W. S. Gilbert

“ Fred. Yes; I am deeply sorry for it. If it were not so, perhaps Mrs. Van Brugh would like me better.
Eve. Mamma does like you, dear. She thinks you are very grave and precise and methodical, but I am sure she likes you—or why did she consent to our engagement?
Fred. Because she loves you so well that she has the heart to thwart you in nothing. She is an admirable woman—good, kind—charitable beyond measure—beloved, honored, and courted by all——
Eve. The best woman in the world!
Fred. But she does not understand me. Well, time will work a change, and I must be content to wait. ”

“ You don’t dislike Edward, do you?
Fred. You know very well that I dislike no one.
Eve. I’m sure of that. You love all men.
Fred. No doubt, Eve, I love all men. But you will understand that I love some men less than others; and, although I love Edward Athelney very much indeed, I love him, perhaps, less than anybody else in the world.
Eve. But this is quite astonishing! Has Ted Athelney a fault? What is it? Come, sir, name one fault if you can. And mind, he’s my big brother, or as good, so be careful.
Fred. “Frater nascitur non fit.”
Eve. Oh!
Fred. I don’t believe in your amateur brother. ”

“ Mrs. V. B. What shall I do—What shall I do? If I refuse to publish my sin, this man will make it known to the whole world.
Mr. S. No; there you wrong me. That would be an unmanly act indeed, Miss Brandreth.
Mrs. V. B. Miss Brandreth!
Mr. S. That, I presume, is your name. Pardon me, but now that I know the truth, I could not conscientiously call you Mrs. Van Brugh. It would be a lie. For the future I shall call you Miss Brandreth, but—I shall systematically withhold my reasons for so doing.
Mrs. V. B. Mr. Smailey, think what you are compelling me to do. ”

“ My name a word of reproach in every household in the country; my story a thing to be whispered and hinted at, but not to be openly discussed, by reason of its very shame. My years of atonement held to be mere evidences of skillfully sustained hypocrisy. Myself a confessed counterfeit, a base and worthless imposition, a living fraud on the immaculate beings with whom I dared to surround myself. And Ruth—Ruth, to whom my heart opened—even Ruth has left me. Poor blind, wayward woman, you are of the world, worldly; your idol is shattered, and there is the end. ”

“ I read there the stony creed, “A woman who has once fallen shall never rise again.” So let it be. You are strong—for you have the world on your side. I am weak—for I am alone. If I am to die this moral death, it shall be by my own hand. They shall hear the truth. (Eve and Frederick have appeared at the door; she turns and sees them; they are followed by Dr. Athelney and Edward.) Come here, Eve; come here, Dr. Athelney; all of you come here. (Eve comes forward and kneels at her mother’s feet.) Eve, my darling, my pet—Eve dear, kiss me. ”

“ Exeunt Altemire and Palmis. Enter Mirza.
Mirza. Oh, Zeolide, I know what you would say.
Say on, dear Zeolide, and have no fear.
Zeo. Mirza, for three long years we two have been
As sisters are, and I would speak to you
As younger sister speaks to elder-born.
Give me your counsel, Mirza, it will be
As pure, as true, as honest as those eyes.
Mirza. If counsel such as mine can serve you aught,
’Tis thine, dear Zeolide. My sister, speak.
Zeo. With all my soul I love Prince Philamir.
A lady—good and beautiful and wise—
Unwittingly hath robbed me of my love ”

“ Enter Phyllon.
Oh, Phyllon! picture to thyself a town
Peopled with men and women! At each turn,
Men—wicked men—then, farther on, more men,
Then women—then again more men—more men—
Men, women, everywhere—all ripe for crime,
All ghastly in the lurid light of sin! Enter Selene.
Phyl. In truth, dear sister, if man’s face and form
Were a true index to his character,
He were a hideous thing to look upon;
But man, alas! is formed as we are formed.
False from the first, he comes into the world
Bearing a smiling lie upon his face,
That he may cheat ere he can use his tongue. ”

“ Enter Palmis.
Palmis. What? Zeolide in tears? Has Philamir
Been too emphatic in his vows of love?
Have pity on him!
Zeo.Palmis, pity me—
He loves me not!
Palmis.Indeed?
Zeo.He told me so.
Palmis. (relieved) . Oho! He told you so?
Zeo.Most openly.
Palmis. Then there is hope for you. Come dry your eyes;
When men are over head and ears in love,
They can not tell the truth—they must deceive,
Though the deception tell against themselves!
Here Chrysal comes— (astonished) a lady on his arm! Enter Chrysal and Azèma—he leaves Azèma abruptly on seeing Palmis.
Palmis. Why, Chrysal, who is this? ”

