Albert Bigelow Paine

“ Some day, when the 'second round of the third issue' is off, and the 'first round of the fourth issue' is started, when the subscriptions are whirling in like snowflakes through which you are gliding smoothly and well to fortune, then you may write to me, True, that you are coming, and I will be ready. I know that June is the month for weddings, but it is always June in the heart where love is, and, besides, New York is at its best in winter and spring, and when summer really does come we can go where our fancy takes us. ”

“ Barrifield and Perner again looked across at each other with satisfaction. Bates took a step toward the door. Then it was observed that his self-control had been but temporary, or perhaps had not extended to his legs. He staggered, reached for the knob, missed, and plunged helplessly into the corner in a heap. They helped him up, brushed him, and steadied him down-stairs. As they came back to the studio Van Dorn remarked disgustedly:
"Well, smart men that drink, or no smart men, I wouldn't hire another man like that." ”

“ Barrifield put an end to further discussion on this point by calling attention to the bicycle lamp—something new and superior to any in use. He had been attracted by it in a sporting-goods window on Nassau Street. The price had been steep,—too steep for a premium, of course,—but he had made up his mind that if he could get on the "inside" he would find a price there within their reach. He had got on the inside. He had pursued the elusive "inside" even to Hoboken, and captured it there in the very sanctity of the factory—the president's private office. ”

“ Now, Perny, I'll tell you, I've got a poem that runs right straight through the year. Every stanza is complete in itself, and I can give you any kind of a cut you want. You can have it all as it is, or I'll take out the bones and trim it up for you, or you can have slices out of it here and there at so much a slice."
Perner took the manuscript and ran his eye over it casually.
"That's a good thing on September," he said. "The figure of the goldenrod like a plumed warder closing the gates of summer is striking. We don't publish till November, though." ”

“ I don't care for Bates— I don't like his way, though Perny and Barry say that some of the smartest men they ever knew were like him. But the Colonel is an old brick. He's traveled all over the world and been in about all the battles that ever were fought. He's been in a lot of different kinds of business, too, and has made a great many people rich. I don't think he's very rich now himself—at least, he doesn't look like it, though, of course, you can't always tell. ”

“ One morning when the busy writer and two artists who lived and toiled together in apartments near Union Square—now the offices of the "Whole Family"—returned to them after a light and wholesome breakfast, they found their stairway full of girls—girls of almost every age and apparently of almost every station in life. There were tall girls, short girls, slender girls, stout girls, girls of every complexion and every manner of dress. Also, more girls were constantly coming and pressing their way into the hall. ”

“ This remark created a visible sensation and a fresh regard for Perner's business experience and energy, which was gradually becoming the backbone of the whole enterprise. Barrifield meantime had pulled himself together and was smoking with his usual deliberation.
"Boys," he said, "we've got the biggest thing on earth. We could win either way, hands down—either with premiums or cash for names. But we want to be certain—certain! We don't want any possibility of failure. And to make assurance doubly sure, I am in favor of using both." ”

“ I suppose we'll have leisure, and next summer we'll have a steam-yacht of our own and go around the world together. Then we'll come back and begin building the houses and all the different institutions you have planned. You are very noble, sweetheart, to be always thinking of others. It will be beautiful to be rich for that reason, if for nothing else. For my part, any condition of life would be happiness with you at my side. ”

“ What do you suppose I care for the few dollars you have lost? You are no less good and noble—no less capable than before; and as for the times, they will change—they always do. It almost hurts me to realize that you could think I would ever let you send me off even for what you considered my own good. And I will not go, you see. You can't send me away—unless, indeed, you do not want me any more, and then, of course, you will say so, and I will go. ”

“ What comes after that?"
"Then—let's see—there's 'good-looking,' 'well-made,' 'proper,' 'shapely,' and 'symmetrical.' I don't think much of any of those, do you?"
"Well, no," reflected Van Dorn; "however true they might be of the proprietors, we'd hardly want to say that our watch was 'good-looking' and 'proper.'"
"How about 'dazzling,' 'showy,' 'majestic,' 'sumptuous'?"
"Oh, pshaw, Stony, give me the book!" said Perner, impatiently. "Here, Barry, you look. These artists don't know any more about a dictionary than we do about a paint-shop." ”

“ All that you have so often said about the bohemian life is fine and beautiful, and true in a way, too, but there are unpleasant phases of it as well. The struggle is very hard sometimes, and even Perny and Van, who do not need much money, and who will never be anything different from what they are now, even they are glad that they will be worth a million at least by this time next year. ”

