W. S. Gilbert

“ At length the Hot Cross Bun was ordered to make ready to go to sea, and Little Buttercup, who couldn’t bear the thought that she might never see him again, dressed herself in sailor’s clothes, and presented herself on board, as a (not very) young man who wanted to go to sea. Captain Corcoran, who, as a matter of course, did not recognize her in this disguise, accepted her as a member of his crew, and when the Hot Cross Bun sailed Little Buttercup sailed with it. ”

“ Captain Corcoran’s sentiments upon this point were so right and just that one is more sorry than ever that he should have boasted, in his song, of being related to a peer. It is just one of those unfortunate little slips that one never can quite get out of one’s mind. ”

“ All the sailors muttered, “Shame, shame!”
“Dick Deadeye,” said Bobstay, “those sentiments of yours are a disgrace to our common nature.”
Dick shrugged his left eyebrow. He would have shrugged his shoulders if he could, but they wouldn’t work that way; so, always anxious to please, he did the best he could with his left eyebrow, but even that didn’t succeed in conciliating his messmates.
“It’s very strange,” said Ralph, “that the daughter of a man who hails from the quarter-deck may not love another who lays out on the fore-yard arm. ”

“ You would naturally think that the person who commanded the entire Navy would be the most accomplished sailor who could be found, but that is not the way in which such things are managed in England. Sir Joseph Porter, who had risen from a very humble position to be a lawyer and then a Member of Parliament, was, I believe, the only man in England who knew nothing whatever about ships. Now, as England is a great maritime country, it is very important that all Englishmen should understand something about men-of-war. ”

“ The crew, who had been carefully-8- trained by Captain Corcoran to sing more or less in tune, always opened the dog-watch with this chorus:
We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship’s a beauty!
We’re sober men and true
And attentive to our duty.
When the balls whistle free o’er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns all day;
When at anchor we ride on the Portsmouth tide
We’ve plenty of time to play!
By special permission of the publishers, Metzler & Co., Ltd. ”

“ In the first place, a young lady should, under no circumstances, fall in love with a young man greatly beneath her in social rank, and in the second place, no young lady should ever take such an important step as getting married without her Papa’s express approval. In this case, Josephine had distinctly promised her Papa that she would never, under any circumstances, let Ralph Rackstraw know even that she had fallen in love with him, whereas here she was, actually preparing to leave the ship with him secretly in order that they might be married! ”

“ A COUPLE OF MARINES MARCHED HIM OFF UNDER THE COMMAND OF THE SMALLEST MIDSHIPMAN IN THE SHIP
Sir Joseph had by this time somewhat recovered his composure.
“Now tell me, my fine fellow,” said he, addressing Ralph Rackstraw, “How came your Captain so far to forget himself?”
“Please your honour,” said Ralph, pulling respectfully at his forelock, “it was thus wise. You see I’m only a topman—a mere foremast hand—”
“Don’t be ashamed of that,” said Sir Joseph, “a topman is necessarily at the top of everything.” ”

“ Then buy of your Buttercup—dear Little Buttercup,
Sailors should never be shy—
So, buy of your Buttercup—poor Little Buttercup—
Come, of your Buttercup buy!
“Thank goodness, that’s over!” whispered the sailors to each other with an air of relief. You see, Little Buttercup always sang that song whenever she came on board, and after a few months people got tired of it. Besides not being really popular on account of her aggravating tongue, she sold for the most part things that the liberal Captain provided freely for his crew out of his own pocket-money. ”

“ He quite recognized the fact that his position as First Lord of the Admiralty of this mighty country rendered it undesirable that he should marry so obscure a lady as the daughter of a mere captain in the Navy, but Josephine’s charm was so overpowering that he determined to put his pride in his pocket and condescend to bestow his hand upon her. So one day he announced to Captain Corcoran that it was his intention to visit Her Majesty’s Ship Pinafore in order to propose for his daughter’s hand. ”