“ Ma’am, this is the most unprofessional moment of my career. No one ever apologized to me before. It is very unmanning. It is like having a tooth out. I hope no one will ever apologize to me again.
Eve. Have you brought us any news, Mr. Fitz Partington? I am sure you are here for some kind purpose.
Fitz. It is my fate to appear continually before you in the character of the Mysterious Warner of penny romance. Mrs. Van Brugh, once more, beware of Smailey. That abject man is going at you again.
Mrs. V. B. Has he not done with me yet? Can I be poorer than I am—or more unhappy—or more despised? ”

“ I’d give my sword—ay, and my sword-arm too,
If thou wouldst anchor for a year or so
O’er yonder home of mine. But tell me, now,
Does every cloud that hovers o’er our heads
Bear in its bosom such a wealth of love?
Sel. Alas! Sir Ethais, we are too few
To work the good that we could wish to work.
Thou hast seen black and angry thunder-clouds
That spit their evil fire at flocks and herds,
And shake with burly laughter as they watch
The trembling shepherds count their shriveled dead?
These are our enemies, sir knight, and thine. ”

“ Chrysal discovered with a drawn sword in his hand.
Enter Gélanor.
Gélan. Chrysal, alone! And with a naked sword!
Chrys. I’m waiting Zoram. I have challenged him.
He meets me here—the Avenue of Palms.
Gélan. Has he offended you?
Chrys.Most grievously.
You heard the words he used to me to-day?
Gélan. I did.
Chrys.Then blood must flow. I am a knight.
My knightly honor claims this sacrifice,
I’ve been insulted—one of us must die!
Gélan. You are a valiant man, if one may judge
By your demeanor.
Chrys. (very valiantly) .My demeanor? Bounce! ”

“ Smailey, is it possible that you are speaking deliberately? Think of any blameless woman whom you love and honor, and who is loved and honored of all. Think of the shivering outcast whose presence is contamination, whose touch is horror unspeakable, whose very existence is an unholy stain on God’s earth. ”

“ Mr. S. I will advise you. You have sinned, and must make atonement. There are witnesses at hand, let them hear the truth: whatever the truth may be, let them hear it.
Mrs. V. B. What witnesses?
Mr. S. Dr. Athelney, my dear son, Ruth Tredgett, and your daughter.
Mrs. V. B. (wildly) . No, no; not before Eve. You can not mean that I am to say this before Eve. Think, Mr. Smailey, what you are asking me to do. I am her mother!
Mr. S. I desire to press hardly on no fellow-creature, but it is meet that she should know the truth. Indeed, as a principle, truth can not be too widely known. ”

“ Exit Gélanor. Enter Palmis and Zeolide, Zeolide weeping.
Palmis. Nay, do not weep, dear mistress.
Zeo.Ah, my friend,
What comfort can you offer me?
Palmis.I’ve heard
That when one is oppressed with weight of woe,
Some solace may be found in dwelling on
The grief of one more sorely laden still.
Zeo. More sorely laden? Where will Zeolide
Find one whose misery outweighs her own?
Palmis. Your misery, though great, is but a grain
When balanced in the scales with mine!
Zeo.With yours?
Palmis. Yes; Philamir respects you. ”

“ Thou dost well to speak of that.
Can devils take the face and form of gods?
Are truth and treachery so near akin
That one can wear the other’s countenance?
Are all men such as thou? Or art thou not
Of thine accursed race the most accursed? [Pg 59]
Why, honorable sir, thou art a knight
That wars with womankind! Thy panoply
A goodly form, smooth tongue, and fair false face.
Thy shield a lie; thy weapon an embrace;
The emblem of thy skill a broken heart!
Thine is a gallant calling, Ethais—
Thou manly knight—thou soul of chivalry—
Thou most discreet and prudent warrior! ”

“ But when you imply that I don’t look the character I undertake to represent, why then, sir, you touch the private detective on the most sensitive part of his moral anatomy. I’m not a blameless character, but if I undertook to personate the Archbishop of Canterbury I believe I should look the part, and my conversation would be found to be in keeping with the character.
Mr. S. Pray, silence; oh, pray, pray, silence. You shock me inexpressibly. It is most painful to me to have to resort to your assistance. My son, my dear son, has engaged himself to marry Mrs. Van Brugh’s daughter. ”

