W. S. Gilbert

“ But here, on the Hot Cross Bun, it was “How do you do, my dear?”
When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl with a big big D—
But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns was a mild “Dear me!”
Yet, though they were all well-bred, you could scarcely call them slick:
Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely sick;
And whenever the weather was calm, and the wind was light and fair,
They spent more time than a sailor should on his back back hair.
They certainly shivered and shook when ordered aloft to run,
And they screamed when Lieutenant Belaye discharged his only gun. ”

“ There never was a nobler face!
“Oh, sir,” I said, “a fortune grand
Is yours, by dint of merest chance,—
To sport his brow at second-hand,
To wear his cast-off countenance!
“To rub his eyes whene’er they ache—
To wear his baldness ere you’re old—
To clean his teeth when you awake—
To blow his nose when you’ve a cold!”
His eyeballs glistened in his eyes—
I sat and watched and smoked my pipe;
“Bravo!” I said, “I recognize
The phrensy of your prototype!”
His scanty hair he wildly tore:
“That’s right,” said I, “it shows your breed.” ”

“ The morrow Gilbert boldly on the scaffold took his stand,
With a vizor on his face and with a hatchet in his hand,
And all the people noticed that the Engine of the Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw.
The felon very coolly loosed his collar and his stock,
And placed his wicked head upon the handy little block.
The hatchet was uplifted for to settle Peter Gray,
When Gilbert plainly heard a woman’s voice exclaiming, “Stay!”
’Twas Annie, gentle Annie, as you’ll easily believe. ”

“ I always droop my own—I am the shyest of the shy.
I’m also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns,
For modesty’s a quality that womankind adorns.
Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid,
My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid;
I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red,
For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.
But still in all these matters, as in other things below,
There is a proper medium, as I’m about to show.
I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try
To carry on as Peter carried on with Sarah Bligh. ”

“ Although a Frenchman stands before your eyes.
I’m Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores.
My Colonel will attack your camp to-night,
And orders me to lead the hope forlorn.
Now I am sure our excellent King Charles
Would not approve of this; but he’s away
A hundred leagues, and rather more than that.
So, utterly devoted to my King,
Blinded by my attachment to the throne,
And having but its interest at heart,
I feel it is my duty to disclose
All schemes that emanate from Colonel Jooles,
If I believe that they are not the kind
Of schemes that our good monarch would approve. ”

“ Knew Sir Barnaby Boo;
One of them surely his bride would be,
But dickens a soul knew who.
Women of Tuptonvee,
Here is a health to ye
For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your ears,
Women of Tuptonvee!
Here are old Mr. and Mrs. de Plow
(Peter his Christian name) ,
They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow—
Farming it was their game.
Worthy old Peter de Plow,
Here is a health to thou:
Your race isn’t run, though you’re seventy-one,
Worthy old Peter de Plow! ”

“ And Peter thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon
In making the acquaintance of a friend of Robinson.
At first they didn’t quarrel very openly, I’ve heard;
They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word:
The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head,
And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.
To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth,
And Peter takes the north again, and Somers takes the south;
And Peter has the oysters, which he hates, in layers thick,
And Somers has the turtle—turtle always makes him sick. ”

“ Until he reached the comfortable age of thirty-six,
May then for half an hour perpetrate a deed of shame,
Without incurring permanent disgrace, or even blame.
“That babies don’t commit such crimes as forgery is true,
But little sins develop, if you leave ’em to accrue;
And he who shuns all vices as successive seasons roll,
Should reap at length the benefit of so much self-control.
“The common sin of babyhood—objecting to be drest—
If you leave it to accumulate at compound interest,
For anything you know, may represent, if you’re alive,
A burglary or murder at the age of thirty-five. ”

“ And Annie answered, blushing in an interesting way,
“You think, no doubt, I’m sighing for that felon Peter Gray:
That I was his young woman is unquestionably true,
But not since I began a-keeping company with you.”
Then Gilbert, who was irritable, rose and loudly swore
He’d know the reason why if she refused to tell him more;
And she answered (all the woman in her flashing from her eyes)
“You mustn’t ask no questions, and you won’t be told no lies!
“Few lovers have the privilege enjoyed, my dear, by you,
Of chopping off a rival’s head and quartering him too! ”

