A. D. Godley

“ But sorra step that Uncrowned King would leave the place, until
A ten per cent reduction he had got upon his bill.
Had I been there with odds to aid—say twenty men to one—
It stirs my heart to think upon the deeds I might have done!
I wouldn't then be telling you the melancholy tale
How Ireland's pride imprisoned lies in dark Kilmainham gaol.
Yet weep not, Erin, for thy son! ”

“ I have been a good deal distressed lately by the reverses of my friend John Bull, who is one of the leading tradesmen in this town. Everybody knows his establishment. It does a very large business indeed: you can get practically everything there—coals, Lee-Metford rifles, chocolate, biscuits, steam-engines, Australian mutton, home and colonial produce of every kind, in short. My old friend is tremendously proud of his shop, which, as he says, he has made what it is by strict honesty (and really for an enterprising tradesman he is fairly honest) and attention to business principles. ”

“ But I think you must see that a statesman like me
has a character moral at stake,
And must simulate doubt as to letting them out,
for my Saxon constituents' sake.
For their sentiments move in the narrowest groove—
be thankful you are not like them!
Mere murder's an act which they seldom approve,
and are even inclined to condemn:
When the patriot blows up his friends or his foes,
those prejudiced Saxons among,
It is reckoned a flaw in his notion of law,
and he is not unfrequently hung. ”

“ Does a vote belong to the man who possesses a vote?”
“Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to quibble, as usual.”
“It is only by dialectic,” I replied, “that we can arrive at the truth. And the wine belongs, I suppose, to the wine-seller?”
p. 40“It would seem so, at least.”
“Then when the wine-seller gets the voter’s vote in exchange for his own wine, they simply give each other what each possesses; and such a transaction, as you have said, is advantageous to both parties, and honourable, and not base at all.” ”

“ That he is not the criminal who sold the Bordereau.
Some hinted at another man, whose autograph it bore—
But this was Dreyfus' artifice, and proved his guilt the more:
No motive for the horrid deed confessedly he had:
And crimes which are gratuitous are nearly twice as bad.
They caught that Jew (did Government) and charged him with the sale;
They proved his guilt—or said they did—and shut him up in gaol;
And then, their case to justify and show their verdict true,
They took and baited every one who called himself a Jew. ”

“ I said. “I have heard indeed lately that he has said this—that if he and his friends should be elected to sit in the Ecclesia, he will not propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first consulting the citizens; and he has invited Askoïthios to do the same thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first consulting the citizens. Is that the dreadful thing?”
“So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely believe it: for it aims at the destruction of the democracy. But I can tell him that Askoïthios will certainly not do what he is invited to do.” ”

“ It is better by far to be free in a hovel
Than to owe for your rent in a palace of brick!
When the Saxon invader has rows with his tenants,
It's absurd to assert that it's nihil ad rem
To inflict on yourselves a gratuitous penance,
For it irritates him and encourages them. ”

“ For I remember when Phaidrolithos and his party were put in power many people used to come to those in authority and demand that they should now receive three acres of land each and a cow; and when they did not receive these things they were indignant, as having been deceived. And I daresay that when you are in power men will come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get it. ”

“ Hazarding ever the gains we have won—
Only perpetual flux can delight us,
Blown like a billow by winds of the sea:
Still let us bow to the shrine of St. Vitus—
Vite Sanctissime, ora pro me!
Pray, that when leaps in the darkness uncaring
End in a fall (as they probably will) ,
Mine be the credit for valiantly daring,
Others be charged with defraying the bill!
[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Exis" was transliterated from the Greek as follows: Epsilon (with the rough-breathing diacritical) , xi, iota, sigma.] ”

“ Bull owns a great deal more property than the actual premises where he transacts business. Somehow or other, in course of time he has become the proprietor of bits and scraps all over the town and suburbs—tenements, waste lands, eligible building sites, warehouses, and what not—the whole making up what, if it was put together, would be a very considerable estate. How it all came into John Bull’s hands nobody knows properly ”

“ Have nothing less distinguished than a Bronchial Catarrh!
O when your head's a lump of lead and nought can do but sneeze:
Whene'er in turn you freeze and burn, and then you burn and freeze:—
It does not mean you're going to die, although you think you are—
These are the primal symptoms of a Bronchial Catarrh. ”

