W. Somerset Maugham

“ Serlo.
Well, look here, what I wanted to say is this: it’s no business of mine about the Archduke. You know, I don’t know much about royalty, but I don’t think a foreign prince is likely to marry the daughter of nobody in particular just because she’s got nice eyes and a pot of money. [Ethel is about to speak.] No, let me go on. You may be going to have a rotten time, and I just want you to know that if at any time you want me—well, you know what I mean, don’t you. Let’s forget that you’re an heiress, and I’m an old-established marquess. You’re an awfully ripping sort, and I’m just Ned Serlo. ”

“ I see Maria Jennings has got a lord with her.
Holland.
Serlo, isn’t it? I thought I saw him.
Withers.
I suppose you know they’re trying to hook him for Ethel?
Lady Wanley.
Good heavens!
Mrs. Withers.
[With a shrug of the shoulders.] As long as he’s a Marquess, and he’s that all right, Maria Jennings don’t mind the rest.
Lady Wanley.
I hope Ethel will refuse to have anything to do with him.
Rosie.
She’s a dear, isn’t she? I’m so fond of her, and she’s simply devoted to Lewis.
Lady Wanley.
My dear, do you never say anything against any one?
Rosie.
[With a laugh.] Seldom. Everybody’s so nice. ”

“ You will introduce me to your friends as the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania.
Holland.
What!
Lady Wanley.
But that’s a real person!
Jack Straw.
To invent an imaginary one would be ridiculous. Your friends would only need to look in the Almanack de Gotha to discover the fraud.
Lady Wanley.
But Count von Bremer was talking to us about him just now. The Archduke Sebastian is the man who mysteriously disappeared.
Jack Straw.
It’s because his whereabouts are unknown that he’s the safest person to choose.
Holland.
You would never be able to pass yourself off for an Archduke. ”

“ Lord Serlo comes up to them.
Serlo.
Hello, Ambrose. How’s life? How d’ye do?
Lady Wanley.
What have you been doing?
Serlo.
I’ve been lettin’ Jennings’ Patent Hardware stand me a lunch. My word, that old woman’s so vulgar she just about takes the roof of your head off.
Holland.
Why do you lunch with people you thoroughly despise?
Serlo.
Despise ’em! I don’t despise people who’ve got eighty thousand a year. They’re trying to hook me for their girl. ”

“ Didn’t you learn enough to tell the difference between an archduke and a waiter?
Vincent.
Serlo didn’t spot him.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Who’s Serlo? Fine marquess he is—spends all his time with stable boys and barmaids. How do I know he is a marquess?
Serlo.
Don’t mind me, will you?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Is there no one who can do something? And that man stands there as if he didn’t care a ball of worsted. Don’t you be too sure, my young friend. It’s your Royal ’Ighness this, and your Royal ’Ighness that. And we had to call you sir. Waiter, ’alf a pint of bitter, and look sharp about it.
Ethel. ”

“ Lady Wanley.
He sounds quite splendid.
Holland.
The worst of living with him was that you had no breathing-time. He’s a man with an uncontrollable love of adventure. Prosperity bores him to death, and time after time, when we’d managed to get out of rough water into smooth, he’d throw up everything for some wild goose chase. ”

“ Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, what is the use of getting violently excited about it? More especially as I haven’t yet proposed to the young lady.
Holland.
I think you must be stark staring mad. You don’t suppose for a moment that we shall allow you to carry out such an odious deception. I can’t imagine how you can even think of anything so heartless and cruel.
Lady Wanley.
It’s going too far. You must understand that it’s impossible. I beseech you to leave Taverner immediately. ”

“ Parker-Jennings is growing exclusive.
Lady Wanley.
But, my dear Ambrose, that she should have the impudence to cut me....
Holland.
[Smiling.] I respect her for it.
Lady Wanley.
I’m much obliged to you.
Holland.
I don’t think it does much credit to her heart, but it certainly does to her understanding. She has discovered that a title nowadays is not nearly such a good passport to the world of fashion as she thought it was. She knows you’re as poor as a church mouse, and she’s realised that in Society the poor are quite rightly hated and despised by all who know them. ”

“ I can see you fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the world so profoundly? ”

