Charles Macklin

“ Canker.
Cank. Sir, I assure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool who mistakes Inclination for Genius.
Heart. Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for Judgment and Assurance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit, the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it. ”

“ But most Writers are such vain, envious Coxcombs, and busy themselves so continually in the pleasing Search of other People's Faults, that they never have time to look into their own. For this Blockhead now, who has no more Imagination than a Dutch Burgomaster, because he can common place Corneille and Racine, sets up for the Euripides of the Age, and has the Vanity to prefer his sleepy, lumpish Tragedy to my Comedy which has that Viscomica, that fine Ridiculum of Human Nature which Caesar so lauded in the Greek and so regretted the Want of in the Roman Poet. ”

“ Har. Um—why you Men are a kind of Sharpers in Love; you lose trifles to us in Courtship in order to make us the greater Bubbles in Marriage; therefore, like fair Gamesters, let us play upon the Square by letting each other know what they have to trust to.
Cank. Madam, my Heart is open to your Dictates; write your own Laws in it.
Har. If you will let me write them in my Marriage Articles, Sir, I shall think my Obligation to you much greater.
Cank. With all my Heart, Madam. Name your own Conditions; I will subscribe to them.
Har. Generous indeed, Mr. Canker ”

“ See, see, Sir Patrick and my Lady what pains they take to shew their Politeness.
Lady. And I shall be proud of the Honour of a Visit whenever it suits the Inclination and Conveniency of Sir Patrick Bashfull.
Sir Pat. Madam, je suis votre tres humble.
Lady. O dear Sir Patrick, you are infinitely polite. (Turning about to Heartly and Harriet) O Mr. Heartly, I am sorry you did not come to us; I pity you, you have lost such a Night.
Heart. I am glad to hear your Ladyship was so agreeably entertained.
Lady. Immensely! It is the highest Entertainment the Age has produced. ”

“ Why as soon as the Curtain is drawn up you will see the Stage disposed in the Form of a Pit, and that you are to imagine the Prologue, and when they let the Curtain down, why then you must suppose it to be ended.
Smart. I wonder what the Audience will say when it is over.
Snarle. What? Why some will stare and wonder what the Actors have been about, and will still be expecting the Prologue; others will chuckle at their Disappointment, and cry—they knew how it would be; and some will judiciously observe—what better could be expected from a Prologue to be written and spoken by the Pit. ”

“ O Lord, Madam, we Gentlemen of Ireland look upon ourselves to be the handsomest men in England.
Heart. Then you are an Irish Man, Sir?
Sir Pat. An Irish Man,—poh, what the Devil shall I say now? (Aside) No my Life, I am no Irishman at all, not I upon my Honour—but my Mother was one—and so I call that my Country sometimes out of a Joke—that's all—I an Irishman—no, no—no, I'faith you may know by my Tongue that I am no Irishman. ”

“ My dear Sir Patrick, give me your Hand! Thou art the top Critick of the Age, let me perish.
Nib. Ignorant Wretches!
Cank. Was ever Man so tortured with such Fools! (Aside) —I hope, Mr. Heartly, you will not offer to vindicate the Dialogue. There is not one Attempt to Wit all through the Play, but that about the Gravestone; the Characters all speak like People in common Conversation.
Heart. I thought that was a Beauty, Mr. Canker. ”

“ So Harriet, you are come to see the last of the old Man—well I forgive you your Raillery today—come kiss me, Hussy, or I'll disinherit you. (Kisses her) You had better kiss me as a dying Uncle, Hussy, than a living Husband, for I shall give you to my Nephew—and now Gentlemen of the Black Robe, who protect our properties for us, the first thing you are to do is to fill up the blank in the Marriage Articles with my Nephew's name instead of mine, for he I fancy, he will be much properer to manage the young Lady's Concerns than me. ”

“ Poo, poo! That's foolish now. Why what has a Stage Play to do with Reason and Probability? If a Tragedy makes you laugh and a Comedy makes you cry, as Mr. Heartly said just now, what would you have more? ”

“ Heart. Mr. Canker, this is most invidious Criticism and what the best Writers from Fools and Knaves are most liable to. But instead of injuring, it serves an Author with the Judicious; for it only proves the Copies to be so highly finished that Ignorance and Malice compliment them as known Originals.
Lady. I protest, Mr. Heartly, I think you quite right in your Answer, and if Mr. Canker has nothing more Material to offer against the Play, he will be very Singular in his Censure.
Cank. Pray what does your Ladyship think of his Ladder of Ropes? ”

