W. S. Gilbert

“ SILL. Well, Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of us here. How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on the original gods – don't you?
MER. Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sides of the question; you are certainly younger than the original gods, and, therefore, more active. On the other hand, they are certainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience. On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.
Olympus is now in a terrible muddle, The deputy deities all are at fault. ”

“ We know the fallacies Of human food So please to pass Olympian rosy, We built up palaces Where ruins stood, And find them much more snug and cosy. SILL. To work and think, my dear, Up here would be, The height of conscientious folly. So eat and drink, my dear, I like to see Young people gay – young people jolly. Olympian food, my love, I'll lay long odds, Will please your lips – those rosy portals, What is the good, my love, Of being gods, If we must work like common mortals? CHO. Of all symposia, etc. Exeunt all but Nicemis, who is dressed as Diana, and Pretteia, who is dressed as Venus. ”

“ They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle And dickens a one of 'em's earning his salt. For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder, Too nervous and timid – too easy and weak – Whenever he's called on to lightning or thunder, The thought of it keeps him awake for a week. Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot. When left in the dark he will quiver and quail; And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot, Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail. Then Venus' freckles are very repelling, And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes ”

“ THES. Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today.
MER. One year today. How do you like ruling the world?
THES. Like it! Why, it's as straightforward as possible. Why, there hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here. Lor', the airs you gods and goddesses give yourselves are perfectly sickening. Why, it's mere child's play. ”

“ It's very hard. As a man, I am naturally of an easy disposition. As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that my influence may not be deteriorated. As a man I am inclined to fraternize with the pauper – as a manager I am compelled to walk around like this: Don't know yah! Don't know yah! Don't know yah!
Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, in full Olympian costume, appear on the three broken columns. Thespians scream. ”

“ Now that you gods are too old for your work, you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympus – groom, valet, postman, butler, commissionaire, maid of all work, parish beadle, and original dustman.
AP. Your Christmas boxes ought to be something considerable.
MER. They ought to be, but they're not. I'm treated abominably. I make everybody and I'm nobody. I go everywhere and I'm nowhere. I do everything and I'm nothing. I've made thunder for Jupiter, odes for Apollo, battles for Mars, and love for Venus. ”

“ Don't let us be hampered by routine and red tape and precedent; let's set the original gods an example, and put a liberal interpretation on our duties. If it occurs to any one to try an experiment in his own department, let him try it – if he fails there's no harm done; if he succeeds it is a distinct gain to society. Don't hurry your work, do it slowly and well." And here we are after a twelvemonth and not a single complaint or a single petition has reached me. ”

“ JUP. I am Jupiter, the king of the gods. This is Apollo. This is Mars.
All kneel to them except Thespis.
THES. Oh. Then as I'm a respectable man, and rather particular about the company I keep, I think I'll go.
JUP. No – no – stop a bit. We want to consult you on a matter of great importance. There. Now we are alone. Who are you?
THES. I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres.
JUP. The very man we want. Now, as a judge of what the public likes, are you impressed with my appearance as father of the gods? ”

“ On mountain top the air is keen, And most exhilarating, And we say things we do not mean In moments less elating. So please to wait For thoughts that crop En tête-à-tête On mountain top, May not exactly tally With those that you May entertain, Returning to The sober plain Of yon relaxing valley. ”

“ Away to earth, contemptible comedians, And hear our curse, before we set you free' You shall be all be eminent tragedians, Whom no one ever goes to see. ALL. We go to earth, contemptible tragedians, We hear his curse, before he sets us free, We shall all be eminent tragedians, Whom no one ever, ever goes to see. SILL., SPAR., THES. Whom no one Ever goes to see. The Thespians are driven away by the gods, who group themselves in attitudes of triumph. ”

“ THES. Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it. The fact is, you are not the gods you were – you're behind your age.
JUP. Well, but what are we to do? We feel that we ought to do something, but we don't know what.
THES. Why don't you all go down to earth, incog., mingle with the world, hear and see what people think of you, and judge for yourselves as to the best means to take to restore your influence?
JUP. Ah, but what's to become of Olympus in the meantime? ”

“ Let all the ginger beer be extracted from it immediately.
JUP., AP., MARS. We can't stand this, We can't stand this. It's much too strong. We can't stand this. It would be wrong, Extremely wrong, If we stood this. If we stand this If we stand this We can't stand this. DAPH, SPAR, NICE. Great Jove, this interference Is more than we can stand; Of them make a clearance With your majestic hand. JUP. This cool audacity, it beats us hollow. (Removing mask) I'm Jupiter! MARS. I'm Mars! AP. I'm Apollo! Enter Diana and all the other gods and goddesses. ”

“ We do not want you. Don't distress yourself on our account – we are getting on very comfortably – aren't we, Sparkeion.
SPAR. We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the claret. What are lobster and claret compared with the society of those we love? (Embracing Daphne)
DAPH. Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing. Aren't you happy, dear?
NICE. (spitefully) You are quite welcome to my share of everything. I intend to console myself with the society of my manager. ”