“ And everybody will do as they please, and read and write and paint what they like, or sit in the sun and shade, and so drift out of life as gently as the brown leaf falls and floats out to the eternal sea. ”

“ Everything else will cost less than another five hundred, so that a hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars a year will more than cover the cost of getting out the paper; but say it costs that,—we want to figure full, you know,—and then another hundred and twenty-five for premiums, or quarter of a million in all, which will be covered by actual subscription money, to say nothing of advertising returns, which ought to at least, counting three pages a week, be not less than one hundred and fifty thousand the first year, and that will be clear profit to be divided. ”

“ Did you, Perny? Did you, Stony?" dropping his eyes from one to the other.
"I have," said Van Dorn. "Runs a paper called the 'Voice of Light,' with prize packages and the worst illustrations in the world."
"That's the man!" assented Barrifield. "Old friend of mine. Yankee by birth, and one of the keenest publishers in the country. That paper, the 'Voice of Light,' has a circulation of nearly one half-million copies!" [Pg 13]
"He ought to get better pictures, then," grunted Van Dorn.
"Exactly!" nodded Barrifield. "And that's one place we'll improve on Frisby's scheme." ”

“ Perner—very happy indeed." Then he turned suddenly and shook Perner's hand.
They talked on. By and by the Colonel refilled his pipe and leaned back in his chair.
"Fortune is a fickle jade," he said. "I have won and lost her seven times. I do not know that I shall ever do so again—it takes money to make money. Such resources as I have are not at present convertible into cash. Speculation without capital may win," he continued, "but the chances are much against it. It takes money to start anything, even a paper, as you gentlemen can testify." ”

“ It'll take a little, of course. I think I know where I could get all the money I want—a dozen places, yes, fifty of them. But this isn't a money scheme. If it was I could get it. I know any number of men, capitalists, that would jump at it. But that isn't what we want. We want men who know what a paper is, and can do the work themselves."
"We want a good advertising man first," said Perner the businesslike.
"That's good sense," assented Barrifield, at which Perner felt complimented and began to assume proprietary airs. ”

“ Barrifield.
Perner read it, and it was handed to each of the others in turn. Then they looked at each other. Van Dorn said pleasantly:
"Why, yes; that's so. Capitalize! I hadn't thought of that. Stony, get up here and capitalize!"
Livingstone dug down in his pockets and brought up fifty-six cents.
"All right," he said. "That's every nickel I've got in the world. Let's capitalize!" ”

“ Soft clams appealed to Perner, and any lingering doubts he may have had of Barrifield's ability as business manager disappeared at this statement. Livingstone, who was not quite so tall as the others, had kept up with some difficulty, and was puffing a little as they seated themselves at a table in one corner.
"I know now what it means to start a paper," he observed reflectively. "It means first to walk a good ways and then eat something. That's what we've been doing ever since we started."
"Better eat while we've got a chance," said Van Dorn. ”

“ I know it is hard to save when money is earned with one's hands, for it comes little at a time, and if the paper prospers it will be easier for you afterward. But, somehow, premiums and showy offers in big type don't seem to fit in with my thought of you, and the Bible premium especially doesn't appeal to me entirely. ”

“ We're not going to have any too much money, either, to run us through. The engraving bill came in to-day, and the letter postage is no small item. There'll be a bill for composition on the 1st, and it'll be a good deal, because we've changed the style of type so often. Then, Bates's salary will commence right away, and he'll probably have to have a stenographer, and an allowance for incidentals, and a desk and some other furniture. You see, Frisby had a lot of things when he took the 'Voice' that we'll have to buy, and it's like building a house—it always takes more than you expect it to. ”

“ And we'll build one like it for poor women, too. And then, by and by, we'll build a great, beautiful place where artists and writers, when they get old, can live in ease and comfort, and not have anything to pay unless they are able. Not in the way of charity, I mean, but as the just reward that wealth owes to those who have given their years and strength to make the world better and happier. Only, wealth never understands and realizes its debt. But we [Pg 86] will, True, because we know, and Van and Perny will help, and Barry, too. ”

“ The article was passed around.
"Didn't they have any thicker ones?" asked Livingstone.
"Well, of course," assented Barrifield, "it is a trifle thicker than a fine gold watch, but it's a perfect gem in other respects. The manufacturer of it told me he had carried one of them a year, and that it hadn't varied a second in that time."
"Maybe it was stopped," suggested Van Dorn, but Barrifield ignored this libel.
"Every boy will want one of the 'Whole Family' watches," he went on. "We can sell a barrel of them in every town."
"How many of them come in a barrel?" interrupted Livingstone. ”

