“ Several ladies have chosen this week for taking walks. As I was popping down Bond Street a few days ago I nearly ran into sweet Lady B., who was dressed in the softest brown, with a dear little robin redbreast perched lovingly in her toque, which was a veritable dernier cri. There is a beautiful story in connection with the little dickey, as Lady B. believes that it is the same little feathered darling she used to feed with crumbs on her window-sill last winter! ”

“ Manners.—In the dining-room of respectable society it is not considered correct to put your fingers into the plate before you. But at church, into the plate that is set before you, all are expected to put their alms. ”

“ Country-House Pets (The morning-room at Glen-Dimity Castle, after lunch. Mr. Belamy Tabby is singing “Hi tiddley hi ti, hi, ti, hi!”) .—The Duchess. “How clever and amusin’ your friend, Mr. Whatshisname is!—Tabby, isn’t it! So good-lookin’ and gentlemanlike too! Quite a godsend on a rainy day like this, when all the men are out shootin’ or fishin’, or something! Is he married?”
Noble Hostess. “Oh yes; but what’s so nice about him, he doesn’t mind bein’ asked without his wife. Those sort of persons so often expect their wives to be asked too, and that’s such a bore, you know!” ”

“ Lazarus Jones (who has been honoured by an invitation to lunch with that great man, Sir Gorgius Midas, just returned from America) . “I suppose you are glad to get back to your comfortable house again, Sir Gorgius?”
Sir Gorgius Midas (who perhaps does not like his palatial residence to be called a “comfortable house”) . “Yes, Jones! Be it ever so ’umble, Jones, there’s no place like ’ome! ”

“ XI
Jones (under the impression that he is making himself agreeable) . “I don’t care a bit for a pretty woman, myself! They have no conversation. I like a plain woman, who has plenty to say for herself! ”

“ E. C. You haven’t, my dear, of course. You buy the paper because you—have to read Susan’s articles. Never do myself. Hate readin’ articles, [Pg 143]
[Pg 144] specially by people I know. But that’s just the difference between you two and this Judesheim woman. She likes to see her name in print. And then, her husband’s a business man, and she knows the value of a good advertisement.
Lady A. I can’t believe it.
E. C. Well, we’ll ask Susan when she comes. She knows all about it. She ought to be—ah, here she is. How do, my dear?
Lady Susan Southwater (enters hurriedly) . You dear people. ”

“ My Dear Jack,—I want you to come down on Monday and stay a couple of days with me. My wife will be delighted, as you can help her with a children’s party, and also play Pantaloon in a little thing being got up by the young people. I will mount you on the Tuesday with our Stag hounds, as I know you are fond of a day’s hunting. No, don’t thank me, my dear chap—I shall be only too glad if you will go, as the horse I am intending [Pg 8] to put you on is a rank brute, and when he doesn’t refuse his fences—which is a rare occurrence—he invariably falls into them. ”

“ It does father such a lot of good to have someone to talk to.”
“I was delighted to come, Miss Brown, but I’m afraid I’m not much of a conversationalist.”
“My dear Mr. Green, don’t let that trouble you. Father’s ideal listener is an absolute idiot, with no conversation whatever, and I know he has enjoyed himself tremendously to-night! [Pg 44] ”
THE SOCIETY VOICE [A contemporary complains that most people in Society consider it necessary to address one another in shrill, high-pitched voices.] ”

“ Lady A. Oh, yes, here you are. “Mrs. Thrope, who goes everywhere, was in great good looks and her well-known magenta frock.” You’ll have to get a new one, darling, after that. “She was chaperoning her daughter, Miss Anne Thrope, another débutante, who was quite the beauty of the——” Well, really! What can it matter to [Pg 140] anyone whether Anne’s a beauty or not, poor darling!
Mrs. T. She did look rather sweet, didn’t she?
Lady A. What? Oh, ah, yes. Quite pretty, I thought. But to have it put in print like that for any Dick, Tom, or Harry to read! It does away with all the privacy of life. ”

“ Punch in Society” to the work of any one humorist, but have sought to present a collection of Du Maurier’s best social satires in company with those of many other artists who, in their individual ways, have also depicted the humours of social life. ”

“ Punch’s prototype of the immortal drama as “in Society”; but, however much our national jester may resemble in facial detail the somewhat rude and impulsive character from whom he took his name, he is in all his instincts a gentleman. In other words, it is just here that Punch has differed from most comic journals, being, if not absolutely from the first number, certainly from its early days, distinguished for refinement of taste and good manners, not less than for its wit and humour. “Mr. Punch in Society” is indeed Mr. ”

“ We all know the blameless A.B.C. tea patronised by country cousins after a hard day’s work shopping or matinéeing in town.
There is the institution known as a “high tea” (why high?) for those whose indigestion is robust enough to negotiate six o’clock beef and tannin from the pot. ”

