Various

“ The Butler is feeble. Crossing the parquet he is down with a dish. In another hour he is down with—shall we begin to say—Influenza? I thought Influenza was sneezing and coughing and the most violent of colds. Yet I hear very little of that in the house. I shall pack up and leave to-morrow morning. Sharp pain in back as I stoop over portmanteau. Feel queer in head. Pains all down my legs. ”

“ The Commissioner, on taking his seat, said that, since they last met, he had been rather puzzling himself with the distinction that might be drawn between a "particular" and a "general" or a "pretty general" nuisance, and he had come to the conclusion that he much doubted whether this latter kind had any definite existence, as there were always to be found disagreeable people, themselves the most intolerable nuisances, ready to support and encourage anything that might prove a source of annoyance or even distraction to their more rational neighbours. ”

“ The noble Markiss, stooping down a little stiffly (owing to the tightness of the hose) , turned a clock-key. After a few rotations, the dog, being set in the right direction, moved out of the way.
"Yes," said the Markiss, pleased at my enthusiasm, "that is rather a triumph, I think. It is common enough to see an automatic dog move its two fore-paws; but, observe, all the paws here work in natural sequence. ”

“ The latter Prince coming to the throne, under the title of Edward the Sixth, he gave Hatfield to his sister, the Princess Elizabeth. When, in due time, you arrive at Hatfield, your host takes you out, leading you by the stately avenue to show you the oak under which Elizabeth was sitting, reading Greek, when news came to her that Mary was dead, and Elizabeth reigned in her stead.
"La reine est morte; Vive la reine!" you opportunely remark.
"Quite so," says the Markiss, evidently struck by your readiness of rejoinder. ”

“ One, a boy who hears his holidays have been extended over the fortnight, is very happy. No Russian Influenza here. Our hostess does not think it necessary to send for the Doctor, who lives three miles off, as the two children have only a slight cold, and the two guests don't happen to be quite well, that's all. Headache slightly, both. At dinner our host, who won't believe in Russian Influenza, says that he's afraid he has rheumatism coming on. Hot grog, we all agree, is the best remedy. ”

“ The stately figure is attired in white doublet, trunks, and hose, embroidered with pearls. On the purple surcoat, lined with red, gold buttons gleam. The white ruff is fastened at wrist and throat with gold buttons: the black cap is solely adorned with a knot of pearls; a golden cord hangs from the neck; the right hand rests upon the head of a large dog, that has, perhaps, a rather stuffed look; whilst the left negligently lounges on the hip above the ready sword. ”

“ Two of the ladies retire early, "not feeling quite the thing," and at eleven our host says he thinks he'll turn in. We bid him good-night, hope he'll be better, and then sit down and discuss news. Odd that people and children should be taken ill, but no one will for a moment admit the possibility of Influenza touching us.
Wednesday. Seven at breakfast. No host. No children down for breakfast; but all apparently "down" with cold, or—something. Hostess comes in, apologises for being late, but much bothered about children, specially the boy who has got extra fortnight. ”

“ You must know that once upon a time a man was seated before the kitchen-fire watching a leg of mutton! His dog was seated near him!
Mr. Fernandez (in an undertone—as himself) . Go away!
Usher (ignoring the interruption) . The dog seized the mutton, and the man cast the stool after him—thus it was said that two legs, finding four legs had stolen one leg, threw after him three legs! Ha! ha! ha! You will see two legs—the man—four legs, the dog—one leg, the mutton—and three legs, the stool! ”

“ Our host prefers to mix, in his Great Meet,
The Tritons and the minnows!"
"With mutual scorn!" I cried. "Has Fashion power
Thus to unhumanise the 'Social Hour,'
Theme of old poets' vaunting?
Gregarious spites and egotisms harsh!—
Foregathering of frog-swarms in a marsh
Yields music as enchanting." ”

“ Robb, that the Usher is an infinitely more important personage than he represents him to be. I am not a dramatist, but I can readily understand that it might interfere with the interest of the play, and perhaps, unduly damage the importance properly attributable to the utterances of the Lessee of the theatre, were Mr. Robb to give increased prominence to his rôle while Mr. Beerbohm Tree is present in the character of Lucien Laroque. But this is unnecessary, as Mr. Kemble about the middle of the sitting very properly adjourns the Court presumably for luncheon. ”

“ The accomplished actress, in a simple black dress, in front of a scene suggestive of (say) an unused ball-room in the Vatican, holds her audience in her grasp. In spite of the smoke of the stalls, the levity of the lounge, and the general incongruity of her surroundings, Miss Roselle scores nightly a distinct success. Lastly, Mlle. Vanoni, returning to the scene of her former triumphs, once again delights all beholders by the sprightliness of her singing and dancing. No reason to fear the disruption of the Empire at present. ”

