Charles Morris

“ Enquirers into nature say,
That bucks, when rutting’s over,
Inter their old-tails in the park,
And new ones soon discover;
The Comet and the buck alike,
With new tails bound and jump, sir,
While old Duke Q., not I or you,
Wags on with his old stump, sir.
This Comet, timid people talk,
Forebodes a revolution,
A total change and overthrow
Of Britain’s constitution;
But still I think we’ve nought to fear,
Tho’ enemies divide us,
Our leading light of freedom is,
The steady Georgium Sidus. ”

“ We soak the body and the soul,
’Twill lay the dust hereafter.
The hardy tars more valiant fight,
The soldiers sally quicker,
The poets with more spirit write,
When charg’d with conqu’ring liquor:
And to sorrow-sinking hearts
Wine’s the true salvation;
For, take enough, and soon departs
Suspended animation.
His journey soon must end, they say,
Who drives thro’ life so quickly;
And, ere in years his hair turn gray,
His body will be sickly: [12]
If Velnos’ Syrup he pursue,
’Twill strengthen trunk and twig, Sir;
And if his hair should change its hue,
He can but mount a wig, Sir. ”

“ Where alone the proud pillar of Nature should stand.
Rare Runnymede, &c.
Tho’ partisans differ, in this all agree,
From Reason’s clear light, and from Nature’s dictation,
That the Mede, at this moment, my mind’s eye doth see,
Is alone the sweet spot for the proud pillar’s station.
There stout may it stand, resisting Time’s hand:
And, Nature, great architect, as thee we prize!
From fire protect it, when down don’t neglect it,
Let it rise but to fall, let it fall but to rise. ”

“ Sing higgledy, piggledy, jiggummy bob.
CHORUS.
So bibere bob,
Let’s all hob and nob,
To the ladies’ brown bob,
And sing plenty of money in ev’ry fob.
[84]
A
GENTLEMAN’s WIG. Tune, Derry Down.
I sing not of despots, or slaves who submit,
Not of farmer George, Jenky, Dundas, Fox, or Pitt!
My ballad’s the bantling of laughter and gig,
’Tis of an old cock in a c—tified wig.
’Gainst the poll-tax of Pitt this old codger did rave,
Like a felon transported, it forc’d him to shave;
“Tho’ tried for my life,” said th’ old buck, I’ll rob
The tail of some Dolly to build a brown bob. ”

“ In the streets oft you meet a queer stick of a fellow,
Who pokes in your eye his sharp-pointed umbrella;
But the measure of danger is scarcely half full,
When a flow’r-pot dropt down, breaks itself and your scull.
XIII.
If in London the doctors should shorten life’s date,
To lie long in the grave’s, not the dead bodies fate;
For surgeon, clerk, sexton, and coachman conspire,
To mangle the corpse, and the bones join with wire. ”

“ Whenever you find your wild passions grown tame;
Get a wig made of hair, from the spot ye all prize,
And in spite of your prudence your p—o will rise.
[88]
AN
IRISH DYING DITTY.
I am in my nature as brisk as a fly,
Resolving to live the day after I die;
And when I am dead, this live body to save,
Plant a peck of potatoes plump over my grave;
Then, hedge me well round with some big pebble stones,
Else father Mai’s pigs will soon root up my bones;
For sure foolish I’d look at the trumpet’s last sound,
When my body’s to rise, and no bones to be found. ”

“ And tho’ but one chemise to her back,
I’ll take her to Gretna’s green grass,
On swift Pegasus poet’s old hack.
The life that is merry and short,
Crop’s reason and passions approve,
A life of all lives, ’tis the sort
To give life to the woman we love. ”

“ I am an enemy to every species of innovation; but more particularly to that lately broached by the celebrated original four-legg’d, long-tail’d, philosopher, Lord Monboddo, Who is full of regret because we do not mix water with our wine. ”

“ We, for the most part, differ in our notions of pleasure; one man’s delight is another’s aversion: but felicity is the aim of all. Where then shall we find it? a celebrated poet observes, “’tis no where to be found, or everywhere.” I say with an air of triumph, which the experience of a laughing life has imparted, the delights of love and joys of wine, happily blended, will enable us to attain the summit of human enjoyment. Would you meliorate the condition of the mind, and give to the body its best energies ”

“ In the ev’ning you’re screw’d to your chairs fist to fist,
“All stupidly yawning at sixpenny whist;
“And, tho’ win or lose, ’tis as true as ’tis strange,
“You’ve nothing to pay—the good folks have no change!
“But, for singing and piping, your time to engage,
“You’ve cock and hen bullfinches coop’d in a cage;
“And what music in nature can make you so feel,
“As a pig in a gate stuck, or knife-grinder’s wheel! ”

