D. Dalziel

“ I am a Chicago & Alton Railroad Conductor, and they are all very beautiful.
PATIENCE—And that uniform, Archibald!
GROSVENOR— (Sighs) Ah, that is the bane of my life. It has the curse of fatal perfection. Since I first put it on I dare not go through the cars and collect tickets without an escort. All the women I meet fall madly in love with me. At the country depot when my train goes through, the entire female population flock out to get a glimpse at me. The life is one of torment. ”

“ PHYLLIS—
I'm very much pain'd to refuse; My guardian you can't lay the fault on. The only young man I would choose Must be from the Chicago & Alton. That road so eclipses the rest, Its men are so handsome and hearty, That I know where to turn for the best, When I want a particular party. (Enter Strephon, the brakeman; Phyllis rushes to him.)
It must not, cannot be, Your suits my heart has riven; Yon jolly brakeman see, To him my heart is given.
ALL THE G. P. A.'S—Jerusalem!
COUNSELOR—
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure, And thus defy our definite command? ”

“ It is true also—this fact I cannot deny—that the equipment of the Alton Line is as near perfection as human ingenuity can make it. That their train service is perfect, their cars superb, their track as smooth as the skin on my face, and that they run the only through train worth taking between Chicago and Kansas City, and all points West. I can say this fearlessly. Their tracks are but steel, their cars merely wood and metal, and we have nothing to fear from wood and metal. ”

“ For she has lots of Alton stock, As good as gold, and firm as a rock. But there'd be the deuce to pay, O Lord, If I patch'd up a match with my wealthy ward, Which rather gets up my dander, for I'm such a susceptible counselor. So if a director would marry my ward, He must come to me for my accord; In the Alton office I'll sit all day, To hear what agreeable men may say. But Phyllis declares she's not for he, She's not for thou, and she's not for thee, She wont have you, and she wont have ye, Because her mind is made up for A Chicago & Alton director. ”

“ And everyone will say
As you walk your cheerful way,
If this young man behaves himself in the manner that we see,
Why, what a very singularly nice young man this Alton man must be!
⁂
Be attentive to the old, don't growl and never scold, but to all be just and fair,
And convince 'em if you can that the conductors of your road are fraught with culture rare.
Take your tickets with a smile, whatever may be there to guile, and teach them all to pine
For the exquisite politeness of the affable conductors of the Chicago and Alton Line. ”

“ Other great features of the Michigan Central Railroad are that its through trains for New York and Boston run out of Chicago along the Michigan Lake front, within a stone's throw of the city's costliest mansions, through South Park and the magic city of Pullman, affording an extensive survey of this marvel of a marvelous age, and later passing over the new Cantilever Bridge in full view of Niagara Falls. ”

“ An every-day young man.
PATIENCE—What is this I see, Grosvenor—Archibald with his hair cut! Oh, Archibald, is it you? Can it be that you are indeed a common person once more?
GROSVENOR—It is. I am still connected with the Chicago & Alton Railroad, it is true, but I am once more a commonplace young man. ”

“ In equipment the Chicago and Atlantic Railway is excelled by none and equaled by few roads in the world. Their superb sleeping, drawing-room and thoroughfare coaches are simply models of elegance and comfort and are lighted with the brilliant Pintsch gaslight. Clean bedding, thick hair mattresses, thorough ventilation and absolute safety, with polite conductors and porters accompanying each car to provide for the wants of passengers, are valuable facts not to be overlooked. ”

“ The Alton Train,
With sweet refrain,
Brought us, here we are!
Flying lightly,
Whizzing sprightly,
O’er the Alton Track.
We expect to
All invite you
When we journey back.
HILARION—Hush, scoffer! Despite the advantages of our remarkably excellent line, it is proper for you to remember that you can’t work off any tickets here in this college of learning. These ladies are going to do wonderful things, I am told. List to their intentions:
They intend to live alone
From us men; from us men. ”

“ To say a single word against the fav’rite Alton Line.
To speak in praise of anything goes hard against the grain,
But I really never was upon such a perfect train.
I had dinner in a dining car, which every want could fill,
And I drank my health quite frequently, and didn’t pay my bill.
You see I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
And I can’t think why.
HILARION CHECKS HIS BAGGAGE.
ON THE DINING CAR.
GAMA—So this is the royal castle of the Chicago and Alton Railroad? ”

