Charles Macklin

“ Sid. Poor Charles! he little dreams that I love Constantia too,—but to what degree I knew not myself, till he importuned me to join their hands.—Yes—I love—but must not be a rival; for he is dear to me as fraternal affinity:—my benefactor—my friend—and that name is sacred:— it is our better self; and ever ought to be preferred;—for the man who gratifies his passions at the expence of his friend's happiness, wants but a head to contrive—for he has a heart capable of the blackest vice.
Enter BETTY, running up to Sidney.
Bet. I beg pardon for my intrusion, sir. ”

“ No Madam, Posterity shall never say such a wretched Performance as the Suspicious Husband had the sanction of Francis Canker.
Har. Then, Sir, your humble Servant—I am glad I know your Mind. Our Treaty ends here. (Going, he holds her)
Cank. Dear Harriet, stay! Why will you urge me to a Behaviour so contrary to my Nature? Consider, Madam, how ridiculous it will make me appear to the World. Why People will think me mad.
Har. You are mistaken, Sir; they will only think that your good Nature has at last got the better of your Envy. ”

“ Sid. What can this ridiculous creature mean by her dark walk,—her private spark, her kissing, and all her slanderous insinuations against Constantia, whose conduct is as unblamable as innocence itself? I see envy is as malignant in a paltry waiting wench, as in the vainest or most ambitious lady of the court.—It is always an infallible mark of the basest nature; and merit in the lowest, as well as in the highest station, must feel the shaft of envy's constant agents—falsehood and slander.
Enter SAM.
Sam. Sir, Mr. Egerton and Miss Constantia desire to speak with you in the china room. ”

“ Canker, I know nothing of the Matter because I did not like your Play; but I would have you to know, Sir, that my Lady and I know a good Play when we see or read it as well as you for all your Aristotle and your Cook upon Littleton, and all your great Criticks. (Exit)
Cank. Psha! an ignorant Creature, Mr. Heartly, your Servant; I'll go and see for the Ladies.
Heart. So you have nettled him, Mrs. Chatter.
Chat. O hang him, he can't abide me upon your Account and Miss Harriet's; a conceited envious Wretch; he will allow nobody to have Judgment but himself. ”

“ When you behold a Fool pleasantly exposed You are to laugh, if you please, not else;— When a Knave is Satyrized with Spirit & Wit, You are to Applaud;— and when Pasquin is dull you are to explode, which I Suppose will be the Chief of Your Part. ”

“ Canker.
Cank. Sir, I assure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool who mistakes Inclination for Genius.
Heart. Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for Judgment and Assurance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit, the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it. ”

“ Why, really, I do not think you would, Sir Pertinax, but one must be directed by one's lawyer, you know.
Sir Per. Hah! my lord, lawyers are a dangerous species of animals to have any dependance upon: they are always starting punctilios and difficulties among friends. Why, my dear lord, it is their interest that aw mankind should be at variance: for disagreement is the vary manure with which they enrich and fatten the land of litigation; and as they find that that constantly promotes the best crop, depend upon it, they will always be sure to lay it on as thick as they can. ”

“ Play, in its most Honourable Commerce, is a pernicious Vice, but as Luxury, Fashion and Avarice, have improved it all over Europe, It is now become an avow’d System of Fraud and Ruin. The virtuous and Honourable, who Scorn Advantage, are a constant Prey to the vicious and dishonourable, who never Play without one. nor does the Vice Stop here: For the Sharper having Stript his Bubble of his Estate, he next Corrupts his Mind, by making him a Decoy-Duck, in Order to retrieve his Fortune as he lost It. And, from an indegent Virtuous Bubble, the Noble Youth becomes an Affluent vicious Sharper. ”

“ How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by—by—by the instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration? ”

“ Har. Um—why you Men are a kind of Sharpers in Love; you lose trifles to us in Courtship in order to make us the greater Bubbles in Marriage; therefore, like fair Gamesters, let us play upon the Square by letting each other know what they have to trust to.
Cank. Madam, my Heart is open to your Dictates; write your own Laws in it.
Har. If you will let me write them in my Marriage Articles, Sir, I shall think my Obligation to you much greater.
Cank. With all my Heart, Madam. Name your own Conditions; I will subscribe to them.
Har. Generous indeed, Mr. Canker ”

