Charles L. Graves

“ Purchasers have but to express the wish and we will express the volumes packed to simulate alien articles, such as groceries, pianos, blocks of granite, pressed beef, hardware, cork lino, Derby Brights, coffins, or the Dictionary of National Biography.
The purchaser has only to fill up and return the appended form:—
To the Proprietors of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
SIR,—I enclose [here insert the amount of your first instalment] as a first instalment of the purchase-money of your inestimable boon. ”

“ The Fauna of America is extensive and peculiar. Unlike other civilised countries, dangerous wild beasts and birds of prey are commonly encountered in the most populous districts. Nothing can exceed the ferocity of the Trust Fowl, while whole regions of New York are rendered unsafe by the ravages of the Tammany Bos and the Tammany Tiger. ”

“ I may note in conclusion that the exhilaration produced by a quick run is most stimulating to the imagination of the intelligent journalist. In fact it may be laid down as a canon, that the faster one travels the more explosively one writes, and good journalism should be a series of explosions. ”

“ Conscious as we are that the acquisition of an INSIDECOMPLETUAR is tantamount to a confession of ignorance, we have made arrangements for the complete deception of the neighbours of Fellows of the Royal Society, and Members of other learned Societies. ”

“ At the same time it is advisable to dine at home as seldom as possible: it is cheap but monotonous, and often nasty, and there are 150 restaurants in London where a succulent dinner can be had for anything from 15s. to 30s. a head, a fact of which the British workman seems to be painfully unaware. The conversation of a chef, or even an intelligent waiter, is, it should be borne in mind, almost invariably stimulating and refined. ”

“ Just as there is a use for everything, even Shoolbred’s, so there is a use for a horse with three legs. I do not say the army can do without such an animal. But he has no proper place in a cavalry regiment ”

“ Instead of the Cyclopean ponderosity of the Pre-Mycenæan epoch, one notices everywhere a flimsiness of material and meretriciousness of ornament most distressing to the serious observer. The trail of the jerry-builder is over all. ”

“ No Class of Society can do without our Mammoth Work. SEE THE FOLLOWING PAGES FOR PARTICULARS OF HOW IT HITS EVERY WALK OF LIFE.
[Pg 81]
YOU MUST HAVE THE ‘INSIDE. BRIT.’
[Pg 80]
LORD KNOLLYS writes: ‘His Majesty commands me to say that he is so pleased with your INSIDECOMPLETUAR that he has decided to establish a new Order of Merit, to be conferred upon the few persons who have not contributed to its pages.’
The DUKE OF FIFE writes: ‘An excellent publication, but dear. ”

“ MR. MONTAGU HOLBEIN writes: ‘I have no hesitation in saying that the glory of my attempt to swim across the Channel would have been infinitely greater had I carried on my back a set of your admirable INSIDECOMPLETUAR.’
LORD ROBERTS writes: ‘I am recommending the perusal of your 100 volumes as an excellent deterrent from ragging in the army.’
MR. H. G. WELLS writes: ‘I have already given you an advertisement in The Sea Lady, and can only repeat that for submarine reading your work has no equal. The Atlantic is paved with it.’ ”

“ TOO CLEARLY UNDERSTAND,
is that although the instalments go on, the volumes are
DELIVERED AT ONCE.
On the morning after the first shilling instalment is received they will
COME WITH THE MILK.
Nothing can stop them. Your pavement will be blocked by them within twenty-four hours of posting your remittance, unless, of course, the coal-shoot is open. Understand this clearly, we
CANNOT TAKE THEM BACK.
Once we have got a set off our hands, threats, persuasion, tears, and entreaties are alike powerless to induce us to receive it again. ”

“ No self-respecting editor should possess fewer than six motor-cars, if he has any consideration for the well-being of his staff. Personally I have fifteen—called after my brothers—with a set of costumes and a perfume to match each. ”

“ In the matter of liquid refreshment America has always set a high standard of excellence. As George Washington [Pg 21] aptly observed, ‘I care not who makes the laws of this nation so long as their drinks are discreetly mixed.’...
But the supreme boon conferred on the western world by this great Republic has yet to be revealed. All that is best in the present great Thesaurus of Universal Knowledge, the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware; all the electrifying ragtime methods of our scheme of advertisement ”

