Various

“ Mr. Punch. I do not have to "signal" my messages to "Hellas" or "Lockyer's Land" by canals or "ten million arc lights of 100,000 candle-power apiece." Like the Sun, I am self-luminous, and do not, like the finest planets, shine by reflected light.
Mars. True for you. And from your own intellectual observatory, like Teufelsdroeckh "alone with the stars," you ofttimes scan the heavens when, as Longfellow says:—
"——the first watch of night is given
To the red planet Mars."
Mr. Punch. Precisely! ”

“ But if any of your quidnuncs really want to know what I would say if I did signal, tell them old Mars, grown wiser, has turned up War; has nailed his raven to a barn-door as a warning; has made a pet of Peace's soft-plumed dove; and strongly advises the belligerent boobies on earth who take his old name in vain, and play his abandoned game still, to—go and do likewise!!!
Mr. Punch. By the cestus of Venus, and so I will!!! [Pg 82]
ODE TO IXION. (By a Sympathetic, but Superficial Observer.)
Oh! the hardest of hearts some compassion must feel
For that modern Ixion, the Man on the Wheel! ”

“ How do you do, Mr.—ah—Spurrell? (To herself.) I said he ended in "'ell"! (Aloud.) So pleased to see you! We think so much of your Andromeda here, you know. Quite delightful of you to find time to run down!
Spurrell (to himself) . Why she's chummy, too! Old Drummy pulls me through everything! (Aloud.) Don't name it, my la—hum—Lady Culverin. No trouble at all; only too proud to get your summons!
Lady Culv. (to herself) . He doesn't seem very revolutionary! (Aloud.) That's so sweet of you; when so many must be absolutely fighting to get you! ”

“ I was brought up in the wilds of Canada. There's not much book learning over there," and the rough fellow indulged in a loud hoarse laugh.
"Ah! that accounts for your not having enjoyed the great advantages of the School Board. Have you seen the circular—have you read the details of the proposed appointment?"
"Me read!" cried the uncouth one; "oh, that is a game! Why I can't read nor yet write!"
"Better and better," said Committee Man No. One.
"First rate," murmured Committee Man No. Two. "I think we have at length found our ideal." ”

“ Why should I be dictated to by a disagreeable and elderly stranger, who snores half the journey, and helps herself to ardent spirits in the tunnels?
Why should I be threatened with imprisonment, and be only pardoned by repaying my fare because I have lost my ticket? ”

“ To whom the game seems just a little bit pokey.
But Fry of Wadham, Sir, "glorified Croquet"!
Champion of Champions, you're going to catch it!
Each man loves his sport, swears no other can match it
Chacun à son goût! And he's rather to blame
Who's prompt to make game of another man's Game!
"TO BE TAKEN AS READ."
Dear Mr. Punch,—Thanks to the action of the Circulating Libraries, it seems that the old-fashioned three-volume novel is doomed to become a work of the past. Most of the popular writers have abandoned it, and now the publishers are beginning to fight shy of it. ”

“ Third reading of Evicted Tenants Bill moved. At eleven o'clock Joseph resumed his seat with pleased consciousness of having cast some balm, in the shape of vitriol, over Irish Question. House crowded; Devonshire, in depression and dinner dress, looked down from Peers' Gallery. Over the clock sat Sandhurst, presently to move first reading of Bill in House of Lords. Arranged Bill should finally leave Commons to-night. Only one hour in which Prince Arthur might speak, and John Morley reply. ”

“ Mr. Punch. Hoho! That's the way the (Lockyer's) land lies, eh?
Mars. Exactly, I wasn't signalling to your stupid, conservative, bellicose old world, which, like the Bourbons, learns nothing and forgets nothing. Could I write in plain Titanic capitals across a thousand square miles of my smoothest surface Mars's Straight Tip to Mother Earth, viz.:—
FIGHTING'S AN EXPENSIVE BORE,
SO DISARM AND WAR NO MORE!
what effect would it have on any of you, from civilised England, with you to enlighten it, to the furious fighting dragons who are tearing each other in the eastern seas? None! ”

“ His motion for report of Judicial Committee stood half way down Orders of the Day. When it was reached Markiss said nothing. Naturally other peers were silent, and whilst commoners accustomed to other ways of transacting business were marvelling as to what had happened, and what would follow, House adjourned, practically for a week.
"Well," said Sark for once nonplussed; "certainly if there is a place in the world where 'e don't know where 'e are, it's the House of Lords. When a peer is expected to speak he sits dumb. ”

