John Arbuthnot

“ Impossible Sir; but I have an eminent physician now in the house, he shall consult. Doctor Lubomirski, here is a person in a most violent cephalalgy, a terrible case!
Enter Plotwell.
Foss. Feel his pulse. [Plotwell feels it.] You feel it, Sir, strong, hard and labouring.
Plot. Great plenitude, Sir.
Foss. Feel his belly, Sir; a great tension and heat of the abdomen—A hearty man, his muscles are torose; how soon are the strongest humbled by diseases! let us retire, and consult. ”

“ There lives not a more sober, chaste, and virtuous person than doctor Fossile.
Town. Then why this disguise? [169]
Foss, Since it must come out; ha, ha, ha, only a frolick on my wedding day between Hugh and I. We had a mind to exhibit a little mummery.
Clink. What joy arises in my soul to see my uncle in a dramatick character! Since your humour lead you to the drama, uncle, why would you not consult a relative muse in your own family? I have always used you as my physician; and why should not you use me as your poet?
Foss, Prithee, dear, leave me a moment. This is a scandal to my gravity. ”

“ One may shut up volatile spirits, pen up the air, confine bears, lyons and tygers, nay, keep even your gold: but a wanton wife, who can keep?
Enter Townley.
Town. Mrs. Clinket's play is to be read this morning at the tea-table: will you come and divert yourself, Sir?
Foss. No: I want to be alone.
Town. I hope my company is not troublesome already. I am as yet a bride; not a wife. [sighs.] What means this sudden change? [Aside.] Consider, Mr. Fossile, you want your natural rest: the bed would refresh you. Let me sit by you. ”

“ Exit Fossile.
Town. Plotwell's letter had like to have ruin'd me. 'Twas a neglect in me, not to intrust him with the secret of my marriage. A jealous bridegroom! every poison has its antidote; as credulity is the cause, so it shall be the cure of his jealousy. To morrow I must be spirited away into the country; I'll immediately let Plotwell know of my distress: and this little time with opportunity, even on his wedding-day, shall finish him a compleat husband. Intrigue assist me! and I'll act a revenge that might have been worthy the most celebrated wife in Boccace. ”

“ I have often warned you, madam, against this superfluity of gallants; you ought at least to have clear'd all mortgages upon your person before you leas'd it out for life. Then, besides Plotwell, you are every moment in danger of Underplot, who attends on Plotwell like his shadow; he is unlucky enough to stumble upon your husband, and then I'm sure his shatterbrains would undo us at once.
Town. Thy wit and industry, Sarsnet, must help me out. To day is mine, to morrow is my husband's. ”

“ Fos. Sweetly, Horace. Nunquam satis, and so forth. A man can never be too cautious. Madam, sit down by me. Pray how long is it since you and I have been married?
Town. Near three hours, Sir.
Fos. And what anxieties has this time produc'd? the dangers of divorce! calumniatory letters! lewd fellows introduc'd by my niece! groundless jealousies on both sides! even thy virginity put to the touch-stone! but this last danger I plung'd thee in myself; to leave thee in the room with two such robust young fellows.
Town. Ay, with two young fellows! but my dear, I know you did it ignorantly. ”

“ What they wrote happens to conform to the current rules in one respect—to paraphrase the epilogue to Love's Last Shift, no cuckold is made within the limits of its three hours' time span—but this compliance must have been accidental, for in every other respect the play deliberately flouts the regulations as established by Collier and his school. Obviously the authors were out to create a sensation: shock the stodgy and respectable element, jam the play down the throats of the audience, and win the admiration of the minority with whom libertine wit was still in favor. ”

“ They are call'd the touch-stone of virginity. The males administer it to the brides on their wedding-day; and by its virtue have ascertain'd the honour of the Fossiles from generation to generation. There are family customs, which it is almost impious to neglect.
Town. Had you married a person of doubtful reputation——But me, Mr. Fossile!
Foss. I did not indeed suspect thee. But my mother obliged me to this experiment with her dying words—My wife is chaste: And to preserve her so, 'tis necessary that I have none but chaste servants about her. ”