“ They would meet—by accident, of course—just under his windows, and then Müller would say, very loud, to Dubois, “Is it not ridiculous, my friend, that this once apparently so mighty Herr Bull and his watchman should again by the Hooliganish crowd have been defeated?” Or perhaps, “This is what comes of your big businesses and your straggling premises with no one to protect them. How much better to have a small compact business (though it’s not so small either, mind you) like my Emporium, by a large number of properly trained watchmen defended!” ”

“ And does Balphurios also know what the citizens think about taxing Megarian imports?”
“Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and his friends) abhor such a plan.”
“Then,” I said, “no harm will be done there either; for the citizens, being consulted, will say what they wish.”
“But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens should be consulted. And that is why Askoïthios will not consult them.”
“Why, Phileleutheros,” I said, “are you not a democrat?”
“Of course I am.”
“And in a democracy do not the people rule?” ”

“ That captive took the soaring soul of Bach Beethoven Brown.
But ah! our Statues grovelling command their candidates
To satisfy examiners in Smalls, and Mods., and Greats,
To learn those verbs irregular which men of taste abhor,
Before you can a Doctor be or e'en a Bachelor!
O mores! and O tempora! can pedantry compel
Musicians who write choruses to construe them as well?
Is this (I ask) the way to deal with genius great and high? ”

“ Personal attention is indispensable to the true educator. But I must confess that I am somewhat dashed and embarrassed by the receipt of a request from Tomkins, a scholar of this College, that I should discontinue my daily inspection of his reading, as he wishes to have time to do some work: coupled with a letter from the Senior Tutor, who wishes to know if I do not think that a little more individual attention is advisable in the case of Tomkins. ”

“ Expansion is a nation's law—we've aims sublime in Greece."
With that Britannia blazed amain with patriotic flames!
They built a hundred ironclads and launched them in the Thames:
They girded on their fathers' swords, both commoners and peers;
They mobilized an Army Corps, and drilled the Volunteers!
The Labour Party armed itself, invasion's path to bar,
"Truth" and the "Daily Chronicle" proclaimed a Righteous War ”

“ I do not think I would be angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not be paid for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of voting for you rather than for Misogeorgos. ”

“ And the landlord and agent are nipped in the bud!
No Saxon may venture those precincts to enter,
He is barred from their portals by Liberty's ban,
And we boycott each other, each patriot brother,
And safely deride the Emergency Man.
Though the comfort exterior, perhaps, is inferior
To the homes you have left, on a casual view—
With its excellent moral no person can quarrel,
Morality's always the weapon for you. ”

“ And not only was injustice prevalent among those who were as yet in good health, but many of those in the ships, being or seeming to themselves to be sick, had their places taken by others accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice combined with experience of the others, was in reality less powerful than the language which those on the bank thought worthy to use concerning them. ”

“ And when we've found Home Rule All Round the only panacea,
The Welsh perhaps will all be Aps—the Scotchmen Macs as we are—
While Englishmen will sorrow then, in shame and degradation,
To think they've not the titles got which really make a Nation.
UNITED IRELAND "Here's your fery good health,
And tamn ta Whuskey Duty!"
Though Hibernians for long in dissension have dwelt
(As a dog that resides with a cat) ,
There's a bond that the Saxon allies to the Celt—
They are perfectly solid on that! ”

“ For your leaders of the Ecclesia, who are democrats and will not consult the people, and whom you praise, will ask the Nomothetae for their opinion three times; and when thereby they are quite satisfied that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it will forthwith become law. So that the conclusion is this: that the leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to do what they like without consulting anybody. ”

“ Far different our practice is, who reign by Methodology
And guide the dunce by precepts learnt from Landon or from Fitch:
'Twas difficult by rule of thumb to check unseemly merriment,
To make your class their pastor treat with proper due regard—
'Tis easy quite for specialists in Juvenile Temperament,
Who know the books on Punishment and also on Reward! ”

“ The University of Oxford, never backward in the march of progress, is prepared to make the requisite concessions; and, as a result, you will find that the highest honours are attainable without any acquaintance with the ordinary subjects of our curriculum. ”