“ The only woman I love is denied me while all others that I do not love are showered at my head. Perhaps some of you may envy my condition. If you do, follow this little bit of advice and you may soon find yourself as burdened with love as I am. (Sings.)
If you're anxious for to shine in the highest railroad line as a man of genius rare,
You must get up all the germs of the grandest railroad terms and plant them everywhere;
You must smile at all the ladies, and be good to all the babies in a manner that is most kind ”

“ The next thing was the morning sun and Niagara Falls. The run had been made from Chicago in the remarkable time of fifteen hours. [Pg 63]
"Oh, how good of you, Deacon Fitney," said little Adele a short while later, as, standing on the platform at Falls View Station, she gazed with rapture at the Falls in all their splendor. "How good of you to bring us to such a nice place, and by such a delightful road." ”

“ Railroad conductors!
SAPHIR—I am told they are men of very full habits.
ELLA—We care nothing for railroad conductors.
(Exit the ladies in sorrowful procession. Enter the railroad conductors. They march around to chorus.)
The conductors of our land are linked in friendly tether,
Upon the railroad train they make their friends together;
There every mother's son prepared to make a friend is.
The comrade of one, The comrade of all is,
The comrade of one, The comrade of all is.
(Enter the Grand Commander of the Order of Conductors, Colonel Blue, of the Chicago & Alton Railroad.) ”

“ Its luxuriantly finished and furnished palace sleeping cars and its more than luxurious drawing-room coaches are marvels of beauty and comfort. Its coaches are new and of the most perfect models that have been adopted by any company, and they are always kept sweet, clean and pure. Its dining cars are superb, and the meals and service provided in them are equal to that given by any first-class hotel in the country. ”

“ Ever since you joined our band, things have gone wrong. Before you came the women loved me—yes, sir, me, and they followed me about everywhere, and now you have come and everything is changed. It is you they run after, but I tell you it must cease.
GROSVENOR—Is it my fault if they all fall in love with me? You, of course, who are not endowed with all the disadvantages of beauty, cannot know what I have to put up with. ”

“ She’s in Castle Adamant foresworn to all men, surrounded by a hundred maidens fair, who think as she does.
HILD.—Surely we can win her over?
GAMA—Not you! She and her companions will have nothing to do with anything masculine. One young lady brought a mail phaeton with her to the castle and she was expelled. When the time comes for the fast mail for Kansas City over your line to pass, the young ladies shut themselves in the basement cellar. Perhaps the never failing graces of your Alton men may win her. ”

“ Cars with soft reclining chairs, Where we nestle free from cares; Cars no cynic can place fault on, Chicago, Kansas City, Alton. Spite of distance, time, or weather, See three cities link'd together.
CEILA— That is extremely true and very pretty. Moreover, it is a very noble employment, this acting in behalf of the foremost railway of the world. Still, we are not altogether happy. Since our queen banished Iolanthe, our life has not been a transcendent one.
LEILA— Ah, Iolanthe was a whole team, and, like the Alton Road, she was the only one in the crowd who carried a proper train. ”

“ It is true that they dress with exquisite taste, that their manners are those which Lord Chesterfield so highly commended, that they belong to the only railroad corporation in the world which even I can look upon with feelings akin to admiration. ”

“ However, as I said before, the Deacon came back very quickly and helped get things in the carriage.
"By the way, Deacon," said Mr. Trevellyan, "what time do we start and which way do we go? You know I have left everything of that kind to you."
"Four-thirty," said the Deacon, in a cheerful sort of way, "and by the Michigan Central Railroad. It is the only way to go. But never mind about the advantages to be gained by going over this remarkable route. I will tell you all about it when we get on the train." ”

