S. James Weldon

“ One Sight Will Be a Joy for a Lifetime!
Walk In. With this I covered the bay window on the outside, thus making it serve the double purpose of advertisement and curtain. Then, taking my stand at the door, I fell to work.
A good many people were passing that way, and with my knowledge of human nature it was not hard to pick out half a dozen of the right sort for free admission. Securing these as a start for an audience, I began my outside oration on the animated chocolate drop, the mountain of flesh, the visible evolution of the protoplastic through the missing link of Darwin’s chain. ”

“ I continued, “here you are, wearing a baggy pair of pants with fringe at the bottom, a shabby coat and vest that are old enough to vote, and a slouch hat that is not fit for a dog to wear. You sit in a little dingy 2×4 office, waiting for some sucker to come in and give you a dollar for a prescription. You eke out a miserable existence and see no real living at all. You are the man who needs sympathy, and I assure you, you have mine from the bottom of my heart.” ”

“ When a great battle is won by shrewd maneuvering they call it a splendid display of strategy; when a fakir carries his point in the same way it is branded as infernal trickery. Early in the battle of life I discovered that I would have to do a great deal of strategical maneuvering or starve; and I seldom failed, however well defended his front might be, to turn the flank of the enemy if it was at all unprotected, often snatching victory out of the very jaws of defeat.
Once, under peculiar provocation, I obtained an order from a saloon keeper for a nice crayon portrait of his wife. ”

“ In a few days the portrait is delivered, grandly framed, and the flattered lady hands out her share, never suspecting that the cost of the frame well covered the price of it and the picture.
That is one way to make the business pay, and if the lady is too innocent to find out the deception, her portrait can be made a stepping-stone for a dozen other orders, just as was suggested to her. After all, people are a good deal like sheep—a whole flock will follow where one leads, however unwittingly. ”

“ You stand perpetually blind to your own interests, and wait for the other fellow to get the bargain. When I offer you a fifty dollar watch I can’t even get a four dollar bid on it, and still you wonder why you are poor.
“Now, gentlemen, remember that this is a fact, a tried, tested and practical fact. Everywhere in this generation, the human mind is busier than ever in extending its prerogatives. ”

“ You can make up your mind that, though some men may be proof against your most seductive wiles, the mass of them are not. Pack men closely together, start up the battery of your personal magnetism, and you will get somebody under control. Then the fire will spread from him to another, and so on, until the mass of the throng are just as much your victims as though they had resigned themselves to a hypnotic doctor on the stage.
There are dozens of ways in which a crowd can be prepared for this influence and by which it can be maintained. Take the pretended money deception. ”

“ In his way a blacksmith is as good as a doctor, a hod carrier as good as a merchant, a clerk as good as his employer, a cobbler as good as a lawyer, and a fakir as good as a statesman. The president of the United States is no better than the poorest man who helped to elect him. ”

“ Agent.—“I don’t care how dull times are, how economical a man is, how many irons he has in the fire, or how many obligations he has on hand, there are always little incidental expenses during the month that are met without a murmur.”
Mr. R.—“Even if I bought the books I would still have those outlays.”
Agent.—“You are right, but I want to ask you one question. You make up your mind now to practice economy. If you were walking down the street and felt like drinking a glass of lemonade or smoking a cigar wouldn’t you go right in and spend ten or fifteen cents for the luxury?” ”

“ To make a long story short, we exposed the whole thing from beginning to end, making it out as one of the most rotten and bare-faced efforts at robbery that had ever been conceived of or perpetrated on an intelligent community. We convinced the people of the rural districts that the scheme was not only a disgrace to the county, but a burning insult to each and every one of them, which could only be resented by voting on election day against the bonds. ”

“ As he had very little money, I advanced what was necessary, and proposed to act as auctioneer myself.
“All right,” he answered, “let it go at that. If we make even a couple of hundred dollars out of it I will be satisfied—so it is cash.”
“If we can sell anything at all we surely can get that,” I assured him.
Mr. Carlysle was a trifle dubious about my abilities, but my late little experiences had helped me wonderfully, and given me thorough confidence. I thought, moreover, of a dodge which, no matter what the line, has always worked. ”

“ It was really amusing at times to watch the crowds whispering to each other and sizing me up as I walked down the street. The thought of having a real live detective in their midst would always arouse their curiosity. ”