“ New COMEDY, &c. To Sir H. M.
My Friend,
You have sent me a long letter to persuade me to an undertaking I cannot think myself capable of executing; therefore, I must call it worse to me than an Egyptian bondage! My frequenting the Theatre (you say) I make my favourite amusement—I confess it—I think it a rational, instructive, and most pleasurable one, of all those this great city affords: Where can a man pass three hours of his idle time better? however, I never enter the house as a critick, and therefore find myself unequal to the task you have imposed upon me ”

“ Town. Keep both of you your shapes, and we are in no fear of a surprize from the doctor: If you uncase, his presence would undo us. Sure never was any thing so unlucky—I hear his foot-steps; quick to your posts.
[Mummy and Crocodile run to their places.
[188]
Enter Fossile, Dr. Nautilus, and Dr. Possum.
Naut. Much joy to the learned Dr. Fossile. To have a mummy, an alligator, and a wife, all in one day, is too great happiness for mortal man!
Poss. This an alligator! Alack a day, brother Nautilus, this is a mere lizard, an eft, a shrimp to mine. ”

“ Hugh, go, wait at the door.
[Exit Hugh.
Plotw. This disguise gives spirit to my intrigue. Certainly I am the first person that ever enjoy'd a bride without the scandal of matrimony.
Town. I have a different relish, Mr. Plotwell, for now I can't abide you, you are so like my husband.
Plotw. Underplot, I defy thee. I have laid the wager, and now I hold the stakes.
Town. Opportunity Mr. Potwell, has been the downfall of much virtue.
[As he is leading her off, enter Hugh.
[170]
Hugh. Ah, madam! the doctor! the doctor!
Exit Hugh.
Plot. Fear nothing. I'll stand it. I have my part ready. ”

“ I glory in the fertility of my invention the more, that it is beyond the imagination of a pagan deity. Besides, it is form'd upon the vraysemblance; for I know you had a mummy and a crocodile to be brought home.
Fos. Dr. Nautilus is an infirm tender gentleman; I wish the sudden concussion of his animal spirits may not kindle him into a fever. I myself, I must confess, have an extreme palpitation.
Clink. Dear uncle, be pacified. We are both of us the votaries of our great master Appollo. To you he has assign'd the art of healing: Me he has taught to sing ”

“ Plotwell.
[Kisses Plotwell.
Plot. I don't find in Aristotle any precept against killing.
Clink. Yet I would not stand upon the brink of an indecorum.
Plot. True, madam, the finishing stroke of love and revenge should never shock the eyes of an audience. But I look upon a kiss in a comedy to be upon a par with a box on the ear in a tragedy, which is frequently given and taken by your best authors. [152]
Clink. Mighty just! for a lady can no more put up a kiss than a gentleman a box on the ear.
Take my muse, Sir, into your protection [Gives him her play] the players I see are here. ”

“ A wife thou didst not want; thou hast none. But thou art caressing a child that is not thy own. What then? a thousand, and a thousand husbands are doing the same thing this very instant; and the knowledge of truth is desirable, and makes thy case the better, What signifies whether a man beget his child or not? How rediculous is the act itself, said the great emperor Antoninus! I now look upon myself as a Roman citizen; it is better that the father should adopt the child, than that the wife should adopt the father.
[Exit Fossile.
[204]
EPILOGUE. ”

“ Fossile and Townley come forward.
What feast for fish! Oh too luxurious treat!
When hungry dolphins feed on butchers meat.
Foss. Niece, why niece, niece? oh, Melpomene, thou goddess of tragedy, suspend thy influence for a [143] moment, and suffer my niece to give me a rational answer. This lady is a friend of mine; her present circumstances oblige her to take sanctuary in my house; treat her with the utmost civility. Let the tea-table be made ready. ”

“ Is the mystery of all these letters nothing but the revenge of a disappointed lover? The hand and seal are just the same with the Welchman's that I intercepted a while ago. Truly, these Welch are a hot revengeful people. My wife may be virtuous; she may not. Prevention is the safest method with diseases and intrigues. Women are wanton, husbands weak, bawds busy, opportunities dangerous, gallants eager; therefore it behoves honest men to be watchful. ”

“ Fos. [reads.] 'Know, cruel woman, I have discovered the secret of your marriage; you shall have all the plague of a jealous husband, without the pleasure of giving him cause. I have this morning counterfeited billetdoux and letters from bawds; nay, I have sent pimps; some of which, I hope, are fallen into your old coxcomb's hands. If you deny me the pleasure of tipping him a real cuckold, at least, I'll have the resentment to make him an imaginary one. Know that this is not the hundredth part of the revenge that shall be executed upon thee, by
R. P.'
Town. ”

