N. R. Martin

“ In an excess of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly declared outside the pale of humanity. ”

“ How can an ordinary mind retain the names of all the White Hopes or Black Despairs. At any moment some Terrible Magyar may wrest the bantam championship from us. You must learn to distinguish between Wells, the reconstructor of the universe, and Knock-out Wells. ”

“ You men know I'm by way of being a financial authority. Well, who wants financial advice nowadays? I give you my word of honour I've sold nothing since the war began except half-a-dozen articles on the weakness of Germany's financial position. If it is anything like my financial position the war won't last long. ”

“ But when international issues are involved, and the win of a Canadian or American or German crew may cause The Daily Mail to declare (for the hundredth time) that England is played out, a man simply has to keep abreast of the results.
There are a score of other things. Name for me, if you can, the Great American Four, the hydro-aeroplane champion, the M.P. champion pigeon-flyer, and the motor-bike hill-climbing champion. ”

“ It was at the crisis of parting at the station that it seemed to me necessary to give William a word of parental advice. I hate seeing small boys at such moments stuffing themselves in refreshment-rooms.
"William," I said, "life is not all cricket and football."
"No, father" replied William, looking hard at the refreshment-room, "there's golf."
"That, William, is scarcely a game. I should describe it in my own case as an exercise taken under medical advice, to obtain relief from business strain."
"Father," burst out William, "there's Cheffins minor in the refreshment-room." ”

“ Flodden, "we've kep' ourselves respectable in this village. Even our guys have been respectable, though, mind you, that Lloyd George—well, if it wasn't war-time, I'd say he come precious near the line. Now what's the good of us letting ourselves down to burn these 'Uns ? What about old Guy Fawkes? I grant you he wanted to blow up the 'Ouses of Parliament; but, if there was licensing bills in those days, I don't blame him. I say stick to old Guy and be respectable."
It was carried unanimously.
Somewhere in his rush from theatre to theatre of the war a message will reach the Kaiser. ”

“ Just then a little group of the staff arrived. I recognised amongst them the figures of General J——— and Field-Marshal F———, and saluted.
"The spy in staff uniform is the third on your left, Sir," said Holmes casually.
The Field-Marshal beckoned a firing party.
As the shots rang out I whispered, "How did you know he wasn't English?"
"Watson, Watson, did you not see that he had no handkerchief in his sleeve?"
*****
"It is all-important, Captain Holmes," said the British Commander, " that we should ascertain what army is opposing our right wing. Our airmen are useless in this fog. ”

“ Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy. Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that, arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "———" (excised by Censor) , they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and utterly routed them. It is rumoured that the Cockspurs contemplate reprisals. In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it is be-lieved that all civilians will fight to the death against the invader. ”

“ It is in the other corner of the smoke-room that the Cheering-Up Association meets. There we all come and relate our business troubles and listen to the troubles of our friends. It is wonderful how consoling other people's troubles are. Robinson brightens perceptibly when he discovers that Jenkins is also heading for the Bankruptcy Court.
Of course, the talk began with Mitchell's play. It always does. ”

“ We feel just a little hurt that the Police have not prohibited our village bonfire. Why shouldn't Zeppelins come to Little Pilswick? Why should an arrogant metropolis monopolise everything? Still we hid our mortification and the Guy Committee met as usual in the saloon bar of the "Bull." ”

“ A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth more than a hundred paid men. ”

“ They have husbands, these amiable ladies, but the husbands are mainly concerned with the commissariat and supply department, and are neither allowed nor designed in the actual fighting line.
The very day the war began, a huge flagstaff with a Union Jack of proportionate size rose in the grounds of Dulce Domum. It must have been ordered in advance. I present this fact to the German Press Bureau as showing that, at any rate, Mrs. Dawburn-Jones always intended war. But the next day Mrs. Studholm-Brown went six feet better with a flag-staff and three square yards better with a Union Jack. ”

“ We must decide to ignore all future championships... We must decline to be aggravated if a Japanese Badminton champion appears. We must cease to be interested if Britain's Hope beats the Horrible Peruvian at Tiddly-winks. ”

“ Mrs. Studholm-Brown had added Japan before the Mikado's ultimatum had expired—which will prove to the German Press Bureau that there was a secret understanding between our Far-Eastern Ally and Mrs. Studholm-Brown. ”

“ Hanbridge is going to raise a Pot-bank Company for Kitchener's Army. They want us to raise one to match it. We're going one better. Bursley will raise a Pot-bank Regiment. I just want a thousand men to be going along with. Don't all speak at once. ”

“ Half of their number fell on the hill ere they reached the German trench;
Général J——— cried out: "Très bon"; "Not half," said Marshal F———;
An angry Emperor shook his fist and at his legions raved,
And then (the C———r lets me say) the cheery Blankshires shaved.
Rally, O rally, ye Blankshire men, rally to fill the gaps;
Seek victories (all unknown to us) , bear (well-suppressed) mishaps ”

“ Damsons are very cheap this year. I am jamming an extra quantity. Do you think pots of jam could be safely sent to the chaplains at the front? Kiss the dear baby for me. Excuse a longer letter, but I am quite worn out with handing hot meat pies to the Russian troops passing through here. ”

“ Displays remarkable promise.
("Of course it won't be much use to him in my leather business," I said to my wife; "still it shows grit.")
Mathematics. Again marked progress is to be recorded.
Conduct. Courteous, orderly, obedient. A good influence in the house. ”