“ His wagon was light running, easy riding, and built for his business. It must have cost him a very pretty penny to have it prepared, but he certainly made his profit out of it, in working various things, one of which being what, in conversation with me, he called “the battery scheme.” It was the most complicated fake I had up to that time ever met with, but it had its drawbacks, and I often wondered that Doctor Munson had never been shot. There is nothing that makes the average man madder than to be laughed at by a crowd for being fooled when he thinks he has a sure thing. ”

“ Through the aid of several different city directories I secured the names of hundreds of saloon-keepers. As a class—outside of their own business, which I do not at all revere—they are a jolly, happy-go-lucky lot of people, who admire what has the appearance of a practical joke, are free with their money, and are on the best of terms with all the world and the rest of mankind. ”

“ Had we charged even a nickel I doubt if we could have drummed up the skeleton of an audience; but for a free entertainment—it was immense. The people came in crowds, and responded nobly when the “deacon” passed the hat.
There is all the difference in the world in towns and the crowds you gather in them. This crowd was willing to be amused, came to be amused, and had made up its mind not to be disappointed. They were with us from start to finish, and when we “counted up the house” found the collection amounted to within a fraction of twenty dollars. ”

“ With a hundred thousand dollars to the good I retired gracefully, and before the turn of the tide. There were plenty of persons in after years to say, “If Weldon had stayed with us the boom would not have collapsed.” But Weldon did not stay. I knew it was only a question of time when the inflated values would take a tumble, so I stood from under and lost not a dollar in the wreck.
Since this successful venture I have been in numerous speculative deals, and the quality of being ever on the alert, acquired while faking in different capacities, has stood me well in my later career. ”

“ There were no single volumes on my list, and if I remember right the smallest set was a history of the world in four volumes.
As samples for canvassing the firm furnished each agent with a nice stretcher, showing up the backs of each set of books complete. These stretchers, or book backs, were gotten up in a very neat and tasty manner, and when set up against the wall looked just like a complete set of the books would appear when arranged in a book case. I would walk up to a business or professional man without giving him any advance knowledge of what I wanted. ”

“ I always tried to confine my calls to the better class of people, and for that reason met with few insults, though I would occasionally drift into the wrong channels. Sometimes I gave as good as I got, and if I stretched the truth a little my conscience did not smite me so long as I felt I had gotten fairly even. ”

“ I listened to the patter of the street venders, allowing myself to be “worked” by every one of them. I patronized liberally the street musicians, and even dropped a little coin with the fortune tellers. For a time I lived in this kind of a fool’s paradise. Then I retired to my room and took an account of stock.
I found I had bought numerous kinds of soap, many bottles of cologne, and fewer of medicine that would cure every ailment ever heard of on earth. I had tin whistles galore, and all the useless knick-knacks under the sun.
I also had three dollars and eighty cents in cash. ”

“ India is supposed to be the land of magic and the home of the conjuror, but India itself has never invented anything equal to that which I propose to do before your astonished eyes tonight. The first trick is one of my own invention, and one which no other man in the world than myself has ever successfully performed.
“Five years ago I offered one thousand dollars to any man who could do it, and tonight I will double the offer. I will give two thousand dollars in cold cash to the individual who will do the trick, and grant him full privilege to watch me while I am working. ”

“ I realized that it was not like the old days when one waited for years while the land slowly grew into value, but that with smart, far-seeing heads at the front fortunes might be made in a single night. ”

“ Why, man, it is the most complete and beautiful thing of the kind you ever saw, and if you don’t agree with me, on your honor, I’ll give you fifty dollars.”
Mr. Smith.—“Whew. You’re a long-winded feller. I know that bible is fine, but I just haven’t got the money for it.”
Agent.—“You’ll admit a good bible, clear type, solid binding, spring back and up-to-date is something every Christian household should possess; and how often are you called upon to invest in one? Once in a lifetime; and when you do, you ought to buy carefully. A good bible is like every first-class article. ”

“ I carried a fine line of samples, was a pleasant, fluent talker, and I fairly believe many a lady would have been disappointed if I had not called on her with my wares. Sometimes I took orders direct for frames to the pictures; sometimes I waited and delivered the picture placed in a frame, trusting to be able to sell the latter at a good price. If a town at large did not turn out the average profit, then a single individual or so would have to bear the sins of omission of the rest.
There are more tricks in the picture business than one would imagine. ”

