Ben Jonson

“ PUNT. Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha! CAR. Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs look smooth. PUNT. From a hot-house! CAR. Ay, do you make a wonder on't? why, it is your only physic. Let a man sweat once a week in a hot-house, and be well rubb'd, and froted, with a good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er have the pox. PUNT. What, the French pox? CAR. The French pox! out pox: we have them in as good a form as they, man; what? PUNT. Let me perish, but thou art a salt one! was your new-created gallant there with you, Sogliardo? CAR. O porpoise! ”

“ PUNT. Sir, for signior Sogliardo's sake, let it suffice, I know you. SOG. Why, as I am a gentleman, I thank you, knight, and it shall suffice. Hark you, sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute a piece of flesh as any in the world. PUNT. Indeed, sir! SOG. Upon my gentility, sir: Carlo, a word with you; do you see that same fellow, there? CAR. What, cavalier Shirt? SOG. O, you know him; cry you mercy: before me, I think him the tallest man living within the walls of Europe. CAR. The walls of Europe! take heed what you say, signior, Europe's a huge thing within the walls. ”

“ Good men, and virtuous spirits, that loath their vices, Will cherish my free labours, love my lines, And with the fervour of their shining grace Make my brain fruitful, to bring forth more objects, Worthy their serious and intentive eyes. But why enforce I this? as fainting? no. If any here chance to behold himself, Let him not dare to challenge me of wrong; For, if he shame to have his follies known, First he should shame to act 'em: my strict hand Was made to seize on vice, and with a gripe Squeeze out the humour of such spongy souls, As lick up every idle vanity. ”

“ FAST. 'Tis most true, lady; marry, he is no such excellent proper man. PUNT. His travels have changed his complexion, madam. SAV. O, sir Puntarvolo, you must think every man was not born to have my servant Brisk's feature. PUNT. But that which transcends all, lady; he doth so peerlessly imitate any manner of person for gesture, action, passion, or whatever — FAST. Ay, especially a rustic or a clown, madam, that it is not possible for the sharpest-sighted wit in the world to discern any sparks of the gentleman in him, when he does it. ”

“ SOG. Can you, sir? CAR. O, ay: you shall have one take measure of you, and make you a coat of arms to fit you, of what fashion you will. SOG. By word of mouth, I thank you, signior; I'll be once a little prodigal in a humour, i'faith, and have a most prodigious coat. MAC. Torment and death! break head and brain at once, To be deliver'd of your fighting issue. Who can endure to see blind Fortune dote thus? To be enamour'd on this dusty turf, This clod, a whoreson puck-fist! O G——! I could run wild with grief now, to behold The rankness of her bounties, that doth breed Such bulrushes ”

“ Is any man termed a gentleman, that is not always in the fashion? I would know but that. FAL. If you be melancholy for that, brother, I think I have as much cause to be melancholy as any one: for I'll be sworn, I live as little in the fashion as any woman in London. By the faith of a gentlewoman, beast that I am to say it! I have not one friend in the world besides my husband. When saw you master Fastidious Brisk, brother? FUNG. But a while since, sister, I think: I know not well in truth. By this hand I could fight with all my heart, methinks. FAL. Nay, good brother, be not resolute. ”

“ What brisk Nymphadoro is that in the white virgin-boot there? CAR. Marry, sir, one that I must interest you to take a very particular knowledge of, and with more than ordinary respect; monsieur Fastidious. PUNT. Sir, I could wish, that for the time of your vouchsafed abiding here, and more real entertainment, this is my house stood on the Muses hill, and these my orchards were those of the Hesperides. FAST. I possess as much in your wish, sir, as if I were made lord of the Indies; and I pray you believe it. CAR. I have a better opinion of his faith, than to think it will be so corrupted. ”

“ Deride, and play upon his amorous humours, Though he but apishly doth imitate The gallant'st courtiers, kissing ladies' pumps, Holding the cloth for them, praising their wits, And servilely observing every one May do them pleasure: fearful to be seen With any man, though he be ne'er so worthy, That's not in grace with some that are the greatest. Thus courtiers do, and these he counterfeits, But sets no such a sightly carriage Upon their vanities, as they themselves; And therefore they despise him: for indeed He's like the zany to a tumbler, That tries tricks after him, to make men laugh. ”