“ Stephen Gwynn and my vast circle of readers to state that one of the few things that kept poor Sir Richard Calmady bright in a world of phantoms and futilities was the certainty that he could never drop one of your monumental volumes on his toe.’
LORD ’IVEBURY writes: ‘... Your splendid article on Bee-mæterlism....’
MRS. CARRIE NATION writes: ‘I don’t know how my campaign against the liquor saloons would ever have succeeded but for your timely publication. There is no plate glass that can stand against one of your tomes. ”

“ It is a vertical wall formed of what appear to be massive concrete blocks, but are really the volumes of the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware, the greater number of which are of 32 tons in weight, arranged upon what is known as the sloping block system, and founded upon a rubble mound of stone deposited from barges and levelled for the reception of the blocks by divers. Concrete was then filled in as rapidly as possible until the entire mass, weighing about 9000 tons, had formed, so to speak, an artificial rock or island in the sea, being, in fact, a completed section of the breakwater itself. ”

“ THE RT. HON. A. J. BALFOUR, M.P., writes: ‘Your volumes give the greatest satisfaction both at Whittinghame and Downing Street. One volume makes an excellent tee. Ten volumes block the door effectually against Dr. Clifford. Forty volumes make a superb bunker. The whole set when packed into my motor-car prevents my going at a greater speed than 12 miles an hour, thus providing me with the Foundations of Relief whenever I see a policeman on the horizon.’ ”

“ Foremost in this movement are the enlightened and enterprising inventors of Bell’s Encyclopædic Tomb Blocks which in point of density of texture and specific gravity compare favourably with any other materials, whether of metal, brick, or stone. Once placed in position they cannot be removed even by the wildest of hydraulic rams or the most ferocious of cranes. ”

“ Divorce.—Marriages are made in Heaven, but are marred in Brighton....
[The New Volumes also contains Articles on HENRY VIII. and CHICAGO.]
OUR LITTLE EDENS.
From the Special Article by ‘AUNTIE EVE,’ and the EDITOR of ‘The Pergola.’
Gardening.—The first requisite of the modern gardener is books. It is necessary to have too many, and as they are published at the rate of three a week, one can easily accomplish this. In buying seeds remember that Buttons’ are the best, [Pg 32] and we shall take it kindly if you mention our name when you send your orders. Primroses are best grown from roots. ”

“ Richard Poseidon Cadbury writes:—‘All Earth-Quakers welcome thy solidifying tomes.’
[Pg 76]
To Photographers.
A complete set of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE when used as a background for portraits of learned men is invaluable for imparting an aroma of omniscience.
Messrs. Bassoono write:—‘Our series of photographs of the members of Mr. C. K. Shorter’s Academy of Letters, under the title ‘Types of English Genius’ would be nothing but for your INSIDECOMPLETUAR. We inclose for your inspection a portrait of Mr. Lecky casually consulting his own biography in Vol. ”

“ A full-sized, full-blooded novel can now be produced in ten days, for although the employment of band-working machines to some extent weakens each section, this weakening can be partially neutralised by careful headbanding. ”

“ Automobility is incompatible with senility, and I attribute the perennial youth of my staff to the constant inhalation of the antiseptic fumes of my mechanical stud. Those whom the ‘gods’ applaud must stay or die young....
[See also extract on page 55 from the Article on the TIMES.]
[Pg 23]
Superb Plate from the Article Agriculture in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
SHEPHERD AT WORK.
RAM WITH CURLY HORNS.
BLOOD HORSE.
HARVESTING, OLD STYLE.
SERVICEABLE BED FOR FARMER. ”

“ It has also been suggested that, as the spectator is after all the principal person to be considered, every visitor to the ground should receive a revolver at the turnstile, to be emptied upon the players at his discretion. ”

“ I can conceive no more ideal resting-place for a wearied littérateur than a mausoleum constructed of these stupendous and impressive blocks. Where, indeed, could a man sleep more profoundly [Pg 60] or tranquilly than when sepulchred in the very heart of the condensed extract of omniscience?...
[The new Volumes also contain Articles on the WOKING GOLF CLUB, WAGNER’S TRAUERMARSCH, SUTTEE, the ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC, and CREMATION.]
DINING ROOM DECORATIONS.
From the Special Article (50 pages) by WALTER CRANE.
Wall-papers.—... ”

“ Roosevelt, though originally a cowboy, has set his face like a flint against the tyranny of the Beef Trust, and only a superficial observer would count Mr. Hay as a man of straw. Furthermore, the humanising influence of American culture is signally displayed by its principal exports, which include, amongst other products, J. Pierpont Morgan, canned peaches, Mr. ”