W. S. Gilbert

“ Streph. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much—it is too much! Iol. My son in tears—and on his wedding day! Streph. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the Law has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has separated us for ever! ”

“ Fairies threaten Peers with their wands. Peers kneel as begging for mercy. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her from him, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller. ”

“ She married a mortal! Fleta. Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal? Leila. Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the whole fairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal, dies! Ceila But Iolanthe didn't die!
Enter Fairy Queen.
Queen. No, because your Queen, who loved her with a surpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life, on condition that she left her husband and never communicated with him again! ”

“ A fairy Member! That would be delightful! Streph. I'm afraid I should do no good there—you see, down to the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my legs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division, they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see they're two to one, which is a strong working majority. Queen. Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned as a Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care. ”

“ You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been sleeping in clover;
But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the night has been long—ditto ditto my song—and thank goodness they're both of them over! ”

“ No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you. Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him—down to the waist. Streph. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to prison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my legs are working out seven years penal servitude? Iol. True. But take heart—our Queen has promised you her special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case before her. Streph. My beloved mother! How can I repay the debt I owe you?
FINALE. ”

“ He's an Arcadian shepherd and he loves Phyllis, a Ward in Chancery. Cel. A mere shepherd! and he half a fairy! Iol. He's a fairy down to the waist but his legs are mortal. All. Dear me! Queen. I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious than other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who is a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal. Iol. Nothing easier, for here he comes!
(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet. He does not see the fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.) ”

“ Chorus.
[Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.]
Enter Phyllis.
Phyllis. (half crying.) I can't think why I'm not in better spirits! I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger than himself!
Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.
Ld. Mount. Phyllis! My darling! Ld. Toll. Phyllis! My own! Phyl. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the two noblemen I'm engaged to? Ld. ”

“ The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the emergency. The thing is really quite simple—the insertion of a single word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall die who don't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your difficulty at once! ”

“ For your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you:
First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles—so terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.
Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick 'em all up in a tangle ”

“ Enter Lord Tolloller.
Ld. Toll. And now, my Lords, to the business of the day. Ld. Chan. By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has so powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me in a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper to select, and a noble lord has just gone to her cottage to request her immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself, have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this young person. My regard for her is rapidily undermining my constitution. Three months ago I was a stout man. ”

“ Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
Enter Peers from Westminster Hall.
Chorus of Peers.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament!
Running a-muck at all abuses. ”

“ The Law is the true embodiment
Of everything that's excellent.
It has no kind of fault or flaw,
And I, my lords, embody the Law. ”

“ If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as she has sinned, so have we! Queen. What! (Peers and Fairies kneel to her—Lord Mountararat with Celia; Lord Tolloller with Leila.) Celia. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses, viscountesses, and baronesses. Ld. Mount. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves. Queen. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll) the law is clear—every fairy must die who marries a mortal! Ld. ”

“ Lords Mountararat and Tolloller come forward.
Ld. Mount. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this condition. Ld. Ch. Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to confess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than any other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe! Ld. Toll. (without enthusiasm) . Yes. It's an enviable position when you're the only one. Ld. Mount. Oh yes, no doubt—most enviable. At the same time, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very sad. ”

“ Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm, or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the attention they deserve. Streph. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of evidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion? Lord Ch. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to my present distinguished position. ”

“ The House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And did it very well:
Yet Britain set the world a-blaze
In good King George's glorious days! ”