“ SORD. What curses breathe these men! how have my deeds Made my looks differ from another man's, That they should thus detest and loath my life! Out on my wretched humour! it is that Makes me thus monstrous in true humane eyes. Pardon me, gentle friends, I'll make fair 'mends For my foul errors past, and twenty-fold Restore to all men, what with wrong I robb'd them: My barns and garners shall stand open still To all the poor that come, and my best grain Be made alms-bread, to feed half-famish'd mouths. ”

“ FAL. O lord, sir! he shall not want for a bribe; pray you, will you commend me to him, and say I'll visit him presently. MACI. No, lady, I shall do you better service, in protracting your husband's return, that you may go with more safety. FAL. Good truth, so you may; farewell, good sir. [EXIT MACI.] — Lord, how a woman may be mistaken in a man! I would have sworn upon all the Testaments in the world he had not loved master Brisk. Bring me my keys there, maid. Alas, good gentleman, if all I have in this earthly world will pleasure him, it shall be at his service. ”

“ And, in that hood-wink'd humour, lives more like a suitor than a husband; standing in as true dread of her displeasure, as when he first made love to her. He doth sacrifice two-pence in juniper to her every morning before she rises, and wakes her with villainous-out-of-tune music, which she out of her contempt (though not out of her judgment) is sure to dislike.
FALLACE, Deliro's wife, and idol; a proud mincing peat, and as perverse as he is officious. She dotes as perfectly upon the courtier, as her husband doth on her, and only wants the face to be dishonest. ”

“ FUNG. O, ay, I pray you, good uncle: [SOGLIARDO TAKES SORDIDO ASIDE.] — send me good luck, Lord, an't be thy will, prosper it! O my stars, now, now, if it take now, I am made for ever. FAST. Shall I tell you, sir? by this air, I am the most beholden to that lord, of any gentleman living; he does use me the most honourably, and with the greatest respect, more indeed than can be utter'd with any opinion of truth. PUNT. Then have you the count Gratiato? FAST. As true noble a gentleman too as any breathes ”

“ SOG. O admirable rare! he cannot choose but be a gentleman that has these excellent gifts: more, more, I beseech you. CAR. You must endeavour to feed cleanly at your ordinary, sit melancholy, and pick your teeth when you cannot speak: and when you come to plays, be humorous, look with a good starch'd face, and ruffle your brow like a new boot, laugh at nothing but your own jests, or else as the noblemen laugh. That's a special grace you must observe. SAG. I warrant you, sir. CAR. Ay, and sit on the stage and flout, provided you have a good suit. SOG. O, I'll have a suit only for that, sir. ”

“ Envy is fled from my soul at sight of her, And she hath chased all black thoughts from my bosom, Like as the sun doth darkness from the world, My stream of humour is run out of me, And as our city's torrent, bent t'infect The hallow'd bowels of the silver Thames, Is check'd by strength and clearness of the river, Till it hath spent itself even at the shore ”

“ EXIT. CAR. I never hungered so much for anything in my life, as I do to know our gallants' success at court; now is that lean, bald-rib Macilente, that salt villain, plotting some mischievous device, and lies a soaking in their frothy humours like a dry crust, till he has drunk 'em all up: Could the pummice but hold up his eyes at other men's happiness, in any reasonable proportion, 'slid, the slave were to be loved next heaven, above honour, wealth, rich fare, apparel, wenches, all the delights of the belly and the groin, whatever. ”

“ CAR. A scholar, Macilente; do you not know him? a rank, raw-boned anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares encounter him: that's his rest there. PUNT. His rest! why, has he a forked head? CAR. Pardon me, that's to be suspended; you are too quick, too apprehensive. DELI. Troth, now I think on't, I'll defer it till some other time. MACI. Not by any means, signior, you shall not lose this opportunity, he will be here presently now. DELI. Yes, faith, Macilente, 'tis best. For, look you, sir, I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in't, that — MACI. Your wife! ”

“ SOGLIARDO, PUNTARVOLO, AND CARLO, WALK TOGETHER. SOG. Nay, I will have him, I am resolute for that. By this parchment, gentlemen, I have been so toiled among the harrots yonder, you will not believe! they do speak in the strangest language, and give a man the hardest terms for his money, that ever you knew. CAR. But have you arms, have you arms? SOG. I'faith, I thank them; I can write myself gentleman now; here's my patent, it cost me thirty pound, by this breath. ”