“ That's always the way with beginners; they've no imaginative power. A true artist ought to be superior to such considerations. (Nicemis comes down R.) Well, Nicemis – I should say, Diana – what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?
NICE. Oh, immensely. It's great fun.
SILL. Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?
NICE. Oh, but I'm not alone all night.
SILL. But – I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but who accompanies you?
NICE. Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.
SILL. Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo. (Enter Spar.) He's the sun, you know. ”

“ I've ruled the world like a chap in his senses, Observe the terrible consequences. Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases, Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes, And sends us home in a mood avengin' In double quick time, like a railroad engine. And this he does without compunction, Because I have discharged with unction A highly complicated function Complying with his own injunction, Fol, lol, lay. CHO. And this he does, etc. The gods drive the Thespians away. The Thespians prepare to descend the mountain as the curtain falls. ”

“ If Thespis' people go on as they're going, Olympus will certainly go to the bad. From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it, All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk, A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet Couldn't find people less fit for their work. ”

“ MARS. Oh, story-teller!
Enter Thespians.
THES. My dear fellows, you're distressing yourselves unnecessarily. The court of Olympus is about to assemble to listen to the complaints of the year, if any. But there are none, or next to none. Let the Olympians assemble.
Thespis takes chair. Jup., Ap., and Mars sit below him.
Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that it is usual for the gods to assemble once a year to listen to mortal petitions. It doesn't seem to me to be a good plan, as work is liable to accumulate ”

“ Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace, While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit, Young ladies are popping all over the place. This wouldn't much matter – for bashful and shy men When skillfully handled are certain to fall, But, alas, that determined young bachelor Hymen Refuses to wed anybody at all. He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons, And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake ”

“ When Sparkeion turns to mortal, Join once more the sons of men. He may take you to his portal, (indicating Nicemis) He will be your husband then. That, oh, that, is my decision, 'Cording to my mental vision, Put an end to all collision, My decision, my decision. ALL. That, oh, that is his decision, etc. Exeunt Thes., Nice., Spar., and Daphne; Spar. with Daphne, Nicemis weeping with Thespis. Mysterious music. Enter Jupiter, Apollo, and Mars from below, at the back of the stage. All wear cloaks as disguise, and all are masked. ”

“ This craving for perpetual change is the curse of the country. Friday's a very nice day.
MER. So it is, but a Friday six months long — It gets monotonous.
JUP., AP., MARS. (rising) It's perfectly ridiculous.
THES. (calling them) Cymon.
CYM. (as Time, with the usual attributes) Sir.
THES. (Introducing him to the three gods) Allow me – Father Time – rather young at present, but even Time must have a beginning. In course of time, Time will grow older. Now then, Father Time, what's this about a wet Friday in November for the last six months?
CYM. Well, the fact is, I've been trying an experiment. ”

“ Why, whenever I open my mouth he jumps down my throat. It isn't pleasant to have a fellow constantly jumping down your throat – especially when he always disagrees with you. It's just the sort of thing I can't digest. ”

“ On some it has come as a serious onus; to others it's quite an advantage – in short While ev'ry Life Office declares a big bonus, The poor undertakers are all in the court! Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade is To make men and women impartially smart, Will only shoot at pretty young ladies, And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart. ”

“ SPAR. So she is, upon my life. Really, that seems very fair. NICE. You're my husband and no other. SPAR. That is true enough, I swear. DAPH. I'm his wife, and you're his brother. SPAR. If we go by Lemprière. NICE. It will surely be unfair To decide by Lemprière. (crying) DAPH. It will surely be quite fair To decide by Lemprière. SPAR. & THES. How you settle it I don't care, Leave it all to Lemprière. THES. (Spoken) The verdict!
THES. As Sparkeion is Apollo, Up in this Olympian clime, Why, Nicemis, it will follow, He's her husband, for the time. ”

“ THES. (to the gods) You observe, there is no deception. There are more than usual.
MER. There are plenty of grapes, only they are full of ginger beer.
JUP., AP., MARS. Oh, come, I say — (Rising; they are put down by Thespis.)
THES. Eh? What? (Much alarmed) Bacchus!
TIPS. (as Bacchus) Here.
THES. There seems to be something unusual with the grapes of Mytilene. They only grow ginger beer.
TIPS. And a very good thing too.
THES. It's very nice in its way, but it is not what one looks for from grapes.
TIPS. Beloved master, a week before we came up here, you insisted on my taking the pledge. ”

“ Stupidas endeavors, in pantomime, to reconcile him. Throughout the scene Prep. shows symptoms of breaking out into a furious passion, and Stupidas does all he can to pacify and restrain him.
THES. The best of a picnic is that everybody contributes what he pleases, and nobody knows what anybody else has brought 'til the last moment. Now, unpack everybody and let's see what there is for everybody.
NICE. I have brought you – a bottle of soda water – for the claret-cup.
DAPH. I have brought you – lettuce for the lobster salad. ”