“ His face quite reminds me, in the Jealousy Scene, of dear Mr. Irving in the last Act of The Bells. His suicide at the end of the piece, you know, is really quite too awfully clever. Isn’t it?
Edwin. You mean the throat-cutting affair, eh? [Pg 88] When he falls on his back and dies quivering, eh? O yes, awfully clever. It’s our turn, I think.
They walk through the third figure. A pause.
Edwin. Read any novels lately?
Angelina. Just read an awfully nice book, “The Law and the Lady.” One of the heroes is a monstrosity without legs, Miserrimus Dexter, don’t you know. Awfully clever. ”

“ Lady S. Tradespeople? They do, of course.
E. C. No, no. Ordinary people like us.
Lady S. Oh, well—but what makes you ask?
Lady A. Well, the fact is, Edith and I don’t like the way they will put our names in, and we were just saying that; and then to read a paragraph about that Mrs. Judesheim actually, and the whole thing seemed so vulgar, and we were wondering whether anyone really did pay.
Lady S. Oh, but my dear, of course they do, though only the Editor knows who. ”

“ Guileless Youth (under the impression that he is paying a graceful compliment) . “Oh yes. I suppose you wore them when you were quite girls. [Pg 136] ”
SOME EMOTIONS BUT NO MORAL
Lady Angleby (mother of pretty débutante) . Really! It’s positively painful. It ought to be stopped.
Elderly Countess (with no daughters) . Eh, what? Tooth hurtin’? Have it out, my dear. Or try mind healin’. It’s very expensive, but Susan Southwater tells me——
Lady A. Oh, Susan! She’s always got some bee in her bonnet. Though how any self-respecting bee could! ”

“ Lady of the House (to Bore, who generally calls just as she is about to go shopping) . “Won’t you let me ring for a little refreshment for you?”
Bore. “I think I’ll take a little something just before I go.”
Lady of the House. “Oh, then, do have it now! [Pg 120] ”
THE BRITISH PASSION FOR INEQUALITY.
Sturdy Briton. “It’s all very well to turn up your nose at your own beggarly Counts and Barons, Mossoo. But you can’t find fault with our nobility! Take a man like our Dook o’ Bayswater, now! ”

“ I’m told they’re dying to know us. Hadn’t we better call?”
“Certainly not, dear. If they’re dying to know us, they’re not worth knowing. The only people worth our knowing are the people who don’t want to know us!”
Breaking the Ice.—He. “I’ve got to take you in to dinner, Miss Travers—and I’m rather afraid of you, you know! Mrs. Jollibois tells me you’re very clever!”
She (highly amused) . “How absurd! I’m not a bit clever!”
He (with sigh of relief) . “Well, do you know, I thought you weren’t!”
A Subtle Distinction.—Jones (who is of an inquiring mind) . ”

“ What a swell! What is it? Tea fight? Wedding breakfast?”
“Oh no; only going to my tailor’s. Must be decently dressed when I go to see him. He’s so beastly critical! [Pg 124] ”
EN PASSANT
He. “That’s that ass, Bounderson, isn’t it? He should have been drowned as a puppy!”
She. “There’s time enough yet, isn’t there? [Pg 125] ”
Fair Girl (on sofa, to her neighbour during New Year’s Eve Festivity) . “How delightful it must be for you, Mrs. Featherstone, to hear all the dear Professor’s lectures!” ”

“ An Equivocal Compliment.—“I’m so glad to meet you here, Captain Spinks—and so glad you’re going to take me in to dinner.” (Captain S. is delighted.) “You’re about the only man in the room my husband isn’t likely to be jealous of!” ”

“ Ah, it’s no sinecure to be married to a man of genius. I often envy your dear wife! [Pg 110] ”
THE SOCIETY SWEAR [“Among upper-class women the use of bad language is awful; not only do elderly dowagers say ‘D—n!’ but girls of seventeen make use of that deplorable expression.”—A correspondent to the Daily Express.] ”

“ It was thus that to a vast public, of which only a very small proportion could be expected to possess any art culture, Du Maurier’s work appealed with irresistible force, his charming lightness of touch, his gaiety, which came no doubt from his Gallic origins, rendering [Pg 6] everything from his pencil a source of delight to the general public, no less than to the students of draughtsmanship.
Du Maurier’s connection with Punch began in 1860 and his earliest work displayed very little of that wonderful grace to which it attained before many years had passed, but Mr. ”