“ At envy, spite, and spleen, sir,
And says, to mortify their ears,
“Ecod, I may be queen, sir;”
Her keeper, too, keeps up the farce,
Whose love of Jordan such is,
He bids her foes to kiss her a—e,
For he’s made her c—t a Duchess.
Long in love’s hammock may they swing,
Health, wealth, and peace abounding,
With all the bliss that life can bring,
To swell the scene surrounding;
So fill a bumper, ’tis the debt
That’s due from loyal freemen,
Here’s may the press between ’em get
A crew of gallant seamen. ”

“ They danc’d, and we’re told tow’ring walls were erected.
Such harmonic sway this Mede doth display,
And from chaos, thus transient, can order restore;
A quick resurrection succeeds the defection,
To meet the same fate that befel it before. ”

“ A bore may be roasted, a quiz may be cut.
“In the Country your friends would feel angry and sore,
“Call an old maid a quiz, or a parson a bore.” [67]
In the Country you’re nail’d like a pale in your park,
To some stick of a neighbour cramm’d into the ark;
Or, if you are sick, or in fits tumble down,
You reach death, ere the doctor can reach you from town.
I’ve heard that how love in a cottage is sweet,
When two hearts in one link of soft sympathy meet:—
I know nothing of that; for, alas, I’m a swain
Who requires (I own it) more links to my chain! ”

“ You’ve a thin slice of ham, town-made wine thick and flat:
View a tinman’s cascade, and a fidler’s cock’d hat!
V.
See Ranelagh! folly and fashion’s resort,
And vapid masqued balls, where Intrigue holds her court;
There girls are “loose fishes,” pull’d up in their turns;
There wives are harpoon’d, and dull husbands get horns. ”

“ Tho’ it’s not ripe for broaching;
But between you and me,
’Tis a little encroaching;
By a stroke—slight of hand—
To surprize all beholders:
Why I mean to take off
The king’s head from his shoulders.
Chorus—Row, row, &c. [3]
V.
Then the crown, d’ye see,
I wou’d lay on a shelf, Sir;
Tho’ it fits me as if it
Was made for myself, Sir:
Och! good luck to the sound,
How the dumb bells will ring, Sir,
When I’ve made all men equal,
And made myself king, Sir! ”

“ But Peter ne’er caught, I wou’d lay any bet, sir,
A fish with one eye, bushy tail, and red nose. [122]
This fish lately found, from the top to the bottom,
Of inches, then measur’d a full half a score,
Girls swallow’d ’em faster than fishermen got ’em,
Yet ne’er were so cloy’d, but they still long’d for more;
’Tis just at low water when crabs are seen crawling,
For shelter beneath heavy tang-cover’d stones,
That girls from all quarters come eagerly calling
For fish full of gristle, hard roes, and no bones. ”

“ Of that hell-born disease call’d the pox. [117]
Sign Cancer’s the cod-clinging crab we all know,
And wifely clings he; for you’ll find
He’s ever in danger, above or below,
Of destruction by water or wind. ”

“ A modern practitioner of considerable medical skill, has given an opinion worthy the attention of the convivial world: he tells us, if our vital sensation require to be much exalted, neither alembics nor crucibles are necessary for that purpose; Nature herself has provided for us that most excellent spirit—wine, which exceeds all those prepared by the art of man: if there be any thing in the world which one can call the prima materia, [vii] that contains the spirit of the earth in an incorporated form, it is certainly this noble production ”

“ As, by Isis, a plant was discovered, [iii] which furnished bread to man; so by Osiris, her husband and brother, an art was invented of making drink for man: this art is what is called fermentation, which he applied to the use of the grape; and so first made wine: which, though it has been very much abused, as almost every production of nature and art has been by man, and, therefore, is very properly styled by Milton, The sweet poison of misused wine. It may be applied to the most useful purposes, for it is the best cordial of old age: and at all times of life it enlivens the spirits ”

“ Rare Runnymede, &c.
Adam’s instinct divine display’d powers that prove,
Mighty man most sagacious of Nature’s creation;
Eve’s distress he beheld, and, in pity, Love
His column convey’d to its dear destination.
What follow’d, you’ll find, is wisely design’d,
And the Hercules’ Pillar of Pagan renown
Ne’er long could stand in Middlesex land,
Adam’s basis gave way, so the Pillar fell down. ”

