Various

“ Spurrell's ingenuous remark upon the coincidence of the title of the volume in his hand with the name of his bull-dog has produced a painful silence, which no one has sufficient presence of mind to break for several seconds.
Miss Spelwane (to herself) . Not Clarion Blair! Not even a poet! I—I could slap him!
Pilliner (to himself) . Poor dear Vivien! But if people will insist on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they get a nasty bite! ”

“ In the first place, as I have no more chance in any one place more than in any other, I feel it quite impossible to make any choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be an unique distinction, second only to being defeated at the bottom of eleven. In the next place, as I can find no other persons who will come forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself everywhere. ”

“ I do not understand the speech Of all these learned men. Wildly I wave my hand at each, Again and yet again. I feel that I have stayed too late, And yet I can't move on. I'm utterly inadequate, Because my head is gone. I wish I were I don't know what, I wish that I were dead. I don't know if I am or not, For I have lost my head!
INS AND OUTS.
"Cricket was a far superior game to golf or tennis," said Lord Knutsford to the members of the Victoria Park Cricket Association; and he went on to tell a story of the first introduction of cricket to Tonga, one of the Pacific Islands. ”

“ Bonnets to things like housemaids' caps, Banquets to tit-bits, books to scraps, And three-vol novels to "short stories." Gibbon-like length and epic glories, Like mammoths and cave-bears, are gone, Earth brings not back the mastodon; The microbe takes its place. They kill us Not by a giant, but bacillus. Monsters, huge dragons, Laidly Worms, We fear no more, 'tis unseen "germs" That floor us in our life's full pride. We want a "Jack the Germicide," And not the Giant Killer now. Behemoth and the big bow-wow Are gone; for aught not smart and little We do not care one jot or tittle! ”

“ What possible object could she have had in——And oh, dear, how disgusted Rupert will be!
Sir Rupert (to himself) . Seems a decent young chap enough! Too bad of Rohesia to let him in for this. I don't care a straw what he is—he's none the worse for not being a poet.
Lady Cantire (to herself) . What is he maundering about? It's utterly inconceivable that I should have made any mistake. It's only too clear what the cause is—Claret!
Spurrell (aloud, good-humouredly) . ”

“ They proceed, I understand, From a bunker full of sand, Where a golfer, club in hand, Freely swears As he hacks with all his might, Till his countenance is quite As vermilion as the bright Coat he wears. ”

“ Everybody took up the game so heartily that State affairs were allowed to slide altogether, and at last the King of Tonga had to lay down rules as to the times when the game might be indulged in. "Even then the Prime Minister was with difficulty prevented from bowling during forbidden hours." For Tonga read Westminster—where a good deal of tongue—ah!—goes on—and we get a result something like this:—
"After the usual luncheon interval, the Leader of the Opposition and the ex-Umpire-General faced the delivery of the First Commissioner of Stumps and the Scorin' Secretary. ”

“ I said, "of this modern weapon of naval warfare is to be fully appreciated by such alone as have been its unhappy victims. In the incredibly short space of time between the moment of impact and the decease of those who are, as an immediate result, blown to indistinguishable atoms, no reliable evidence has, in the nature of things, been taken down from the lips of the people best qualified to submit it.
"Disconnected fragments of speech, chiefly of a profane character, constitute the sole testimony upon which we have to base our conclusions. ”

“ BEAUTIES OF BOLOGNA. Not those, along the route prescribed To see them in a hurry, Church, palace, gallery, described By worthy Mr. Murray. Nor those detailed as well by whom But Baedeker, the German; The choir, the nave, the font, the tomb, The pulpit for the sermon. No tourist traps which tire you out, A never-ending worry; Most interesting things, no doubt, Described by Mr. Murray. Nor yet, O gastronomic mind— In cookery a boss, sage In recipes—you will not find, I mean Bologna sausage. Not beauties, which, perhaps, you class With your own special curry ”

“ In the unavoidable hurry and confusion of the moment, when the attention of the operator is diverted by the reiterated play of missiles upon his person, possibly a prey at the very time to insufferable nausea, it is almost impossible to guarantee the missile from aberration. ”

“ History, however, and a long course of technical experience, alike convince me that, given equal courage and skill on both sides, vessels equally well equipped and armoured and of precisely similar shape, tonnage, and fighting power, victory may be expected, in many cases out of a few more, to fall to the party that is numerically the stronger of the two. ”

“ Marks' pages, and is always the same charming, simple-minded, sensitive man of genius. It is pleasant to read how our Mr. Agnew—"William" the wise call him—gave the young painter his first substantial lift. Walker had painted a picture he called "Spring," a young girl gathering primroses in a wood. Yielding to the advice of his friends, he put on it a price the amount of which abashed him. Mr. Agnew saw the picture, recognised its merit, and wrote a cheque for the full amount asked. ”

“ Only Natural.—A shareholder at a recent company meeting complained, with some amount of feeling, that he found it next to impossible to obtain a "good penny bun." Can it be that so many people have "taken the bun" that there are none left? ”

“ But how to get into it. Well, why not take up Milestones? All the world knows that the Public Squander Department are responsible for all the Milestones not under the superintendence of the county authorities. ”

“ SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF HELPLESS AND DESERVING INTERVIEWEES.
(Founded Oct. 24, 1894.)
Chief Offices: Utopia. Operating Room and Infirmary: Harrow Weald.
Council.
The Mikado (President) ; Sir Joseph Porter, K. C. B. (Vice-President) ; Barnaby Bampton Boo, Esq., of the Bab Ballads; Borria Bungalee Boo, ditto, King; Mrs. Boo; Reginald Bunthorne, Esq., Fleshly Poet; The Lord Bishop of Rumti-Foo; Sir Edward Corcoran, K.C.B., Capt. R.N.; Lord Mount Ararat; Lord Tolloller; Pooh Bah, Esq., of the Japan Society; Mdlles. Peep-Bo, Pitti Sing, and Yumyum, of the Savoy Theatre. ”