“ I can't speak—but your Uncle's alive—that's all. (Sets down a great Chair)
Shar. And that's enough to hang one, I'm sure.
Bell. Alive!
Lucy. Ay, alive, Sir.
Shar. This comes of your begrudging me my Snack of the Spoil, Sir.
Bell. Why I thought you saw him senseless and dead.
Lucy. I thought so too; but it seems while we were about the Will, Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary, came in and bled him in an Instant, which has unfortunately recovered him. He is within with him now, and one Councellour Cormorant who is come upon some Law Business to him—O here they all come. ”

“ Heart. But dear Harriet, now to our Affairs. You see there is no getting the better of this Fellow Canker; he has got the entire Possession of your Aunt, and she is resolved by Marriage Contract to give you to him this very Night. What's to be done?
Har. What's to be done? Why twenty things; I'll have the Vapours, Hystericks, Cholick and Madness rather than consent, and at last if my Aunt does persist, as I am afraid she will, why, like Jacyntha in the new Play, it is but providing a Ladder of Ropes and a pair of Breeches, and then the Business is done. ”

“ You are like the ignorant part of an Audience the first night of a new Play; you will have things brought about before their time. Go and take Possession of the Assets, I tell you, and leave the rest to the Devil and the Law. Get them on our side, and I'll engage you prosper in any Roguery.
Bell. Well, I'll go—but I see no glimmering of hope from it. (Exit Bellair)
Shar. Lucy, do you shut up all the Windows and lock up the door.
Lucy. That's impossible, for Mr. Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead are below with the Marriage Articles.
Shar. O the Devil! Then we are all ruined again. ”

“ There was a Stile for Tragedy!
Omnes. Ha! ha! ha!
Smart. Well, I wish his Farce may succeed, however.
Snarle. O so do I upon my word, Sir.—I have a great Regard for Macklin—but to be sure he is a very egregious Blockhead ever to think of writing; that I believe everybody will allow.
Omnes. Ay, ay, there's nobody will dispute that with you, Mr. Snarlewit.
Snarle. Notwithstanding he is such a Blockhead, I assure you, Mr. Smart, I have an Esteem for him.
Smart. Do you know what Characters or Business he has in his Farce? ”

“ Sir Pat. Lord, Madam, there are not so hospitable and good natured People in the World.
Heart. I think, Sir, the Irish are reckoned very great Scholars.
Sir Pat. O dear, Madam, yes indeed, very great Scholars. They play Back Gammon the best of any Men in the World, better than all the Bishops in England.
Har. Then you have several good Poets in Ireland.
Sir Pat. Yes to be sure, Sir, there is hardly a Gentleman there but knows every one of the Ninety Nine Muses, and can speak all the Mechanical Sciences by Heart, and most of the liberal Languages except Irish and Welch. ”

“ Har. The Wretch loves me, his Behaviour at least makes me think so; if he does, I will probe his Heart and raise such a Conflict in it between Love and Envy as shall soon decide which is his most predominant Passion. See here [he] comes; be gone. [Exit Heartly] He must not see us together.
(Enter CANKER)
Har. O Mr. Canker, your Servant; we are infinitely obliged to you for your Company at the New Play. ”

“ Canker, that I am a vast Admirer of the Belles Lettres as my Lady calls 'em, and never miss the first Night of a new thing—I am as fond of a new thing as my Lady is and I assure you she often takes my Judgment upon any new Play or Opera, and the Actors and Actresses. ”

“ It is severe Treatment no Doubt on't for your Piece stands in the first Class of Tragedy; it is written according to the strictest French Rules, and for the true Sublime as far beyond Shakespear as Banks is beneath him. But what signifies the Excellence of a Piece? Neither your Tragedy, my Comedy, nor your Mask can come on. The Stage is quite monopolized for this Year if this Thing, I can't call it a Play, is suffered to run. ”

“ You, and all of you who like this Piece—You are Men, Fops in Understanding, catch your Judgments from each other as you do your Dress, not because they are right, but that they are the Fashion, and you make as ridiculous a Figure in Criticism as an Ape in human Cloathing. ”