“ I have often heard of the Gentleman, he is in great Esteem amongst Our best Critics abroad, and I shall make it my particular Study to merit his Approbation.
Com. Mr. Pasquin you have it already. I like your manner of exposing the Follies of the Public extremely. Your making the Theatre the Scene of Action, and the Censure and Approbation of the Audience the Chorusses to your Characters upon the Stage, is quite New, and very happily immagin’d. But now you have made us acquainted with your Characters. I think the sooner you throw them into Action and come to a Conclusion the better. ”

“ Sir Per. It is—it is.—Bid Constantia pack out of the house this instant—and let them get a chaise ready to carry her wherever she pleases.—But first send my wife and son hither.
Bet. I shall, sir.
Sir Per. Do so—begone. [Exit Betty.] Aha! Maister Charles,—I believe I shall cure you of your passion for a beggar now.—I think he cannot be so infatuated as to be a dupe till a strumpet.—Let me see—how am I to act now?—Why, like a true politician, I must pretend most sincerity where I intend most deceit. ”

“ O Lord, Madam, we Gentlemen of Ireland look upon ourselves to be the handsomest men in England.
Heart. Then you are an Irish Man, Sir?
Sir Pat. An Irish Man,—poh, what the Devil shall I say now? (Aside) No my Life, I am no Irishman at all, not I upon my Honour—but my Mother was one—and so I call that my Country sometimes out of a Joke—that's all—I an Irishman—no, no—no, I'faith you may know by my Tongue that I am no Irishman. ”

“ The first Character I have the Honour to introduce to your Highness is the facetious Bob Smart, a professed Wit and Critic; no Man knows the Intrigues of the Court, the Theatres, or the City better, No Man has a finer Taste in the Belle’ 18 Letters, for he is deemed one of the best Gentlemen Harlequins in Europe, and is an Emminent Orator at the Robin Hood Society. ”

“ These precarious turns of fortune, sir, will press upon the heart,—for, notwithstanding my Constantia's happiness, and mine in hers— I own I cannot help feeling some regret, that my misfortunes should be the cause of any disagreement between a father, and the man to whom I am under the most endearing obligations. ”

“ See, see, Sir Patrick and my Lady what pains they take to shew their Politeness.
Lady. And I shall be proud of the Honour of a Visit whenever it suits the Inclination and Conveniency of Sir Patrick Bashfull.
Sir Pat. Madam, je suis votre tres humble.
Lady. O dear Sir Patrick, you are infinitely polite. (Turning about to Heartly and Harriet) O Mr. Heartly, I am sorry you did not come to us; I pity you, you have lost such a Night.
Heart. I am glad to hear your Ladyship was so agreeably entertained.
Lady. Immensely! It is the highest Entertainment the Age has produced. ”

“ A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax.
Sir Per. Come, let us till dinner.—Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;—and then, sir—my cares will be over for this life:—for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.—But this match,—O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. ”

“ Why as soon as the Curtain is drawn up you will see the Stage disposed in the Form of a Pit, and that you are to imagine the Prologue, and when they let the Curtain down, why then you must suppose it to be ended.
Smart. I wonder what the Audience will say when it is over.
Snarle. What? Why some will stare and wonder what the Actors have been about, and will still be expecting the Prologue; others will chuckle at their Disappointment, and cry—they knew how it would be; and some will judiciously observe—what better could be expected from a Prologue to be written and spoken by the Pit. ”

“ Lady Rodolpha is come, sir.
Sir Per. And my lord?
Tom. Not yet, sir,—he is about a mile behind, the servants say.
Sir Per. Let me know the instant he arrives.
Tom. I shall, sir. [Exit.
Sir Per. Step you out, Charles, and receive Lady Rodolpha;—and, I desire you will treat her with as much respect and gallantry as possible; for my lord has hinted that you have been very remiss as a lover.—So go, go and receive her.
Eger. I shall, sir.
Sir Per. Vary weel,—vary weel;—a guid lad: go—go and receive her as a lover should. [Exit Egerton.] Hah! ”

“ Heart. Mr. Canker, this is most invidious Criticism and what the best Writers from Fools and Knaves are most liable to. But instead of injuring, it serves an Author with the Judicious; for it only proves the Copies to be so highly finished that Ignorance and Malice compliment them as known Originals.
Lady. I protest, Mr. Heartly, I think you quite right in your Answer, and if Mr. Canker has nothing more Material to offer against the Play, he will be very Singular in his Censure.
Cank. Pray what does your Ladyship think of his Ladder of Ropes? ”

