Alain René Le Sage

“ Worthy I have little taste for marriage—but to please the Colonel—I'll do it. But, only if the doctor gives me a large dowry. It is not right to marry a woman who brings nothing.
Jeremy He's right, Doctor. It's necessary to make it worth his while. Make over all your wealth to him.
Peacock Your humble servant. I prefer you to hang Mr. Rosebud. I'll be off much cheaper.
Trippet Mr. Major, you seem generous. Accept my mistress on the same terms she was to be married to Mr. Flem. That's to say, for one-half the interest on the ten thousand pounds that the Doctor has put on the head of Dudley. ”

“ Trippet A thousand times better. I wish someone would give me the choice between an old man and a young musketeer. It wouldn't take me long to make up my mind, let me tell you.
Peacock
In fact, an old boy tends to be very indulgent towards a young wife.
Trippet Oh, yes. In place of a young man who is indulgent only towards his friends. An old husband leaves us his wealth by dying and a young one doesn't die until he's gobbled up our dowry.
Peacock Sometimes that girl is pretty smart. Now, Harriet, I'm delighted you no longer dislike Mr. Flem—
Harriet (under her breath)
Ah, I prefer death. ”

“ Five men, two women
Scene: Dr. Peacock's house. Flem Truly, Dr. Peacock, you're a clever man. I've been a pharmacist for twenty-five years and never met a doctor who practiced medicine like you.
Peacock Indeed, no other doctor of my acquaintance has penetrated nature as deeply as I have. But I don't like to praise myself; I can't stand flattery. I want you to come home with me to discuss an important matter. Now, has any one asked for me while I was away? TRIPPET, hey, TRIPPET!
Trippet (entering)
How you do scream! Well, sir, what can I do for you? ”

“ Flem that the Doctor is blaming everything on the way the prescription was compounded.
Worthy
I like that idea.
Trippet
Won't work.
Harriet
Why not?
Trippet I tell you, it won't work. Mr. Flem and Dr. Peacock are too hand-in- glove. For twenty years they've been killing people—some of the nicest people in this city—and they never quarrel over it. And you think they're going to quarrel over a mere magistrate. Why, they've done in lords and ladies.
Jeremy
I've got another idea. This one is matchless. Is it true that Doctor
Peacock has an insurance policy on some peasant? ”

“ Flem. He's only fifty. Not old enough to be too virtuous.
Trippet A virtuous man is not for Miss Harriet, and I am going to prove it. In order to know the worth of a virtuous husband, is it not necessary for the wife to be dispirited herself? First, give her a young man of twenty, and not only will she be fine, she'll have a reasonable husband.
Peacock Nice reasoning. A smart daughter ought not to examine her future husband too closely. She ought to consider it a pleasure to find one agreeable to her father. Understand, Harriet? ”

“ Dudley Aie! How can I resist him. He thinks I'm weak and prescribes for my maladies. He watches my food. He forbids me wine. Damn his medicine and science. It would be better not to interfere with nature.
Trippet To forbid wine to a man of your type is the same as forbidding women to a man of a different sort. ”

“ Jeremy I want to tell you, sir—no boasting—I'm well thought of by the combat troops.
Peacock
I'm sure of it, and I congratulate you, sir.
Jeremy When there's something particularly tough to do, they always call for me. Ask my major.
Worthy
It's true.
Peacock
I believe it.
Jeremy
So, you see, I have all the honor and reputation I could wish.
Unfortunately, my body isn't made of iron.
Peacock
I see.
Jeremy
I came down with asthma in Germany while I was pursuing the enemy.
Peacock
The cause of your illness is worthy of—
Jeremy Here's how it happened to me. ”

“ Flem And, I tell all the patients who come to me about you, praise you to the skies, and belittle or disparage all other doctors without exception.
Peacock We do everything that a doctor and a pharmacist can do for each other. We work in perfect harmony. ”

“ Flem It's the Doctor who's taken it into his head that I shall marry. As for myself, I never thought of Miss Harriet because of the difference in our ages.
Trippet What difference! You're joking, Mr. Flem. Do you know, you look as young as a man of twenty-five. ”

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“ Jeremy
Simply to make Flem and Doctor Peacock quarrel. Won't that do it?
Trippet
Without a doubt.
Worthy
Sounds good to me.
Jeremy
Right, eh? See how easily I solve the most difficult puzzles.
Trippet
But, you haven't said how we'll do it.
Jeremy Right. How to do it? Listen, hasn't some rich person recently died at their hands?
Trippet
The Judge. Judge Glanville.
Jeremy That's our luck! All we have to do is to tell the Doctor that Flem says it was the Doctor's prescription that killed the patient. At the same time, we tell Mr. ”