J. P. Johnston

“ I took the first train for Toledo, and was soon ushered into the Doctor's private room at the hotel. Without any preliminaries he said to me:
"Well sir, Johnston, I'm a Clairvoyant—a Clairvoyant, sir. By laying my hands on the table, in this manner, I can tell a lady just how old she is, how long she has been married, how many children she has, and if she is ailing I can tell just what her complaint is, and how long she has been sick, and all about her."
"Can't you tell as much about a man as you can about a woman?" ”

“ The Doctor struck a dramatic attitude, and glared over his spectacles—one hand clasped the middle of his cane, and his plug hat poised side-wise on the back of his head, and he shouted excitedly:
"Sir, I want you to understand we know how many beans there was in that dish. Besides, I'm—I'm—I'm no —— table waiter, and I demand that you address me differently. In short, I demand satisfaction for your cussed insolence, sir!"
Every man in the dining room dropped his knife and fork and looked on in astonishment. ”

“ He gave me a very searching look, and said:
"Johnston, was it she or I that was considered crazy?"
"Well Doctor, I understand that she was crazy and you followed her down cellar to prevent her from committing suicide. At least that is the way the matter has been represented to the landlady and me."
"Well, I understood," said he seeming much relieved, "that they considered me crazy."
"O, my! Doctor! the landlady considers you one of the bravest and most courageous men she ever saw, to follow a raving maniac down cellar the way you did." ”

“ After shaking hands and passing the time of day, one of the firm called me into his private office and informed me that they had concluded to put me on the road at a stipulated salary.
"But I never work on a salary. It's against my principles and ideas of business."
"Yet you would certainly prefer a sure thing, wouldn't you, Johnston?"
"No, sir; not a bit of it. I wouldn't snap my finger for a sure thing. There is no fun, excitement or satisfaction in a sure thing, and worse still, no money in it." ”

“ One day the landlord pulled a chair up by me, in the office, and said very mildly and pleasantly,
"Mr. Johnston, I have never yet asked you for money, and——"
[Pg 174]
"No," I quickly interrupted, "you never have, and I certainly respect you for it. If there is anything on this earth I dislike, it is a penurious, suspicious, narrow-minded landlord—always dunning his guests, and treating them like tramps. And I'd leave a man's house as soon as I could settle up and get out, if I was ever dunned by him." ”

“ This plan was carried out; and in every instance when I called on a merchant and displayed all of my trays on his counter, he would take the cards up one after the other, and after reading the word "experience" on each and every one, would ask its meaning. I always explained that I had more experience than capital, and as I valued it very highly, I considered it perfectly legitimate to figure it as stock in trade. This generally brought a smile from them, and as a rule seemed to work to my benefit. At any rate, I sold jewelry to almost every dealer I called upon. ”

“ Mr. Keefer had been desirous for some time of visiting the city, to see how "that boy" managed his business. On their arrival, I escorted them to my store, when, after looking over the several clerks and book-keepers, Mr. Keefer asked:
"Who are all these people working for?"
"Why, they are working for me."
Just then the postman came in with a large package of letters, and when I began opening them, and extracting money orders, drafts, checks and currency, he gazed steadily for a few moments and said:
"Is that all money, Perry?"
"Certainly; checks and drafts are as good as cash." ”

“ Every one was yelling for the pugilist but myself; and I continued talking encouragingly to Frank at the very top of my voice:
"Stay by him, Doctor, old boy, stay by him, stay by him, never give up, stay by him, make him lay still. I can whip any man that dares to interfere." ”

“ I shouted, "she is not fat; she is as thin as a match and as long as a wagon track; how are you going to make her fat? And the Circassian Girl—where is she?"
He pointed to his daughter, whose hair was all done up in tins, and said to me:
"Never mind about the show. Every thing will be all right. You get there by one o'clock, and we'll be there ready for business."
Sure enough, they were there. The Fat Woman in her long silk robe, and as big as a hogshead.
The Dwarf in his swallow-tailed coat and wearing a plug hat, and his face deeply furrowed with wrinkles. ”

“ The average young man in starting out usually endeavors to form a co-partnership with his best friend or nearest neighbor, regardless of capital or ability, the result of which is, that each will depend on the other to make the business a success, and neither will be likely to develop his fullest capacity for doing business.
The man who has force of character enough to assert his own rights and to carry out his own independent thoughts will usually be the most successful without a partner.
The old adage, "A rolling stone gathers no moss," has not in my experience always proved a true saying. ”

“ During our first ten miles' ride I was racking my brain for something to say when I should jump up to make my first sale. I had never sold a dollars' worth of goods of any kind at auction, and the only experience of a similar nature that I had ever had was the four days' sale of prize soap. ”

“ Later on, after I had opened a store of my own, I supplied him with goods for some time, extending all the credit he needed. This same young man is now proprietor of a wholesale jewelry house in Chicago; and I dare say that only for his prompt and liberal action in responding to my request for a loan of twenty-five dollars, there would be no such firm in existence at the present time. Therefore it illustrates how a single instance will prove the turning point in a man's life. ”

“ I arranged with my clerk that when we saw the Doctor coming I would lean back in one of the office chairs, apparently asleep, and when he came in the clerk should pick up a pair of shears from the window-sill and suggest that he (the Doctor) should clip one side of my moustache off, and let me run around during the evening a laughing-stock to every one. ”

“ He then offered me two dollars if I would trade back.
"Well, Brother Long," said I, "you begin to talk now as I want to hear you, except that your figures are a little below my idea of a fair compensation for my trouble."
He then anxiously inquired what my ideas were of what would be right.
"About one hundred and fifty dollars," I answered.
"O, Heavens! what shall I do? Sister Keefer, what shall I do? Shall we engage in prayer? What shall I do? What shall I do?" ”