“ Then, sir, I must frankly tell you, that you work against my nature; you would connect me with men I despise, and press me into measures I abhor; would make me a devoted slave to selfish leaders, who have no friendship but in faction—no merit but in corruption—nor interest in any measure, but their own;—and to such men I cannot submit; for know, sir, that the malignant ferment which the venal ambition of the times provokes in the heads and hearts of other men, I detest. ”

“ Sir Pat. Lord, Madam, there are not so hospitable and good natured People in the World.
Heart. I think, Sir, the Irish are reckoned very great Scholars.
Sir Pat. O dear, Madam, yes indeed, very great Scholars. They play Back Gammon the best of any Men in the World, better than all the Bishops in England.
Har. Then you have several good Poets in Ireland.
Sir Pat. Yes to be sure, Sir, there is hardly a Gentleman there but knows every one of the Ninety Nine Muses, and can speak all the Mechanical Sciences by Heart, and most of the liberal Languages except Irish and Welch. ”

“ Lord Lum. Sir Pertinax, ever thing is ready, and the lawyers wait for us.
Sir Per. We attend your lordship. Where is Lady Rodolpha?
Lord Lum. Giving some female consolation to poor Constantia.—Why, my lady, ha, ha, ha! I hear your vestal has been flirting.
Sir Per. Yes, yes, my lord, she is in vary guid order for any man that wants a wife and an heir till his estate intill the bargain.
Enter SAM.
Sam. Sir, there is a man below that wants to speak to your honour upon particular business.
Sir Per. Sir, I cannot speak till any body now—he must come another time;—hand—stay—what—is he a gentleman? ”

“ My dear Sir Patrick, give me your Hand! Thou art the top Critick of the Age, let me perish.
Nib. Ignorant Wretches!
Cank. Was ever Man so tortured with such Fools! (Aside) —I hope, Mr. Heartly, you will not offer to vindicate the Dialogue. There is not one Attempt to Wit all through the Play, but that about the Gravestone; the Characters all speak like People in common Conversation.
Heart. I thought that was a Beauty, Mr. Canker. ”

“ Nature has done hers: you are popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir, it only remains for you to be directed—completion follows.
Eger. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest filial gratitude.
Sir Per. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage—your liveries—your equipage—or your domestic establishment? ”

“ Poo, poo! That's foolish now. Why what has a Stage Play to do with Reason and Probability? If a Tragedy makes you laugh and a Comedy makes you cry, as Mr. Heartly said just now, what would you have more? ”

“ Your aversion! Look you, sir, I shall cut the matter vary short:—consider, my fortune is nai inheritance; aw mine ain acquisition: I can make ducks and drakes of it; so do not provoke me, but sign the articles directly.
Eger. I beg your pardon, sir, but I must be free on this occasion, and tell you at once, that I can no longer dissemble the honest passion that fills my heart for another woman.
Sir Per. How! another woman! and, you villain, how dare you love another woman without my leave? But what other woman—wha is she? Speak, sir, speak.
Eger. Constantia.
Sir Per. Constantia! ”

“ There was a Stile for Tragedy!
Omnes. Ha! ha! ha!
Smart. Well, I wish his Farce may succeed, however.
Snarle. O so do I upon my word, Sir.—I have a great Regard for Macklin—but to be sure he is a very egregious Blockhead ever to think of writing; that I believe everybody will allow.
Omnes. Ay, ay, there's nobody will dispute that with you, Mr. Snarlewit.
Snarle. Notwithstanding he is such a Blockhead, I assure you, Mr. Smart, I have an Esteem for him.
Smart. Do you know what Characters or Business he has in his Farce? ”

“ Sir Per. Conscience! why, you are mad! did you ever hear any man talk of conscience in political matters? Conscience, quotha? I have been in Parliament these three and thraty years, and never heard the term made use of before:—sir, it is an unparliamentary word, and you will be laughed at for it;—therefore I desire you will not offer to impose upon me with sic phantoms, but let me know your reason for thus slighting my friends and disobeying my commands.—Sir, give me an immediate and an explicit answer. ”

“ I can't speak—but your Uncle's alive—that's all. (Sets down a great Chair)
Shar. And that's enough to hang one, I'm sure.
Bell. Alive!
Lucy. Ay, alive, Sir.
Shar. This comes of your begrudging me my Snack of the Spoil, Sir.
Bell. Why I thought you saw him senseless and dead.
Lucy. I thought so too; but it seems while we were about the Will, Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary, came in and bled him in an Instant, which has unfortunately recovered him. He is within with him now, and one Councellour Cormorant who is come upon some Law Business to him—O here they all come. ”