“ For Captain Hyde does not confide
In any ’fore-mast tar, Matilda!
Beneath my ban that mystic man
Shall suffer, coûte qui coûte, Matilda!
What right has he to keep from me
The Admiralty route, Matilda?
Because, forsooth! I am a youth
Of common sailors’ lot, Matilda!
Am I a man on human plan
Designed, or am I not, Matilda?
But there, my lass, we’ll let that pass!
With anxious love I burn, Matilda.
I want to know if we shall go
To church when I return, Matilda?
Your eyes are red, you bow your head ”

“ At length, when four o’clock arrived, and it was time to go,
The carriage was announced, but decent Sarah answered “No!
Upon my word, I’d rather sleep my everlasting nap,
Than go and ride alone with Mr. Peter in a trap.” ”

“ A baby who is wicked at the early age of one,
And then reforms—and dies at thirty-six a spotless son,
Is never, never saddled with his babyhood’s defect,
But earns from worthy men consideration and respect. ”

“ With such an irresistible temptation to a haul,
Of course the sin must be infinitesimally small.
“There’s Wilson who is dying—he has wealth from Stock and rent—
If I divert his riches from their natural descent,
I’m placed in a position to indulge each little whim.”
So he diverted them—and they, in turn, diverted him.
Unfortunately, though, by some unpardonable flaw,
Temptation isn’t recognized by Britain’s Common Law;
Men found him out by some peculiarity of touch,
And William got a “lifer,” which annoyed him very much. ”

“ You spoke aloud of Robinson—I happened to be by.
You know him?” “Yes, extremely well.” “Allow me, so do I.”
It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on,
For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew Robinson!
And Mr. Somers’ turtle was at Peter’s service quite,
And Mr. Somers punished Peter’s oyster-beds all night. ”

“ And came, in course of time, to think that Blake’s own original line of conduct wasn’t so much amiss.
And now that wicked person—that detestable sinner (“Belial Blake” his friends and well-wishers call him for his atrocities) ,
And his poor deluded victim, whom all her Christian brothers dislike and pity so,
Go to the parish church only on Sunday morning and afternoon and occasionally on a week-day, and spend their evenings in connubial fondlings and affectionate reciprocities,
And I should like to know where in the world (or rather, out of it) they expect to go! ”

“ For that which we call folly here,
Is wisdom in that favoured sphere;
The wisdom we so highly prize
Is blatant folly in their eyes.
A boy, if he would push his way,
Must learn some nonsense every day ”

“ A sailor should be sick at sea,
And not a passenger may sail
Who cannot smoke right through a gale.
A soldier (save by rarest luck)
Is always shot for showing pluck
(That is, if others can be found
With pluck enough to fire a round) .
“How strange!” I said to one I saw;
“You quite upset our every law.
However can you get along
So systematically wrong?”
“Dear me!” my mad informant said,
“Have you no eyes within your head?
You sneer when you your hat should doff:
Why, we begin where you leave off!
“Your wisest men are very far
Less learned than our babies are!” ”

“ Beneath that fool Sir Berkely’s rule
Became a floating hell.
When first Sir Berkely came aboard
He read a speech to all,
And told them how he’d made a vow
To act on duty’s call.
Then William Lee, he up and said
(The Captain’s coxswain he) ,
“We’ve heard the speech your honour’s made,
And werry pleased we be.
“We won’t pretend, my lad, as how
We’re glad to lose our Reece;
Urbane, polite, he suited quite
The saucy Mantelpiece.
“But if your honour gives your mind
To study all our ways,
With dance and song we’ll jog along
As in those happy days. ”

