Arthur Shirley

“ Bond street! It’s an elongated thoroughfare, but never mind, I must find her or her appearance here would cause me to contemplate suicide! (He puts down letter on table; springs up and down as if looking for something; he unconsciously puts on hat.) First, I must go to Bond street, and apologize to this “Lottie,” then I must call on the passionate poet and explain—no, I’m mixing them up. It’s the poet I have to apologize to and the girl I have got to keep quiet! Dibbs, where is my hat? (Looks all over room.)
Dibbs. I gave it to you, sir—why, you have got it on! ”

“ Fred. Yes! that was my intention!
Mrs. S. I am surprised you should dare to show your face here!
Grace. Even if you did save papa’s life you have no right to make me miserable!
Mrs. S. No gentleman would attempt to force his affections where they are not wanted!
Fred. Excuse me!
Mrs. S. Especially after such deceit which has luckily been discovered in time; of course we cannot argue with you if your own sense of honor does not prompt you to do what is right.
Fred (puzzled) . Really, Mrs. Selwyn, you must be more explicit! ”

“ Blith. (puzzled) . Mr. Selwyn seems to be fond of firearms!
Dibbs. Fond of ’em! He always has something dangerous about him, reckons himself the best shot in these parts; he’s obliged to be for he never apologises; if anybody calls for satisfaction (pointing at Blithers, who is alarmed) bang! he drops ’em!
Blith. (aside) . A nice amiable employer! (Aloud) . I don’t see what all this has to do with me!
Dibbs (aside) . He’s a determined old dog!
Enter Selwyn, R. U. E.
Sel. (up stage) . Dibbs! (Seeing Blithers.) A visitor?
Dibbs (aside to Selwyn) . It’s the hat man! ”

“ Not there, sir!
Blith. Dear! Dear! How unfortunate! My girl made me promise not to come back this time until I could bring her some good news.
Sel. (to Dibbs) . Look in the other rooms.
Dibbs. Yes, sir.
(Exit Dibbs, R.
Sel. Do you set much value on your loss?
Blith. My daughter’s happiness is at stake!
Sel. (aside) . His daughter’s happiness concerned in the recovery of his old hat! (Aloud.) Ah! Been in the family a long time? I suppose a kind of heirloom?
Blith. I never knew a man termed an heirloom before!
Sel. I am speaking of your hat.
Blith. Oh! I was referring to Fred.
Sel. Fred! ”

“ Sel. That’s right! Once more into the breach, dear boy! If you are tired take a cab—I’ll go halves in it with you! (Exit Fred, C.) What devotion! Can I refuse to let this man marry my daughter? No!
Dibbs (entering, L. U. E.) . Mr. Bellamy not here, sir?
Sel. Just gone out! What do you want?
Dibbs. It’s another messenger with another letter “from the same lady as before” he said! (Selwyn seizes and tears it open nervously aside.) Now, I’ll just go and tell Captain Katskill the governor’s alone. Missus told me to watch for an opportunity. ”

“ Mrs. S. I know! I know! Liquid lava runs from your pen as fluently as icy sarcasm. Excuse me one moment. (Aside.) I will fetch my album and get him to compose an impromptu while he is in the mood.
(Exit Mrs. Selwyn, R. 2 E.
Sel. (gratefully) . Thanks for your generous silence! Had my wife an inkling about the events of yesterday my future would be blasted. Where do you live, sir?
Blith. Oh! In Bond street—same place where you have sent my hat. ”

“ Blith. Don’t mention it! (Both bowing. Exit Captain Katskill, L. U. E.)
Blith. We shall be a polite family when we get this young man amongst us! Now about this hat—I seem to be forgotten altogether. Hullo!
Enter Fred, C., much agitated and still with Directory and hat.
Fred. At last I have caught you!
Blith. (aside) . This is the young man commissioned to restore my beaver.
Fred. You know all!
Blith. (puzzled) . That’s rather a lot to know—but still——
Fred. Hush! For two hours I have been following in your footsteps— (Restraining Blithers, who wishes to speak.) ”

“ Mrs. S. (to Selwyn) . You hear! A nice character you have picked up!
Enter Blithers, C., still with hat.
Mrs. S. Mr. Tompkins!—I cannot stay here to be degraded in the presence of a poet! (Exit Mrs. Selwyn, R. 2 E.)
Blith. (to Fred) . Welcome, son-in-law! Welcome! Come to my arms!
Fred. Oh! Father-in-law!
Sel. (aside) . They have made it up!
Blith. My girl has confessed that she loves you—and you alone—she never cared for that Captain Katskill.
Fred. I knew she didn’t!
Sel. (aside) . Oh! So Fred knew Lottie all this while!
Blith. When will you be married?
Fred. Oh, we’ve arranged all that! ”