“ So successful had I been that I was feeling my oats all over, and expected to go right along through the winter, when I ran foul of a legal proposition, and learned the lesson that it takes money to buy justice; and though the law may be on your side it sometimes requires an awfully long time to reach it.
Every man who has traveled on the road has probably had more or less trouble about license; and the time arrived when I was to get my experience. I was arrested while soliciting in the portrait business, and was fined fifty dollars in a city court. ”

“ I admit that I practiced trickery during my years on the road, but I claim that any man is justified to use it in gaining his point, providing he does not misrepresent merits and gives value received. Show me the man who has not the ability to draw customers to him, or sense to employ business tact and trickery, and I will show you a man who will never amount to much in the world. ”

“ As the business at the church fair had given me some little reputation, I thought I could not do better than begin operations that very evening.
Since then, when engaged in street faking, I have generally had with me a musical assistant or two. Nothing will draw a crowd quicker than a few vigorous plunks on a banjo, or the squeak of a fiddle played “well up in G.” Not having such an assistant, I was fortunate enough to be able to secure some local talent. ”

“ His hands are clumsy, but brains furnish skill, and practice makes perfect. He gears together a dozen wooden wheels, some horizontal, some perpendicular, and makes a mortar, such as he had never seen before that moment of inspiration. He turns on the water. The wheel revolves. The mortar grinds, and out rolls the meal in a golden stream, while he claps his hands in triumph, and thinks what the machine would do if it were a thousand times stronger. ”

“ Once in a while a fellow who gets too fresh falls into the hands of the police and must answer to the law.
Once, in my younger days, I enclosed a dime in answer to an advertisement which promised to tell applicants how to travel without paying railroad fare. The response I got was, “Walk instead of ride.”
This is a fair pattern of many fakes; and to my great amusement, and somewhat to my profit, I tested the calibre of a number of them that winter at a trifling expense. You know the old saying, “A sucker is born every minute.” ”

“ I talked of the baboons of Sumatra and the Dyaks of Borneo; of the chimpanzee of Abyssinian deserts and the gorilla of the Congo—“And all this lesson to be learned for the small sum of half a dime. The lecture itself is worth the money, and the sight of the chocolate drop would be cheap at a fortune.”
What my audience thought I never knew nor cared, so long as they did not mob me. It is an actual fact that over two hundred people paid a nickel a piece to see the wonder of the age—which was only old “auntie” from Smoky Row, throned on the counter and feeling as big as a box-car. ”

“ If you can go to any store in your city and get one for less than a three-dollar bill I’ll make you a present of one hundred dollars. I’ll just drop the chain into the little purse here and call the outfit six dollars, altogether.
“Now, gentlemen, don’t get scared or faint away, but the first man who passes me up a quarter gets the entire outfit, purse, magnetic agate, studs, ring, collar buttons and chain. Only twenty-five cents for the entire lot. Ah! There is the man who takes it. ”

“ In these degenerate days music, like everything else, has become cheap. In the times I am speaking of sheet music commanded a pretty stiff price at retail; and if we could only sell enough of it there was a chance for an enormous profit, even when sold away below regular rates, and there were chances to buy at wholesale “cheap” sheet music which cost but a song.
All this my companion, whose name was Carter, explained as we went along. There was really so little of a “fake” about what he proposed to do that I hardly believed he would have the success he seemed to anticipate. ”

“ The penny part of the business was what caught the people. By the time the horses were ready to proceed, which was in about two days more, the whole neighborhood had been worked up over the brilliant scheme, our eloquence had not been wasted, the last ticket had been sold, the watch had gone into the hands of the lucky winner, and we had raked in our fifty dollars and fifty cents, so that our stay in that town had not been altogether fruitless. We not only cleared all expenses, but went away with a little profit. ”

“ Fortunately, the footlights had never cast their glamour over me, and I had always regarded this venture as a makeshift and a stepping-stone. When I had done a few sums in addition, subtraction, multiplication and division, I suggested that the time was hardly ripe for such a scheme. We were doing very well as it was, among the smaller towns, where theatres had no season, and the population could not, and would not, support a regular company. ”