“ The Doctor then resumed his seat, when I said in a loud tone of voice:
"If the majority of people had more brains and less impecuniosity they would be better off in this world."
At this the Doctor instantly jumped to his feet again and cried out:
"Johnston, you —— red-headed hyena, where are you?"
I then shook him by the hand, and, after quickly relating a part of my experience since leaving him, was informed that he had located in a thriving town in Northern Indiana and was doing well, but had abandoned Clairvoyance. As he was on his way to Toledo we had quite a chat. ”

“ When I alighted from the train at Clyde, I met several acquaintances who simply said, "How are you Perry? How are the folks?"
Finally I met one man who said, "How did it happen you didn't go to New York?"
Another one said:
"When you going to start on your trip, Perry? Where'd you get your fiddle?" ”

“ I thanked him, and said:
"My dear sir, it is very kind of you to offer [Pg 275] your services should I need them—very kind indeed; and as one good turn deserves another, suppose you loan me two dollars to pay the druggist for my stock in trade?"
"Certainly, sir, certainly. Glad to do so," he answered, as he handed me a two-dollar bill.
He then asked me to "take something."
"No, thank you; I never drink."
"Well, take a cigar won't you?"
"I never smoke, either," I answered.
"The devil you don't! Well, this certainly isn't your first experience in business, is it?" ”

“ We continued to trade horses occasionally, or at least often enough to break the monotony; and after we had been out a few weeks, I traded jewelry for a handsome pair of ponies, harness and carriage. My wife's health improved rapidly; she found considerable amusement at first in driving this team, following after me. Very often, when we would find it convenient to do so, I would give her a case of goods and let her drive to some distant store and make a sale while I would drive to another town, and we would meet at still another point at night. ”

“ I know it is so. When our train stopped at the depot, the brake-man opened the door and yelled, 'Pocahontas!' at the top of his voice."
"O, thunder! Doctor; you have been so excited all night that you couldn't tell what he called."
"I couldn't?" he thundered out. "Don't you s'pose I could tell the difference between Pocahontas and—and—well, Johnston, you cussed fool, I'll never be able to call this infernal town by its right name again. I am going to retire."
We remained at that hotel but one day, not being able to make satisfactory rates, besides being dunned for our board in advance. ”

“ Then I polished more furniture and gave a more elaborate explanation of the merits of the polish, Doctor Frank of course putting in a word now and then. But we had struck a Tartar—in fact, two Tartars. They were as firm as adamant.
We were at last cornered and looked at each other as though we had an idea that a private consultation would be the thing to hold about that time.
I felt that I would rather forfeit the old horse and wagon than acknowledge that we had no money. I then said:
"Mr. ——, is the gentleman living in the second house south of here a responsible and enterprising man?" ”

“ The Doctor began to hop up and down, swearing like a trooper, swinging his cane and looking at me, and cried out at the very top of his voice:
"Tell the man where we're going, you idiotic fool! You're to blame, and you ought to have your infernal neck broken. Why don't you tell the man? Tell him—tell him, you idiot! Great ——! if that train leaves us, I'll——"
The threat was interrupted by the baggage-man putting his head through the window and saying:
"There's an Insane Asylum being built at Pontiac. ”

“ On my second day out, at Holton, Michigan, while sitting in the hotel, a traveling man remarked that the firm across the street was the best in the country to do business with, if a drummer could only manage to show his goods to them; but as they visited the Chicago market every two weeks they would not under any circumstances look at a drummer's goods. ”

“ Gentlemen, every one of you come right this way; come a running; come a running, everybody come right this way!
"I have here, gentlemen, the erasive soap for removing tar, pitch, paint, oil or varnish from your clothing. Every other cake contains a prize from twenty-five cents to a two-dollar note."
We found no trouble in making sales and but little trouble in paying off those who were lucky. Our profits were sixteen dollars that day.
The next day we opened at Fort Wayne, Ind., where the show attracted a large crowd, and our profits were thirty-six dollars. ”

“ See here, waiter, do you think I am going to pay one [Pg 498] dollar for a quail? I want you to understand I am from Indiana, and I know what quail are worth by the dozen. Why, you infernal robbers, they can be bought not a hundred miles from here for one dollar a dozen, and they won't have been dead three months, either. Gentlemen, you have struck the wrong man for once, indeed you have. I am no —— fool; besides——"
"Yes," I interrupted, addressing the waiter, "besides, this gentleman used to wait on table himself in a hotel in Michigan, didn't you, Doctor?" ”

“ But when he actually reprimanded me one day for being stingy, and said I ought to be ashamed to stand around on the outside of a circus tent and stare at the advertising bills when I had plenty of money in my pocket, I thought then he must be "a little off in his upper story." Of course I didn't tell him so, but I really think for the time being he lowered himself considerably in my estimation, by trying to make a spendthrift of me. I had been taught that economy was wealth, and the only road to success. ”

“ Keefer's visit to Chicago my wife and I were out riding one Saturday evening, and drove to Woodlawn Park—a Chicago suburb. She casually remarked that she would like to own a home out there, and go to housekeeping, as she was tired of boarding. Just as she had finished expressing herself, we met a gentleman on the street, and I asked him if he knew of any property for sale there.
He replied: "My name is W. D. True; I am a real estate man and have three houses right near by for sale," and though it was then quite dark, he offered to show us one of them if we would drive over on Sheridan avenue. ”