“ Horror upon horror’s head! No address again! Oh, why won’t women complete their letters? (Re-enter Dibbs, L. U. E.) Dibbs, where’s the messenger?
Dibbs. Gone, sir!
Sel. Perhaps I could catch him—I’ll do a bit of sprinting! (Rushes off, C.)
Dibbs. Hi! sir, I never told you which way he went! (Rushes after him, C.)
Enter Blithers, L. U. E., with hat as before.
Blith. Thank you! Thank you, my good girl, don’t trouble, I know the way! Sir, I—nobody here! Well, I must wait. (Puts hat down on chair in front of secretaire and seats himself on sofa.) This time I will not leave without my own hat. ”

“ Pray sit down, sir, Mr. Bellamy will return soon with your hat.
Blith. Oh, thank you, ma’am! (Crosses R., to table.)
Mrs. S. He does not look like a poet, but who can judge by outward appearances?
Blith. (aside) . Why does she examine me so minutely? This is a funny family!
Mrs. S. I presume you belong to the same club as my husband, since you exchanged hats.
Blith. Oh, no! I don’t belong——
Sel. (aside to Blithers) . Don’t deny it unless you would ruin me.
Blith. (aside) . I see! He doesn’t want it known that he dined out at the Dobbinson’s last night!
Mrs. S. (sentimentally to Blithers) . ”

“ Just now he wanted to marry Lottie!
All. Lottie!
Fred. Yes! Lottie Blithers! Dare you deny it, you Hibernia Don Juan! Her own father told me all about it.
Mrs. S. Can this be true?
Sel. He wants two wives! (Music till end of act.)
Enter Dibbs suddenly, C.
Dibbs. No, three!
All. Wha-a-t?
Dibbs. A Mormonite!
Capt. K. (threatening Dibbs) . Ah! Ye young divil!
Dibbs (dodging behind bureau) . Who’s afraid? You know you’re after Miss Tompkins! I listened at the keyhole and heard you ask the old man!
Sel. Any more? (Vehemently.)
Mrs. S. (to Captain Katskill indignantly) . Leave this house, sir! ”

“ What’s this, “Bosco Blithers!” What does it mean? He’s my Lottie’s father-in-law—what can he want here? Pshaw! He can’t have called here at all, I must have dropped the card myself! (Sitting down again, L.)
Sel. (entering exhausted, C.) . I’m done up! They ought not to be allowed to make such long streets. (He sits.) Hullo! Do you know where that Dibbs is?
Fred. Not the least idea!
Sel. (wiping his forehead) . I want to know if a young—a female has been here for me—have you seen one?
Fred. How the deuce can I tell? Haven’t I just returned from my Tompkins’s hunting? ”

“ Fred. What! Do you defend him?
Enter Selwyn, R. 2 E.
Sel. What’s this? Fred confabulating with the duellist!
Fred (to Blithers) . It’s no use! I will fight! Return to your Irishman, and tell him so! (Business. Blithers endeavoring to pacify Fred.)
Sel. What’s all this about?
Blith. (who has given up restraining Fred, in despair. Fred down L., in chair) . About? About as near to raving madness as ever was seen! Go and buy a straight-jacket, sir, he’s a lunatic. While you are at the straight waistcoat shop you may as well purchase half a dozen, for he’s not the only madman on the premises. ”

“ Please, sir, there’s a young gentleman in the hall wants to speak to you; this is his card!
(Exit Tilly.
Enter Grace, R. 2 E.
Sel. (taking card) . “Captain Cornelius Katskill.” I am not at home, I never shall be at home again; what does he want?
Mrs. S. (aside to Selwyn) . Oh, Sam, I forgot to tell you after all. It’s the young Irish officer we met at the Claremonts’ and who was so attentive to Grace, in fact, I fully expect he has called to ask permission to consider himself formally engaged to her.
Sel. Grace engaged! What nonsense; she is engaged, isn’t she?
Grace (indignantly) . No, papa! ”

“ Damocles had a sword hanging over his head, I have a hat! (Putting hat on secretaire.) Now to write to its owner. (Sitting at table.) “Sir, pardon my hastiness last evening”——
Dibbs (entering, L.) . Mr. Bellamy’s coming, sir.
Sel. (irritably) . Coming! Why don’t he come! He’s always putting things off!
Dibbs. He’s not putting ’em off this time, sir, he’s putting ’em on! (Pantomimes getting into trousers.)
Sel. (finishing letter) . That will do! A frank but dignified apology. (Addressing envelope.) —“Tompkins, Esq.” Nobody called this morning inquiring for me, I suppose, Dibbs?
Dibbs. No, sir! ”

“ Ah! I thought so! (Taking card from him.) You may go—stop— (reading card.) Show the lady up, and not a word of warning to her that she will meet me instead of your master. If you breathe a syllable to her you shall be discharged. Keep whistling all the while go that I may know you are not telling her. (Dibbs whistles Dead March and goes off slowly; he is heard in the distance as if he went downstairs. The sound becomes louder as he returns with lady.)
Enter Dibbs, followed by Miss Lottie Blithers; she is a showily-dressed young lady of prepossessing appearance. ”