“ I wish I ’adn’t been such a fool as to ask Serlo to stay here. And it’s just like that aggravating girl. When I wanted Ethel to marry him, she wouldn’t so much as look at him, and now that she can have some one else for the asking, she’s with ’im all day.
Vincent.
Well, I’m for the bird in the hand, mater. The Archduke don’t look much like a marrying man to me.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t you worry about that, my dear. Every man’s a marrying man when he’s got a chance of a pretty girl with ’alf a million of money. ”

“ Your ideas are so beastly middle-class. You mustn’t expect a man like Serlo to do things like—like the people we used to know at....
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
That’ll do, Vincent. We all know quite well where we used to live before your father’s poor uncle was taken, and you needn’t refer to it. [Ethel shrugs her shoulders impatiently.] It seems to me that Vincent and I are the only ones of the family who know ’ow to live up to our position. [Jack Straw comes up with the coffee and liqueurs. Another waiter hands round the cigars. Serlo rejoins them.] [Very affably.] Come and sit by me, Lord Serlo. ”

“ And when it reaches London—you know how things go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you who won’t see the joke— [taking up the paper and reading] —oh, they’ll laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, you devil!
Jack Straw. ”

“ Holland.
Lady Wanley was telling me at luncheon.
Lady Wanley.
[To Rosie.] And are you enjoying yourself in London, darling?
Rosie.
[Enthusiastically.] Oh, it’s simply splendid. You don’t know what a treat it is to us to come to the Grand Babylon. It makes us feel so smart. And to-night we’re going to the Gaiety.
Lady Wanley.
[To Withers.] It’s very nice of you to be so good to these young people.
Mrs. Withers.
It’s a pleasure to us to see how they enjoy everything.
Rosie.
D’you know the Parker-Jennings are here? Isn’t it nice? They will be surprised when they see us, won’t they, Lewis? ”

“ Meanwhile Von Bremer has reflectively put an eyeglass in his eye, and looks round as he walks out. He catches sight of Lady Wanley, and smiling, comes up to her.
Von Bremer.
How do you do.
Holland.
You look as if you were just going.
Von Bremer.
I am. I had my coffee in the restaurant.
Lady Wanley.
What is the news in Pomerania?
Von Bremer.
None except that our Emperor is growing old. All these domestic troubles of his are breaking him down.
Lady Wanley.
Poor old thing.
Holland.
I suppose nothing has been heard of the Archduke Sebastian?
Von Bremer.
Nothing. We’ve given up the search. ”

“ Serlo.
I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score off you.
Jack Straw.
Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye in the place.
Serlo.
Well, the fact is—it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me—I happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off too. ”

“ I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera, where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. ”

“ Several people are seated, drinking coffee and liqueurs. At the back a flight of steps leads to the restaurant, separated from the winter garden by a leaded glass partition and swinging doors. In the restaurant a band is playing.
Two or three waiters in uniform are standing about or serving customers.
Ambrose Holland and Lady Wanley come out from the restaurant. He is a well-dressed, elegant man of five and thirty. She is a handsome widow of uncertain age. ”

“ Parker-Jennings come down the steps, followed by Ethel, Vincent and Serlo. Serlo goes over to talk to a flashily dressed girl at another table. Parker-Jennings is a little stoutish man, very common and self-assertive. His wife is of a determined appearance, vulgar, and magnificently dressed. Vincent is showy and aggressive. Ethel is very charming and very pretty. Serlo is quite insignificant. Mrs. Parker-Jennings comes down the centre of the stage, with her party, elaborately ignoring Lady Wanley’s table. Rosie gets up and goes to her impulsively. Mrs. Withers and her husband rise. ”

“ Jennings is the most amiable hostess. Don’t you think it would be nice if we took a turn in the garden, Mrs. Jennings? I’m sure Lady Wanley would like you to show her your roses.
Lady Wanley.
Mrs. Jennings was good enough to show them to us yesterday.
Jack Straw.
We have it on good authority that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. Mr. Jennings will show them to you again to-day.
Parker-Jennings.
I shall be very proud and ’appy to carry out your Royal Highness’s wishes.
[Jack Straw stands at the door for Lady Wanley and Parker-Jennings to go out.
Jack Straw.
[To Vincent.] Won’t you come? ”