“ In various ways do various men invite misfortune's rods,—
Some row within their College boat,—some Logic read for Mods.:
But oh! of all the human ills our happiness that mar
I do not know the equal of a Bronchial Catarrh!
PENSÉES DE NOEL When the landlord wants the rent
Of your humble tenement,
When the Christmas bills begin
Daily, hourly pouring in,
When you pay your gas and poor rate,
Tip the rector, fee the curate,
Let this thought your spirit cheer—
Christmas comes but once a year. ”

“ He is a most respectable man, and an excellent watchman, as was his father before him. It is a tradition of the Atkins family that they are as brave as lions, and do not know what p. 81fear is; but unfortunately they are not always very clever, and Thomas is a little slow at learning, and does not pick up new tricks readily. His father had a tremendous hammer-and-tongs battle with the Dubois’ watchman once, right in the middle of the public street—thirty-six rounds or so they had of it—and licked him, as John Bull says, in true British style ”

“ The agent said he'd take the half of all the rint I owed,
Because he'd be unwilling for to put me on the road:
I said, "I thank your honour, and in glory may you be!
But that is not the way," says I, "to set ould Ireland free."
They kem an' put me out of that, and left me there forlorn,
Beside the empty ruins of the house where I was born:
I'm indepindent now myself, and have no work to do,
Until the day when Ireland is indepindent too.
"A day will come," says Blarnigan, "when tyranny's o'erthrown—
Just hould the rint a year or so, and all the land's your own!" ”

“ Similarly, it seems p. 47to me, you are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the agent of your wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then tyrants and not your servants—if to make laws not according to the will of the people is tyranny. And you can punish the ecclesiasts by dismissing them after a time, of course; but you will only elect others who will be tyrants again in the same way as their predecessors.”
“But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent them.” ”

“ Than rent to call a legal claim, or landlord-shooting murder.
Yet why recount our ancient loves which now you turn your backs on?
The maxim old it only proves—you ne'er should trust a Saxon:
Deceitful still, his promised plan he docks, interprets, hedges,
And when he thinks he safely can, he turns and breaks his pledges!
True Celts despise the paltry baits wherewith you try to feed 'em:
What! offer your diminished rates to men who pine for Freedom!
On County Councils ne'er can thrive a People's aspirations,
No local Government can give a place among the Nations! ”

“ The reason why I said that this contest is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being possible to contend in a level p. 18place without danger or difficulty, the Oxonii nevertheless themselves make obstacles so as to prevent the horses from (not) arriving at the end of the course, neither being compelled nor there being any necessity (οὐδεμίης ἀναγκαίης ἐούσης) . Then, however, they did these things, and also, as they are accustomed to do on such occasions, they sent messengers to inquire of other prophets and also of the Delphic oracle who should be the conqueror. ”

“ This pastime is, I understand, a favourite one with some students of the college. It is practised, I need hardly say, under the very strictest supervision; there must be a certificate signed by the British Resident, and a special written recommendation from the Director of the Craniological Department of the Museum. Under such restriction abuse is, of course, impossible. Then, again, there is golf; and it is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides perhaps the finest natural golf links in the world. ”

“ The men of Homer's gifted line—the sons of Socrates!"
Britannia heard the patriot's plea, she checked her murderous plans:
Homer's a name to conjure with, 'mong British artisans:
Her Army too, profoundly moved by arguments like these,
Said 'e'd be blowed afore 'e'd fight the sons of Socrates.
They cast away their fathers' swords, those commoners and peers,—
Demobilized their Army Corps—dismissed their Volunteers:
Soft Sentiment o'erthrew the bars that nations disunite,
And Greece, in Freedom's sacred name, annexed the Isle of Wight. ”

“ You will sell all your works by denouncing the Turks,
and the public will hasten to read 'em,
When in reverent tones you are mentioned as "Jones,
the Defender and Champion of Freedom!"
L'AFFAIRE (CHAPTER ONE) It was a little Bordereau that lay upon the ground:
The Franco-Gallic Government that document it found,
And straightway drew the inference, though how I do not know,
Some Jew had sold to Germany this dreadful Bordereau.
'Tis all (they said) a Hebrew trick—-a treasonable plan—
And, now we come to think of it, why Dreyfus is the man! ”