“ It’s Tompkins!
Sel. Tompkins, the duellist!
Blith. Excuse my third visit, but I beg to remind you that I have not got it yet.
Sel. The hat? I forgot all about it, in my many troubles! (Aloud.) Sir, permit me to apologize; it is my fault alone! (To Dibbs.) Where’s his hat?
Dibbs. I’ll go and look for it, sir. The old cough-drop don’t mean to go without his kady! (Exit Dibbs to Fred’s room, L. 2 E.)
Blith. (aside) . Poor young man, I treated him too harshly! But it was all a misunderstanding! (To Selwyn.) You quite comprehend, don’t you? The gentleman said he was already engaged to my girl ”

“ Tilly. I shall be off, he’s sure to be out of temper; masters and missuses are always grumpy when they first get up. (Dibbs kisses Tilly, who slaps him. Exit, L. U. E.)
Sel. (heard off) . Dibbs, are you coming?
Dibbs. Yessir! (He endeavors to extinguish lighted cigar by blowing on it, then opens window and fans the air with feather brush to get rid of smoke.)
Enter Selwyn, looking very seedy, R. 3 E., in dressing-gown and carrying a tall hat in his hand which he holds behind him. He has an “up-all-night” appearance.
Sel. What the deuce are you doing?
Dibbs. Dusting, sir! ”

“ Grace. It must be Captain Katskill! Ask him to come in! (Exit Tilly, L. U. E.) How my heart beats! (Re-enter Tilly with Blithers.) It’s not Corney! (Blithers is a doddering old gentleman of bland manners, reddish sandy hair, very short and standing up all over his head; also big whiskers; in his hand he carries a fashionable hat, evidently not his own. He speaks throughout in the blandest tones; he wears enormous boots built expressly to suit a sufferer from bunions.)
Blith. Oh! I beg pardon, miss, but I believe Mr.— (looking inside hat) —Selwyn lives here?
Grace. My father, sir. ”

“ Grace (imitating her mother) . Good day, sir! (They courtesy very formally and go out, L. U. E.)
Fred (following them he has door slammed in his face, then putting down hat and Directory) . What does this mean? I’m sent on a wild goose chase after a confounded Tompkins and on my return I am coolly snubbed by the wife and daughter of the man for whom I am slaving! I won’t put up with it! No! Thirty-seven Tompkinses have I tracked to their several and respective abodes. Most of them lived at the top of the houses, too! (Noting card left by Blithers.) ”

“ Dibbs. Not for the world, ma’am. (Aside.) Another secret! If this don’t get me a rise at the end of the month nothing will!
(Exit at back.
Grace. It is good of you, mamma, to help us at a time when papa seems so unreasonable—I will never have Mr. Bellamy, never!
Mrs. S. You never shall, my darling, but hush, here comes one of the enemy. (They sit, one on R., the other on L.)
20Enter Fred still with Directory and hat in his hands; he falls exhausted in arm chair.
Fred. Pouf! A nice time I have had of it! (Seeing ladies and coming C.) Oh! I beg pardon, Mrs. Selwyn and Miss Grace! ”

“ Dibbs. I say, sir if I did not know you!
Sel. (aside) . This boy knows too much for me! (Aloud; showing coin.) See nothing, say nothing!
Dibbs. Oh, sir! Don’t force it on me! (Takes money and puts it in his pocket.) It shall be a secret between man and man. Mum’s the word to the missus!
Sel. (aside) . I wish I dared kick him!
Dibbs. Here comes Mr. Bellamy, sir!
Enter Fred, L. 2 E., without his coat.
Sel. At last, my dear Fred, at last! I want you to do me a favor!
Fred (aside) . I suppose so! (Aloud.) I certainly do not 6consider it doing me a favor when I am awoke at unearthly hours. ”

“ Enter Dibbs.
Sel. (aside) . Messenger! Letters! It is getting worse and worse! This Tompkins must be the father of the girl Lottie who wrote to me!
Dibbs (re-entering, C.) . No signs, sir!
Blith. (to Dibbs) . Oh! Do you know anything, young man, of any letters left here to-day? (Dibbs looks across at Selwyn, who is making signs to him.) ”

“ She, unaware of his self-denial, gets a little jealous of his preferring the society of friends and leaving her alone. He suddenly obtains lucrative employment and returns to tell her of it. A mere sketch, but admirably elaborated, and a charming analysis of individual character. ”

“ I remember that about the Marble Arch I saw a Vision of Loveliness approach me. The vision evidently desired me to do her a favor——
Fred. Had you ever saved her life then?
Sel. No! The timid creature only wanted to be directed to Ludgate Hill; while endeavoring to explain a short cut we walked as far as Piccadilly together. I believe I offered to escort her.
Fred. And she accepted?
Sel. After much hesitation! We chatted and got quite good friends and at last passed by the “Geranium,” a highly respectable establishment, where, you know they admit ladies as well as gentlemen.
Fred. ”

“ The Rainbow Kimona is a club composed of seven of the Senior Class, each member wearing a kimona representing one of the colors of the rainbow. In a small apartment an entertainment is arranged in which each girl assumes a leading character in one of Shakespeare’s plays, burlesqued in outrageously comical style. ”