“ He ought properly to have been made a Greenwich Pensioner long ago, but Captain Corcoran was too kind-hearted to hint that Dick Deadeye was deformed, and so he was allowed to continue to serve his country as a man-o’-war’s man as best he could. Now Dick Deadeye was generally disliked because he was so unpleasant to look at, but he was really one of the best and kindest and most sensible men on board the Pinafore, and this shows how wrong and unjust it is to judge unfavourably of a man because he is ugly and deformed. ”

“ At this point Ralph descended the rigging and joined his messmates on deck.
“Ah, my lad,” said one of them, “you’re quite right to come down—for you’ve climbed too high. Our worthy Captain’s child won’t have nothing to say to a poor chap like you.”
All the sailors said “Hear, hear,” and nodded-20- their heads simultaneously, like so many china mandarins in a tea-shop.
“No, no,” said Dick Deadeye, “Captains’ daughters don’t marry common sailors.” ”

“ And, so singing, Captain Corcoran produced from his pocket a beautifully inlaid little presentation “cat-o’-nine-tails,” and, as he flourished it, he brought it down accidentally (but heavily) on poor Dick’s back. Dick, grateful for any attention, pulled his forelock respectfully and trundled off into the fore-part of the ship.
I ought to explain that the cat-o’-nine-tails is a cruel kind of whip with nine thongs, which was, at that time, commonly used in the Navy to punish badly behaved seamen, but Captain Corcoran was much too humane a man to use it. ”

“ This, of course, was not the case, but Sir Joseph, having been a solicitor, did not know any better.
“Well, your honour,” said Ralph, “love burns as brightly on the forecastle as it does on the quarter--112-deck, and Josephine is the fairest bud that ever blossomed on the tree of a poor fellow’s wildest hopes!” ”

“ I myself am one of the plainest men I have ever met, and at the same time I don’t know a more agreeable old gentleman. But so strong was the prejudice against poor Dick Deadeye, that nothing he could say or do appeared to be right. ”

“ It should be, of course, but it is not, and it may very well happen that some poor people have to go so long as two or three years without having any opportunity of improving their minds by seeing it performed. When we get a National Theatre, at which all the best plays will be produced at the expense of the Public (who will also enjoy the privilege of paying to see the Plays after they have defrayed the cost of pro-ix-ducing them) , “Her Majesty’s Ship Pinafore” will, no doubt, be played once or twice in every fortnight for ever ”

“ All the sailors referred to looked very hot and uncomfortable, for their consciences told them that-14- Little Buttercup had hit off their various weaknesses with surprising accuracy.
“Let’s change the subject,” said Bill Bobstay (he was the one who ate sugar-plums in bed) , “we all have our faults. But, after all, we’re not so bad as poor Dick Deadeye—that’s one comfort!”
Now this was very unjust on the part of Mr. Bobstay. Dick Deadeye, who sat apart from the others, busy manicuring his nails, was one of the ugliest persons who ever entered the Navy. ”

“ For a man is but a man, whether he hoists his flag at the main-truck, or his slacks on the main deck.”
This speech of Ralph’s calls for a little explanation, for he expressed himself in terms which an ordinary landsman would not understand. The quarter-deck is the part of the ship reserved for officers, and the fore-yard arm is a horizontal spar-21- with a sail attached to it, and which crosses the front mast of a ship, and sailors are said to “lay out” on it when they get on to it for the purpose of increasing or reducing sail. ”

“ Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree—
If your soul isn’t fettered to an office-stool
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule—
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen’s Navee. ”

“ He longed for “popularity,” and determined to acquire it at any price, and it is quite clear that, as far as the crew of the Pinafore was concerned, he had fully achieved his object.
“Hold hard!” said another of the crew, Bill Bowling by name, “we are not as humble as all that. Sir Joseph has explained our true position to us, and if he says that a British sailor is any man’s equal, why it’s our duty to believe him!”
“That’s right enough!” muttered all the sailors, except Dick Deadeye, who knew better. ”

“ Unhappily he had got it into his silly head that a British man-of-war’s man was a much finer fellow than he really is. He is, no doubt, a very fine fellow indeed, but perhaps not quite so fine a fellow as Ralph Rackstraw thought he was. He had heard a great many songs-6- and sentiments in which a British Tar was described as a person who possessed every good quality that could be packed into one individual, whereas there is generally room for a great many more good qualities than are usually found inside any sailor. A good packer never packs anything too tight ”