“ Clink. A man of Deucalion's quality might have travelled beyond the Mediteranean, and so your objection is answered. Observe, Sir Tremendous, the tenderness of Otway, in this answer of Pyrrha. [157]
————— Why do the stays
Taper my waist, but for thy circling arms?
Sir Trem. Ah! Anachronisms! Stays are a modern habit, and the whole scene is monstrous, and against the rules of tragedy.
Plot. I submit Sir,—out with it.
Clink. Were the play mine, you should gash my flesh, mangle my face, any thing sooner than scratch my play. ”

“ ACT II. Plotwell, Townley, Clinket, with Sir Tremendous and two Players, discovered seated round a Table.
Plot. Gentlemen, this lady who smiles on my performances, has permitted me to introduce you and my tragedy to her tea-table.
Clink. Gentlemen, you do me honour.
1st Play. Suffer us, Sir, to recommend to your acquaintance, the famous Sir Tremendous, the greatest critick of our age.
Plot. Sir Tremendous, I rejoice at your presence; though no lady that has an antipathy, so sweats at a cat as some authors at a critick. ”

“ He and Underplot are simply gentlemen who spend so much of their time in intrigues in real life that they would have no time for play-writing. [5] In the part of Three Hours that has led scholars down this false path—the scene in which the manuscript is judged by Sir Tremendous and the players—it must be kept in mind that the actual author of the work being dismembered is Phoebe Clinket, not Plotwell, who, since he is merely fronting for her, is enabled to meet such strictures as "Between you and I, this gentleman knows nothing of poetry" with perfect sang-froid ”

“ How like a truth sounds a lye from the tongue of a fine woman.
[Aside.
Clink. This, Madam, is Mr. Plotwell; a Gentleman who is so infinitely obliging, as to introduce my play on the theatre, by fathering the unworthy issue of my muse, at the reading it this morning.
Plot. I should be proud, madam, to be a real father to any of your productions. [150]
Clink. Mighty just. Ha, ha, ha. You know, Mr. Plotwell, that both a parrot and a player can utter human sounds, but we allow neither of them to be a judge of wit. ”

“ I must confess a poor revenge upon a woman; and a revenge of this kind on any of the soft sex, is below the dignity of man. I am of the poets opinion, who says—
"Too noble for revenge! which still we find
"The weakest frailty of a feeble mind;
"Ungenerous passion! and for man too base—
Thus my friend have I finish'd my 2d article, and proceed to the Third and last, which shall be to consider the play, and remark every passage that borders on any other in the dramatic way, but not with the ill-natur'd design of a critick. ”

“ Townley, the heroine of our play, I am inform'd, does not suit the character of Fossile's real wife in the least; for tis said they cannot slander that poor woman with any other failing, than that thing so much out of fashion call'd virtue; which seems as ridiculous as if a woman of quality should come to court to a ball on a birth day, with a black-bever high-crown- [213] hat on: But they say another eminent physician's wife sat for that picture; and the painters have done her justice in all but the catastrophe; for the poor man has her still, nor feels he yet any pain in the forehead ”

“ I do: but upon condition your jealous fit never returns. To a jealous man a whisper is evidence, and a dream demonstration. A civil letter [149] makes him thoughtful, an innocent visit mad. I shall try you, Mr. Fossile; for don't think I'll be deny'd company.
Foss. Nay, prithee, my dear; I own I have abused thee. But lest my marriage, and this simple story should take air in the neighbourhood, to morrow we will retire into the country together, till the secret is blown over. I am call'd to a patient. In less than half an hour I'll be with you again, my dear. ”

“ I will now, my dear, in thy presence, put all my family to the trial. Here! bid my niece, and all the maid-servants come before me.
[Calling out.
Enter Clinket, Prue, and Servants.
Give ear, all ye virgins: We make proclamation in the name of the chaste Diana, being resolv'd to make a solemn essay of the virtue, virginity, and chastity of all within our walls. We therefore advise, warn and precaution all spinsters, who know themselves blemish'd, not on any pretence whatsoever [180] to taste these our drops, which will manifest their shame to the world by visible tokens. ”