“ That Joe looked quite his age—or somebody might declare
That Barnacle’s long pig-tail was never his own own hair.
Belaye would admit that his men were of no great use to him,
“But, then,” he would say, “there is little to do on a gunboat trim
I can hand, and reef, and steer, and fire my big gun too—
And it is such a treat to sail with a gentle well-bred crew.”
I saw him every day. How the happy moments sped!
Reef topsails! Make all taut! There’s dirty weather ahead!
(I do not mean that tempests threatened the Hot Cross Bun:
In that case, I don’t know whatever we should have done!) ”

“ When quite a boy they taught him to distinguish Good from Bad,
And other educational advantages he’s had.
“A burglar or garotter, or, indeed, a common thief
Is very glad to batten on potatoes and on beef,
Or anything, in short, that prison kitchens can afford,—
A cut above the diet in a common workhouse ward.
“But beef and mutton-broth don’t seem to suit our William’s whim,
A boon to other prisoners—a punishment to him.
It never was intended that the discipline of gaol
Should dash a convict’s spirits, sir, or make him thin or pale.” ”

“ Old Peter walks through wind and rain,
Resolved to train, and train, and train,
Until he weighs twelve stone’ or so—
And when he does, I’ll let you know.
p. 420OLD PAUL AND OLD TIM When rival adorers come courting a maid,
There’s something or other may often be said,
Why he should be pitched upon rather than him.
This wasn’t the case with Old Paul and Old Tim.
No soul could discover a reason at all
For marrying Timothy rather than Paul;
Though all could have offered good reasons, on oath,
Against marrying either—or marrying both. ”

“ MORE BAB BALLADS CONTENTS p. 214THE BUMBOAT WOMAN’S STORY I’m old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and work, and grief,
My eyes are gone, and my teeth have been drawn by Time, the Thief!
For terrible sights I’ve seen, and dangers great I’ve run—
I’m nearly seventy now, and my work is almost done!
Ah! I’ve been young in my time, and I’ve played the deuce with men! ”

“ She was just as strict as he was lax in her observance of Sunday,
And being a good economist, and charitable besides, she took all the bones and cold potatoes and broken pie-crusts and candle-ends (when she had quite done with them) , and made them into an excellent soup for the deserving poor. ”

“ Remarkably nice young men were the crew of the Hot Cross Bun,
I’m sorry to say that I’ve heard that sailors sometimes swear,
But I never yet heard a Bun say anything wrong, I declare.
When Jack Tars meet, they meet with a “Messmate, ho! What cheer?” ”

“ Betrothed they were when very young—before they’d learnt to speak
(For Sarah was but six days old, and Peter was a week) ;
Though little more than babies at those early ages, yet
They bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.
They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine,
When Peter’s good papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine)
Determined to endeavour some sound argument to find
To bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.
He told them that as Sarah was to be his Peter’s bride,
They might at least consent to sit at table side by side ”

“ And Peter in a tremble to the blushing maid would say,
“You must excuse papa, Miss Bligh,—it is his mountain way.”
Says Sarah, “His behaviour I’ll endeavour to forget,
But your papa’s the coarsest person that I ever met.
“He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young,
Before we had begun articulating with the tongue.
His underbred suggestions fill your Sarah with alarm;
Why, gracious me! he’ll ask us next to walk out arm-in-arm!”
At length when Sarah reached the legal age of twenty-one,
The Baron he determined to unite her to his son ”

“ Ta! ta! I’m afraid we shall not meet again”—
For the truly courageous are truly humane.
Brave Alum was picked up the very next day—
A man-o’-war sighted him smoking away;
With hunger and cold he was ready to drop,
So they sent him below and they gave him a chop.
O reader, or readress, whichever you be,
You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea?
O reader, or readress, read farther, and dry
The bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye.
That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes,—
It’s lowered, and, ha! on a something it strikes!
They haul it aboard with a British “heave-ho!” ”

“ And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew;
Down went the owners—greedy men whom hope of gain allured:
Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.
Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew,
The passengers were also drowned excepting only two:
Young Peter Gray, who tasted teas for Baker, Croop, and Co.,
And Somers, who from Eastern shores imported indigo.
These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast,
Upon a desert island were eventually cast. ”