“ I was admiring mine own outside here, To think what privilege and palm it bears Here, in the court! be a man ne'er so vile, In wit, in judgment, manners, or what else; If he can purchase but a silken cover, He shall not only pass, but pass regarded: Whereas, let him be poor, and meanly clad, Though ne'er so richly parted, you shall have A fellow that knows nothing but his beef, Or how to rince his clammy guts in beer, Will take him by the shoulders, or the throat, And kick him down the stairs. ”

“ When women doubt most of their husbands' loves, They are most loving. Husbands must take heed They give no gluts of kindness to their wives, But use them like their horses; whom they feed But half a peck at once; and keep them so Still with an appetite to that they give them. He that desires to have a loving wife, Must bridle all the show of that desire: Be kind, not amorous; nor bewraying kindness, As if love wrought it, but considerate duty. Offer no love rites, but let wives still seek them, For when they come unsought, they seldom like them. DELI. Believe me, Macilente, this is gospel. ”

“ For every cordial that my thoughts apply Turns to a corsive and doth eat it farther. There is no taste in this philosophy; 'Tis like a potion that a man should drink, But turns his stomach with the sight of it. I am no such pill'd Cynick to believe, That beggary is the only happiness; Or with a number of these patient fools, To sing: "My mind to me a kingdom is," When the lank hungry belly barks for food, I look into the world, and there I meet With objects, that do strike my blood-shot eyes Into my brain: where, when I view myself, Having before observ'd this man is great, Mighty and fear'd ”

“ As when some one peculiar quality Doth so possess a man, that it doth draw All his affects, his spirits, and his powers, In their confluctions, all to run one way, This may be truly said to be a humour But that a rook, by wearing a pyed feather, The cable hat-band, or the three-piled ruff, A yard of shoe-tye, or the Switzer's knot On his French garters, should affect a humour! ”

“ CAR. Both, both; a lean mongrel, he looks as if he were chop-fallen, with barking at other men's good fortunes: 'ware how you offend him; he carries oil and fire in his pen, will scald where it drops: his spirit is like powder, quick, violent; he'll blow a man up with a jest: I fear him worse than a rotten wall does the cannon; shake an hour after at the report. Away, come not near him. SOG. For God's sake let's be gone; an he be a scholar, you know I cannot abide him; I had as lieve see a cockatrice, specially as cockatrices go now. CAR. What, you'll stay, signior? ”

“ MAC. Though yours be the worst use a man can put his wit to, of thousands, to prostitute it at every tavern and ordinary; yet, methinks, you should have turn'd your broadside at this, and have been ready with an apology, able to sink this hulk of ignorance into the bottom and depth of his contempt. CAR. Oh, 'tis Macilente! Signior, you are well encountered; how is it? O, we must not regard what he says, man, a trout, a shallow fool, he has no more brain than a butterfly, a mere stuft suit ”

“ CAR. A most gentlemanlike resolution. SOG. Tut! an I take an humour of a thing once, I am like your tailor's needle, I go through: but, for my name, signior, how think you? will it not serve for a gentleman's name, when the signior is put to it, ha? CAR. Let me hear; how is it? SOG. Signior Insulso Sogliardo: methinks it sounds well. CAR. O excellent! tut! an all fitted to your name, you might very well stand for a gentleman: I know many Sogliardos gentlemen. SOG. Why, and for my wealth I might be a justice of peace. CAR. Ay, and a constable for your wit. ”

“ FAST. Nay, thou art such another cynic now, a man had need walk uprightly before thee. CAR. Heart, can any man walk more upright than he does? Look, look; as if he went in a frame, or had a suit of wainscot on: and the dog watching him, lest he should leap out on't. FAST. O, villain! CAR. Well, an e'er I meet him in the city, I'll have him jointed, I'll pawn him in Eastcheap, among the butchers, else. FAST. Peace; who be these, Carlo? ENTER SORDIDO AND FUNGOSO. SORD. Yonder's your godfather ”

“ CAR. Come, the gentleman was of himself resolved to go with you, afore I moved it. MACI. Why, then, gallants, you two and Carlo go afore to prepare the jest; Sogliardo and I will come some while after you. CAR. Pardon me, I am not for the court. PUNT. That's true; Carlo comes not at court, indeed. Well, you shall leave it to the faculty of monsieur Brisk, and myself; upon our lives, we will manage it happily. Carlo shall bespeak supper at the Mitre, against we come back: where we will meet and dimple our cheeks with laughter at the success. CAR. Ay, but will you promise to come? ”