“ Serlo.
All right, says noble lord, I’m on. Jolly nice girl, and all that sort of thing. Noble lord rather smit. Thinks if she’ll have him he’ll turn over a new leaf—give up everythin’ rotten and try and make her a good husband. Rather taken with the idea of double harness. He may look a fool, but noble lord knows a good thing when he sees it, and the young lady’s about the best thing he’s ever set eyes on.
Ethel. ”

“ Holland.
She deserves pretty well anything that your feminine spite can suggest.
Lady Wanley.
I can do nothing without you, Ambrose.
Holland.
Don’t ask me to do anything very disreputable.
Lady Wanley.
I’ve got her in the hollow of my hand, Ambrose.
Holland.
Well?
Lady Wanley.
Don’t you remember that story Adrian von Bremer told us about the attaché? Let’s try it on Mrs. Jennings.
Holland.
But....
Lady Wanley.
Oh, don’t make any objections. You must remember. He introduced his valet to a woman as a foreign nobleman of sorts.
Holland. ”

“ Von Bremer.
His Majesty is all eagerness to see you again. He is expecting a letter from you by every post. [He goes up to Ethel.] Madam, I am commanded by my august master to offer you his most cordial greeting.
Ethel.
Me?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I don’t know if I’m standing on my ’ead or my ’eels.
Jack Straw.
Then nothing remains but for me to make my declaration in due form. Mrs. Jennings, I have my grandfather’s permission to ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Breaking out.] But the man’s an impostor. He’s no more the Archduke Sebastian than I am. ”

“ Lady Wanley.
I can well imagine that nothing could be more respectable than to import eggs to Soho.
Jack Straw.
The head-waiter, who is an excellent fellow, with female relatives of his own, promised to overlook his absence if he could find a substitute. Pierre, like myself, is a person of somewhat striking physique and could find no one able to wear his clothes. He confided his distress to me, and I, knowing that his uniform would fit me like a glove offered, at once to step into the—breach.
Holland. ”

“ Serlo.
For the last month Pretty Polly had been simply turnin’ her back on noble lord, snubbin’ him right and left, and all of a sudden she becomes extraordinary affable. Hulloa, what’s this, says noble lord, and his little heart goes pit-a-pat. He may be a fool, but he ain’t a damned fool, and in a day or two he tumbles to it. So, like a wise man, he packs his bag and hooks it.
Ethel. ”

“ Parker-Jennings.
[With enormous satisfaction.] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. You can’t deceive a mother.
Jack Straw.
[With a start.] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it. ”

“ Count von Bremer coming.
Jack Straw.
Who the deuce is he?
Holland.
He’s your ambassador.
Jack Straw.
Of course, how stupid of me!
Lady Wanley.
[With a little scornful smile.] But he won’t come.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t you make too sure about that. He’s coming right enough. The British aristocracy was quite willing to ’ob-nob with the Parker-Jennings, but this duty foreigner wouldn’t be seen in the same street with us. And you all sniggered up your sleeves, because you thought you was getting a bit of your own back. But I’ve got ’im to-day, and I was going to fling him in your faces. ”

“ Lady Wanley.
Poor boy, he was so nice.
Von Bremer.
Good-bye.
Lady Wanley.
Oh, may I introduce Mr. Abbott to you. He’s your new Vicar at Taverner. And this is Mrs. Abbott. You must be very nice to her.
Von Bremer.
I’m delighted to meet you. I’ve heard wonderful stories of your good works in the parish.
Abbott.
It’s very kind of you to say so.
Von Bremer.
[To Rosie.] If you will allow me I should like to call on you when I come down to Cheshire.
Rosie. ”

“ Lewis Abbott and Mrs. Abbott (Rosie) . Jack Straw leaves Holland and Lady Wanley to attend to some people.
Lady Wanley.
There are the Withers. Why, they’ve got Rosie with them and her husband.
[She gets up and goes towards the Withers, who are honest, simple people, not distinguished, but good-natured and kindly. Lewis Abbott is a nice-looking, frank young parson. Rosie is very pretty and fragile. She is simply dressed.
Lady Wanley.
[Smiling to Rosie.] My dear, what are you doing in this sink of iniquity? I am surprised to see you. And Lewis! ”