from the pile, and holding it firmly in the left hand, I grasped the scissors with the thumb and forefinger of the right, cut three or four extracts at random, of rather more than half a column in length, and pasted these in the album, leaving about space enough for a couple of pages of three-volume novel, between each section.
Thus I dealt with my twelve novelettes, and then went through them again, and even again. Then the hard work began. ”

“ Then the rattle of teacups, and the merry voices of tennis-players are interrupted by the barking of Ponto, and the incident of the tramp, lectured by the Rector, and relieved by Lionel, the philanthropic Atheist.
"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' said Lionel, carefully shutting his purse. ”

“ Amina supposed to be walking in her sleep, can't possibly take notice of animal, but House in chuckles, as an audience always is, whenever the harmless and quite unnecessary cat appears upon the stage. ”

“ Or, The Political Scipio and the East African Charmer.
"Though the topic of Africa is said to be 'embarrassing and inconvenient,' it need not occasion any uneasiness at all; but if the British Government surrenders any portion of the territory reserved for the sphere of British influence, it may become most terribly embarrassing within a measurable period of time."—Stanley's Reply to Lord Salisbury.
Stanley, loquitur:—
History repeats itself! ”

“ First appearance of Monsieur Ybos. Why Boss? Always thought Druriolanus was Boss of this Show. Better change name to Y-not-bos, and the answer will come from Druriolanus himself, "Iboss." Monsieur Ybos belongs to the school of Signor Vibrato. Energetic but too angry with Valentina, when she confesses that she loves him. Ella Russell magnificent as sleeveless Queen. ”

“ That the new Legislation has begun to tell favourably on the conduct of the traffic of the leading lines cannot for a moment be doubted after glancing at the thirteenth Bi-weekly Record, published at the Companies' expense, according to the Provisions of the recent Act, on the back of all their passenger-tickets. ”

“ With rare skill Talleyrand avoids the dryness usual to memoirs of a personal character. As an instance of this, I give a description of the desertion by the wily diplomatist of Napoleon in 1814, when the Emperor had consented to retire to Elba. That this passage may have additional force, I give it in the original, possibly very original, French:—
"Je n'aime pas lui. ”