“ Thanks—strawberry, please.
[They retire into the Refreshment-room, with a view to getting cool.
“Noblesse Oblige.”—Old Friend. “Hullo, Dick? How are you? I wish you’d come and dine with me to-night. But now you’re a lord, I suppose I mustn’t call you Dick any longer, or even ask you to dinner?”
Noble Earl (who has just come into his title) . [Pg 91] “Lord be blowed! Lend me a fiver, and you may call me what you like—and I’ll dine with you into the bargain!”
Little Dobbs (who is a good dancer, but has let his partner down with a crash) . ”

“ In fact, most people will say that the sting, or rather a bite, is certain death. But be reassured, my good friends. In spite of this universal belief, I may say that, without expressing an absolutely definite opinion, I don’t think so!
[“Curiosity” tea disperses rapidly and in some confusion.
[Pg 161]
CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED
Jones. “Con-found it all! Somebody’s taken my hat, and left this filthy, beastly, shabby old thing instead!”
Brown. “A—I beg your pardon, but that happens to be MY hat! ”

“ Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong, what do I care!
Social Economy.—Mrs. Scrooge. “I’m writing to ask the Browns to meet the Joneses here at dinner, and to the Joneses to meet the Browns. We owe them both, you know.”
Mr. Scrooge. “But I’ve heard they’ve just quarrelled, and don’t speak!”
Mrs. Scrooge. [Pg 53] “I know. They’ll refuse, and we needn’t give a dinner party at all!”
First Genius to Second Genius. “Why on earth do you do your hair in that absurd fashion, Smith? [Pg 54] ”
TANGIBLE
Second Groom (waiting at tea for the nonce, and handing thin bread-and-butter—sotto voce) . ”

“ Jones. Now, Mr. Jones is good-looking, if you like!”
Adonis. “Jones good-looking! Come—hang it, Maria, Jones is a very good fellow, and all that; but I must say I’ve never perceived his good looks!” &c., &c.
[Pg 157]
Hostess. “I thought you were going to play ‘Bridge’!”
Host. “So we are, but they are playing ‘ping-pong’ in the dining-room, and ‘fires’ in the billiard-room, Jack’s trying to imitate Dan Leno in the drawing-room, and Dick’s got that infernal gramophone of his going in the hall, and they are laying supper in the smoking-room, so we’re going to the nursery! ”

“ The poor Markiss was so horryfied at his brillyant sucksess, that Charles’s sanguinery corpse aunted his bed-side, and he died within a month, a leetle munth, as Amlet says, of the dredful ewent, and Charles married his Widder. But, orful to relate, within a werry short time Charles was a sorrowin’ Widderer, with a nincum of sum £10,000 a year ”

“ She. “Oh, how do you do, dear Mr. Lyon. Have you forgiven me for cutting you at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night? I was actually stupid enough to take you for that horrid bore, Mr. Tetterby Thompson, whom you’re said to be so like. It’s a horrid libel—you’re not like him a bit.”
He. “A—a—I wasn’t at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night—a—a—a—and my name is Tetterby Thompson! [Pg 16] ”
SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN—IF POSSIBLE
Digby. “I had hoped for the pleasure of taking you down to supper, Mrs. Masham!”
Rigby. “Too late, my dear fellow! It’s the early bird that catches the worm! ”

“ That woman!
E. C. Well, who is it?
Lady A. Mrs. Judesheim! A whole paragraph about her and her diamonds. Her diamonds!
Mrs. T. Not the Bridge woman?
Lady A. Positively, my dear, though one would have thought after that last little exposé——
Mrs. T. Well, really! I wonder who they’ll put in next!
E. C. Anyone, my dear Edith—anyone who’ll pay. That’s the way it’s done. Susan wants to dispose of her articles, and, accordin’ to you, she pays, and in they go. Mrs. Whatshername has got daughters and she wants to dispose of them. So, she pays, and in they go. ”

“ I’m sure, if I’ve measured myself once, I’ve measured myself fifty times, and I can’t make ’em more than ten and three-eighths round the calf.... I know she’ll ask whether it’s three calves or one, when she sees me comin’ along ... rotten joke, too!... Here, [Pg 156] let me try once more—where’s that tape?... No, I don’t seem to spring to ten and a-half inches, anyhow, and I walked the whole length of Bond Street this afternoon, what?... ”

“ Bingo wires that all seats are booked for a fortnight at any theatre worth going to; Fanny Canterly is engaged to that ass Blinkers; I’ve a bill overdue on Tuesday; Hummingbirdie Belleville threatens an action for breach of promise; Aunt Genista hasn’t weighed in as usual; and some idiot has sent me a card with a robin on it, wishing me ‘All the Compliments of the Season!’”
A FRIEND IN NEED
Bobby Short. “I say—I can’t find my partner, Miss Wilson! Have you seen her?”
Tommy Long. “Don’t know her by sight, even! But, if you like, I’ll lift you up, and you can hunt for yourself! [Pg 117] ”
Mrs. ”