“ With children we make fifteen. Some one reads out about Russian Influenza. We laugh. In the daytime, we ride, lounge, shoot. Dinner. Somebody is indisposed and doesn't appear. Also a child has caught cold. ”

“ You have been so interested in the journey, that there has been no time for Robert Arthur Talbot Gascoigne-Cecil, P.C., K.G., Third Marquis of Salisbury, Fellow of All Souls College, Oxford, Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and Prime Minister of England, to tell you the story of his life. This you the less regret, as the Markiss is manifestly growing increasingly uncomfortable in his doublet and hose. ”

“ Or is it, perchance, Robert, Earl of Salisbury, or James Cecil, first Markiss?
A familiar voice breaks the charm, and discloses the secret.
"Welcome to Hatfield, Toby, dear boy; but don't suppose that every day I am got up in this style. It is only in honour of your visit, and as soon as you are gone, I doff my doublet and hose, put on an old coat, and go down into my workshop, where I have a little tinkering to do with one of the electric wires which has gone wrong, and threatens to burn up the premises. So glad to see you. ”

“ DCXLII. The Marquis of Salisbury, K.G., at Hatfield House.
RRIVING at the Great Northern Station at King's Cross, and desirous of testing the culture of the clerk at the Booking-office, you ask for a first-class return for Hetfelle. The clerk mechanically puts out his hand towards the receptacle for tickets, drops it, stares at you, and says Hetfelle is not on their line. You insist that it must be, being clearly set forth in Domesday Book. ”

“ Now read who he was, John, please.
The Int. Person. Froude tells a curious incident about——
Flippant P. I tell you what it is, old chap, if you read so much history, you'll end by believing it!
The Int. P. (pausing before the Shakspeare portraits.) "He was not for an age, but for all time."
The Fl. P. I suppose that's why they've painted none of them alike.
A Person with a talent for Comparison. Mary, come here a moment. Do look at this—"Elizabeth, Lady Hoby"—did you ever see such a likeness? ”

“ One Man can take a Horse to Water, but Ten can't make him Jump. THE SOUNDS OF THE STREETS.
Mr. Punch's Special Nuisance Commissioner continued yesterday afternoon this adjourned inquiry, which, having now arrived at the stage of dealing with "street-music," at present attracting so much public notice, invested the proceedings with an unusual amount of interest. ”

“ Tommy (to himself) . It is hard lines on a chap having a Sneak for an Uncle! Catch me swotting to please him!
'Arry. There's old 'Enery the Eighth, you see—that's 'im right enough; him as 'ad all those wives, and cut every one of their 'eds off!
'Arriet (admiringly) . Ah, I knew we shouldn't want a Catalogue.
The Int. P. Wonderfully Holbein's caught the character of the man—the—er—curious compound of obstinacy, violence, and good-humour, sensuality, and—and so on. No mistaking a Holbein—you can tell him at once by the extraordinary finish of all the accessories. ”

“ Pigott is a man that either is, or should be, without an enemy. There is only one thing to be done—our contemporary (following a recent precedent preserved in its own columns) should publish an apology. ”

“ You Tory hens are always so vainglorious.
We'd see—before we join this Farm-yard Chorus—
The birds before us.
"'Free Education'; Chick? 'Free Breakfast-table'?
Or else 'Income-Tax Penny'?
Humph! All good breeds! We cannot say we're able
To cackle against any. ”

“ It was mainly the organ-grinding nuisance that killed John Leech.
"Holy Trinity Church," said the Pall Mall Gazette recently, "contains many notable memorials of past times." Among others, appears to be the head of the Earl of Suffolk, who was beheaded in 1554. This though a memorial of times past, can hardly be pronounced a relic of pastimes, except by those to whom beheading was good sport.
[Pg 43]
"COUNTING THE CHICKS!" ”

“ John calculates that, at this rate, he has a very poor chance of getting away before the Gallery closes.
The Patronising Persons. 'Um! Holbein again, you see—very curious their ideas of painting in those days. Ah, well, Art has made great progress since then—like everything else! ”

“ Mr. Kemble has just retired with his colleagues to luncheon. Mr. Beerbohm Tree, as Laroque, has been removed in the custody of an old officer, in a uniform produced by Messrs. Nathan, from a sketch by "Karl." (Vide Programme.) Mr. Fernandez is seen seated beneath the dock. Advocates fraternise with a Young Abbé, who has evidently a taste for sensational murder cases. ”

“ Rather!
"Ana."—Obiter dicta anent the Parnell Commission will be published in one supplementary volume, entitled, Osheana.
[Pg 38]
GRADUAL TRANSFORMATION SCENE.--FLIGHT OF THE DEMON INFLUENZA AT THE APPROACH OF SPRING. THE DITTY OF THE DAGGER.
[A writer on Fashion says, "The latest fad is the wearing of large daggers in the hair, which renders a lady quite dangerous to her neighbours."] ”