“ Maisie, dear, how are you? You look so tired! That's the journey, I suppose. (Whispering.) Do tell me—is that really the author of Andromeda drinking tea close by? You're a great friend of his, I know. Do be a dear, and introduce him to me! I declare the dogs have made friends with him already. Poets have such a wonderful attraction for animals, haven't they?
[Lady Maisie has to bring Spurrell up and introduce him: Captain Thicknesse chooses to consider himself dismissed.
[Pg 77]
Miss Spelw. (with shy adoration) . Oh, Mr. Spurrell, I feel as if I must talk to you about Andromeda. ”

“ There's no doubt my new costume is very becoming. I like the idea or the cape, and the apron is just perfect, while the little bonnet suits me to a T. Met cousin Fred, who said it was "fetching," and that "they wanted some of my sort at the hospitals." I said I thought the patients had good enough nurses at present; he replied "he didn't mean the patients—he meant the doctors." Of course I couldn't stand the drudgery of a nurse's life; but that's no reason why I shouldn't appropriate the uniform, is it?
Walking down street. Met another nurse—a real one, I suppose. ”

“ The Circulating Libraries are called upon to fill boxes intended for the edification of subscribers in the country, and in these receptacles of light literature I believe the unpopular authors have their greatest chance. But as a matter of fact, although a romance may be sent to a peruser, it is not within the scope of civilisation to cause that romance to be read. ”

“ The usher bowed with a grace that had been acquired by several years study in deportment in the Board School, and replied that he fancied that most of the applicants were too highly educated for the coveted position.
"Too highly educated!" exclaimed the representative of municipal progress. "It is impossible to be too highly educated! ”

“ My legal knowledge—which is considerable—convinces me that there is a fatal flaw in the so-called election of a woman to the chief post in a municipality, even in New Sheland—I mean New Zealand. It's quite settled law that a femme sole cannot be a Corporation ”

“ When the shout "How's that?" is heard no more,
And to Dutchland back ye go!
PUTTING HIS FOOT IN IT; Or, The Wilful Markee.
["The House of Lords, for some reason, always assumes special care of Ireland, a fact which may account for a few of the curiosities of Irish political and domestic economy."—Mr. Punch's Essence of Parliament, June 3, 1861.] ”

“ They tell me his uncle, poor dear Lord Dunderhead, is so ill—felt the loss of his only son so terribly. Of course it will make a great difference—in many ways.
Capt. Thick. (constrainedly to Lady Maisie) . How do you do? Afraid you've forgotten me.
Lady Maisie. Oh no, indeed! (Hurriedly.) You—you don't know Mr. Spurrell, I think? (Introducing them.) Captain Thicknesse.
Capt. Thick. How are you? Been hearin' a lot about you lately. Andromeda, don't you know; and that kind of thing.
Spurr. It's wonderful what a hit she seems to have made—not that I'm surprised at it, either ”

“ You will be able to travel thousands of miles without the assistance of rails? You will dispense with land and water? All you will require will be the atmosphere, and that is always with us—always at our service. ”

“ House of Lords, Monday Night, August 6.—Markiss expected to continue to-night that speech around the Budget he didn't commence on second reading of the Bill. Sat mysteriously quiet on that occasion. Unexpectedly broke out at following sitting, wanting to know what Herschell meant by saying Judicial Committee of Privy Council had arrived at conclusion that Lords had no power to amend a money bill. "Where's your report?" he asked. "Produce it." ”

“ And yet, perhaps, as railways and steamships are still 'firm' on the Stock Exchange, it may be just as well to allow our holdings in those securities to remain undisturbed? What do you think? It is scarcely time to speculate for a fall? ”

“ And then the official returned to usher in an aged man wearing spectacles. The veteran immediately fell upon his knees and began to implore the Committee to appoint him to the vacant post.
"I can assure you, Gentlemen, that, thanks to the School Board, I am a first-rate Latin and Greek scholar. I am intimately acquainted with the Hebrew language, and have the greatest possible respect for the Union Jack. I know all that can be known about mathematics, and can play several musical instruments. I am also an accomplished waltzer ”

“ When arrangements have been made for a quiet sitting, the Markiss or some other big gun is sure to go off unexpectedly with alarming consequences."
Business done.—Irish Evicted Tenants Bill passed Report Stage in Commons. ”

“ Through the cold, wet, white fog, comes one gleam of light. John Morley brings in a Bill making further provision with respect to Irish Congested Districts Board. Speaker puts customary question, "Who is prepared to bring in this Bill?" ”