“ Livingstone lay down on a prayer-rug to laugh.
"Four subscriptions!" they shouted. "And Frisby got in a thousand dollars [Pg 183] the first day. Cash paid for names, and four subscriptions! The crown-jeweled watch! The marvelous cracker-jack, double-rack, Hackensack camera! Money for Christmas shopping, and checks mailed promptly! Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord!"
They were not so far from hysteria, after all. When at last they could laugh no more, they were weak and exhausted.
"How about our steam-yacht, and houses on Fifth Avenue?" asked Van Dorn, and this was followed by a feeble aftermath of mirth. ”

“ Some one has said that it is harder to stop a paper than to start one. The proprietors of the "Whole Family" realized this daily. The money coming in was far from sufficient for the expense, but it served to prolong the death agony from week to week.
Perner, who had carefully figured out by [Pg 190] this time the impossibility of success from any standpoint, was for quitting forthwith and getting back to work. Van Dorn was somewhat inclined in the same direction; Livingstone also, perhaps, though he announced his readiness to stay in the field as long as there was anything to fight for. ”

“ He was willing to wade through the pile of chaff in the hope of discovering a gem, and, besides, the dignity of an editorial desk with heaped-up manuscript was gratifying.
Also, the bohemians were entertaining. They knew the peculiarities of every editor in town, and exchanged with Perner characteristic experiences. Among them was a stout, middle-aged man named Capers. He was partly bald, with a smooth baby face that gave him somewhat the appearance of Cupid, and, with his merry disposition, made him seem much younger than he really was. ”

“ Then I should have been discouraged and uneasy, instead of overflowing with happiness and dreams.
"I am glad you are going to have a [Pg 88] good man to solicit advertising right away; and how fine it is that he can get those cash contracts before the paper starts, so you can have ample means right from the first! It all seems so simple and easy now that I wonder people have not done these things long ago. But it is always that way—the simple things are the great ones and the last to be found out. It isn't often, either, that those who discover them get the benefit, and that seems too bad ”

“ Perner was scribbling rapidly. "And what does 'diamond balance' mean?"
"Never mind what it means. It sounds rich, and that's what we want."
"Don't you think we ought to have in something about the escapement?" asked Livingstone. "All watches have escapements, don't they?"
"Why, yes," nodded Van Dorn,—"cylinder escapement—duplex action—"
Perner interrupted:
"Oh, nonsense, Van! It's the camera that has duplex action."
"'Tisn't, either—it's the watch!" [Pg 132]
"Oh, well, let's give it to the camera, anyway," compromised Barrifield. "We've got enough for the watch. How does it read now, Perny?" ”

“ A number of brief and informal meetings had been held, and a liberal amount of talk expended, besides the continuous discussion and badinage in the studio where Livingstone, Van Dorn, and Perner still worked, though in a manner disheartening to their publishers. The idea of starting a vast enterprise with little or no capital had in it something very fascinating to the bohemian temperament, while the consideration of its unique phases [Pg 37] and the more or less appropriate premiums to be offered, afforded never-ending amusement. ”

“ Whatever they've got, they are "lambs," and one of them, Livingstone, is a regular infant in arms. They're going to lose their "bundle," of course, whatever it is, and we want to get as much of it as we can and as quick as possible. Here's what you want to do.
Go right to the "Family Friend" people and tell them that the "Whole Family" is placing a big lot of advertising and will cut into them in great shape. The "Friend" will give you a lot of advertising to place for them, for they are always "leery" of competition. ”

“ What do you mean?" asked Van Dorn.
"Why, see here! People will be sending in the same names, and sending each other's names, till they get us so mixed up we can't straighten the thing out in a hundred years! Then they'll accuse us of fraud, and blame each other for a lot of things, too. The result will be that they'll get into a fight until the whole nation is in one immense wrangle. We'll ruin the [Pg 173] country! That's what we'll do! We'll ruin the country!"
Perner had arisen and was walking the floor excitedly.
"I tell you, Van, your 'cash for names' scheme is a fallacy! ”

“ Bates was preparing this letter, the proprietors of the "Whole Family" were gathered about a table under the studio skylight in earnest discussion. In the center of the table lay a large and loud-voiced watch, a small, inoffensive-looking camera, a savage-looking gun, and a rather showy Bible. After much argument they had finally agreed upon these articles as their premiums, as well as upon the necessity of following up [Pg 129] their "cash for names" announcement with premium offers both in their own and other periodicals. ”