“ Till in the net of Dame Nature they go,
Where shou’d wanton women e’er take ’em and pickle ’em,
The curing’s a pain and expence we all know.
Two fam’d learned sages, both birds of a feather,
This odd fish to see, left their pigs, plants, and land,
And tho’ they both clubb’d their wise noddles together,
The devil a one did the fish understand;
Yes, M⸺by and B⸺s, who so solemn and grave is,
Knew not, till Pat told ’em, from whence the fish came,
’Tis Ireland that boasts it, their sea-rara avis,
Caught wild in a net, and by stroking made tame. ”

“ On the beds we repose, Nature finds sound relief,
Such comforts deserve not each jacobin thief.
CHORUS. [152]
’Tis French Anarchy’s plan all the world to subdue,
O’er each fair peaceful land blood and bodies to strew,
If you don’t conquer them, John, by G—d they will you. ”

“ To mock her barren belly.
CHORUS.
For some succeed, and others fail,
That into commerce enter,
So sew are chaste, and many frail,
In this great trading Center.
In coney skins her commerce lay,
A charming stock she’d laid in;
She ne’er to smugglers fell a prey,
Her practice was fair trading: [35]
These skins when dress’d were red and white,
The fur of each fair creature,
Of diff’rent hues, hath day and night
Kept warm man’s naked nature.
For some succeed, &c.
The trading stock of this old Bawd
A vital stab sustain’d, sir;
The news like wild-fire flew abroad,
Each customer complain’d, sir ”

“ And swore, tho’ the devil should stand in the gap,
Into it he’d wriggle; when in it he got,
He turn’d pale and fell sick, and dropt dead on the spot.
VII.
Birds of passage, alas! all us mortals are here,
Exclaim’d Johnny W⸺ when he spent his last tear; [48]
In his last dying speech, he declar’d with dejection,
He’d not the least hope of a flesh resurrection.
VIII.
Now ere like Johnny W⸺ my muse gives up the ghost,
She leaves, as a legacy, Nature’s first toast;
The front room of Eve Adam fill’d full of sin,
Well feather’d without, and well furnish’d within. ”

“ Who smelt none the sweeter for carrotty hair,
Presenting her palm to the gipsey so shrewd,
Was candidly told that her nature was lewd:
While feeling the vein near her gold-girted nick,
Kate play’d the old gipsey a slippery trick, [62]
So Kate, that had ne’er been consider’d a whore,
Was told she’d miscarried the morning before.
VIII.
Then came Peggy the prude, who no bawdy could bear,
Yet wou’d tickle the lap-dog while combing his hair;
“Is the butler, my sweetheart,” said Peggy, “sincere,
“And shall we be married, pray, gipsey, this year?” ”

“ And who mounts ev’ry cow that he meets. [118]
Sign Libra’s the balance that ought to prevail,
In an act we delight to enjoy,
For a feather we’re told will turn nature’s near scale,
When we bob for a girl or a boy;
Aquarius appears as the word doth instruct,
An object, who once was a man,
An Italian castrato’s cut-down aqueduct,
A mere spout for a watering pan.
Brave Leo the lion’s our national sign,
Where foreigners come for good fare,
True freedom, true friendship, good humour, good wine,
We hope they will ever find here ”

“ Examin’d this fish from the root to the snout,
With both hands was seen to take hold of it so, sir,
To keep it from hopping and skipping about; [127]
“Faith it is a large fish,” said the ⸺ in lewd plight, sir,
“I ne’er in my life saw its fellow before,
“Pull out,” said a friend, “all the ladies’ delight, sir,”
He did, and exhibited two inches more.
Girls, take my advice; let this odd fish before you
Be first skinn’d alive, and then dress’d to your taste,
As a standing dish dainty, dear souls, I implore you,
Take in all you can, but let none run to waste ”

“ Your pipe can but carry the p— from your belly!
Bow, wow, wow, &c.
If wedlock’s your plan, ere you scheme to open trenches,
Humbugs pray take heed of our modern made-up wenches:
Fore and aft they are plump to view, but feel, and you will find, sir,
They’ve bubbies like blown bladders, and all is hum behind, sir.
Oh poverty! our purses spare, and pains, do not perplex us,
Still the cheerful song we’ll chaunt, nor shall trifles ever vex us ”

“ A fine feather’d chamber for me.
II.
Like old mother Philips, tho’ doubtless her betters,
These blue-stocking ladies are ladies of letters; [46]
Not in love, but in learning, their passions prevail,
And they feather the head whilst they moult at the tail.
III.
An Irish upholsterer Murphy’s the man,
Who furnished my muse with a sketch of this plan;
To guard off the wind that hard by the spot gathers,
He told me she’d paper’d her front room with feathers.
IV.
By the hair-broom of Nature this room was neglected,
Here lay dust undisturbed, and there cobweb collected ”