“ By this time he had been promoted to be Captain of the Pinafore; his wife had died, and he was left a widower with one daughter, the beautiful Josephine, who is the heroine of my story.
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From the moment that Little Buttercup learnt that Lieutenant Corcoran was a married man she determined, as a matter of course, to think of him no more, and, by a tremendous effort, she succeeded in banishing him altogether from her mind; but, now that he was a widower and again free to marry, all her old affection revived. ”

“ Captain Rackstraw proved to be a most excellent Commander, and was just as much beloved as Captain Corcoran had been, while Corcoran took up Ralph’s duties with enthusiasm, and became one of the smartest top-men on board. It is an excellent test of a man’s character when he resigns himself with cheerfulness to a sudden change from dignified-131- affluence to obscure penury, and I can’t help thinking that, on the whole, he was a very fine fellow. ”

“ Plain elderly people are just as hungry as young and pretty ones; and nobody ought to make any distinction between them. While Sir Joseph communicated his matrimonial intentions at great length to Captain Corcoran in his private cabin, the crew broke up and withdrew to the forecastle to discuss the events of the morning. ”

“ Lieutenant Corcoran (as he was then) commanded a little gun-boat called the Hot Cross Bun, and I should explain that a gun-boat, in those days, was a very small vessel, rigged something like a miniature ship, and was armed with one, two, or three big guns. Lieutenant Corcoran was then in the very flower of manly beauty, and all the young ladies of Portsmouth were quite as-77- much in love with him as Little Buttercup was. Of course, Lieutenant Corcoran scarcely noticed Little Buttercup—she used to wash for the ship, and he only saw her now and then, when she brought his linen aboard. ”

“ A third reason (and perhaps the best of them all) is that very young ladies and gentlemen find it rather difficult to follow the story of a play, much of which is told in songs set to beautiful music, and all of which is written in language which is better suited to their Papas and Mamas than to themselves. ”

“ After this pretty little ceremony (which might with advantage be more generally adopted throughout the Navy) , the officers and sailors employed themselves with a variety of easy little tasks suited to rather lazy people on a very fine warm day. Captain Corcoran (who was never idle) was about to retire to his cabin to arrange the figures of a minuet which he intended to teach his men to dance, when his attention was arrested by Josephine, who at that moment came on deck. The poor young lady was very sad, and sang a remarkably beautiful song of her own composition. ”

“ All these preparations were ready by the time the ship’s barge (which is a very large and handsome boat rowed by twelve sailors, seated two and two) was alongside, and in a few moments Sir Joseph Porter and his female relations stepped on board. The Officers saluted, the Marines presented arms, the drums rattled, the band struck up the National Anthem, and nine-pounder guns were fired from the middle deck.
Sir Joseph, who was quite as fond of music as Captain Corcoran, had composed these remarkable verses which he always sang whenever he went on board a man-of-war.
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Sir Joseph. ”

“ In the first place, many very young ladies and gentlemen are never taken to the Theatre at all. It is supposed by certain careful Papas and Mamas that very young ladies and gentlemen should go to bed at an early hour, and that it is very bad for them to sit up as late as half past eleven or twelve o’clock at night. ”

“ He means well, but he don’t know. When people have to obey other people’s orders, equality’s out of the question.”
I really believe that if the crew had not been re-54-strained by humane consideration, they would have pulled Dick Deadeye’s hair.
“Dick Deadeye,” said Mr. Bobstay, “if you go for to infuriate this here ship’s crew too far, I won’t answer for being able to hold them in. I’m shocked, that’s what I am, shocked.”
“Messmates,” said Ralph, who had been greatly impressed by what Sir Joseph had said, “my mind’s made up. ”

“ I attach little value to rank or wealth, but the line must be drawn somewhere. A-37- man in that lowly station may be brave and worthy, but at every step he would make dreadful blunders that Society would never pardon. ”