“ But if you think, Sir, that I have behaved in this Affair selfishly or unbecoming a Rogue of Honour, I will send in for Doctor Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit, for they are still in the next Room, and cancel the Will directly.
Bell. No, Rascal, you know my Love to Harriet will not let me consent to that.
Shar. This is just the way of the great World—the poor Rogues are Men of parts and do all the Business—and the rich ones not only arrogate the Merit to themselves, but are for running away with all the Plunder.
(Enter LUCY)
Lucy. O Sir!
Bell. What's the matter?
Lucy. Oh! Oh! Oh! ”

“ Irish. Who, me? Not upon my Honour. I know no more of it than he that made it.
Smart. A Gentleman was saying just before the Play was over that you were to be the Pit and to speak the Prologue; is there any truth in it, Sir?
Irish. No indeed, Sir, it is as false as the Gospel. I do assure you, Sir, I never spoke a Pit or Prologue in my Life—but once when I was at School, you must know, Sir,—we acted one of Terence's Tragedies there, so when the Play was over I spoke the Prologue to it.
Omnes. Ha! ha! ha! ha!
Smart. I remember your Face very well. Pray Sir, don't you belong to the Law? ”

“ While Macklin was capitalizing on the popularity of a new play, he also, in THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, gave ironic portraits of rival playwrights who damned a play out of envy (note the subtitle, THE PLAGUE OF ENVY) for such trivial faults as the use of suspicious instead of jealous in the title, or for the lacing of Ranger's hat. Macklin's satiric portraits of such envious scribblers who were ready to attack any new author in Journals, Epigrams, and Pamphlets are lively records of mid-eighteenth century subjective criticism. ”

“ I shall not marry any Man who dares refuse to comply with these Articles—So, Sir, if you think well of them, I desire you will give me an Instance of your Obedience and Sincerity by going with me to the new Comedy tomorrow Night, and publickly expressing the highest Applause at it. ”

“ Smart. Hiss, Mr. Snarlewit, we have Room for you here, if you will come and set by us; do you know Snarlewit, Dick?
Rattle. He is a devilish odd Fellow; he is one that never speaks well of any Man behind his back nor ill of him to his Face and is a most terrible Critick.
(SNARLEWIT steps over the Benches and sits down between RATTLE and SMART)
Snarle. Mr. Smart, your Servant. How do you do, Mr. Rattle? What, you are come to hear the Pit speak the Prologue, I suppose. Ha! Macklin's fine Conceit.
Smart. Ay, we are so; do you know anything of it?
Snarle. Psha! psha! a parcel of Stuff! ”

“ Trif. Nay don't say that, Nick—because if you do I must laugh at you. Why all the World admires his Dress. That is thought one of the best things in the Play.
Nib. Well now I will mention a Criticism which I defy the warmest of Words to defend.
Trif. Well, prithee what's that, Nibble?
Nib. Why you know Ranger's hat is laced; that I think you must allow; that is obvious to everybody. ”

“ But pray, Ladies—I speak to you in particular, who best know the Nature of the Question I am going to ask—how can you justify the impoliteness of making Clarinda, a Lady of Fashion and Fortune, in full dress trudge the streets at twelve o'Clock at Night in Contradiction to all Reason, Probability, and Politeness? ”

“ For my Part I assure you I never could understand Milton.
Sir Pat. Nor I, upon my Honour, Mr. Trifle—tho' I admire him greatly, him and Shakespear are my Favourites, but I could never understand them.
Trif. O Shakespear—old Shakespear—O Shakespear is a clever Fellow, ay, ay,—I admire Shakespear to the Skies—I understand him very well, Sir Patrick.
Lady. Mr. Canker, finding fault in general is unfair. ”

“ Canker objects to the escapes, scenes in the dark, and the rope ladder, though the young lovers, Heartly and Harriet in Macklin's afterpiece, vow the ladder is a device they themselves will use if Harriet is forced by her aunt to marry Canker. Again an Irishman, Sir Patrick Bashfull, enlivens the farce by his pretense of being a Frenchman, Fitzbashfull, "of Irish distraction." Bashfull's literal criticism of Hoadly's play serves as a good foil for the carping criticism of the envious playwrights: Plagiary, Grubwit, and Canker; or the nonsense of the foolish critics: Nibble and Trifle. ”