“ STREPHON—A fairy. I've no longer a reason to conceal the truth.
PHYLLIS— That would account for a good many things. Fairies nowadays are rather indiscreet. I suppose you are a fairy, too.
STREPHON—I'm half a fairy and half a mortal.
PHYLLIS—Not very substantial. But why didn't you tell me?
STREPHON— I thought I might get myself disliked. There's no use loving half a man.
PHYLLIS— Better that than to love a whole man, as they go nowadays. Forgive me.
[Pg 40]
[Pg 41]
[Pg 42]
STREPHON— Think of the difficulties. My grandmother looks quite as young as my mother. So do all my aunts. ”

“ Luxurious surroundings on all sides. Ticket office opens down to the inlaid mosaic floor. Handsome divans for passengers engaged in the purchase of tickets. At the gate, waiting for passengers as they go through in swarms, is Willis, a handsome man, like all the other servants of this road, and also, like them, he is clothed in an expensive and becoming uniform.
WILLIS— (Sings.)
I often think it's comical, How nature always does incline To place the best of all its boys That's born into this world of mine In the road that only such employs— The great Chicago & Alton Line. ”

“ Your service must be done by yourselves. No obsequious porters will brush your boots or carry about your bundle. And so, if you think well of this, there are here one hundred maidens fair who are prepared to love and welcome you. Will you try to give the fullness of your love to them? ”

“ PATIENCE—But the truly happy seem to have so much on their mind. The truly happy never seem quite well. But I have some news for you. The Railroad Conductors' Annual Picnic will be held here to-day, and the young men in their gorgeous uniforms are now on their way to this spot. ”

“ The Michigan Central Railroad has always held a foremost place among the lines between Chicago and the Atlantic seaboard, and the latest addition to their accommodations, in the shape of four new Dining Cars, will greatly strengthen its position.
These new cars are incomparable for beauty of design and selectness of adornments, all the elegancies of art having been exhausted to produce the most desirable effect. ”

“ In addition to the above the Atlantic Express will leave Chicago at 8.30 p.m., having through Pullman Cars to Detroit, Saginaw Valley, New York and Montreal without change.
Passengers going east on an excursion or business trip can find no better, quicker or more picturesque route than this for pleasure, taking in as it does the famous Niagara Falls, River St. Lawrence, Lachine Rapids, Thousand Islands, Victoria Bridge, and the Mountain Scenery and Pleasure Resorts of the New England States,—the Grand Trunk, running as it does at the base of Mount Washington. ”

“ CHICAGO & NORTH-WESTERN RAILWAY
Is not only the best and most perfectly equipped railroad in the world, but it is also the most important as to the territory it traverses, the numerous business centres and pleasure resorts that it reaches, and the facilities it offers for pleasant, speedy, safe and comfortable transit for all classes of passengers. ”

“ She is also expelled for looking out of her window when the Chicago and Alton train was passing.
BLANCHE—I was only looking out for the sleepers, they are so—
LADY P.—Enough! Looking out for sleepers is not a square game to play. Even horrid man condemns it. And now, young ladies, prepare yourselves, for your Princess Ida will be here directly to read you the lessons of the day. ”

“ The traffic passing between these two cities daily is very large when one considers that they are within a fraction of 1,000 miles apart. Boston also has a large traffic with Chicago, and to give an idea of the accommodations necessary to provide for the passenger business alone between the three cities, we may state that the
Michigan Central Railroad,
which is the principal thoroughfare between the cities named, runs five express trains daily—three on Sundays—made up of fine new day coaches, smoking cars, drawing-room cars, palatial sleeping cars. ”

“ The reputation this theater has made for itself, and the fact that it is known as the pioneer Opera House in the West, render it unnecessary to offer any extended description. While theaters have been erected, calculated to surpass in beauty and costliness Tootle's Opera House, few, to-day, can legitimately claim equality, and none can surpass it in all that pertains to the arrangement of a first-class place of amusement. ”

“ The Falls never looked grander, and nature never smiled with more sweetness. The time passed only too quickly, and when the children stepped on the cars once more to return to Chicago, it was with a twinge of regret which was only offset by [Pg 64] the knowledge that they had another delightful trip in store for them on the Michigan Central road. ”

“ PATIENCE—Do you write scurrilous anonymous letters about your female relatives in the newspapers? Do you malign your friends, act the part of a professional witness in divorce cases, and systematically breed trouble in happy domestic circles? ”