“ It’s awful to think of the villainy a thoroughly badly disposed young man can get through in ten days in London, if I’m not there to look after him—come, sir, all your crimes, please, in alphabetical order—now then, A—Arson. Any arson? No? Quite sure? Come now, that’s something—Then we go to Burglary? Bigamy? No Bigamy? Come, it’s not as bad as I thought.—Why (seeing that he looks very wretched) , what on earth is the matter—why, my poor Ted—what is distressing you? I never saw you look so wretched in my life!
Ted. Oh! Mrs. Van Brugh, I’m awfully unhappy! ”

“ Enter Eve, who has overheard the last few lines. She approaches her mother quietly, and places her arms round her neck.
Eve. Mamma, you have many kind friends left to you; Dr. Athelney, who has given you a home; Edward and myself.
Mrs. V. B. A daughter’s love comes of honor. Can that love live without the honor that gives it sustenance?
Eve. Mamma, I am very young, and I know little of the world and its ways. ”

“ Mrs. V. B. At last! at last my punishment is at hand. And Eve—great heavens, what will become of her? Eve—who loves and honors me—Eve, my child! I mustn’t think of that. It will madden me. I shall want all my head for what is to come! If news of this—marriage of mine (with a bitter laugh) had reached my godfather, he would have described me in his will as Captain Van Brugh’s wife, and then I am lost, and Eve is lost. Oh, why don’t that man come. This suspense is terrible. At last! He’s here!
Enter Eve and Fred with Dr. Athelney.
Eve. Mr. Smailey has returned with the will. ”

“ The fairies conceal themselves. Hurried music; to which enter Sir Ethais and Sir Phyllon, hurriedly, over the edge of cloud, as if impelled by some invisible and irresistible power from below. Sir Ethais and Sir Phyllon have their swords drawn. They are dressed as barbaric knights, and, while bearing a facial resemblance to their fairy counterparts, present as strong a contrast as possible in their costume and demeanor. ”

“ Don’t think of me as a clergyman, if that calling is distasteful to you. Perhaps some day we may succeed in overcoming your prejudice. In the mean time, think of me only as a harmless old gentleman, who is willing and able to help you to earn your living respectably, if you desire to do so.
Ruth. Ah, I’ve come across the likes o’ you afore now. Three weeks agone comes a parson, as it might be you. “I’ve come to help you, poor fallen creetur,” says he; “I’ve come to tell you blessed truths, poor miserable outcast,” says he. ”

“ I have always understood that where marriage settlements of any consideration are concerned, it is customary to employ a solicitor. I can’t quote my authority, but, I feel sure that I am right.
Mrs. V. B. Old Mr. Smailey is an executor under Captain Van Brugh’s will, and his solicitor has always acted for me.
Dr. A. His solicitor! what, that queer little red-faced fellow who accompanies him everywhere?
Mrs. V. B. No. Ha! ha! ha! I suppose Mr. Fitz Partington is a junior partner, or head clerk, or something of the kind—at all events, his name doesn’t appear in the firm. ”

“ To adapt the words of the poet to Smailey’s frame of mind, “Revenge is sweet, especially on women.”
Mrs. V. B. Revenge on me! Through him, whom I have never injured, I have lost my home, my fortune, and my good name, and he seeks revenge on me?
Fitz. Mrs. Van Brugh, if it is a source of pain to you to know that your friends have cut you, it may console you to know, that in their strict impartiality they have also cut him. He is hooted in the streets. His windows are a public cockshy. Nobody is at home to him, and though he is at home to everybody, it is to no purpose. ”

“ Fred. Mrs. Van Brugh, I know not how to express my opinion of my father’s behavior in terms that would be consistent with my duty as a son. I am most painfully situated. Permit me to content myself with offering you my deepest and most respectful sympathy.
Mrs. V. B. Mr. Smailey, you speak very kindly.
Ted. And he means kindly, mind that. I’ll stake my life he means kindly.
Fred. Thank you, Edward; thank you very heartily. My father, Mrs. Van Brugh, is, I have learnt, a very hard man; a good man, a truly good man, but a very hard one. He is unaccountably incensed against you ”